Dear Evan Hansen, You Are A Sociopath (Spoilers)

1. It's not a funny bit to nod your head and agree with lies a grieving mother is grappling with. It's not even funny if you were just "following the advice of a friend." I wasn't laughing.

2. You committed fraud on a huge level. You stole 50K.

3. You left a memorial to a dead person based on something the dead person hated. Connor's mom told you Connor hated the old apple orchard. Now, he is immortalized in an apple orchard. It's like if I died and you raised money for a ham factory to be resurrected in my honor.

4. Oh boo hoo, you didn't have a college fund. Welcome to America, Evan. 1% of people's parents pay for college. You never even filled out a single scholarship essay from the heap your mom spent hours compiling.

5. Your mom works a lot and your dad left. This is hard. Does it justify using a traumatized girl's dead brother's death as a bargaining chip in a romantic relationship with her? No.

6. You rewrote someone's life and never set the record straight.

7. You made your mom feel guilty for a bad partner out of her control.

8. You were not punished for a single one of your illegal, terrible, ridiculous actions and yet you still managed to feel sorry for yourself.

I am very over stories of men who see themselves as underdogs and thus feel entitled to bend societal and literal legal rules to fully experience their privilege. Some of the music was very good.

2017

Produced & performed my solo show.
Disney World with Alice Sr.
Two protests.
LA: peeking, dates with Puhg, goofing with A Jar, friends & beaches.
Got rejected big time from four auditions.
Got accepted from two.
Made a new real friend.
Started my first book (3/4 done as of today).
Visited my dad & survived a tornado.
Taught third graders to improvise all spring.
A teen improv workshop for underserved girls.
Published three times.
Saw Andrew McMahon & Arcade Fire in concert.
Graduated i_.
Cast on my first Harold team.
Coached two indie teams.
Directed three sketch shows.
Visited my alma matter for spring break.
The Goodman six times.
Steppenwolf twice.
Two women's coven retreats.
Climbed Machu Picchu, explored the Amazon, best ceviche ever.
Wrote & starred in a kids comedy show at SC.
Hosted five friends on the couch.
Dallas Improv Festival: godmommin', pie, Dizz's pool, a great set.
Taught musical theatre & song parody at two summer camps.
Cried on Fourth of July.
Screamed Moana around the apartment.
Submitted three writing packets.
Made it to the final round of one for Comedy Central.
Re-learned Hiragana & Katakana.
Almost a month of improv in Maine.
The total eclipse.
Taught two sections of Theatre History & four of English.
Revised my pilot into something I'm proud of.
Took a meeting.
My first comedy class at The A.
My first playwriting class since grad school.
Workshop reading at GH.
Threw a small but intellectually stimulating film viewing.
New tattoo.
First commissioned play.
Tutored 300 hours.
156 improv shows.
After three years, found my neighborhood coffee shop.
Told my co-worker casually I am living my dream. She laughed, and I said, "No actually I am. This is the dream I had and I am doing it. Like, everyday."

The Octopus Eats Its Own Leg

Best Chicago Theatre I've Seen in 2015

1. Grand Concourse - Steppenwolf
2. Book of Mormon - Bank of America Theatre
3. Rapture, Blister, Burn - The Goodman
4. Improvised Shakespeare - iO
5. Little Foxes - The Goodman
6. Soul Brother Where Art Thou? - The Second City
7. Trust Us (Screw You) - The Neo-Futurists
8. Ride the Cyclone - Chicago Shakes
9. Mr. Burns - Theatre Wit
10. Yellow Dress - Silk Road Rising

Brownie Batter Oreos

Tired Oreo selfie because Bisque and I just played a three hour game of Monopoly.

There are so many dang kinds of Oreos out lately! These were the only unhealthy purchase in our grocery cart last Sunday. How could I resist, you know?

Authenticity: Yes, these do smell and taste like brownie flavor.
Enjoyment: Yes, an Oreo mixed with a brownie is a good idea. Of course. Duh.
Taste: Somehow Oreo has captured that slightly burnt taste of brownies, which I don't love. I get it's part of many brownies, but ultimately, it gives the Oreo smokey vibes. I understand without this, it would merely be a chocolate creme Oreo. I get it. I'm just saying.

Overall: B+, a good time, but the regular (or even chocolate) Oreo reigns supreme
Idea: I bet these would be EXCELLENT smashed into a bowl of vanilla ice cream

S'more Fever

My favorite food is a s'more. It's so simple, so delicious, and a pseudo-craft. In the past couple years, the world has caught on. America, at least, has s'more fever. Will s'more be the next pumpkin? A batty craze meant to infuse a fake sense of seasonal joy into our bloodstreams? Honestly, I hope so.

I've done a comprehensive look at all things s'more before. It was published here. In the past couple months, I have tried four new s'more novelties, so I am going to write about them, as one is want to do.

