a birthday

Henne just called to yap about summer and wish me a belated birthday. He apologized for missing it, but I actually didn't notice. "Birthday" felt more like a vague energy this year.

At 11:59 on May 18th I was at my aunt's rental. I'd driven over after a very long work day of explosive emails and callback zooms. We'd sat down and chatted and suddenly I realized the sun was almost gone and I never had dinner. I googled a liquor store around the corner, so we walked, quite casually, to the boardwalk. I selected two bags of salt & vinegar chips and a chocolate chipwich. The pink sky was starting to fade into navy ocean.

We spent hours laughing on the twinkle-lit patio, also appreciating a bizarre concert. A handful of 20somethings were doing karaoke a couple buildings over. "Shake It Off" made it to us, tamborine included, for example. I timed things so I was eating the ice cream novelty at midnight.

I woke up at 6 and couldn't remember if I had to move my car by 7 or 8. I decided to move it right away, in case. Got a primo dawn spot and a latte and an almond croissant and journaled and read Jung facing the water. Hugged my aunt and zoomed back across the city blasting Taylor Swift as is my right.

Puhg greeted me with a huge hug and a wonderful display! A vase of orange flowers, a sweet card, a jug of nice soap, and a box of aloe cleaner my mom sent. Necessary work plunking, a dance workout, a heavenly shower. Puhg offered to take me wherever whenever for lunch so I chose my favorite falafel shop by the movie theatre. I brought my own can of cherry Coke and we sat outside in the shade. Puhg asked me some questions about the year, like what I learned and what was hard and what was fun.

In the late afternoon I answered texts and did a some volunteering for the mayoral race and sat outside writing notes for a teeny speech. Around 6 I put on my new pink two-piece set and a little blush and headed on down to what has become my annual girls' fete.

Nine of my best gals all descended on the ivied corner table. Half of them got fries to share. I myself had gotten chips and dip to share. It was just so incredibly festive. Some gals munched cakes and others slurped martinis. Lo told me this is the only party she attends where she doesn't worry about who will be there. It's adorable that some of these people have become friends over the years! I love to get quiet and eavesdrop on all their chattering, but then I have to remember to chatter too.

After an hour I clink my glass to give a speech. It's two-parts and about ten minutes. First I talk about how this year was my year of Being Nuts. I give five examples of things I really wanted to do, knew I should do, but felt afraid to do. Yet I did them all. Usually with the help or support of someone right there! Then, related, I give everyone two compliments. Like how MS cheered me up in January and told me I was right, to ask about being cheered up. Or how KM lent me a swimsuit and dried my angry tears. Or how SW keeps me sane and so does ER in a different way. How I can count on SR to bop around the neighborhood and JC to host reality TV nights. Tira I can text, "They're annoying me." And she'll say, "I hate them," without knowing who "they" even is. We all cheersed and they sang happy birthday while we were shuffling the hundreds of fries around to-go boxes.

About half the cabal stayed an extra hour. I can barely remember what we all couldn't shut up about. At 9:30 it was time to call it. Everyone says I am a great gatherer. Well, if everyone says so! My Arizona playwright friend and Chicago improv friend, who have never hung out, drove east together. I had my strawberry cheesecake on the couch with Puhg, before falling asleep on his chest.

it's like I got this music in my mind

May 19, 2025

 Up in the 6s, Midnights workout, off to the cafe—Puhg was already there, a bouquet at my seat! I ordered a new orleans with cold foam. The barista told me they were out, but then he beckoned to me, down by the espresso machine. He handed me my drink and a tiny paper cup of foam, a secret reserve from the mini fridge. “Just can’t be public about it,” he said. What a special birthday treat! I decided to spend the morning journaling, writing in this blog, tweaking an essay, eating a chocolate croissant, blueskying a short story in a brand new notebook.

Got very nice texts from my closest summer camp friends, my family, a few other randos, my neighborhood chat sweetly popped off. Called the patio to confirm, we could reserve the gazebo for 6:30. Called the restaurant to confirm, a table for 18 at 9 PM. Got a heavenly mani pedi from 12:15 - 1. Dropped by the bank to pick up an envelope of single bills. Decided to focus and plow through revisions on me and AB’s script. I send her the new draft to go out to her entire team (!) seems like a good sign it’s dated, right on the cover page, May 19, 2025.

Laid out my outfit for the evening. I often pick my birthday clothes several days in advance. For all my high school birthdays I wore the same polka dot skirt and a pink t-shirt. In college I wore the same blue sundress over and over. In my 20s I’m sure I ended up in sweat shorts every time. Hollywood Alice has leaned into boots and bright rompers? This year I decided to go with my most comfortable but “nice” choice—a black sleeveless dress and pink button-up. I’m trying not to buy new things just because an occasion is happening. In 2025 I’ve only bought four items of clothing: a pack of socks, a pack of underwear, a Beyonce concert tee, and a Beach Bunny tank top.

