Catch Me I'm Falling (frm N2N)

Make up your mind
to explore yourself.
Make up your mind—
you have stories to tell.
We'll search in your past
for what sorrows may last,
then make up your mind
to be well.

Make up your mind
that you're strong enough.
Make up your mind—
let the truth be revealed.
Admit what you've lost,
and live with the cost.
At times it does hurt
to be healed.

Make up your mind,
you want clarity.
Take what you know,
and then make it make sense.
Just face what you fear,
and soon it comes clear—
the visions are just your defense.

Make up your mind
you can live at last.
Make up your mind
to be fully alive.
Embrace what's inside.
Replace what has died.
Then make up your mind--
you'll survive.

A Marvel

Jamin waking up. December 2012. 

"One marvels that a friend can ever seem less than beautiful."--MBE

Green Analysis of Looper (Spoilers)

First of all, I really enjoyed Looper. Everyone I knew who had seen it from students to my dad had given it a serious thumbs up, so I had high expectations, and those expectations were certainly met. The movie is intriguing, beautifully crafted, and digestible enough to make sense, but complex enough to make you work/feel kind of smarty.

I also really appreciated the theme of conscientious environmentalism that can be applied to the film. As 20 somethings in a broken world they inherited, the Loopers feel as though their youthful behavior--while destructive--is theirs to enact. Again, they never asked to be part of that society in the first place. Even when directly faced with the consequences of the future, even for themselves, they do not want to change their ways.

The film also shows the heart of the struggle with environmental progress via Bruce Willis's character as he simultaneously demands a better future but refuses to change his own desires. We are empathetic to his emotion because we see that he is hopeful for a genuinely good thing. At the same time, by the end of the film we see that perhaps Willis is not wrong in that what he wants is a good thing...but that doesn't mean that overall he is working toward the greater good. To me, the projected solution of the film in terms of breaking the harmful cycle is something like, "Look. We get that you are but a human lost in the wide world without any personal responsibility for things, but just take some, would you? And furthermore, recognize that maybe you see something you could sacrifice as unsacrificable, but have you ever considered that perhaps there is more good--dare we say--BETTER good to fill the hole in your preconceived idea of perfection?"

There's a lot more to say on this topic (IE the use of retro fashion portraying this selfishness is not new to any generation), but I also have a lot of homework and grading to do.

Today I Am Binging On:

-Next to Normal soundtrack
-vegan cookie dough dip
-rainy naps
-writing in my diary
-The Palgrave Handbook of Childhood Studies

School has been very challenging in a totally manageable way. But, still. There are days when I try to make a list of everything coming up, and I get a little finicky. Next to Normal is such a good show because when I watched it last night/when I listen to this music, despite it being fraught with themes of anxiety, I myself feel competent and able, at peace, and loved.

I am the one who knows you.
I am the one who cares.
I am the one who's always been there.
I am the one who's helped you,
and if you think that I just don't give a damn,
then you just don't know who I am.

Intelligence

My high school theatre classroom was in the far corner of the basement, basically secluded except for our neighbors: the shop department. As a student I felt like I was venturing across the stupid world to get to My Place. And sometimes it seemed our cast of Crimes of the Heart had survived the zombie apocalypse down there alone. But, now, as I sit in bed at 6 AM racking my brains (braiiiiiiiiiins) making high school theatre lesson plans that are noise sensitive, I think the person who designed the drama quarantine is a darn genius.

My improv team winning Regionals Fall 2012. Like, look at Splosian. Do we really need him screaming in the halls of a high school?

70 in January

It's probably what an orange feels like when someone finally opens it.
Yes, the skin must be pierced
and peeled, but when it's opened so is the entire world.
Everything is Vitamin C--
no, not graduation--
just the spirit
of something.
Even the little wedges cry out
in spit mist,
"We are free!
We are free!"