1. Starbucks S'more Frappuccino--I can't believe this didn't already exist. Here's the deal: pretty dang tasty, pretty dang s'morey too. The taste AND the texture of the marshmallow are preserved--v crucial. Graham cracker crumbs--choice. I had a decaf one once though, which was basically a bucket of chocolate drizzled ice and whipped cream, so, I guess, I don't recommend that. Necessarily. B+

2. Starbucks S'more Tart--SERVED WARM. Dang, this tart has it all. The marshmallow manages to be slightly crispy (a la campfire for reals!) and the chocolate is v rich 'n' gooey. The graham is a bit more thick and pie-crusty than a typical s'more would allow, but it was buttery, so who's complaining? A

Selfie text from Bisque that made me squeal!

3. S'more Oreos--Fun fact: several people alerted me to the news these were being made, and three people have already bought me some. I am a s'more celeb! Thoughts: the cookie does taste graham-y--but only slightly different than a typical Oreo cookie. The creme tastes like creme. I wasn't getting a 'mallow vibe TBH. Still, it's a good cookie. It's just not the most impressive take. B+

4. Maggiano's Dessert S'more Special--This was a special one-month-only dessert at the Lettuce Entertain You staple Maggianos. And that fact will make me sad for the rest of my life because this slab of s'more cake was literally the best thing I have ever eaten. I am not kidding. I've eaten sushi in Japan, fresh noodles in Italy, this weekend at the best restaurant in Chicago, and I would give it all up for a s'more cake. Thick crumbly s'more crust, fat slab of chocolate mousse, ample marshmallow topping that has been blow torched to smokey perfection, drizzles of caramel. Truly my favorite food of all time. If you think that's lame, then you clearly DIDN'T TRY ANY. A+++

That's the s'more round-up for now. Why more companies haven't gotten onboard is beyond me. I'm lookin at you Dunkin Donuts with your lack of S'more Munchkins.

The Book of Mormon

Four years late to the party, but I finally saw The Book of Mormon. I didn't want to listen to the music until I saw it, and it has never been in the same city as I have until now.

The production was immensely entertaining and very inspiring for me as a writer.

-Trey Parker and Matt Stone dgaf so hard about what is and isn't appropriate. This is immensely satisfying. Nothing is sacred in their work, and, really, you just have no other choice but to applaud them. I've been in writers' workshops where the use of a pronoun is debated as offensive for half an hour. While I believe we should live in as most loving and truthful world as possible, sometimes it's just nice to see a musical sequence in which Hitler is sodomizing a gay Mormon teen, and the protagonist's father is being felt up by Jeffrey Dahmer. Those things were on the Boradway stage. Those things won Tonys. In an overly PC America, it's refreshing. And it's also totally earned! Nothing is "just 'cause," and nothing else has to be explained.

-The themes of the musical were not as obvious as I thought they might be going into the theatre. Obviously, these guys aren't Morms, so there was really no chance of the production being pro-LDS. But it was remarkably even-keeled about LDS. Most importantly, nothing was made up or exaggerated. This musical literally told the Book of Mormon and mapped out young Mormon life pretty genuinely. Of course seeing any religion shown as a pageant play would be ridiculous, but nothing was blown out of proportion. It was by the literal book with, even, some helpful explanation of why some pieces might seem far-fetched.

-Music is amazingly powerful! Some of the melodies are so fantastic and hopeful, it doesn't matter if the singer is talking about Jesus "growing a pair" or a man raping babies (real topic covered), I just felt good. There are so many people in the world who don't like musical theatre because it is unbelievable or cheesy. Those people can eat rocks because MUSIC IS MAGIC. I don't care if musical theatre isn't "realistic." Why is realistic the measuring tool for making yourself feel an emotion and learn and grown and be happy?

-Stone and Parker tricked a typically white liberal older wealthy-ish audience into going to a show about something they thought they wanted to see (making fun of Mormons) but secretly made it about something else we don't love to think about in this country (Uganda). Spoon full of sugar, y'all!

-Speaking of. I had heard the portrayal of Africans was offensive in the musical. You know, it's really hard to say. What does that even mean? I'm kind of convinced any type of portrayal of an African culture seen via liberal white people can be construed as offensive because we truly don't know enough about Africa to know what's a stereotype and what is real. Like showing a Ugnada with war lords and AIDS and no technology isn't racist. It's just how it is. Maybe it's offensive to show these diseased impoverished people singing so happily, but that's satire. And also, the spoon of sugar thing.

-Speaking of Part II. There are not enough Broadway roles for black actors. Way to go, Book of Mormon for, yes, creating a heavy white male show but balancing it with a huge black ensemble.

-It was funny. That doesn't really need to be said, but, yeah, it was really really funny.