Around 3:45 headed down to the grassy knoll. Hugged my special tree, laid down on the ground listening to Liz Huett, I think. I finished Women Who Run with the Wolves. Another good omen I bet. Hustled home for a Zoom with my activist group at 5. Turned the camera off so I could listen but also untangle my necklace.

Puhg walked me down to the patio, giving me a big hug and his credit card before we parted ways. Saw ER first! I ordered a slice of the birthday cake, of course! SM arrived like an imp, SW was in a vest holding a party bag. No gifts! I chided. She interrupted, “But my whole thing is not listening!” Fair enough, she got me a diva cup. JG pulled up a seat with a mule, JW came in hot from the office, BM ambled on in with a huge salad, KM announced she was there though she almost died by childbirth last month, GKD showed up a little frazzled but cozy, and finally LD sat her rump down with a huge cocktail and a fat slice of Oreo cheesecake. I had everyone go around the table and say what they did that day. A favorite past time of mine, as all my friends have such unique lives. Something I like about myself is I don’t really feel jealousy about friendships. In a perfect world, all my friends would be friends. JG texted me the next morning even, “You continue to have the best mix of friends.”

It was cheesy, but at 7:30 I pulled out a bunch of notecards. On one side, a friend’s name in pink Sharpie, on the other, three bullet points of why I’ve loved them this year. I went around, clockwise, briefly sharing my gratitude. I didn’t plan for this to happen, but of course everyone responded with a nice comment in return. SJ showed up 80 minutes late, but strangely, right when I got to her card. “I didn’t hear anyone else’s!” she yelled.

Cliff notes: I encourage people to go for it, I encourage people to believe in themselves, people like to talk with me, sometimes people feel conflicted about something so they reach out to me (surely Alice has thought about this and has an opinion), I create reasons to celebrate and brag, “there was a cosmic shift in my life when we met,” a couple people commented on how well I bring a group together (case in point!), I write because I love to write, I hustle, strong moral backbone, strong moral backbone, “I asked myself what Alice would do,” the last gal shared: “the strongest moral compass of anyone I know.”

KM followed up, “I trust Alice. When Alice says the world is ending, I believe her.” Everyone kind of nodded. Almost no one in the group is independently friends, but this they share—the burden of knowing me, a realistic and honest person. But then JW piped up, “I disagree!” JW said it bluntly, so the group contracted. But then she added, “I think Alice is pretty clear we can SAVE the world.” Then everyone relaxed, nodded more. It was 8:30 already so we had to get moving.

I hugged people as some peeled off to their cars, as SJ waited at the valet. It felt so silly, meandering in a pack down V—-. When we got to the karaoke spot, SK was seated at the huge table alone, soon he was singing Chappell Roan. CG came in rocking a pink hat, she was at the mic first. What a team player! I went second, “The Archer” of course. People got beers and soup and tofu and BS sang Gaga and brought an exec friend who is a huge Swiftie. He respectfully asked my permission to sing “Wildest Dreams” as they ate giant plates of noodles. CN killed Abba, girls who weren’t friends destroyed “Suddenly Seymour,” CS got the whole place going with “Bad Blood.” JC did “Love Story” justice. SJR came for exactly 23 minutes, one of my closest friends who clearly misjudged her time and was freaked out about a deadline. TM and G seemed a little bummed we weren’t getting much quality time (because I was dancing and screeching, can’t believe other people were just in the restaurant having dinner?). Puhg reminded me my birthday is about me having fun, not promising others they will have fun. I very much enjoyed ripping through the bridge of “But Daddy I Love Him.” DR left in a huff because the DJ kept bringing up her family to sing Thai tunes while his Celine Dion request wilted. Ten minutes later he ran back in, “I’m next” he said. No idea how he knew, but he got up, belted how it was all coming back to him, then jetted. The highlight of the night was hands down Puhg surprising me with Vanessa Carlton! The place went wild as he pointed to me and I clutched my little heart.

Around 11 everyone was clearing out. I did an “All Too Well” before walking home with our neighbors. A lovely evening. Even though they’re moving soon. Puhg went right to sleep, but I had a lot of adrenaline to pump through. Brought out my journal—ended up sort of just sitting, then taking a hot shower. I got the mail on Tuesday to find cards from my mom, sister, and dad. It's a new era, I hope.

saw your face in mine, in a picture by our bedside

songs of this past rotation, last year's list

HOT TO GO -- Chappell Roan

so many places I got to dance! festivals and cemetery movies and in the car and in the mall and at the gay sports bar and with friends and enemies

Espresso -- Sabrina Carpenter

THE song of the summer, I feel like it was always playing when I walked into the comedy theatre, and I loved that

I Had Some Help -- Post Malone & Morgan Wallen

my little morning dance work-outs

Taste -- Sabrina Carpenter

pool afternoons

Constant Headache -- Joyce Manor

stomping around the neighborhood, then screaming it at the Greek

Girl, So Confusing -- Charli XCX & Lorde

one of the most inspiring pieces of art of the past decade!