Michelle Obama's Cardigan

Fully admit I love the Obamas
in a sort of idealized way. This might make me
a bit naive, but I don't care.
Last night on Girls Jessa said both sides are
dirtbags. Which is true
and not true. But if you can love a politician--
not blindly, but by way of reading
love letters his college flames published
(in which he asks What Am I Meant to Be?)--
then, what the heck, I say,
just love him.

At the gym T Swift blared in my ears
while I ran toward CNN.
Barack and Michelle walking that mall.
Closed Captioning told me the first lady
wore the same navy cardigan yesterday.
How is this news? But. Fine. I think:
Good for you, ma'am. Real people wear
the same sweater twice.
And I bopped my head side to side,
pressed the buttons faster faster faster,
the song about Jake Gyllenhaal and Never Ever Ever,
while the president swore
"I'm still here."

*

L      I      F     E
S   H   O   R   T

Head Over Feet

Arizona is so beautiful today. I open the blinds, I run down the bright streets, I smile, I smile, I smile, hello cactus! Hello little city! I sit on my front porch. I wear my bikini top. I read pages of theory. I smile, I smile, I smile. The sun blocks out my brain--which is a good thing.

I make huge salads for me and Ro. Working through the giant bag of spinach I got at the farmer's market for three dollars. We used the strawberries I bought with Shells last night. The grocery store on Friday night. I sipped a vanilla latte and we sang Alanis Morrisette in preparation for Bug's 21st blow-out. And don't be alarmed if I fa-all. I found a hula-hoop on the wall of the dance floor. I hooped in the backyard while Shells' phone timed me, and people kept walking close to me to talk, and I would have to shoo them away. All the colors of lights. Dots of lights on everybody's dancing bodies.

Photobomb by Lowsta.

You ask how my day was.

Butterbrickle

March 2012

For all we know, we  might not get tomorrow.

Roommate Things

My roommates are perfect. They are friendly, considerate, clean, and we're all pretty quiet. We keep different schedules, and I sometimes don't see one of the other for a few days at a time. Zeta, generally a bit shy, recently told me I should get a leather jacket to look tough on my scooter. Beta watches a lot of Teen Mom. I find them both very attractive looking humans, and they don't even have to try. Their whole family is this way. When I come home and the sisters and parents are all in the kitchen sorting leftovers from some family event, I feel like Charlize Theron in Monster. RAWWWWR I HIDE IN MY ROOM AND WRITE PLAYS YOU GUYS COULD ALL BE MODELS RAWWR GONNA GO MEET CHRISTINA RICCI AT THE ROLLER RINK.

Here's some proof from Zeta's birthday last year:

Pretty Roomies. 2011.

So, I like 'em, but we're not friend-friends. We're profesh. SO, Beta texts me sometimes, but not like "Haha joke joke joke" texts. Like, "the hot water will be shut off tomorrow at 10" texts. Hence, when I got a text from her yesterday that said "Hey I accidentally opened your book package! I didn't read the label and thought it was mine!" I was kind of surprised she even bothered. Not a big deal obviously. I texted back "OMG MY PRIVACY! Just kidding, it's fine."She: "Haha ok good lol." Odd. ESPECIALLY when I got home and the package was only halfway opened. No big!

And then I saw what Beta would have seen.

Just the title of the textbook peeking through the package.

In huge black all caps,"GAY SHAME."

Uh oh. It was for a class! I was taking an English class on Queer Theory (that I actually ended up dropping but already had bought some books)! I laughed and called out to Beta in the living room, "OH! Haha this is for a class! You were probably like 'what?'! Haha! But! It! Well, it was a class at least, I'm not in it anymore...but ha...ha..." I trail off and Beta does a really giant I'm-Letting-You-Know-I'm-Comfortable smile. This is what I call some STRAIGHT SHAME.

Tips 'n' Tricks

One man's trash is another's symphony and you just have to remember that when it feels like the important beings think what you have is a pile of mud someone else is out there sees Jello brand chocolate pudding no even better sees organic cocoa topping dessert puree and sometimes it really is mud it really is but someone is still down to trot through it because that's what s/he needed and that's just as good as anything else just as good as a packed house or distribution for fifty cents a pop or an Instagram with the same amount of little hearts as the year you were born it's just as good.

