Sometimes We Make It. Sometimes We Fake It.

Andrew McMahon had this on his blog a couple months ago. It is an excerpt from a journal of Bukowski's:

"I write as a function. Without it I would fall ill and die. It's as much a part of one as the liver or intestine, and just about as glamorous."

Now, I don't feel that way. And, for that reason, I have always known my career as a writer is unlikely. But, I do love to write. Clearly. I mean I keep updating this ding-dang blog, don't I?

I finished my play this week. My capstone of college. It's not done, but it is a complete piece as of Monday. Something I find so ridiculous about making art is how it really doesn't mean anything unless it means something to someone else. Like, a great basketball player, let's say my roommate Grinz can play, and get baskets, and it's clear she is fabulous. But, I could write a great play, and people might not like it. Not so black and white. I mean, one of my favorite plays of all time--Faith Healer--tanked on its first run. For no reason.


Where all the "magic" happens. My room Spring 2010.

To be frank, I am proud of what I have written so far. Two people have read it and approved. That's a great start. A great great start. But, I have to present this to my community. It's on the calendar. People will attend. I am not excited at all. They may hate it. I am working up the courage slowly to stand and say, "Well...this is what I made. Who knows if it Good. What is "Good"? Just sit there and watch."

Count-Down: T-Minus Four Weeks.

And even if my voice comes back again, maybe they'll be no one listening. Even if I find the strength to stand, doesn't mean I won't go missing.

LOOK HOW COOL I AM...Not

Read the Rolling Stone story on Glee cast members. Pretty interesting, and of course, Chris Colfer was the superstar. Playing my favorite character, Colfer is actually younger than me. He graduated from HS in '08. In the interview he said that he had a really rough time going through school but he always fit in on HIS SPEECH AND DEBATE TEAM.

Blaaaaagh! Speech and Debate 4 Lyfe!

So, naturally, my next mode of action was to look him up on the National Forensics League Database. I found him and quickly realized I totally kicked his butt in interp. I was so thrilled. I totally smoked him in districts, and it doesn't even look like he broke to Nationals! I had to tell everyone! Then, suddenly, I was all,

"Um. Alice are you about to brag because you have more speech and debate points than the gay kid on the TV show about Glee club?"

GD.


Nats '06, so many rice cakes, photo by Wilhelm

PS My recent reflecting on Speech may or may not have to do with my future. Details forthcoming.

The stars are out tonight.
Look at the fireworks.
You're not alone tonight.
Lighting the night sky.
You're not alone tonight.

Breakfast, Baby Ghal!

Blanche's adoption day, August 2009

A of all, while on our Chicago LZ trip with Bradley steering the massive van through the icy streets, he and I found it hilarious to mimic a rastafarian trying to pick up various "Baby Ghal"s. Like a woman walking with a Whole Foods bag became "Organic Baby Ghal" and pick up lines to her included "I'd like to see dat Kashi rump Baby Ghal!" I don't really know. At the time it was funny.

So, this morning I was feeing my hamster and to her/myself yelled "Good Morning Baby Ghal!" And, then, I looked at the Fiesta Mix I've been feeding her which labels itself as "More Protein! More Fun!" Wait...what? My hamster food is "More fun?"

More fun than what, and secondly, why do I care? What? Who marketed this stuff?
Then again, I did buy it.

Big Ears

Bradley and I were walking to his house at around 11:10 PM. I had my little shuffle on in preparation for us to part ways and exclaimed "Oh! Guess what's on!" and belted

You were my sky, my moon, and my stars, and my ocean.
We can never go back to before.

because it's from Ragtime which we LOVE!

Bradley laughed, went inside, and I walked on. But! A booming voice from some other location amidst the flock of dormitories and academic buildings screamed "PUT A CORK IN IT ALICE!"

I found this endearing because it was clearly a threat of love. I mean, heck it was personalized, the yeller was able to recognize my name weren't they? So sweet.

Back in the day when I let you make all my choices. We can never go back to before.

Parents' Weekend

The last Parents Weekend Variety Talent Show I will ever be in. I was talking about the dress rehearsal with Pookie-

Alice: I have to go to rehearsal at seven for the Parent Weekend Variety...Gosh what a long name.
Pookie: Shorten it. Pee-double-you...okay not worth it.