Apple -- Charli XCX

just great vibes tbh

Michigan, 1975 -- The Gaslight Anthem

the older sound of my grad school band, I'm older also

Final Girl -- CHVRCHES

maj inspo for my movie with AB! often blasted it (or "The Man" driving over to her place)

Ivy -- Taylor Swift

I listen to this song every single time I work on my newest play, sometimes a hundred times in a row

10 Drunk Cigarettes -- Girly Girl Productions

not taking myself seriously, or trying anyway

Dial Drunk -- Noah Kahan & Post Malone

alone in a cottage, at night

Good Girls -- CHVRCHES

angry

Ego -- Halsey

watched the VMAs performance a few times, I think about it often

Don't Take the Money -- Jack Antonoff

shaking serious booty with J, second row, Jack jamming right to us as we jumped

When the Sun Explodes -- Very Nice Person

relaxed, zonked, in the back row then the front row of a movie theatre in Washington

State of Grace -- Taylor Swift

driving before dawn, cinnamon roll in my lap, leaves falling, on our way to hike

Got My Mind Set On You -- George Harrison

for some reason spoke to me, on the radio, after eating a burrito at a folding table

Please Please Please -- Sabrina Carpenter

HEARD A DUET OF THIS WITH TAYLOR SWIFT LIVE IN NEW ORLEANS WITH TWO OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS I'M WORKING LATE COS I'M A SINGER

Fall -- Something Corporate

my goodness, my band still rocks, I got to sit alone at a tabletop, what heaven

Labour -- Paris Paloma

the election

The Manuscript -- Taylor Swift

all my cork boards of analysis

Hits Different & Welcome to New York -- Taylor Swift

the most blessed mash-up that's ever been mashed! truly hit...different

Colorwheel -- Liz Huett & Pretty Bird

under the tree and dreaming!

Yoko -- Maisie Peters

thinking

Hard to Love -- Lee Brice

enough said

She -- Greenday

something about this, not sure what

Nostalgia -- Suki Waterhouse

while escaping fire

Tubthumping -- Chumbawumba

screaming in A___'s living room, we all know what's happening, what could happen

The Giver -- Chappell Roan

skipping in the cold fields beyond the hospice center

How Bad Do U Want Me -- Lady Gaga

strutting like I'm in a music video when I am, in fact, walking to the grocery store

Eh, Eh -- Lady Gaga

dancing at the club with Grief, cherry cherry boom boom

Vanish Into You -- Lady Gaga

a deep meditation on who or what we all ever are, plus her Coachella videos!

Bodyguard -- Beyonce

loving on my bb hamster and also Queen B at the same time

Sweet Honey Buckiin -- Beyonce

look at that horse, on the very first night of her tour!

Sue Me -- Audrey Hobert

classic TikTok trend melted into my subconcious

Is She Really Going Out With Him? -- Joe Jackson

well, is she?

jasmine in bloom

I Act Like It's My Birthday, Everyday

Another year around the sun, another bunch of songs that propelled the turn! It's mostly Taylor Swift and I don't want to hear about it! She released four albums this year!

Hits Different by Taylor Swift -- marching around the picket line

Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince by Taylor Swift -- jamming on the way to the studio

You're Losing Me by Taylor Swift -- listening, obsessively, on repeat at the coffee shop as I journal

Happier Than Ever covered by Kelly Clarkson -- walking into open gym

Cruel Summer Live by Taylor Swift -- hitting the nostalgic rush

22 by Taylor Swift -- a highlight of Eras, and watching Eras TikToks

Our Song by Taylor Swift -- an ultimate manifestation

Exile by Taylor Swift -- incredible live!

Weeds by Beach Bunny -- the hottest concert ever

all-american bitch by Olivia Rodrigo -- shower singing (screaming)

Entropy by Beach Bunny -- the first play workshop!

The Archer by Taylor Swift -- believing in my play

Bitch by Meredith Brooks -- pre-show, waking across the stage, telling the sm it's go time

mad woman by Taylor Swift -- dealing with work drama!