Two gripes:

-The end seemed so rushed. Like, a murderer was conquered in ten seconds of dialogue? Somehow? All loose ends were tied up in less than one musical number.

-Holy pop culture topical jokes. One character was a total nerd...so I get that. And, heck, maybe darth Vader and Hobbits are timeless now. But, little jabs at OJ Simpson and Nicki Minaj...it just tainted the work. TO ME. Maybe that's snobby of me. Whatever, this is my blog. MY RULEZ.

Ultimately:

The musical did have a message about faith, and it was more uplifting than one might think. Ultimately I left feeling the musical said, "Hey, people need something good and hopeful. It can be wacky and made up. It probably is. But, the feeling behind it, the spirit beyond humanity, is not. What a lesson to tackle. Hats hats hats off.

Rapture Blister Burn at The Goodman

Took my mom to see Rapture, Blister, Burn at The Goodman this weekend. It was the perfect play to see with one's feminist--yet of a different era-- parent. One thing that struck me before I even entered the theatre was how "womany" this play was. It was billed specifically as a piece by a woman. The promotional materials featured Rose the Riveter. There was even a little extra option at the bottom of the purchase order that explained The Goodman wants to keep making works by women, so would I consider an added donation? It pains me that this is necessary. It shouldn't be exotic to feature women playwrights, but at the same time, the extra push seems to be important. After all, this play was nominated for a Pulitzer, but I had never heard of it until it showed up on my Goodman emails. Look at Tonys last year, Oscars this year--women writers are invisible. It's been said before.

During the play there were times I thought, "No wonder people don't see plays 'for women.' A huge chunk of Act I was literally a feminism class. Sure, there were some quips and personal character views inserted in, but largely, we were all in a lecture class getting the history of women's rights. That said, the characters were interesting, relatable, lovable, intriguing. And at intermission, immediately my mom had a lot to say. Furthermore, the woman next to us chimed in. The three of us talked for the entire break about what was compelling about each view of feminism, the history, our experiences. I think that is the truest mark of an important and interesting play--the audience discusses it at intermission. The most interesting things to arise from our talk: the woman next to us was a dentist and explained all the guys she went to school with were serious dummies, my mom said if she could have stayed at home and just been a housewife, she would have--instead of having a very successful career in education, and I explained that when Catherine explained if people are equal in a relationship they can't both go first I didn't really find that true anymore because couple my age do a great job of compromising jobs, location, etc.

I was pleased by the major and surprising action that kicked off the second act. Things got GOING. For those who don't know, the play is about three graduate school friends meeting up after many years. One went on to have a lucrative career in writing, teaching, talk shows. The other two got married and didn't. The wedded woman didn't even finish her degree. Ron (wedded male) is in a rut romantically and career-wise. The huge HAPPENING was (SPOILER AHEAD) the two women decide to switch lives. They each are so "I wished I had had a family"/"I wish I had a career for myself." So they walk the talk. At first it's fun, but quickly, so quickly, I was very very delighted by the married characters' conclusion. It was not rosy, but they wanted to be together. They had ended up in life as they were because they didn't want challenges. So when Catherine comes in and says, "Here, Ron, I'll support you and help you write a book, Gwen, I'll set you up in my New York apartment, they just run home." Home. A whole other can of worms. Catherine comes home to be with her mother at the outset of the play. She preaches how you can't outsource a home, and yet she tries to by taking someone else's husband and child. In the end, we all want to be home meaning family but for many of us that involves have a certain stability of money meaning a good career too. Hence the whole reason we're still seeing plays about this difficult balance decades after women's rights allegedly happened.

The crux of the play to me was that people will be what they set out to be. Avery has my favorite monologue from the play. She tells about how she ice skated when she was a child and quit. When she sees the Olympics she says, "That could have been me." Not only do we look at the "greener" grass on the other side of the fence, we typically look at a magazine picture of the plot of land. Yes, if we had made different choices along the way, things would be different, but why on earth would we expect to be at the perfect end of different? I like how quickly Gwen and Ron are like, "Nah. We liked using our What Ifs as excused, but we're truly average." They chose to see themselves as losers and poor, when really they had enough money. It's not like Gwen couldn't have worked part-time retail. For goodness sake, they have enough money to get a custom birthday cake made for a toddler.

I do also want to note that at first glance, it seems Catherine was almost perfect. She was successful and tried to "have it all" with Ron, but Ron sucked and wanted to be average. But the next day over a Field's salad at The Walnut Room, my mom and I decided Catherine wasn't really much better than the other two. She didn't want to work for her life to improve either. She tried to gank a guy she dated a million years ago who she knew was lazy and a pothead. She didn't put herself out to the world to find a real true companion. She didn't attempt to find an equal partner who loved and cherished her. She went for a near warm body for comfort. It's really no better than Gwen realizing she has no interest in working for a Masters.