It's never the best LZ show, but it is an LZ show, and I love the cast, and I love not being in charge anymore. Yesterday the show's director called us an hour and half early...not so good for a rowdy bunch of people with nothing to rehearse. We got antsy and started playing Truth or Dare (of all things to be doing in my last quarter of college). Bradley started making up dares about mooning the audience, and for a moment I started to freak out when I remembered I am no longer responsible for anything that happens with LZ. Oh, it felt so good.


Great Things about This Picture: XTian's pits & it's resemblance to the DVD cover of One Tree Hill Season One

Anyway, my dad was here. Doling out grades to all the acts as usual. Saying things like "This musical number? So what? C." and "From joyful to joyless--F."

This morning Pookie made us tiny almond croissants and we had a heated discussion on how we all hated our PE educations.

"Oh, I hated the rope. It's like...here climb this. It's two stories high. There's like...a little mat underneath you. And, I'm like 1) I don't like doing this and 2) If I screw up I'LL DIE. I mean...the mat is really just there to sop up the blood." - My Dad

SIN, COSIN, COSIN, SIN! 3.14159!

Yes, the Mathletes cheer we did sophomore year when WE WON SECTIONALS! Yeah. Represent! Too bad Illinois Mathletes is nowhere near as exciting as Mean Girls makes it seem. It's the movie's greatest flaw. What? Alice SHUT UP! This is not the point of this entry at all.



The point (pun intended) is that I love to celebrate Pi Day. LOVE IT. For the past six years Mia and I have made it our personal holiday. Even if we're abroad on the official day, we celebrate some other time. There is always cause for pie! Yesterday was that day. Our pies were apple and berry. They were delightful.

Today I am working on my capstone and uploading more stuff from my external hard drive onto Kurt. I found an old iChat convo between Mia and I from winter 2008. It is too good not to share.

Mia: I CALLED YOU
Mia: AND LEFT YOU A MESSAGE
Mia: WITH MY NAME AND NUMBER
Mia: AND I WAS NEVER CALLED BACK
Alice: Ughhh I'm sorry!
Alice: I did get that and I just checked it at a bad time and I meant to call back and did not...
Alice: Sorrry!

Alice: You said you couldnt get mad at me!
Alice: In your LJ!
Alice: Circa '05.
Mia: wow
Mia: way to bring up the past
Alice: Yeah well it was true then and it is true now!
Alice: It wasn't over.
Alice: It's still not over!
Alice: I wrote you a letter every day you were gone.
Mia: uhhhh
Mia: if you are quoting what i think you are
Mia: then i hate you
Mia: as much as i hate that movie
Alice: I hate that movie too.
Mia: why
Mia: why quote it
Alice: Because it is so bad that it is funny.
Alice: Like Popstar.
Alice: And How to Deal.
Alice: Many fond memories.
Mia: HOW TO DEAL IS A GOOD F______ MOVIE

Alice: Well do you need anything from me?
Alice: IE what you wanted to know form the phone call?
Mia: i was telling you about your present actually
Alice: I'l tell you something exciting in exchange for this future present.
Mia: nope
Alice: Ok well I'll still tell you the exciting thing.
Alice: New Jack's Mannequin comes out April 22!
Mia: gross
Mia: i hate them
Alice: Why do you hate Jack's?
Alice: I mean both bands are basically Andrew McMahon.
Mia: they are the jesus to socos moses for the jews like me
Mia: opposite for you
Alice: Hahah.
Alice: Right right.
Mia: im busy waatching roswell
Mia: now
Alice: Haha ok peace.
Mia: bibi


Yesterday.

Come Home

Some people hate that we are mandated by this school to live in dorms all four years. But, I've always liked it. It is a closer community, and you never have to worry about rents and locations etc. It's a flat rate. You've got a house. It's done.