Bed Case by Tancred -- time travel to a different Alice

Halloween by Novo Amor -- fall, even in California, arrives

King of My Heart by Taylor Swift -- fall has nighttimes too

Say Don't Go -- trotting around Japan!

making the bed by Olivia Rodrigo -- hm thoughts, hm questions

Supermoon by Charly Bliss -- pining for another Alice

Christmas Dream by Perry Como -- Christmas in the midwest

New Years Day by Taylor Swift -- hopeful new chapter

Anti-Hero by Taylor Swift -- did a Youtube dance workout one million times to this song

brutal by Olivia Rodrigo -- jumping in concert with my sister!

mirrorball by Taylor Swift -- inspo for the novella

Pink Pony Club by Chappell Roan -- ending the grey spring, emerging into summer

I Can Do It With a Broken Heart by Taylor Swift -- nighttime neighborhood stomps!

But Daddy I Love Him by Taylor Swift -- number one bridge to yell in the car

The Black Dog by Taylor Swift -- on the balcony, thinking

Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid -- Friday night karaoke in Silverlake

Songs of 34 (chronological order)

Rock Star -- Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson / a real angry driving song + something completely original

Like A Prayer -- Miley Cyrus / pump up for pitching my sit-com

Minimum Wage -- Blake Shelton / post-shower jam of choice

Ms. California -- Beach Bunny / personal crisis fall

Doctor Jones -- Aqua / hot hot summer beats

Viva Las Vegas -- Elvis / inspired by Elvis phase

My Bar -- Priscilla Block / building confidence when no one is watching

Never Let You Go -- Third Eye Blind / loving the ham & letting the ham go

Sympathy -- The Goo Goo Dolls / out in the world on my own

Saints and Sailors -- Dashboard Confessional / an old sad song made new in fun

Look At Me - The Aquabats / fake it til you make it

Mastermind -- Taylor Swift / well absolute perfection

Rodeo -- Aaron Copeland / truly the most!

I'm Good -- David Guetta / working out

Less Happy More Free -- Ben Lapidus / vulnerability

The Sorcerer's Apprentice -- Stokowski / inspo for the newest play

Dammit -- Skatune Network / toiling on a project that was a total waste of time

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues -- Elton John / inspired by Elton phase

Your Wildest Dreams -- The Moody Blues / big emotions, small dances

Triple 7 -- Japanese Breakfast / Japan

Heaven Is A Place On Earth -- Belinda Carlisle / Japan

Forever & Always -- Taylor Swift / regression but okay

The Archer -- Taylor Swift / create your own

Wish On An Eyelash -- Mallrat / a late but great addition

I made a wish on an eyelash / made a wish on elevens / made a wish on my birthday.

Songs of 33 (Jesus Year)

 Free to Be Me -- Francesca Battistelli

an ironic TikTok song I started to take literally

Vineyard -- Jackopierce

nostalgic walks around the neighborhood

Spirits -- The Strumbellas

oozing into summer like

Freedom Was A Highway -- Jimmie Allen, Brad Paisley

pretending to be normal fall

Peach -- Future Islands

caving to abnormal fall

breadwinner -- Kasey Musgraves

midwestern melodies

See You at the Finish Line -- Barbie

a real cheerful banger from one of my episodes

Most Girls -- Hailee Steinfeld

Saturdays at the community gym trying to land that handspring

High Hopes -- Panic! At The Disco

anthem for learning to believe it could all happen

abcdefu -- GAYLE

screaming in the car, in the shower, in the closet organizing t-shirts

Hooked On A Feeling -- Blue Swede, Bjorn Skifs

lunges and runs, dancing and stretches

All Too Well (10 Minute Version) -- Taylor Swift

THE cultural touchstone of 2021, inescapable

I'll Never Let You Go -- Third Eye Blind

my song with Cap

30/90 -- Tick Tick BOOM

crying in the back row of the movies alone

Help Myself -- Dave Matthews Band

blasted over and over writing my Scream spec

just like magic -- Ariana Grande

bopping on the Starbucks patio with a Venti iced coffee and my goal notebook

Hammer -- Point North

the song that most got me, any day any time

Things Happen -- Dawes

reflective something as I try to get better

Just the Girl -- The Click Five

unearthed for a writing project

American Girl -- Bonnie McKee

what I envision as closing credits on the most outlandish thing I've ever worked on

Come Clean -- Hilary Duff

willing to rewrite history

That's What Girls Do -- No Secrets

fifteen drafts of my feature later

Dollhouse -- Priscilla Renea

sending aforementioned feature out

Man! I Feel Like A Woman! -- Shania Twain

prepping for and soaking in my birthday

it's about time that they go and take me serious

if you're not feelin' this, you're probably delirious

28 Songs of Last Year

 On my birthday I like to think about the songs that blasted me through the past 365. I wrote, cried, danced, ran, walked, drove, showered, dreamt to these songs. Thanks to them all.