In the end, every one is okay. They have learned, and even if they are not totally happy, they can no longer use outside sources for their unhappiness. They know who they are--which is more than most of us can say and a thrilling resolution to a piece of literature.

My one itsy bitsy complaint is that Avery crumbled so quickly when her boyfriend, whom she was merely exclusively hooking up with, left. She painted herself as some warrior lover and fell back on whining to him on the phone when he strayed. My mom says it proves that women who say they don't care about relationships really do. We're all sensitive. I don't buy it. I think sometimes you do have fun relationships. I think sometimes you don't really care. I understand Avery is ONE twentysomething, but of course I couldn't help but feel she represented us all. And I don't think she did it rightly.

I felt I was corned into seeing the whole story as representative pieces by the text. I was forced to see representation by the constant discussion of theory very literally plotted over the play instead of things just happening and those in the audience who know theory making the connections or not. (Like most plays). But then I wondered...is it possible to be a woman these days and not have a strong understanding of that theory? Yes, of course, but not in middle class college-educated society. It's just not. Everything you do, there are the hanging skulls of Friedan or Butler above you, asking of you, "Are you doing it right?" 

Airline Highway, Steppenwolf Theatre

Went to see this play people have been that's so ravin' about before the holiday. I kept meaning to write about it. Now my memory is a little fuzzier, which, in some ways, makes for a better critique.

The play looked great. Everyone LOOKED right. The setting was disgusting and perfect. I was transported. The only technical error spotted was from Bisque's eye. He said, "I don't think they would have had name brand chips." It is a good point. At a party of homeless strippers and duggos, maybe they'd go for the Jewel-brand tortilla chips instead of the Tostitos. Just a hunch.

How did I feel? This is the primary question. I felt, complacent. Mostly. I never felt a real strong pulling thing. I was in the balcony, but that hasn't stopped the power of theatre before. Did I care about these people? Um. Here's the true thing. I felt the people I met were in unpleasant lives and while it wasn't their fault, they were not extremely proactive to change. For some, I don't think they minded. For some, I think they very very much did. Perhaps that is the point of the play--a sort of conservative view of the lower class. "They could change, but they won't. They're weak."

"People don't change." A sentiment repeated and proven, I think, by the text. Perhaps the happiest of the folk was that old man on his bicycle. Tragically stuck in a hippy mind with an ol' lil body pedaling to the radio. Or was it tragic? Was it just fine because when all was said and done he was happy? He had the last big speech of the show. A poem. I thought it strange since he was such a minor character and none of his words held much strength to me, but upon writing this...

I found the play very deliberate. The symbol of Bait Boy's pink shirt coming off, his tattoos exposed, his speech morphing. The iPad of the yuppy kid, when she dropped it, the storytelling and the talking about the storytelling. I don't think deliberate is bad by any means. I'd rather deliberate than cloudy.

There is a huge emphasis on the choices you make at 16 do matter. I believe this. Sometimes I couldn't tell if we weren't supposed to believe this, or if that's a mantra of losers. "If only..." The carrying of baggage that can be can be can be dropped. But people that ever tell you, "This doesn't matter," don't know what it is like to be alive and get things you want. In reality everything matters. Instead, say, "This matters, but what you do next matters more."

Overall, I think I enjoyed this play just fine. It is going to Broadway, and there is zero chance I would recommend anyone see if for how much that ticket will cost. At the Step with a student discount, a good little Thursday night. Without? Hm. I don't think you need it. I will say that theatre is lasting. These ideas are stronger with colors and words and fake people on stage representing them. I don't believe I was changed from this production. I don't believe I learned very much, but I did think in a deep way, and that is what it is all about.

PB&J Pop-tarts!

I actually gasped when I saw these sweet babies on the shelf at Jewel! Heard a rumor about PB&J tarts months ago, but saw nada. Until tonight!

Deets: Love the design. Big fan of the continued golden wrappers for pb flavored tarts. It makes me feel like I'm going to Wonka's factory every time I open a box. (In reality the gold is probably a happy warning for allergics. HALT. NON-PEANUT EATERS STICK TO SILVER FOIL.) Tiny strawberry sprinkles--cash money. A basically satisfying and tasty snack as, let's be real, all Pop-Tarts are. However, mainly, these taste just like little pb&j sandwiches. Perhaps a wee bit crunchier. So, not sure if they're my jam. (Har har--jam!) They're in a weird middle ground of not being hearty enough for a sandwich substitute, but they're too lunchy for breakfast. I'm sure I ate my week's sugar serving, but that's beside the point. There was something too...noontime about these. Two flavors. Plain. Obvs, I'm not going to stick up my nose at at Pop-Tart. Lord, no. Ultimately, still a delightful box of sugar, ya know? I see advantages. I see disadvantages. Overall, I see a B+.

