saw your face in mine, in a picture by our bedside

songs of this past rotation, last year's list

HOT TO GO -- Chappell Roan

so many places I got to dance! festivals and cemetery movies and in the car and in the mall and at the gay sports bar and with friends and enemies

Espresso -- Sabrina Carpenter

THE song of the summer, I feel like it was always playing when I walked into the comedy theatre, and I loved that

I Had Some Help -- Post Malone & Morgan Wallen

my little morning dance work-outs

Taste -- Sabrina Carpenter

pool afternoons

Constant Headache -- Joyce Manor

stomping around the neighborhood, then screaming it at the Greek

Girl, So Confusing -- Charli XCX & Lorde

one of the most inspiring pieces of art of the past decade!

Apple -- Charli XCX

just great vibes tbh

Michigan, 1975 -- The Gaslight Anthem

the older sound of my grad school band, I'm older also

Final Girl -- CHVRCHES

maj inspo for my movie with AB! often blasted it (or "The Man" driving over to her place)

Ivy -- Taylor Swift

I listen to this song every single time I work on my newest play, sometimes a hundred times in a row

10 Drunk Cigarettes -- Girly Girl Productions

not taking myself seriously, or trying anyway

Dial Drunk -- Noah Kahan & Post Malone

alone in a cottage, at night

Good Girls -- CHVRCHES

angry

Ego -- Halsey

watched the VMAs performance a few times, I think about it often

Don't Take the Money -- Jack Antonoff

shaking serious booty with J, second row, Jack jamming right to us as we jumped

When the Sun Explodes -- Very Nice Person

relaxed, zonked, in the back row then the front row of a movie theatre in Washington

State of Grace -- Taylor Swift

driving before dawn, cinnamon roll in my lap, leaves falling, on our way to hike

Got My Mind Set On You -- George Harrison

for some reason spoke to me, on the radio, after eating a burrito at a folding table

Please Please Please -- Sabrina Carpenter

HEARD A DUET OF THIS WITH TAYLOR SWIFT LIVE IN NEW ORLEANS WITH TWO OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS I'M WORKING LATE COS I'M A SINGER

Fall -- Something Corporate

my goodness, my band still rocks, I got to sit alone at a tabletop, what heaven

Labour -- Paris Paloma

the election

The Manuscript -- Taylor Swift

all my cork boards of analysis

Hits Different & Welcome to New York -- Taylor Swift

the most blessed mash-up that's ever been mashed! truly hit...different

Colorwheel -- Liz Huett & Pretty Bird

under the tree and dreaming!

Yoko -- Maisie Peters

thinking

Hard to Love -- Lee Brice

enough said

She -- Greenday

something about this, not sure what

Nostalgia -- Suki Waterhouse

while escaping fire

Tubthumping -- Chumbawumba

screaming in A___'s living room, we all know what's happening, what could happen

The Giver -- Chappell Roan

skipping in the cold fields beyond the hospice center

How Bad Do U Want Me -- Lady Gaga

strutting like I'm in a music video when I am, in fact, walking to the grocery store

Eh, Eh -- Lady Gaga

dancing at the club with Grief, cherry cherry boom boom

Vanish Into You -- Lady Gaga

a deep meditation on who or what we all ever are, plus her Coachella videos!

Bodyguard -- Beyonce

loving on my bb hamster and also Queen B at the same time

Sweet Honey Buckiin -- Beyonce

look at that horse, on the very first night of her tour!

Sue Me -- Audrey Hobert

classic TikTok trend melted into my subconcious

Is She Really Going Out With Him? -- Joe Jackson

well, is she?

jasmine in bloom

I Act Like It's My Birthday, Everyday

Another year around the sun, another bunch of songs that propelled the turn! It's mostly Taylor Swift and I don't want to hear about it! She released four albums this year!

Hits Different by Taylor Swift -- marching around the picket line

Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince by Taylor Swift -- jamming on the way to the studio

You're Losing Me by Taylor Swift -- listening, obsessively, on repeat at the coffee shop as I journal

Happier Than Ever covered by Kelly Clarkson -- walking into open gym

Cruel Summer Live by Taylor Swift -- hitting the nostalgic rush

22 by Taylor Swift -- a highlight of Eras, and watching Eras TikToks

Our Song by Taylor Swift -- an ultimate manifestation

Exile by Taylor Swift -- incredible live!

Weeds by Beach Bunny -- the hottest concert ever

all-american bitch by Olivia Rodrigo -- shower singing (screaming)

Entropy by Beach Bunny -- the first play workshop!

The Archer by Taylor Swift -- believing in my play

Bitch by Meredith Brooks -- pre-show, waking across the stage, telling the sm it's go time

mad woman by Taylor Swift -- dealing with work drama!