Muff's mom's chocolate pudding. 2012.

Ladies in Comedy

I just really want to express gratitude for the women of comedy being so important lately. All five Golden Globe nominees for female lead in comedic TV are like huge household names, so well-loved, and they all speak to womanhood and equality. Not a one is just working on her acting career. All five of them go out of their way to address issues of gender identity, success, empowerment.

I just browsed through past Golden Globe comedienne nominees and winners, and, let me tell you, things hava changed. Like, women on TV used to be funny...I guess? But, outside that, they were mainly just bein' pretty girls. I don't want to discredit any of these historic women or blame them. Some are significant--Carol Burnett, Tracey Ulman...sure. But Calista Flockheart, Jennifer Anniston, Jenna Elfman...what have you done for me lately? Sarah Jessica Parker, you are a symbol of your generation, of womanhood, of relationships in general...but what have you said?

These women are all a product of their times. Things are different now. There's tweeting to the masses and women's history month essay contests and a support system, which we ALL owe a pretty hefty thank you to Tina for. It's a new world, but we still owe thanks. I'm giving it. Thanks.

I do also realize that all the nominees were white, and I look forward to seeing even more progress regarding otherness in the future.

Barenaked Ladies

Say what you will, there's a lightness. A sunny cheer.
And while I mentally made fun of the boy in college with his binder sharpeed
"TryToScreamButItOnlyComesOutAsAYawn"
he was nice.

Boulder had me over for stuffed green peppers to celebrate his last first day of school.
And he performed a little dance,
the guy's done with rewrites. What a blessing.
It's the perfect time of year
when you're done with rewrites.

I could walk, but I'll just drive
It's colder than it looks outside.

I Did

"Alice, I think you're more than good. I think you're amazing. And if you need to hear it, there it is."

Even fluffy compliments can be sincere. Motives are worth a thousand words.

Oyster Bar

These guys are my saving graces, which could not have been predicted a year and a half ago.

Photo from my boot camp graduation. JK from closing night of Drones.

Guess what I'm done writing you songs.
I'm far too unstable to settle--
I doubt that the doctors are wrong.
So I'll wait by a palm tree, a palm tree, a palm tree.

Well I've got friends who
(La La Lie)
help me pull through
(La La Lie La La La Lie).

Thoughts on Les Mis (Part II)