Christmas Cereals!

After Thanksgiving I was completely spent. I told Bisque, "I am having cereal for dinner tonight." He dare not stop me. At the Jewel I found not one but two cereals contending for my taste buds, so, what the hay, I got them both.

They were gone in 48 hours. I ate cereal for two days straight and I do not regret it even a little bit.

Sugar Cookie Pebbles - A+
Presentation - Delightful! Like a bunch of happy holiday twinkle lights. Bonus sparkle from the truckload of sugar involved.
Taste - Like the actually promised sugar cookie! Seriously! A heaping spoonful tasted like a dozen tiny sugar cookies. What is not to love?
Substance - Airy. Hard to make a complete meal (but not impossible, as evidenced by the fact that I did it). Did I check the nutritional chart? Oh absolutely not.

Christmas Crunch - A
The exact same as regular Crunch Berries...except said berries are red and green. Is this a problem? As someone who would be cool eating C. Crunch as a final meal on death row, I say no. A change in presentation alone ain't bad. How can you really improve perfection, ya know?

"At this point, you're major Crunch." - Bisque

Workouts for the Modern Woman

Just finished a week of Daily Burn. It's a great program--catered to you, different every day, fab and fun trainers...but I still get the sense I'm not quite the right audience for these videos. These are smiley little ladies who live to squat. If they mention their personal lives, it's like, "Aww, she's a newlywed or a dancer!" So, here are some workouts I'd like to see added to Daily Burn:

1. Workouts in which the "models" just come home from being lawyers or professors and sort of slump along with the workout. During breaks instead of the instructor making small talk about their glutes, they explain how the judge was being a real tool today or how many papers she has to grade.

2. Workouts in which the models' boyfriends are sitting nearby half-watching them do everything. This is the type of situation women at home are often in. I'd like to see the models deal with it. Maybe every few minutes the model boyfriends could ask when the workout is over so he can watch TV.

3. Instead of the canned cardio music playing, maybe a soft undercurrent of speeches Eleanor Roosevelt has given?

4. All Beyonce.

5. The trainer translates the exercises into real life scenarios. In spinning classes the trainer will talk the group through hills and valleys they pretend to ride through. In this workout if you're lunging for instance it's like, "Reach back behind the pile of clothes in your closet! That sweater you can't find is there somewhere!"

6. Book club workout. You read a chapter of a classic novel and during the workout your trainer asks you critical thinking questions about it.

7. Routines that guarantee you don't need to wear a bra. If there is any bouncy cardio, the models will incorporate wrapping their arms around their chests.

8. There is at least one model who just plain has no idea what she is doing.

Sugar Cookie Pop-Tart

Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts do, in fact, taste like sugar cookies. Beside the more cracker-like Tart texture vs. the chewiness of a traditional cookie, they are the same. The frosting is lackluster and plain, decorated with stupid pictures like a skiing snowman. The inside, especially when heated, is delightful. Borderline majestic. That right-out-of-the-oven-at-Christmas game, mang.

I ate two of the box of 16. On an afternoon in December. Ro ate 13, as they were good "just woke up from a nap" snacks. And in January she took a lot of naps. She left one solitary Tart in the box, stale and lonely. A gesture of "See? I didn't eat all your food."

Taste is A. But I will not be buying these again. They're just too darn close to full-blown dessert, you might as well just go for legit cookies if that's what you're in the mood for.

