Kaboom

Rick at the A-Bomb Dome 2008

Today I have been so grumpy. I am uninspired and producing poor work for my advanced seminar. I am tired without being sleepy. I am getting irritable for no reason. It's not fair to those around me or me for that matter. Ba-boom explosion.

I can't write for school anymore tonight. I might have some reading left in me, but No. More. Writing. It's too hard to make something good without passion. On the other hand, I think people enjoy working with me as a writer (and actress) because I detatch so much. I'm totally teachable, and I never think anything of what I have just done. But...I'm uninspired...frequently. Like the ruins of Hiroshima, I feel full of holes and purpose lately.

I'm going to relax now. I mean it.

You've gotta swim through nights that won't end.

Hearts, Anniversaries

Nac in Kyoto 2008

Saw this door the first day of my abroad. I was super lovesick and just plain sick that day. Still, look what I found, a tiny heart in the hinge of a giant ancient temple door. Perhaps I'm taking my life too literally, but I feel like me finding that heart was necessary. There will be love in Japan, it told me. And, there was!

Tonight Muff and I celebrated our anniversary of becoming friends--which was last year at One-Act Auditions. One-Act Auditions came and went this week (I'm cast with Huntie in Bradley's...a dream come true) and we realized it had been a year! We went out for dinner, had coffee, and laughed and laughed and laughed and talked and made a stranger in Target take our picture for my scrapbook.

Champion

I feel more successful after a work-out if all numbers on the machine match up than when I am actually fast or strong. Boop!

This morning I lifted weights and stair-stepped. I got off exactly as the machine hit 1.0 miles and 15:00 minutes. Exactly.

So wonderful. And, yes, it does take me fifteen minutes to stair-step a mile. And, yes, I still sweat copiously.

Replay-ay-ay-ay

Slou as a guy, Koh Lip Sync 2007

1. "Replay" is on replay on my iTunes. So GD catchy. NananaNA Ev-er-ry Day...Muff is going to go nuts between this and my constant singing of Watcha Say.

2. Just met with Kath about Koh'10 should I work there again this summer (for the last time). I'm in the middle of prepping for a philosophy exam. I will have to write a persuasive essay on the morality of abortion. As we said goodbye in the concourse she yelled out to me, "Bye! Love you! Have a good abortion!"

That girl is the gun to my holster.

Summer 2004

Summer Brave Fall, 2009--it was fall in reality, summer in my mind

Summer 2004: Got my driver's license. Spent many days in DG and OL with Henne. Spent many nights at The Ranch with Liss and Knoze. Ate Culvers and went to camp.

I'm working on my advanced creative writing seminar project right now. It's going terribly. I cannot focus. I keep thinking about this one day in summer '04:

Fran and I went to Elmhurst to meet with two of her friends from St. Ignatias. We walked from the girls' neighborhood to a Coldstone Creamery. I got a waffle cone of sweet cream with gummy bears. We walked to the cinema and saw Napolean Dynamite. I got concerned about moving during the opening credits and didn't laugh the whole time. My mom picked Fran and I up that night. We listened to the Ragtime soundtrack on the way home. We hit a train, and my mom was late for church.

Priorities

Wonderful Town 2009

Take a close look at your options, and decide what you should do.

Since I was aware of the concept, I have always thought my priorities were pretty sturdy. I've always been somewhat intelligent, rational, grounded, etc. I know how to keep my "priorities straight." I know some people who surely went to college to learn how to deal with priorities. Some kids go into school not understanding how to manage time so they can do their work. How they should ration money. How do they balance the potential to be with a lover all the time and keep friends etc. etc.?

I think I had that stuff figured out pretty well. What I don't think I knew was how to prioritize my "good" priorities. For example, school is always a priority. Always, always, always...but this week it was too hard to focus on my classes and appreciate my opportunities at ACTF. School. Not a priority for a few days. And...that makes sense. My life is going to be far more determined by what happened at the conference than by what happened in the classes of American Lit I missed. So my grades suffer? So what?

Incidentally, a woman who saw me in semis offered me a spot as Lucy in You're a Good Man Charlie Brown in her summer stock company. So, there's that to think about. I kinda don't care what happens to my GPA.

You could make your own decisions or do what they tell you to.

My Little Heart Just Can't Take It

Semi-finals were good. Not great. But good. In an hour we find out if we progress to finals. I hope someone from Prin does. If it is me or if it is not me I think I will be equally satisfied.

My little heart just can't take it. I woke up at 2:45 AM today and couldn't sleep. My nerves gave me a splitting headache and jangled my limbs. I went to the bathroom four times. I read almost an entire novel. I wrote. I thought. I thought. I practiced slating to myself (for probably half an hour--and I still messed it up). I thought. I was first in line for the hotel breakfast. I walked on a treadmill.