Tonight as I was about to brush my teeth I saw a hallmate of mine all glammed up like she was heading out. I am wearing Phyl's old purple tank top with hearts on it and gym shorts. I'm sleepy, and it's showing. I like that--that in my own home, in my own hall, I can remember that some people go out late on Fridays and others write on their blogs and go to sleep. Some are with boyfriends and others are texting their long distance dudes while watching 30 Rock. Some are hosting several friends in a room and others are together as roommates, soundlessly.

when you've got a problem you come home
you don't go out and make matters worse on your own

Givin' You Hell

the sistahs celebrating with their father in March

First of all, yes I did wear gym shorts and a sweatshirt to a fine Italian restaurant. Whatevs! Second of all, Pookie and I have been talking about loyalty bunches lately.

I thought it was worth posting one of my recent fave quotes of hers. We were waiting outside before The Ataris discussing support of others and she said:

"I'll support you as long as you support me, and if you don't...then...I hate you."

If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well, then he's a fool. You're just as well. Hopes it gives you hell.

Absolution

Got lost on my self-made field trip to the Black History Wax Museum of STL. I was disoriented and upset in a sketchfest town after over an hour of fruitless driving when I saw an actual black person trying to hold his car back from rolling down a hill. I rolled down the window (super ironic note: I was listening to the "The Money Song" from Avenue Q) and asked if help was needed. Yes, he gasped. He ran out of gas in such a way that he could not leave the car or it would roll into traffic. With a plastic gas can in tow, I trotted across the street and down a block to grab some fuel for the stranger. I returned, and the car was still stalling. "More," he said, and I agreed. Back again to the station, filled up, crossed the speedy cars once more, watched the car fire up.

People always give these stories in church: "I couldn't figure out why i couldn't get to where I was going, but then, while I was misled I was able to help someone else." Well ding-dang if it didn't just happen to me. For some reason, as I drove away I still felt a twinge of failure. Sure, I had helped a living person instead of oogling wax, but I LOVE WAX. And, then, a school bus of children pulled in front of me. About six kids were crowding the back window making the honk motion. So, I did. In the middle of the crowded highway, I honked with all my might and the kids cheered. That kind of absolves everything.

When you help others you can't help helping yourself.

Hurts Donut

box of donuts found on my bed a couple weeks ago--left by Char

Everything hurts right now. Not to get all personal on my public blog, but it's valuable for everyone to realize even girls with free MacBooks and new haircuts can be hurt. And, I am. Oh, how hurt I am. Plus, I am up working on my capstone for a deadline in the AM.

My sister told me I need to spend five minutes thinking about what I am grateful for that is unrelated to this terrible situation that has retched its claws into practically every aspect of my life. My response is this blog.

Five Things I AM Grateful For
1. Dunkin Donuts' new donut voting contest. Excitement, deliciousness, democracy. What could be better?
2. Prose Works by Mary Baker Eddy
3. Getting to play opposite Xtian in the spring play. Sub-point: getting to seductively rub his fat suit.
2. My upcoming trip to the Black History Wax Museum.
1. My sister and our Sex and the City dates.

Bonus: the movie The Last Kiss which I just saw this weekend, and I now firmly believe everyone should see it. Not just because it's good (it is), but because the themes and scenarios are incredibly important to consider in the film before you must consider them in life.

Oy

Got to stop dealing like Mandy Moore and put the scissors DOWN.


Bang-a-rang. Literally.

My New Birthday!

Prologue:
Back in 2006, right before I went off to college, my mother bought me the wondrous gift of a new MacBook laptop. I named it Bernadette (Bernie for short). It was much better than my little tangerine iMac recycled from my sista. I was grateful, but it had problems almost immediately.

It broke about a month into my ownership, again that winter break, again that fall. The battery, the CD drive, the casing, everything! All the time it felt like. But, I was grateful. Bernie was always a slowpoke--never falling asleep and waking up playing music in the middle of the night. It took a full minute for Word to load on it. This winter all hell broke lose. She burned through her power cord. She overheated and died. She didn't hold a charge. The Genius Bar (after many visits) finally offered to get her logic board fixed. That had to happen twice. I was grateful because my warrantee was up, but I was miffed because Apple's product was rather shoddy that it wouldn't even last an average student through college!