The Grand Budapest Hotel

-Best character was Adrian Brody. His dialogue: magnifique.
-It was extremely refreshing to see a tender friendship between an adult gay (bi?) male and a young impressionable teen that was wholly positive, supportive, zero percent creepy, and endearing. Gay males are often stuck with clouds of stigma about any form of relationships with boys. A good example to throw on the scale against unfair presumptions.
-It was always snowing, and yet no one ever wore a coat. GD, Wes.
-Underrepresentation of woman as always. I get it, you can make whatever you want with your crew of hip funny guys. But, ya know.
-Speaking of hip funny guys: they were underused hella anyway. Did they really need to be smooshed in? Bill Murray barely had a laugh line. What's the point? I wonder if the cameos were because Anderson loves his bros, or his audience mandates the bros, or the bros would be hurt.
-On being in a full theatre: dear lord, everyone laughs when any of the crew just shows up. Literally Murray's face was on screen and the audience died. He was just sitting there and proceeded to say very normal things. This happened for all the big names in the film beside, as I mentioned, Adrian Brody, who's character was actually well-crafted and interesting.
-I love many of Wes Anderson's films, but a lot of people don't and even associate a sense of artistic arrogance with them. I obviously get it. Also, people feeling the need to verbally comment to the rest of the theatre via chuckles "See? I'm a buff. I know Jason Schwartzman is in every movie and always hilarious."
-I mean, it was really pretty. I felt like I was in a felt picture book of winter and sometimes inside the giant pinball machine at the Science and Industry Museum. The details were cutesy, which is lovely and a little annoying all at once. I dunno, does anyone LOVE these movies? I'm a troll idk.
-I liked the story within a story within a story within a story. The themes of endurance, legacy, history, existential crisis covering everything like extremely trendy 1930s wallpaper.
-The humor. Personally, a little jokesy for me. The wordplay is tame, but, again, this word: "cute." Rarely did I honestly laugh, but when I did, it was really wonderful. Some delicious character explosion. Ralph Fiennes though. Dang, his timing was ballin' outta control.
-Okay, I really don't think this is unfair, but I fully aware I might get a stink eye for it: I found this film a giant glorification of murder and guns. Really frustrating. So many people are killed, and it's CUTE. Aww! So cute! Shootouts like mad. Chopped off body parts. It was seriously all so cute. Honestly, worse than a violent video game. I think a little subliminal part of everyone there's brain just stowed away a hidden desire to don an Urban Outfitters skirt and a pistol.
-The love story was very underdeveloped. It wasn't the point, so it didn't need to be, like, extremely complex, but something substantial would be nice.
-Anyway, there were a lot of shots of cake. So. Oscar winner for best picture.

Frances Ha

-Girls does a good job of representing the complexities of female friendships, but Frances Ha captures the intimacies. Women do have a bond more ethereal than...anything. Not to get wacky, but we're the life-makers. Something under our surface tapes us together. There is awareness. I mean, you don't get to say we all talk too much without acknowledging that is for some reason.

-Frances deserves her fate. While this might make some movies too easy, not this one.

-Being young and happy is the best. It's also strange and difficult.

-This was not a woman's story. This was a human's story.

-I hated and loved every character.

-It was everything Llewlyn Davis wasn't. A redemption as I saw the latter Monday and the former Wednesday. I hated Llewlyn Davis. I gained nothing. I lost something. Cohens have forsaken me.

-I have recently realized I am uninterested in art that does not in some form provoke hope. I am also uninterested in arguing that some art imitates life and sometimes there is no hope. There is always hope, you jerk.

2013 in Review

Lately I've been affectionately calling myself a "little sluglet" since Winter Break began, which is code for "lazy scumball."

Examples of being sluglet:

-my daily uniform of the same hot pink tank top that reads "I DON'T SWEAT I SPARKLE" and gym shorts SUP, BOOOYS!

-my diet, like yesterday's dinner of three Fannie Mays and second dinner at 11 PM of potato skins dipped in ranch

-how the same junk mail has been laying on my bedroom floor since November, RIP rainforest, I step on Children's International kids faces er'ryday

-any task I have to do takes me about eight times as long as when I'm in school (I learned about how gators go into "hibernation" but that doesn't mean they sleep, it just means they stop processing their food and move like molasses, only coming out to lounge in the sun and I can def relate)

But I wasn't always this way! No, I wasn't. It's very very hard to remember on days like today when I've literally just cleaned the debris of my disgusting vacation lifestyle and watched Sister Wives, so I'm providing a tidy lil list of neat thangs I did in 2013. It's a boring list, but sometimes it's nice to see what can be done in a year.

Profesh Ish

-taught/TA'd four college classes, one that I designed from scratch

-had a play workshopped at a theatre conference in Alaska

-rewrote and watched my thesis play get produced

-got a job writin' for a theatre journal reviewing new works

-another two semesters of classwork completed, one remains

-another two semesters working with disabled students

-auditioned for and accepted to The Program

-devised a new play for kiddos at summer camp

-did a lil freelance speech high school coaching/judging

-performed at National College Improv Tournament Nationals, did a spot at fall improv fest, a lil standup, a new works festival, a couple bits at Encylo Showz

-workin' on two screenplays

Personal Ish

-met and fell in love with a really great guy

-moved to a new home with new wonderful roommates

-took an Alaskan cruise with my mom and sistah

-roadtripped to the north woods with my dad to visit my aunt

-traveled to Vegas, South Carolina, and San Diego!

-hosted three of my best friends in one month!

-made some new frands (Cager, Lavender, Rora)

-experienced hella culture (MUSE concert, read Heartbreaking Work, saw Clyborne Park, many excellent films, etc.)

-and, of course, progressing as a human being through trials, gratitude, and reflection

Roomies.

It's not a ton, and it's not glamourous, but these small steps add up, you know? Tomorrow it begins again. Good food, good sleep, good organization, good person.

