Eating Better

I lost four pounds in January and February. I simply told myself, "Maybe just one dessert a day." I didn't even always follow that rule, but it helped me not eat, like, a tray of cookies for dinner. So, four pounds.

Since quarantine began I've lost another ten pounds. There's not really a reason? I'm not going to coffee shops every day sitting down with croissants, but I am in my own kitchen cooking up some veggie bacon and plating a couple Rice Krispie Treats or scones or even, this week, leftover tea snacks. I walk every day, but I did before. Maybe what people say about stress linked to your body is accurate and not driving around LA for meetings, squishing my calendar full of networking events, etc. has calmed my system.

There's also something to having money. I was looking at notes from grad school the other day. I found some jottings I'd taken during a panel a Shakespeare. I remember arriving in my fat backpack, my brain exploding out of my own skull because I saw a full spread of appetizers. I quickly parked it at a corner and started wolfing down cheese cubes faster than I could chew them. I wrapped up two black and white cookies in napkins and slipped them in my pocket. Someone brought me a box of donuts and I ate eight in one sitting. Kale worked at Starbucks and would sneak a bag of pastries out to us at comedy rehearsal instead of trashing them (as is company policy).  I'd eat muffins on muffins and pound cake slices and brownies because I never afforded myself the fancy (oof) treats at Starbucks. It felt so important to seize the danish.

My birthday was last week and I had many treats sent to me. I didn't eat a lot of them. I couldn't, and I didn't want to. There's half a cake in the fridge. I almost had some from breakfast today, but then I had a sandwich because that's what I was actually hungry for. Eight years ago, maybe even two years ago, I would have eaten through that whole feast in 48 hours. I feel so much more settled now that I have just a little more financial stability. Honestly, I still don't have a lot! But enough to not fill with panic about eating two slices of free quiche at a community brunch. When you're not scared of having nothing, you have the ability to take what you need.