Anyway, for the first two weeks of the quarter I kept Bernie stationary on my desk because if I ever moved it (even jiggled), she would shut down and my work would be lost. Enough was enough. I didn't want my capstone to be lost. So, it was time to buy a new computer. I was nervous for the money, but I had help, and it was time.

Events of Last Wednesday Night:
Brought Bernie to The Genius Bar. I had the same guy I had had the previous four times. The computer shut down for no reason. He took it to the back room. He came out announcing this was going to be my best visit yet with him. He was giving me a brand new MacBook. I screamed. I screamed! I fantasized about the scenario--the Apple dude just looking up my product history and seeing "Okay, yeah, we owe this girl." AND THEN IT HAPPENED! This is the ULTIMATE pink pony of my life.

Pookie and I (elated) went to CPK where I could get a "summer drink" (my term for a delightful cold and fruity drink). I asked the waiter for one, and he enjoyed the phrase. He joked that the phrase would catch on. Hadley joined us. We all rejoiced! I felt like I had to call everyone! "It's my new birthday!" I yelled to the Mac guy.



Epilogue:
I've been so happy with my new computer: Kurt. I type this at a rapid pace, able to navigate through windows so quickly. I got to start fresh. I'm loading my music slow. Dreams come true!

Thai-Ho!

Stripes, Muff, and I had our quarterly meeting Saturday night. We enjoyed curries and concretes together speaking in bad accents and guffaws all the while.



I love them, these girls, and I wish I could just HAVE some women. When I watch Sex and the City I get insanely jealous that all my female friends never bonded into a neat little pod. They are scattered across the country, scattered across my life, sometimes scatter-brained.

Anyway, we were talking about early memories of each other, and Stripes brought up a memory from before we had even spoken really at all. It was winter of our freshman year. We were in the same house but rather unaware of one another. One morning she happened to get up in time before class to slop a jog together. She said it was gorgeous morning--frosty and sunny. She was rather enjoying herself when she noticed me far ahead on the road bobbing easily along in my little running pants with my little head phones. Trip-trop, hop-skip. Easy easy easy. She said at that moment she thought, "Hmmph, now SHE has it all together. She does this every morning." Which...was true. But, under no circumstances did I have it all together at that point. In fact, that was probably one of my worst quarters of college. I was hardly trying in classes, rude in rehearsals, and struggling with friendship issues nearly every ding-dang day. Yet, at that time, I looked together. I'll take it.

She said some mornings when she would be barreling around getting ready she would imagine me, happily ending my run, taking a long shower, fixing up for work, etc. and think "Blast."



It's so easy to see yourself as a train wreck. Muff complained heavily about her despicable capstone. Of course, such poppycock makes you want to slap the person speaking and scream "STOP BAD-MOUTHING MY FRIEND!" To those who love us, we are gems. How come it is so difficult for us to believe them?

Good Grief/Guilt!

There is none. I came to the realization last summer than many times I feel guilty because I feel I am supposed to. Like, I have acted in a certain way, and I know it was wrong, so I feel the appropriate thing to do is feel guilty. Well, that sucks. We're not meant to feel guilty. People might try to make you feel guilt to teach you a lesson, but guilt wastes immense amounts of time. There is NO good guilt. Period.

Yet, I struggle so. It's natural for me to feel, and I feel guilty for not feeling guilty after I have done wrong. I know I should put my energy in positive action instead of privately mourning a mistake, but sometimes it is impossible to figure out that plan of action. Or embarrassing. Or both.

Just a few minutes ago I feel a tingle on my foot and looked down to see a huge rhino beetle. I was filled with a quick stab of fear before gathering my wits, grabbing a paper, and escorting it outside. I opened the door as it scurried around the paper frantically. Scared it would make its way to my arm I shook it free immediately and it fell down to the sidewalk with a CRACK. The sound of it's little beetle exoskeleton smashing. CRACK. The tiny noise is haunting me. Why didn't I bend down? Why didn't I just bend down before shaking the paper? Is that little guy okay? Are his guts seeping through his back? Can he move at all? Maybe he bounced up with no harm, but I'll never know, and the horrid part about having a steel trap memory is that I probably will never forget. I still remember the moth my mother killed right in front of me when I was ten. I cried for an hour. The spiders I had to smash above my bunk bed at camp in 2003. The 17 years of meat I ate. The bunnies I couldn't help but touch whose mother abandoned them. The childhood lightening bugs dead in a jar on my window sill.