Please Do Not See The Wolf of Wall Street

People will tell you this movie is the best of the year, and there are merits, sure. Their names are Leo, and Jonah Hill. Also there are def some solid comedic scenes/lines, it's an overall entertaining movie, and it's well-made. The soundtrack is baller, it clips along, some of it is very pretty. BUT ALSO:

1. GD MISOGYNY.

Yeah, I get it. If you indulge in hotties and refuse to make serious emotional connections, you're unahppy. But do we need to keep seeing this played out over and over--meanwhile sexualizing women for 98% of films and then adding a little escape hatch of "but it's bad"? OVER IT.

2. IT AIN'T NEW.

What do most audiences think about Wall Street? That stoke brokers suck. That capitalism allows for some real self-indulgent dingbats. That they get away with everything. Well, thanks for a movie that affirms everything we thought when we entered the theater.

3. JORDAN BELFORT IS AN EFFING JERK.

The whole movie is about how much of a toolbox JB is, and what a swindler, and he totally does not get served as much justice as he should be. Because he's the worst. But guess what? He is now synonymous with only the most lovable and respected movie star in America. So no matter how despicable he truly was, we still kind of think he's awesome. PLUS, HE IS MAKING MORE MONEY OFF THE MOVIE. Not just indirectly is it screwed up that this terrible human continues to make millions in speaking events and book sales, which will only blow up more as a result of the film...I LITERALLY JUST GAVE HIM MY MONEY BY SEEING THIS MOVIE. Rage puke.

Spoilery: That final shot. Bisque said it redeemed the movie a little because it shows "Whoa, look at this d-bag, and how money didn't make him happy, and, yet, hundreds of people still want his get-rich-quickness." And then I was like, omg, it's a mirror image of the theater. All these people just staring at a monster, totally engrossed.

The Heat! (Some Spoilers, But, Like, Stuff You Coulda Guessed)

Welp. I loved The Heat.

Granted, I had an extremely generous mindset going into the theater--I wanted to love this movie. Oh, boy, did I want to love this movie. FIRST FEMALE BUDDY COPS, FEMALE SCREENWRITER, MIDDLE-AGE HEROINES, MELISSA MCCARTHY'S UNCONVENTIONAL BEAUTY! My gender equality dreamz exploding into unicorns.

Look, it's not GD American Beauty, but it's way way way better than, like, eighty percent of Will Ferrell's summer movies. I have way too much to think and say about this film, but this is my crummy blog, and I don't get paid for it, so I am just going to give some bullet points.

-It was just as exciting to see women run around with guns and narrowly dodging explosives as it would be watching men. Truth. Of course the amount of violence is problematic, but that's not what I'm focusing on right now.

-Witty, gritty women. Some of the banter and one-liners. #SupesSmartDialogue #SupesSmartDialogueInLadyMouths

-I was worried at first when the women were so horribly opposed, but I had to recognize that they were not just competitive women (cough, Bridesmaids), they were just two opposing protagonists. It's a buddy cop movie. That's how it goes.

-Perhaps women can be a little more emotional, but they don't have to be. The women become friends/learn from each other, but they maintain a playful hate/love relationship until the end. Like, women (especially women in the FBI maybe?) can be affectionate jerks.

-No sexualization besides minor comedic club dancing. More awkward than body-focused. In buddy cop comedies, we don't need to actually get into a dude's six-pack. Same goes got Sandra's bangin' bod.

-THAT said, the women talk about each other's appearances more than average cop duos might.  (Although, it does happen. Opening scene in 48 Hours.) But, let's be real...that's part of being a woman. That stuff matters more. It's natural, they would make it matter more in their conversation. It was never drippy. It was punchy and often entertaining.

-Men also commented a lot on their appearances/ages/hygiene. I think this may have been overblown. (The villain always commenting on the relative "hottness" of the pair.) But, possible (sad). It was done comedically like, "Oh, great! This silly guy not being attracted to Melissa LOL." In seriousness, I'm sure true male villains do use appearance as a wedge to make their female victims feel uncomfortable. But, that would be a different genre.

-Lack of romantic focus. Each woman had a little backstory (I'm wondering if to prove they weren't gay?) but not even a B plot worth. Not even a C plot worth.

-The supposedly touching friendship moment was actually touching for me. I wonder if it was just written well or if I could connect more as a lady. Is this what I have been missing out on bromance movies all this time!? Seriously felt slightly choked up. During The Heat.

-There was a big ol' lack of other women. One one hand, this was probably accurate. Female cops in high places? Meh? It helped show a subtle feminist message: woman against everyone else. But, I thought that may have been too strong. Of course Sandra wants a promotion that her male boss can't see she deserves. What if it had been a woman? Maybe, I'm reading too much into it.

-These humans were supremely unlikable at the outset and didn't get much better (although they grew on me). Perhaps showing some negative women blown up? I think no. I think that's just what comedy is. They were whole humans. That's the important thing. I mean, we can't complain about lack of women in film if we expect them all to be perfect. Perfect is boring.