-There are many extreme close-ups for prolonged times. I don't know what this was trying to accomplish. It is safe to say I never felt extra-sensitive or connected by Anne Hathaway being huge and belting directly at me. On the contrary, I kept being pulled from the experience thinking, "Why does this keep happening?" Perhaps the filmmakers were thinking in exchange for the tangible aspect of a stage show, they would highlight the micro-possibilities of movies. But, for me, at least, the two were not comparable. I will say it was cool to see actors' emotional transformations so distinctly--read: so many tears. But, then again, while the shots made me appreciate the acting, I was so aware of them, I couldn't be fully appreciative of the story.
-Eddie Redmayne. Yowza.
-Thenardiers--perf, great fun, Sasha Baron forevah.
-It's nice they got the original Valjean into the film as the priest, but it bothered me they beefed up the part so much. Well, I'm actually not sure about this. The film hugely emphasized the religious undertones of the story, which, I suppose, are important. I actually had never truly understood how much the story is about God's grace until watching the film--mainly because of all the angled crucifix shots and ol' priesty wandering around extra scenes. I must admit, it was refreshing to see a movie that spoke to the importance of God. I don't generally believe religious views should be pushed on people, but I find it strange that religion is a huge force in society, and it is so infrequently involved in storytelling unless it is the point of the story.
-Russel Crowe. Woof. Guy can't sing for beans, or should I say...A LOAF OF BREAD.
-One of my favorite parts of the musical is the three-part harmony between Eponine, Fantine, and Valjean in the finale. Bummed they cut Eponine, but then in hindsight...why would she be welcoming Valjean to heaven? They didn't know each other. Oversight, lyricist.
-Loved Enjrolas dying in classic stage pose. A lil something for the old school fans.
-"One Day More": did not dig it! This is when I really missed the theatre. Seeing each person on their own journey feet from each other onstage is so much more exhilarating than cuts.
-New Number? Why? Why why why? So dumb. Did not y'all get the memo this musical is long and right on the cusp of boring? I mean, if it had been a song to highlight some character who wasn't originally--NO, another solo for Hugh. Pass.
-Many times words would be switched around in a lyric for no apparent reason. IE Jackman singing "I am the mayor of this town. I run a business of repute" instead of the other way around. This obviously tripped my mental record player and I wondered if these were line flubs or re-written for some minute reason.
-Loved loved loved the finale of "Do You Hear the People Sing?" Beautiful, epic, comforting, chilling.
-Also loved how film began on a ship chain gang in dirt and darkness and ended on that gorgeous golden ship. Pretty inspirational. Victor Hugo started the original "It Gets Better" movement.
-Speaking of the novelist, the main thing I kept realizing during the film is that the story in itself is...not that good. I'm sure the book is much more satisfying in terms of development, but most of the story is rather shallow. The young love triangle is vapid. We get introduced to characters just in time to watch them die. We don't really get a sense of what the barricade is seeking to accomplish. (Although I did appreciate Gavroche's new verses in "Look Down" that at least set up the monarchy in France). In the words of Henne as we discussed it yesterday, "Like, get an editor, Hugo."

B

Look down, Javert, he's standing in his grave.

Thoughts on Les Mis (Part I)

First of all, I have an extremely deep connection to Les Mis. "Yeah, yeah, we all do," you think. "I sang 'On My Own' in the shower on the reg." Look, it's cute you think you have a serious bond with Les Mis, but what we have IS THE REAL DEAL, so do not even.

-I knew most of the music since early childhood, thanks to a cassette soundtrack in my mom's car. My favorite song was "Master of the House," which I would sing at the playground when I was on top of the jungle gym.

-At age nine I went to an open audition for young Cosette, which I failed horribly, missing my entrance cue and having to ask to start over. Shame forever. Needless to say, I spent the next three months replaying standing in front of the casting directors and nailing "Castle on a Cloud" until my best friend Fran offered me, "If you had gotten the part, your sticker collection probably wouldn't be as good because you would be on tour." For some reason this comforted me.

-I decided to make up my disastrous audition by performing Cosette's ballad at the 4th grade talent show. But when they called my name, I got so nervous I bolted out of the gym. The principal had to come get me hiding in the bathroom. BUT I DANG FINALLY SANG THE SONG, and peeps loved it (or at least they said so to prevent me from running into oncoming traffic idk).

-I saw that touring production I wasn't in, and my creepy obsession grew tremendously. You have no idea how many nights between 1998-2002 I biked alone to fields to sing concerts of all Eponine's music. No big, just crooning in the middle of an abandoned baseball diamond pretending I was bleeding to death in my true love's arms. MIDDLE SCHOOL, AMIRIGHT?

-My freshman year in high school, I was excited to be part of the musical, but when I found out the show would be Les Mis?! I flipped a lid. I knew I was too much of a pipsqueak to get one of the real coveted roles, so I set my sights on Gavroche. This time when I auditioned, I at least glossed over the mistake I made (saying "Inspector Valjer" instead of "Javert" during "Little People") and whatever YOLO I got the part!!!!! Thank the Lord I was flat-chested and my voice is that of a little boy's!