All Too Well - Dan Campbell

Savage Love - Jason DeRulo

I Write Sins Not Tractors - Alex Melton

Mickey - B*Witched

Curtain Call - Ken Yates

3 Musketeers - ppcocaine

Mood - 24kGoldn

If That's Not Love - The Naked Brothers Band

Potential Breakup Song - Aly & AJ

I See the Sun - Tommy Henriksen

Leaving Town - Dexter Frisbee

Carmen - Suzie True

Stand Out - A Goofy Movie

Betty - Taylor Swift

Heaven - Brandi Carlile

Hold On - Wilson Philips

When You Wish Upon a Star - Pinocchio

I Love College - Asher Roth

Boss DJ - Sublime

Literally My Life - Hiko

From Now On - The Greatest Showman

Twinkle Song - Miley Cyrus

Always Remember Us This Way - Lady Gaga

Dreams - The Cranberries

Hope to Die - Orville Peck

Without You - The Kid Laroi

I'm in a Hurry - Alabama

Good 4 U - Olivia Rodrigo

Celebration Day

The day I turned another year older this year was a great one. I woke up early, no real reason, around 6 AM. The texts streamed in throughout the morning. I ran two miles listening to all my favorite songs. Usually too much of a good thing, but appropriately indulgent Tuesday. I try to do the dishes between sprints and shower. I considered not doing them. Because of the occasion. But then I decided I really didn't mind.

I took a morning bath with my Lush Unicorn Horn bomb. The water was pink and glittery, tons of bubbles. I lit a peony candle and closed my eyes for a while. I made an oat milk coffee and ate a four peanut butter pretzels, answered emailed diligently and poked at one of my writing outlines. Business as usual is much easier with period dings about how I am important for now.

Lo's bag of tea treats arrived, Puhg picked up a cake, donuts from Kale. We donned masks and picked up my favorite salad. I ate it and watched TV. I forget what now. I did my hair and even added a dash of makeup. I had bought a brand new pink dress. In March I bought super fancy front row seats to a play for this day and this outfit was designed to match. We drove a bit outside LA where Yosh & Coors & Lex & JD live. The four of them came out in masks, dropped a tub of rice krispie treats in the driveway, wiped down in front of us. We chatted from far away, unable to see any recognizable face. After twenty minutes back on the road.

At home I looked through my photos and decided what to post on my Instagram while watching a livestream of the cast of WC. AP mentioned me and how I saved her from a snake two years ago. I posted a photo of me wearing a mask near my apartment's closed pool. More than usual it seemed people were around to send me a little attention. Puhg and I walked. I journaled about the year, I logged into my virtual therapy. I looked nice but didn't mention why. I talked about the mysteries I can't solve myself. I wonder if next year I will know more or just be in more peace.

I emerged from the bedroom very hungry and made a fancy cheese plate. I played half an hour of Animal Crossing. My fictional neighbors threw me a surprise party. Puhg was zonked. It's been literal months since we had more than one plan for a day. I opened the gifts that had been stacking in the foyer. We cut the cake, and he promptly fell asleep. I stayed up a bit reading a guy from one of my writing group's pitch materials. I wrote his feedback and sent it in to him just before midnight.

maybe shake a tambourine or when I sing, you sing harmonies

It's my birthday. Twenty songs that defined my year. Last year's here. 

Rumor - Lee Brice

Put Attention on Me - Alana Johnston

She's Kerosene - The Interrupters

I'm a Good Person - CEG soundtrack

If I Had Words - Babe soundtrack

Rebel Girl - Bikini Kill

I Remember You - Skid Row

Big Mouth - The Muffs

Mele Kaliki Maka - Elvis

I Think I'm OKAY - Machine Gun Kelly

The Man - Taylor Swift

Totally F*cked - Spring Awakening soundtrack

Old Town Road - Lil Nas

Despacito - Beibs

Pretty Girl - Maggie Lindeman

A Strange Loop - A Strange Loop soundtrack

First - Cold War Kids

Twin Size Mattress - The Front Bottoms

Ridin' Solo - Jason Derulo

Chap Stick, and Chapped Lips, and Things Like Chemistry - Relient K

Many of these were important driving + radio jams, some of them were significant to the movie I worked on or the set of that movie. I would play the Spring Awakening on my walk from the flat to the theatre every night in Edinburgh. It pushed out all my anger and anxiety and got me in the mood to sing and dance my little buns off. So many good memories of showing my badge, skipping backstage, getting my button-up from the intern who ironed laundry, and kicking on my show shoes. A spritz of refresher post-show. I first heard at least two of these from TikTok. One of these I put on repeat while I wrote my new pilot. Some Hawaii memories. Specifically it's cute that I'll always associate a country song with the island because the uke performer outside our balcony played it every day. The Jason Derulo I inexplicably listen to a lot these days, alone on walks, alone writing, less alone when you call it "solo."

