It's Me Hi

I dreamt I laid on the floor and fell through five stories into a basement's basement, surrounded by ghosts. I woke up with a start right at 2 AM, grappled for my phone and somehow accidentally FaceTimed a guy I saw at a birthday party last night.

I'm running out of steam. I've never been so close with nothing to show for it. It's a long game, they say. A marathon and not a sprint, they say, but I don't know how much time there is left. For all of it. Inside an imploding industry inside a cracking town in a teetering democracy inside a world on fire. The worst kind of Wonderball.

I have no more, "But at least!"s in me. I fend off bitterness with a staff, but the wolves have gotten too close and gnawed both ends. I'm holding a stupid stick. The pink shiny bubbles of potential keep popping. So many so fast they no longer bring me joy as they float my direction. Feeling like a dunce for believing in circles of air. I don't want to work so hard to get by.

It could be worse. What a mean belief we have to cling to. Because it could just be better for everyone down here instead. I hate how many people never worry/haven't had to worry. Maim reminds me on such a gorgeous patio, it's not personal. It's being a millennial. It's the year. Maybe it's the lack of free will. In that moment, her face in the sun, a fresh seltzer with lime in my hand, it was all just a joke.

Egg Honcho Dream October 2022

I was surprised to learn he smoked--this man who set up the event. It was bizarre. An Easter egg hunt for a small plastic doll. I've always been good at egg hunts, so I felt confident. We could work in groups. I aligned myself with two other players. We'd each take a section of the room. There was a fourth person who showed interest in working with us. We said we'd see how round one (of three) went. The game began, and I was surprised by how difficult it was. I couldn't find the little doll anywhere. I asked the ref if it was visible. I assumed it would be. But no, I was informed. The doll might even be inside a sofa cushion. I felt my anxiety intensify. I asked if I was allowed to rip open sofa cushions. The ref shrugged, unsure. How could he be unsure? Where was the real head honcho? What were the boundaries of the "game"? Was this a test? Who will win at what cost? Then I saw him. Honcho. He was off chatting with someone else who signed up to participate, but immediately thew up their hands and quit trying. The two of them were laughing in a cozy living room with hot cocoas. I was jealous. Why hadn't I thought of that?

When I was woke up I thought about the anecdote David Mamet (problematic!) ended his MasterClass with. People traveled from miles around to take a telepath test. Everyone stood in long lines, waiting to sign up for the test, all anxious, wondering if they were special. One person at the end of the line began fretting they wouldn't even make it to the front before the tests were to be administered. But then they heard. A little whisper. It said, "If you can hear this, step out of line and walk to the door at the back of the room."

Proud Reading Reflections

 Thursday night I produced a reading of my beloved screenplay I'm trying to sell. I've been waffling about it since July. July 11 I emailed my first casting choice to ask if she'd do a performance. She wrote back right away yes, and then the ball rolled. I gathered the group, found the space, imagined how I wanted it to go. Came up against a bunch of roadblocks in August. I hate to back out of things, but I doubted I could pull it off. I asked who was around--my mom and Puhg if I was pushing too hard. They both had such similar answers, "It seems fun!" And that was enough for me to power through.

SO many contract emails, rehearsal Venmos, actor shuffles, schedule headaches, poster edits, Insta stories later, the day came. And all day, annoyances cropped up. Late tech director, actors in traffic, comp drops. I got angry, I got sad, I got into my frilly pink dress. I showed up arms full and head buzzing. Rushed through two scenes we NEEDED to slam, frantically got the lights situation set, drafted a curtain speech, greeted folks hoping they wouldn't all hate me soon.

And honestly it went SO GREAT! Not perfect, but great! I juggled cleaning up the green room with greeting friends on the patio, tried to absorb the compliments but also keep my brain from falling out. Made ONE promising connection. And that's really what it's about. Unreal, but true. Finally walked down the street, with stragglers, where we could just laugh and enjoy the autumn night air.

The next day Puhg gave me such a good compliment. Something I didn't know about myself. He said, "You really put yourself in uncomfortable situations." It almost sounds like a diss. But he went on, "You do things you know will be really hard on you because you want whatever is on the other side." And it's true! I've got grit. Professional, personally--I toss myself into so many experiences where I KNOW I am going to cry, rage, and panic. That's the nature of the beast. But I've done it over and over and over and over for, now, literal decades.

Even now, I'm very aware of which people followed up after the show to gush and which have been silent (I think) purposely. But what can I do? It's not for everyone! My work or my ethic! Good luck burning someone who sits in fire.