-The plot skeleton was pretty intriguing. The cops are on the trail of a huge drug bust. Kinda one of the less important rings of investigation? (According to me, who, you know, doesn't know anything about the worst impacts of coke economy.) I guess it's comedy, so murders aren't the best bet. But, still...something about the women succeeding at a pyseduo-fruitless mission...Hm.

-For a female-centric movie, there were still a lot of dick jokes. But, part of standing up as a woman is making aiming some guns at guy crotches.

-No one ever made fun of Melissa's weight or even alluded to it. #SoFreakingHappy

-Mainly, SO COOL THAT THE WORD "MISOGYNY" IS JUST CHILLIN' IN A SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER!

Things are happening, and I feel really excited for the future.

Green Analysis of Looper (Spoilers)

First of all, I really enjoyed Looper. Everyone I knew who had seen it from students to my dad had given it a serious thumbs up, so I had high expectations, and those expectations were certainly met. The movie is intriguing, beautifully crafted, and digestible enough to make sense, but complex enough to make you work/feel kind of smarty.

I also really appreciated the theme of conscientious environmentalism that can be applied to the film. As 20 somethings in a broken world they inherited, the Loopers feel as though their youthful behavior--while destructive--is theirs to enact. Again, they never asked to be part of that society in the first place. Even when directly faced with the consequences of the future, even for themselves, they do not want to change their ways.

The film also shows the heart of the struggle with environmental progress via Bruce Willis's character as he simultaneously demands a better future but refuses to change his own desires. We are empathetic to his emotion because we see that he is hopeful for a genuinely good thing. At the same time, by the end of the film we see that perhaps Willis is not wrong in that what he wants is a good thing...but that doesn't mean that overall he is working toward the greater good. To me, the projected solution of the film in terms of breaking the harmful cycle is something like, "Look. We get that you are but a human lost in the wide world without any personal responsibility for things, but just take some, would you? And furthermore, recognize that maybe you see something you could sacrifice as unsacrificable, but have you ever considered that perhaps there is more good--dare we say--BETTER good to fill the hole in your preconceived idea of perfection?"

There's a lot more to say on this topic (IE the use of retro fashion portraying this selfishness is not new to any generation), but I also have a lot of homework and grading to do.

Treats: Birthday Oreo and Gingerbread Pop Tart Edition

Happy Birthday, Oreos! 100 years!


I seriously opened the bag, and it smelled like I had just pulled a yellow cake out of the oven. Plus, sprinkles.


Mega-thumbs up to the frosting frosting. It tasted like cake frosting. OM NOM NOM.

So. I also tried these gingerbread Pop-Tarts.


Cute lil winter gingerkids on the tarts. But, I notice immediately...there's no frosting. That's pretty bland, right?




Oh, I get it. The frosting is on the inside. So, let's be clear. There's no even PRETEND nutritional value here. Like, a regular strawberry Pop Tart is still probably bad for you, but there's something that's like fruit involved. No, this snack is just a crumbly ginger-flavored pocket of icing. But, they kinda tasted like seafood.


See? Food.


Yeah, you really shouldn't have fallen for that. And they actually didn't taste like seafood. Obvi.

Overall: Oreos--8/10, Pop Tarts--6/10
That's right. I am an artifically/factory-made dessert food critic now.

Charlotte's Muffins!

MUFFINS!

Throughout last September and October I decided to embark on an experimental taste testing challenge in which I consumed as many pumpkin products as possible and ranked them. The study was highly effective and delicious. My findings were published on The Bygone Bureau: A Journal of Modern Thought.

The story is here:
http://bygonebureau.com/2011/11/09/it’s-the-great-pumpkin

A baker named Charlotte found said article and wrote me explaining she makes delicious muffins, and would I please review them? Uh, will I eat and talk about muffins? You bet I will.

Charlotte sent me two frozen berry banana muffins. All I had to do was pop them in the oven (or toaster oven) for a couple minutes, and presto, they were warm, soft, and speckled with gooey fruit pieces. The muffins we delicious--sweet, but not too sweet. Definitely breakfast material. They were compact, chewy, and not crumbly at all! Taste: fab--real blueberries, cranberries, and banana. Yum.

And here is THE BEST PART, well, now, the best part is they were so tasty, but the OTHER best part is that they were fat and sugar free. Wow--you really couldn't tell because thy were so naturally wonderful. But, truth, the ingredients were just the three fruits, Splenda, whole wheat flour, and egg whites. Boom goes the dynamite, y'all.

So, Charlotte's Muffins! Want a new breakfast item? Want to surprise your Val's Day sweetie with a treat? Like healthy chomps?You can order them by e-mailing Charlotte herself at charlottetomic2@gmail.com!



Bon appétit!