-You guys, I am pretty sure if you would have cut me during that fall, I would have bled sheet music. I literally ate, slept, and breathed Les Mis. Had lunch with my musical girlfriends, dinner with the cast on our breaks, in school constantly sang through my part (which wasn't very hard, so, pretty unnecessary). ULRA CREEP STATUS: I listened the soundtrack every night before bed. Yeah, all three hours or whatever of it. At 9 PM I'd be like, "cool, time to rage with Val Jean." I am sure could never forget the lyrics to any song if I tried really really hard and got Alzheimer's.

-I started dating my first boyfriend during the show. He was nice and cute, but more importantly, HE WAS PART OF THE BEST THING THAT WOULD EVER HAPPEN TO ME AND I NEEDED TO HANG ONTO THAT. He was a junior, but I guess not that cool since he kept dating me despite the fact I never wanted to kiss but always wanted to, like, reminisce about the choreography of the high school musical that had closed weeks ago. It genuinely did take me months to get over the end of that show, and when I did, I ditched the guy. You don't have to be Freud to realize that I literally tried to have a committed relationship with a musical in lieu of a human. Okay, to give myself some credit, the guy also loved Korn and was in show choir. I mean, not a match made in heaven.

And then something happened. I went on to see three more productions of Les Mis over the years. Each time I left slightly more disconnected than I had the time before. When it toured this year, I didn't go. I was even offered a free ticket, and I declined. Did I overdo it?

No. I still love Les Mis with all my red the blood of angry men heart. In fact, I've had "One Day More" on repeat as I've written this post. It's just that this is a personal love. A nostalgic collection of music and lyrics. To see a group of strangers performing it as I sit in an even bigger group of strangers watching doesn't feel right. This show moves me. I know so many people who hate musicals on principle, and it is scores like this that prevent me from understanding that viewpoint of taste.

In short: I am a certifiable looney tune. So get amped for my thoughts on the movie. Coming tomorrow.

CLEAN!

CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN!

January 3rd & Regret

Packed two movies for myself over break. Didn't get the luxury of watching one on the plane to St. Louis because I was still finishing my final papers. Not the plan, but, of course, what happened. As I pulled my suitcase handle up in PHX and wheeled toward my gate with sad, baggy eyes, I thought, "The last thing I need is to be flying back to the desert, crammed into my Southwest seat, editing a play and viciously plunking away at a conference application. I promise to finish my work before Thursday January 3rd."

Well, guess what I'll be doing tomorrow on the airplane?

WHEN WILL I LEARN?

Mia's NYE bow.

Keep the earth below my feet.
For all my sweat, my blood runs weak.
Let me learn from where I have been.
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn.

No Matter What, There Are Things to Be Grateful For

Honey mustard from Baker's Square
The vibration of a text message
Finding affordable journals at Michael's
How my iPod from 2007 is in perfect working condition
Henne's big mouth, open in a mini-scream
Fishtail braiding
David Sedaris
My nice dental hygienist
Free toothbrushes
Sister Wives
Afternoon trots downtown
Guiltless naps
Honesty and sincerity
Pockets of friends
Hot pockets of friends
That last one wasn't a real gratitude
But, hot pockets are usually worth mentioning
GPS for us directional idiots
Purple toenails
Perspective from space and time
Being tired at appropriate times
You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me
Summer camp always with us
Making Lists

Henne at the Square

Gwoss Widdle Awice

Cool thing about hanging out with my dad is that I can be disgusting, and I don't even think about it. Like how I just drank this Mexican hot chocolate, kept putting the marshmallows in my mouth, sucking them of their juices, and spitting them back in the mug to re-soak and repeat. I am privileged to have a surprising number of friends who'd accept that kind of behavior, but only after a few (well-deserved) judgey eyebrows. My dad just kind of looks at me and carries on finding the Mary Tyler Moore show on cable--which has held up surprisingly well by the way. Throwin' my hat up to 2013!

Happy New Year.

How will you make it on your own? 
This world is awfully big, girl. This time you're all alone.
But it's time you started living--
it's time you let someone else do some giving.
Love is all around, no need to waste it.
You can have a town. Why don't you take it?
You're gonna make it after all.
You're gonna make it after all.