In short--I was nuts. So, if I have to go through it all again tomorrow...I'm not sure a final round will be worth it. Still antsy from the last performance. What happened to me? In high school I was competing every weekend. Have I atrophied that fast?

Some Things

1. Huntie is the best scene partner in the world. We made it to semi-finals here at ACTF for the Irene Ryans. Totally supportive and so talented. I'm sups lucky.
2. I love acting.
3. I love our director and the friends I ge tto share this trip with--especially Bradley. How special this is our second time at this festival together.
4. I am really really behind on my schoolwork. I cannot stress this enough.
5. I don't care.
6. This is worth it.

Errands

Yesterday was Errands Day with Pookie. We left at 8 AM and I got back to school at near 7 PM. Woofland. It was successful, but a day of successful errands always feels like a failure. You come back beat, tired, and poor. But, if I make a list of what I did yesterday, I will feel less stressed about what I have to do in the next hour before I leave for my acting competition.

-Mac Store. Bernie was sent away for another repair.
-Shoes. Needed black kicks for the trip. Got bonus sale sandals and a new pair of tennis shoes (sans holes).
-Coffee. With a friend of Pookie's.
-Target. Leggings for da cold, tampons, and toothpaste. Awesome.
-Whole Foods. Sushi break.
-Galleria. New Sweater for my competition.
-PetSmart. Food for Blanchie.

There were many more stops, but they were for Pookie, so I just waited patiently. Her bank, her gym, the Cupcakery, etc.

Finally! I was back at school with my phone ringing off the hook. I was totally unproductive:
-played piano with KHO
-talked with Muff
-had Bradley and The Sitch run into my room topless blasting dance music and grinding on me (I screamed)
-watched (and danced) as Kay DJed a dance party in the science building atrium
-wrote half my newspaper article (that was due Friday) and passed out

Eat Ceasar!

Craving Ceasar dressing like I'm preggo. I AM NOT (just to be clear after the rampant rumor that I was engaged last week started and fueled entirely by Facebook). Anyhoo, I work 8-9 AM this quarter in the Piasa Pub. I show up all sweaty from my work-out with Muff, wash my hands, blow my nose, and get moving on Ceasar Salad Wraps.

This is my daily task. By the end of the shift sometimes I have done a few dishes or made an omlette or two, but the bulk of the hour is spent prepping the wraps. I love making them. Instant gratification of a job well done:

Lay out the pita. Drizzle dressing. Place grilled chicken. Drop parmesian. Sprinkle lettuce. And that's a wrap! Slice in half, wedge in container, toss in a dressing cup, and garnish with two peppers. Bada Bing.

Here's the problem, after only a week and a half of this, I can't stop craving those wraps. I don't even eat chicken, and I crave a chicken wrap for every meal. Instead I focus on the dressing. The thick homemade Ceasar dressing...*insert Homer Simpson drool here* I seriously can't stop thinking about it. You'd think it would work backwards...you handle something every day...you don't want it. I, however, am hypnotized.

PS No photos until I get a new computer. Mine is certifiabley busted forever and ever amen. Eff.

Portions: Hearty

Full plate this quarter and no computer. It is officially fried and busted. I write from the Syl Lab. I have a daydream that somehow Apple will feel bad for making a computer that broke around twelve times in the course of our relationship and give me a new one for free.

I'm not holding my breath.

One thought for the day:

I have got to stop screaming at the weather. I was clomping to the gym this morning at 7:15 and just grumbling my little face off. That's not how to have a successful winter, Alice. I solemnly promise to stop hating the weather. I don't have to love it, like it even, but I do have to stop hating it. I do feel like I need to escape the Midwest by this time next year though. I'm not sure I can keep this up much longer.

Gettin' Old

YES its way over-done, but I feel like I'm getting so old so fast. Even a YEAR ago my plans and goals were infinitely more exciting than they are now. I've always been rather simple with my desires.

Old Desires:
-Do some traveling
-Work my way up the Second City program of improv
-Teach in Japan

New Desires:
-Not be cold
-Be within reasonable distance of a theatre so I can see a show once and a while--even if I never act again
-Companionship

I don't think I was ever purposely trying to rebel against anything with my disinterest in marriage, distaste for a career right out of school, living anywhere that would link me closer to improv...I think I just could have hacked it then. But now...I'm tired. I want to go on walks and be warm even in winter. I want to operate in small quiet settings and travel only when I absolutely have to. I don't want to make new friends. I just want to look around and see the same guy in my house.

Its easy for me to say this with my clamped jaw and numb chin and joints that haven't gotten to work-out in a week and the busiest quarter I will have in college staring me in the face. Gosh, it's probably just today, but I feel like if I woke up tomorrow and all my dreams had been thrown away and all I was left with was a shack in Arizona, a deadbeat husband, and a crappy job...it wouldn't be so bad.