Meeting Women

Went to Squid's birthday a couple weeks ago. I sent a selfie of myself to Puhg while I was in the car burbs-bound to the lady of honor's favorite tiki bar. He wrote back, "Who's there?" And I told him it was a few girls I knew OF, but no friends. He said he would not put himself in that situation. I guess logically on paper, who would? I was stranding myself an hour outside the city, sitting at an intimate table with three gals I could hate for all. But it didn't even cross my mind because I like and trust Squid, so I assumed the best of her people. Plus, when do I not enjoy meeting a stranger woman? It's so rare that I really had to think hard about it just now. Really, what woman don't I have something in common with? Can I not learn from? Will not answer an intriguing question? In fact, a girl I had never met gave me a ride home and we bonded so rapidly that I got her husband a job on a movie Puhg is producing. Behind every good man.

20 songs of 29

Black Magic - Little Mix
long hot trains to Evanston, visiting bunnies in the pet shop

We Belong - Pat Benatar
girl's tri
p to the beach and late night improv for the masses

Seize the Day - Newsies
teaching nuggets to sing and dance all summer

How Far I'll Go - Moana
recovering from depression, finding the stone

Everybody Knows - Jukebox the Ghost
crushing my third season of IA

Here Comes My Baby - Cat Stevens
pressing send on my Comedy Central packet and letting it go

It Ain't Me - Selena Gomez
I was broke, but at least I got abs

Thinking of You - Ke$ha
moody muddy Mississippi

Girl All the Bad Guys Want - Bowling for Soup
reevaluating my goals and wolfing after new ones

What a Feeling - Flashdance
risks

Creature Comfort - Arcade Fire
Halloween concert, my turquoise jacket

Ring of Keys - Fun Home
teaching hella theatre classes all year

Why Should I Worry - Oliver & Co
freefalling into the absurdity of my stupidest improv

I Think I Love You - Less Than Jake
tribute to my favorite film, new tatt, a highlight of the cold season

Chip On My Shoulder - Legally Blonde
writing, writing, writing my brains out

What's Left of Me - Nick LaShay
winter nostalgia as I clean for new nightstands

Your Song - Rita Ora
weights & love & shower soundtrack

Power - Little Mix
running like a boss, HT's JuniOr Prom performance

Sunset Boulevard - Sunset Boulevard
driving in LA, learning da biz

Harvard - Diet Cig
learning to open

20 Songs of the Past Year

As tradition goes--the 20 important songs of my past year alive:

Love Yourself - Justin Bieber
Sang this a lot in empty elevators on the cruise ship
Really Don't Care - Post-Modern Jukebox & Demi Lovato
Ran to it every day in Maine
Beirut - LLW
The silliest German number from the musical I was in this fall
Fire Escape - Andrew McMahon
Fall walks to work
Love and Great Buildings - Andrew McMahon
Getting over winter in March, sitting outside waiting for the concert
Song 2 - Blur
The pre-show music for the long-running show I joined this year
Dreams - The Cranberries
Transition music from my solo show
Stuck in America - Sugarcult
Bows for my solo show
I Took a Pill in Ibiza - Mike Posner
Bittersweet end to my cruise contract
My House - Flo Rida
Getting ground in August Chicago
My Boyfriend's Back - The Angels
Getting stoked for 5Bs at i_
If My Friends Could See Me Now - Sweet Charity
Joyful writing packets
Somebody to You - The Vamps
Showersong 2K16
Crimson & Clover - Evil Stig
Thoughtful winter, 9 PM shows, bows for _____ Co
Goodbye Saigon - Billy Joel
Perspective in February
There's Your Trouble - Dixie Chicks
When spring arrived
Play It Again - Luke Bryan
Before the world exploded, things were semi-nice
Mine - Taylor Swift
Fallin' more in love with Puhg
Monster - Acoustic Eminem Cover
Writing, writing, writing at night
Better Man - Pearl Jam
Getting everything I ever wanted

Peru: Tough Reflections

People say they like to hike because they get in touch with nature and themselves. I don't like to hike mostly because I already feel in touch with myself. Nature is cool, but it's everywhere. No need to make it arduous. I dunno. I often get bored.

But then, over some oven fried potato crisps, I found myself asking Puhg what he thought about when we were quietly making our way up the Inca Trail. He had thought about mountains and history and civilization. I asked myself, what had I thought about anyway?

I had thought, "I hate myself," which is baffling to admit. But I had. Especially in the last half hour of the most difficult leg when my body was disintegrating into fatigue and sweat. I wasn't happy and I had flown to another country and dropped stacks in attempt to be. But almost as soon as I had admitted, "I hate myself," I had countered, "I don't want to be a person who hates herself." I couldn't believe it was me thinking that thought. That's a thing other people say. I've been hard on myself or guilty, but I've always liked Alice.