Bed Case by Tancred -- time travel to a different Alice

Halloween by Novo Amor -- fall, even in California, arrives

King of My Heart by Taylor Swift -- fall has nighttimes too

Say Don't Go -- trotting around Japan!

making the bed by Olivia Rodrigo -- hm thoughts, hm questions

Supermoon by Charly Bliss -- pining for another Alice

Christmas Dream by Perry Como -- Christmas in the midwest

New Years Day by Taylor Swift -- hopeful new chapter

Anti-Hero by Taylor Swift -- did a Youtube dance workout one million times to this song

brutal by Olivia Rodrigo -- jumping in concert with my sister!

mirrorball by Taylor Swift -- inspo for the novella

Pink Pony Club by Chappell Roan -- ending the grey spring, emerging into summer

I Can Do It With a Broken Heart by Taylor Swift -- nighttime neighborhood stomps!

But Daddy I Love Him by Taylor Swift -- number one bridge to yell in the car

The Black Dog by Taylor Swift -- on the balcony, thinking

Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid -- Friday night karaoke in Silverlake

ihih

 I hate it here so I will go to

secret gardens in my mind

People need a key to get to

the only one is mine

I read about it in a book when I was a precocious child

No mid-sized city hopes and small town fears

I'm there most of the year

Cause I hate it here

I hate it here

Buzzing About Tuesday

So many surprises Tuesday. Rushed out to Starbucks in the morning, for example, and ran into this girl M______. We did an improv show together almost exactly a year ago and followed each other on Instagram. She's always doing such artsy things, like indie shoots in Panama. We congratulated each other on our years and then she whispered low, "I am so sick of my survival job though." She still has to nanny. Despite being an esteemed writer. I recently found out Alexander Payne sold a script after grad school (unproduced, I think) for 60K and lived on that for four years. No disrespect to Alexander. I do enjoy his work.

I had a Zoom with Toy Conglomerate to kick of my 17th series. My survival job--but I do enjoy the work.

This musician I collaborate with texted me. The video we wrote for A___ M____ needs some exterior shots--am I available? We live in the same neighborhood, so I threw on jean shorts, braided my hair, and dashed out. I zipped by a Chicago improviser at a cafe on the way. "What's up!" I shouted before filming this guy scream emo lyrics on a residential street as I walked backwards--a very poor man's tracking shot. A professional, as soon as we got five takes, he was gone. Delivered the finals by 4 PM.

C____ came over to pick up our vacuum--Puhg doesn't need it anymore. I emerged from my work cave to gossip, then back in, then back out to meet a stranger buying our lamp outside. She handed me a ten and mumbled something about her roommate liking black and white, left in a flurry.

I was fully prepared to record with AP and MR the next day, so I made a pan of toffee. Taylor Swift's movie dropped. I downloaded it at 11, watched THE extended song. The moment she pointed at me in the crowd was in the cut! Forever immortalized!

golden age of something good and right and real

Woke up in a grouchy mood about something that happened yesterday. Someone needling me, my inability to stonewall. I'll stonewall more in 2024, I think, I journal.

Did a 1989 dance workout in the living room, showered with my purple shampoo and a rusty razor, listening to "State of Grace." Had my little veggie bacon, decided on purple yoga pants and my pink sweatshirt, walked to Starbucks. My favorite barista quit and the new one has to ask a couple questions about my order. I sit outside in an egg chair with my holiday drink and text Puhg I need to let it go.

I don't want to be a grouch. I will live fewer than 30-thousand days. Lately I've also been considering how when I let people get to me they absorb so much of my focus and energy. What if people who try to stir me are lonely and need to be important for a brief moment. When I ruminate on it all, I'm only giving them more and more significance in my life. I rip it away.

Focused, I get going on my pitch revisions. I become a machine for an hour, fingers flying on the keys as all my ideas finally exit in a straight line of text. I haven't been able to crack this one for a month. At 10:15 I pack up and rush home to Zoom with AP & co about the newest pod edits. I can tell everyone is tired, but the episodes are in great shape, I think.

At 1 I make my faux chicken broccoli bowl. I know I have to go back to the pitch, but it intimidates me. I watch part of a bootleg video of the Red Tour. I have come to have such high standards of Taylor Swift. She's absolutely magnetic at that concert from 2012, but her dancing is stunted and awkward, she slides up and down notes. It's as though she's been ruthlessly improving for ten years.