Whitney, don't you understand that what I say is true?

Dance-Off LZ Show 2010 (note me doing "The Blender")

Danced as hard as my cheepy sheepy shoes could handle last night. The venue was sketchy and smokey. The company was Pookie. The band was The Ataris.

Oh! The Ataris. So many memories. The band I played obsessively while lazing in bed the winter of my 15th year daydreaming on my crush and our recent hook-up. The band that made me thirst for love. Oh! The Ataris. The band I played obsessively after my first major heartbreak.

It was surreal. The Ataris had some big hits half a decade ago. Their music videos were on MTV. They were on the radio. Since then the rest of the band besides lead singer/song-writer Kris Roe dropped out. He released a terrible album in 2007, and now he's apparently on tour in the worst venues of the United States.

Poor guys had to set up all their own equipment and get yelled at by an audience that knew barely half of the set. Kris was pissed, saying his bandmates didn't know the requests, saying the songs being shouted for were terrible in the first place. Regardless, I was overjoyed. He played some excellent old favorites--namely "San Dimas High School Football Rules" and "Your Boyfriend Sucks."

I went up to meet him after, as he was busy shoving his stuff in boxes, but he was so tired and grumpy. I wanted to say, "Your music has really made a difference to me." But, I wanted to say that to help, and I decided just leaving would probably be better.

Dear God,

please make this a good year for Kris Roe.

Warmly,
Alice

I'm still waiting for the world to come crashing down again.
I'm still waiting for someone to call me up and tell me you're dead.

So Moving

post-awards Nats 2006 with Hunny
Last week inbetween panels at AWP I was re-reading Jeffrey Hatcher's play Three Viewings which includes one of my favorite monologues of all time. The section is entitled "Thirteen Things about Ed Carpolotti." It was my Dramatic Interp piece for speech and debate my senior year. It was the piece that won me my title at Nationals.

I finished reading the play right as a panel on feminist writing began and totally surprisingly began to cry. I had forgotten how near to my heart and how incredibly poignant the end of the play was. If that's not good theatre I don't know what it.


Act III, Scene I

Also last week I was in the editing suites making a cutting of Summer Brave for my actor files when I got to that terrible dramatic scene for Rosemary. I couldn't edit that scene without tears in my eyes. I'm not disgusting enough to say my performance was so good that even I cried upon viewing. I will simply forever be emotionally torn up by those lines, those situations, frankly, that scene as a whole. My brown dress, the puddles on Bradley's shirt.

These experiences are priceless to me.

Oh, and Katie, Katie be happy this world can be ugly, but isn't it beautiful?

I Guess Today's Gunna Blow Us Away

Because I'm feeling stressy about my capstone I have written a list. You know how I roll.

21 Significant Songs of My 21st Year

21. Everyday - Buddy Holly
an anthem for leaving college
20. While You Wait for Others - Grizzly Bear
an anthem for taking it easy in the fall
19. Skid Row - Little Shop of Horrors
an anthem for getting out of winter alive
18. Pokerface - Lady Gaga
an anthem for dancing and kickboxing in my dad's house over break
17. Replay - That Guy
an anthem for driving around in a huge van full of LZ cast
16. November Blue - The Avett Brothers
an anthem for train trips to Chicago
15. 100 Easy Ways to Lose a Man - Wonderful Town
an anthem sang by me during the spring musical
14. Rita's Confession - Lucky Stiff
an anthem performed by Huntie and I at ACTF
13. I Am the One - Next to Normal
an anthem for a year of singing along
12. You Belong to Me - Taylor Swift
an anthem for kids and summer at camp
11. Let Your Love Grow Tall - Passion Pit
an anthem for summer runs on the road out of camp
10. There, There Katie - Andrew McMahon
an anthem for listening quietly in the girls dressing room
9. Keep Me Hangin' On - Diana Ross
an anthem for feeling good
8. Why Bother - Weezer
an anthem for concert pump-ups
7. All I Have to Do Is Dream - The Everly Brothers
an anthem covered by A. McMahon in concert
6. With or Without You - U2
an anthem screeched with an old roomie
5. Watcha Say - Jason Derullo
an anthem I screeched to an old roomie
4. Don't Stop Believing - Glee Cover
an anthem for Glee dates with Phyl and Bradley
3. It Won't Be Long Now - In the Heights
an anthem for brisk walks and reunions in Texas
2. Halloweenhead- Ryan Adams
an anthem for being mentally strained
1. 21 and Invincible - Something Corporate
an anthem to the year itself