My birthday was such a brilliant joyful day, but in the evening I was hit with anxiety. My things weren't going to fit in my bags. I wasn't feeling 100%. Bad sleep. I'm getting older. I forgot sunscreen and had gotten beet burn--not an ideal condition to start two days outdoors. I called myself an idiot. I looked at my hiking pants. I hadn't tried them on since I bought them and had probably gained five pounds since then. If they didn't fit, I had no other options. "I'm a fat idiot," I said outloud. What was happening? This has never been how I treat me.

My mom would say these weren't my own thoughts but some nasty cultural lies that stuck to me like briars. Since the negativity felt so foreign, I am inclined to agree. I bet this happens to a lot of women/people.

There have been other things--it's been harder and harder for me to make decisions this year. Any decision. I'm always timely with mine, but less certain. I wonder more. I worry more. "My life was run by fear," a thing I've heard said at the start of motivational speeches or in narrative essays. I have never related. I'm just not afraid of much. I am calm on a shaking plane. I welcome an emotional disruption. I have started over numerous times. But I was afraid to hike a thing that thousands of people do every day. Because maybe I wouldn't have the right backpack or order the right fish at dinner or just feel the right way.

I have no idea when this started. After a lot of consideration, I have a theory. My life is really perfect. I'm doing everything I have wished for my whole life. I perform improv (for money) several times a week, I write, I teach in the arts, I have a loving partner, good friends, supportive family. It's 4 PM and I am sitting in the sun with a brownie in my gut. Literally any day of the past year would be my past self's dream--tutoring and seeing plays at Steppenwolf, a big open gym, stages and coffee houses, Sophia Bush hugged me this year! I am living my best version of my best self, and I think it's too good to be true. Like maybe I don't deserve it? Or at the very least it's all incredibly fragile. I used to have nothing to lose. Now I feel like every choice could take me a teeny bit higher or plummet me to dust. This is dramatic and untrue. I have done incredible things this year! Memorable and challenging, unbelievable and rare. I am so proud.

I feel freer. This ivy grew secretly. I yank at the vines. The leaves rip rip rip rip. And also, I guess, the hiking worked.

Is Love Alive?

20 Important Songs of the Past Year

Mine - Phoebe Ryan
Happy summer strolls to work, to rehearsal, slipping into bed at night to watch Scream and eat crackers.
Nine People's Favorite Thing - title of show
The reminder to keep making the stuff I want to make.
Fight Song - Rachel Platten
A buck up number when notes get me down.
Geronimo - Sheppard
The best song in Step class!
Fire and Rain - James Taylor
Anthem for a fall camp reunion in Michigan.
Give it to Me I'm Worth It - Fifth Harmony
Getting the class excited to learn about grammar!
The Schuyler Sisters - Hamilton soundtrack
I mean.
Peace - O.A.R.
Figuring out my place in this big fat world!
Rock It 'Til You Drop It - Fefe Dobson
Getting pumped on the train ever Saturday night, heading to the theatre.
Hey Leonardo - Blessid Union of Souls
Chicago nostalgia. Creeping through my past.
Love the Way You Lie - Eminem, Rihanna
Important angry run music.
I Wanna Dance with Somebody - Whitney Houston
Important happy clean the apartment music.
Hit or Miss - Newfound Glory
Watching people as they pass, as they pass.
My Life Would Suck Wihtout You - Kelly Clarkson
Coreography in The sketchshow I wrote this year.
Winter Song - Sara Bareilles
Practicing the splits in the coldest of cold days.
Hold Up - Beyonce
Jamming in my tiny cabin, being transformed by pure passionate art.
Everywhere - Michelle Branch
Dang, I get to be a loved woman.
Waking Up in Vegas - Katy Perry
Running around the Carribean happy as a clam.
Pogues - SC material
The finale of our show that I love dearly.
Sweet Home Chicago - Blues Brothers
Our "get into places" music for our mainstage show on the ship.

Last year's list.

This Was No Path to Glory/You Always Walk Before Me

Birthday lunch.

20 important songs of the past year:

Chicken Fried - Zac Brown Band
Final Arizona days slipping by in shaved ice and hotel pools
Hall of Fame - The Script
Neila Rey work outs on hot summer sidewalks
Classic - MKTO
Taking the downtown bus to improv classes
Cecilia and the Satellite - Andrew McMahon
Double the Andrew concerts, double the fun
Play It Again - Luke Bryan
When life has you down, listen to country
Shower - Becky G
The first day of teaching community college
Keep Together - Hunter Hunted
Filling up the new apartment
All Our Lives - Andrew McMahon
Evening grading in my office
Steal My Girl - One Direction
Chilly walks to the train en route to Englewood
Hey Dirty - ODB
For some reason the go to song Bisque absentmindedly sings
Uptown Funk - Bruno Mars
Take stage music for my music improv team
Summer Nights - Grease
Karaoke with the comedy cohort in winter bars
Believer - Smashmouth
Takin' the stage during a five-week, sold-out sketch show
Maddness - Vitamin String Quartet
The power of playing music during 6 hours of English 101
Let It Go - James Bay
Writing new plays, all day, every day
You and Me (But Mostly Me) - The Book of Mormon
Book of Mormon re-igniting my love of musical theatre
Jesus Walks - Kanye
Navigating yeses and noes
My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson
Dancing at home, on stage, planned, unplanned
Blank Space - Taylor Swift
Played in every step class ever
Get Lucky - Daft Punk
Warm-up circles in Music Conservatory

Last Year's List

Oh, Memory/Won't You Speak To Me?