Ideally I hope to end my writing at 4 so I can take a walk before my Zoom with S___. But no, I get caught on a few details and finish right at 4:55, attach the doc to my exec before I can second guess. I catch up with my old friend--we're trying to do a call every two months. It's so nice to get a glimpse into her life. At 7 I toss on slacks and my pink collared shirt, run over to Little Doms to meet Lo. We gab for two hours. We don't finish the appetizer bread, so I pick up the loaf and carry it home. Puhg drives her home, and only after she exits the car do I realize I had a note in my phone of topics I forgot address.

I sit on the balcony listening to Folklore, and then I decide to dance to a couple songs since I never did get that walk in. I've realized this year I need to do cardio twice a day to not feel nuts. Around 10:50 I have the leftover bread with goat cheese and a honey crisp apple while Puhg and I watch an episode of Survivor Cambodia. Sweet Potato wakes up and zips all over tarnation.

Her Little Diane Keaton Hat

 There was an 80something woman behind me at this coffee shop. She was drinking an orange juice and wearing a pale blue button-up, circular glasses, and a Diane Keaton hat. I adored the whole image. I love seeing women enjoying themselves alone. "I won't bother her, but when she gets up to leave, I will pay her a compliment," I thought. I started into my B_rbie revisions and got tunnel vision, like I so often do. Just popped my head up for air, and the woman is gone. I'm sending her the message telepathically. I wish I hasn't missed my chance.

Last month I was here writing, morning after the Taylor Swift concert. I was wearing my t-shirt, a proud ambassador for the greatest cultural event of my lifetime. A man, 70s, approached me asking if I went to the concert. I said I did, and he decided to spend several minutes telling me she bought a house in his area on the east coast. Of course I know this. I would wager there's not a single thing that man could say about Taylor Swift I didn't already know. And I felt myself getting angry. Why did he assume he could teach me when I was the one in the literal t-shirt of our subject? He made a jab at her dating history, and I had to ask myself if it was worth spending five more minutes of my life educating a stranger who did not respect me. (Decided, no.) He then wanted to talk about Lizzo's assault allegations, which also bothered me. I said the situation seemed very complicated. He scoffed that she is an abuser. And maybe she is. But my generation is far more comfortable with complexity, and sometimes that's wrongfully considered as ignorance. In actuality, I care so so much. So much more than that man. I care so deeply that these issues rattle me to my core. I spend lots of time sussing through the difficult webs, questioning the narratives and where they're from and who would want them projected and when and why.

I try to see it differently in hindsight. At least that man knows who Lizzo is. Maybe that's what it was all about. Him presenting to me, "I know your world too!"

Last night I had a brand new experience. I went to a friend's comedy show expecting it to be a semi-sparse attendance of pals. But when Puhg and I got to the lobby, we found ourselves in a huge crowd of buzzing 20somethings. Fans, it turns out, of my contemporaries. I was happy to see it and also have never felt more ancient. I'm jealous of how the world treats Gen Z. I felt so hated for my entire post-college decade. The butt of endless jokes and poor and desperately smiling through it all. Don't complain or you'll be made fun of, you'll seem like "bad energy," you may even be let go--you are expendable beyond your wildest dreams. I still feel that way. Millennials are losers with too much debt and too few houses. Be careful!

Maybe I Enjoy the Chase

Dizz reminded me I never made my classic "Most Influential Songs of the Year" birthday post. Better late than never. My memory is rusty, but here were my top fourteen hits for posterity.

Young Dumb & Broke - Imagine Dragons
Use Me - Goo Goo Dolls
Confident - Demi Lovato
Me and My Friends - James Vincent McMorrow
Waving Through a Window - Dear Evan Hansen
Shallow - A Star Is Born
Teenage Rockstars - Andrew McMahon
I'd Rather Be Me - Mean Girls
Mean - Taylor Swift
How to Save a Life - The Fray
Written in the Sand - Old Dominion
Ruin My Life - Zara Larsson
I Will Always Love You - Dolly Parton
Space Cowboy - Kacey Musgraves

Some of these helped me live as a ghost in Chicago, some of these helped me feel home in LA. Most of these were crucial to my car singing. They all hold a special lil spot in my heart.

Little Feeling of Freedom

Hunny texted me to ask if I had seen the video Taylor Swift put on her Insta tonight. Apparently she was hosting her best friend's birthday, so she hired a member of Dashboard Confessional to sing an old favorite song of theirs live. The song is "Hands Down"--an old fave of me an Hunny's also. Aw, it's like, their friendship is the same as our friendship. Except for a few million dollars. I went to the Instagram account and immediately remembered why I wasn't following it. Taylor Swift's life in pictures makes me hate mine.

In reality, I'm doing pretty well, and I am generally happy. I wouldn't ask for much to be different right now. I think I'm where I need to be. But...maybe I could have a mansion and hire rock stars for fun and also have very cute blond hair. I KNOW for a FACT, it's not as easy or exciting as it seems in pictures. I KNOW, but it's so hard to believe when all the squares are just so.