Everyday it's a gettin' closer, goin' faster than a roller coaster.

Slou & Wizzy

The End of the Story

Bradley and I post Lazy Zip, February

Someone once told me he used to read my blog, but he was frustrated most of the time because I only ever tell the first half of stories, and I never finish what I am saying.

I just realized this is true about my auditions a couple weeks ago. I wrote about my audition and hopes, but never offered the satisfying finish. My dreams came true as I was awarded the part of Lady Quigley--Maid Marion's serving wench. The cast is phenomenal, and, yes, I get to be in scenes with both Bradley and Stripes. So, mystery solved if you were wondering.

It's late and this grate won't come down, come down. It's late and this grate won't come down.

Not Lost!

Wiped! The writing conference was inspiring, education, enjoyable, but oh-so-tiring. So many ideas, but just a quick thought for now.

As I was waiting at the terminal in Portland at the end of Spring Break, one of those "we've oversold, whoopsies" announcements came on the loudspeaker. No one wanted to budge. There was a free ticket at stake for bumping to a late flight--one that would leave the next day.

I was seriously considering it, but then I would have to call Yatchface, get her to pick me up, stay with her boyfriends family, go through the whole idea, have less time with my dad etc. etc. etc. So...I opted to stick on the original flight. For a moment I checked myself. Was I going to regret losing an opportunity to my laziness? Well, no! Because the opportunity was not lost. The opportunity was gained for another person, and that can't be bad.

It's spring. The lilacs have arrived. I've been back in my room for a few minutes. It's time for a run.

I don't do sadness--not even a little bit. I just don't need it in my life. Don't want any part of it.

Vacay Please

How is it possible I already need a vacation? It's been ten days since school started. Everyone I know is going crazy and freaking out about graduation. It's horrid, and I hate it. Also, because of the weird tension everywhere, I have found myself doing less work and writing and more pouring over which picture I should submit to the yearbook for my senior portrait.

Anyway, I scoot out to a long conference tomorrow, and I'm not packed and I have a lot to do before I leave.

My computer is ridiculously terribly-tempered, so I won't be bringing her along. Thus, without internet until at least Sunday. Also, won't be doing any school work etc. until then. Joy of joys behind two weeks into my capstone.

Must. Look. At. Something. Positive:

one of the best skits from LZ '10

Clearly, things are not looking great right now. But, tomorrow, when I am breathing the fresh school-free air of Denver, I'll be singing a different song.

Little minds let little pain burn big old dreams with little flames.
And you don't think I understand.
But, little holes in parachutes won't leave you falling, if they do
it's because you wanna land.

ETC.

Heian Temple, Kyoto, September 2008

What I wouldn't give for a prayer tablet today.

I will miss you in the darkness of the dawn.
Journey on.

I Only Keep This Heap for You

Yesterday, after my first attempt at a 5K since fall, I was nasty. I actually stopped by my sister's office and she started involuntarily crying. The sweat pouring out of every inch of my skin drove her to tears. After I left, I was slugging to my house when Palms, about twenty feet away, saw me, and with the grace of a ballet dancer hopped to the side of the sidewalk and snatched up a fresh daffodil to place in my hand as he passed. The gentleman.

It was right as classes were getting out, so in the midst of bustling and freshly-taught students there I was--in my ratty basketball shirt, wet and red from the exercise, and holding a lovely little flower. It fit perfectly with the Magnetic Fields song I had just been listening to.



I'm the ugliest guy on the lower east side. But I got wheels and you wanna go for a ride.