In chronological order, the 30 most important songs from the year I was 25:

1. Sex on Fire, Vitamin String Quartet
strangely bright nights in my lonely AK hotel room
2. Heartbeats, The Knife
exploring small coastal towns in Alaska
3. Safe and Sound, Capital Cities
summer love in pools and cars
4. Sexy and I Know It, LMFAO
a constant friend on the sweltering Vegas strip
5. What You Want, Legally Blond
"keep your head down and get things done" jam of 2013
6. Mirrors, Justin Timberlake
sweeping the cabin with my teen kiddos
7. Seize the Day, Newsies
teaching boys how to improvise and dance at summer camp
8. Sing Me A Lullabye, Daveit Ferris
driving the tree-lined Michigan roads, goodbyes
9. We Can't Stop, Miley Cyrus
moving into the new pad
10. Everybody (Backstreet's Back), The Backstreet Boys
middle school dreams realized
11. Whistle, Flo Rida
getting ready in my stuffy 100-degree September bathroom
12. He Loves You Not, Dream
belting around the house with roommates
13. Breakfast at Tiffany's, Deep Blue Something
intermission music for my thesis play
14. Middle Distance Runner, Seawolf
respite from never-ending rehearsals
15. Let Her Go, Passenger
light at the end of the tunnel, coffee shops and laptops
16. Let Me Go, Phantogram
worry about the future, a laser light show
17. Untitled (Love Song), Counting Crows
solitude mornings, chopping berries
18. Don't Save Me, Haim
dog days of teaching Improv 101
19. Let It Go, Frozen
making it in, making it in despite the cold
20. The Trapeze Swinger, Iron & Wine
loving that Bisque
21. Friday Night, Eric Paslay
radio anthem during South Carolina Christmas
22. Story of My Life, One Direction
free falling winter break
23. Maybe I'm Amazed, Jem
walking in the Santa Monica sun, sure
24. Roar, Katy Perry
how I started every single marathon training run
25. Pompeii, Bastille
the reminders that life is good
26. Everlong, The Foo Fighters
the times I didn't need to be reminded life is good
27. Soldier, Gavin Degraw
reflection while working with prisoners
28. Stuck Like Glue, Sugarland
the dawn of a new happy aerobics era
29. Will I?, RENT
graduation, the melancholy of night and money
30. Timber, Ke$ha
Italy was lovely, but it's no escape

Last year's list: 24

Italian Birthday

Hoisted our duffels and made our way (regretfully) trainward ho. Goodbye, Cinque. I stopped in the teeny market for a little block of Parmesan and some native sweet bread. Four hour trip to Rome requires snacks.

We had a two hour delay in a quaint station with nothing but a trashy gift shop and a McDonalds. We decided to enjoy a couple lattes and were delighted by the assortment of pastries McDs had. I ate a super flaky, dusted with powdered sugar, ricotta cheese poof. Quite honestly it was the best breakfast I had all trip. If a year ago you would have told me my birthday breakfast would be from Ronald himself I would have probably assumed my life somehow unraveled to disastrous shambles and not that I would actually be very satisfied.

The weather was perfect. Creamy clouds and faint smells of countryside. On the train I planned to read more of A Room with a View, but we ended up in the most serendipitous of cars! Six little seats filled by three couples in their twenties from the US, Austrailia, and India. We spent the entire time asking each other questions about our cultures, comparing, contrasting, commenting on what we'd seen of Italy so far. I still can't get over this really. It seemed almost planned, but it was just the luck of the 19 Mag!

We decided to cab to our hotel in Rome to avoid pickpockets and a transportation headache after a longish trip. It was cheaper than we expected and much appreciated. I opened my window as the new city air whipped in.

For dinner we found a little checked-tablecloths and all pizza place. My main request was to have two gelato for dessert. The night was young. We visited The Pantheon, people watched for hours with gelato number one (chocolate orange) in hand.

We watched a street clown for a bit and headed to Trevi Fountain. Stayed on a bench from early dusk until it was completely lit watching couples kissing and large groups tossing coins behind them.

I chose a delightful lemon gelato two, Bisque made good on his promise for a backrub and we planned our very busy marrow. I reflected on the year as I drifted to sleep.