Why do I follow any celebrities on Instagram? I guess I figured I liked them so I would like seeing them? But, um, hold on, can we talk about how destructive that is. Waiting for the bus, casually scroll through people way richer and skinnier and "loved" than you. And then go on with your life. It seems like a highly unhealthy way to pass time throughout the day.

I have stopped following all the celebs I did on Instagram. I wondered, "But I want to keep up." With WHAT? I'm going to see the TV Show/movie/hear the record etc. I don't need to see the boats and the trip to Europe and the new headshot with fifty thousand comments. There are other things that are more important! Look at those.

Tramps Like Us

24 tunes for the year I was 24 (in chronological order):

1. Call Me Maybe--Carly Rae Jepson
so many summer runs
2. Starships--Nicki Minaj
singing with/at the kids at camp
3. I Won't Give Up--Peter Hollens coverin' Mraz
Chicago afternoons
4. Comfort and Joy--Bat Boy
numba one biking tune
5. Born to Run--Bruce Springsteen
writing and directing pump-up/read Battle Royale this year
6. Dancing on My Own--Robyn
so much belting on my scooter, dancing in my bedroom
7. Internet Friends--Knife Party
lots of scary stories/houses this fall
8. Payphone--Maroon 5
so much ironic singing with Dizz during Trel's wedding weekend
9. God Bless the USA--Lee Greenwood
curtain call of the play I was in
10. Sweetie--Carly Rae Jepson
feely-goodest jam of 2012
11. We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together--Taylor Swift
singing on Thanksgiving with my sistah, on Disney roadtrip with Hill
12. Perfect Day--Hoku
24 was a year of (mostly) just being HAPPY
13. Never Quite Free--Mountain Goats
John D in concert, this ditty is so inspiring
14. Red--Taylor Swift
listened to this in LA morning of improv Regionals
15. Holland Road--Mumford and Sons
rough winter, but emerged with hope
16. BedRock--Young Money
I dunno why I got into this again!?
17. (What A) Wonderful World--Sam Cooke
ah yes, forever stuck in my head after watching Witness EVERY SEMESTER
18. Starlight--Muse
Hearts.
19. Barbara Ann--The Beach Boys
the sing-a-long of choice for my improv team
20. Come Back When You Can--Barcelona
so much gratitude for the best people in my life
21. Hang with Me--Robyn
Coke Rats Number One Hit! (and only)
22. Totally F*cked--Spring Awakening
anthem for finals obvi
23. Call Your Girlfriend--Robyn
screamed this during Muffy's entire vizz
24. Synesthesia--Andrew McMahon
I mean, new Andy, you know?

Last Year's List: 23

And you tell her that the only way her heart will mend
is when she learns to love again.

Michelle Obama's Cardigan

Fully admit I love the Obamas
in a sort of idealized way. This might make me
a bit naive, but I don't care.
Last night on Girls Jessa said both sides are
dirtbags. Which is true
and not true. But if you can love a politician--
not blindly, but by way of reading
love letters his college flames published
(in which he asks What Am I Meant to Be?)--
then, what the heck, I say,
just love him.

At the gym T Swift blared in my ears
while I ran toward CNN.
Barack and Michelle walking that mall.
Closed Captioning told me the first lady
wore the same navy cardigan yesterday.
How is this news? But. Fine. I think:
Good for you, ma'am. Real people wear
the same sweater twice.
And I bopped my head side to side,
pressed the buttons faster faster faster,
the song about Jake Gyllenhaal and Never Ever Ever,
while the president swore
"I'm still here."

No Matter What, There Are Things to Be Grateful For

Honey mustard from Baker's Square
The vibration of a text message
Finding affordable journals at Michael's
How my iPod from 2007 is in perfect working condition
Henne's big mouth, open in a mini-scream
Fishtail braiding
David Sedaris
My nice dental hygienist
Free toothbrushes
Sister Wives
Afternoon trots downtown
Guiltless naps
Honesty and sincerity
Pockets of friends
Hot pockets of friends
That last one wasn't a real gratitude
But, hot pockets are usually worth mentioning
GPS for us directional idiots
Purple toenails
Perspective from space and time
Being tired at appropriate times
You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me
Summer camp always with us
Making Lists

Henne at the Square

Pookie Caught a 6 AM Flight, and I'm Just Up Missin' My Sis

Six hours ago.

She thought it was a kiss. Nope. A lick.

Pride. Disgust.

Revenge.

Disgust. Comeuppance. 

Blobbin'. 

Ruv.

But I think it's best if we both stay, stay, stay, stay.