Workouts for the Modern Woman

Just finished a week of Daily Burn. It's a great program--catered to you, different every day, fab and fun trainers...but I still get the sense I'm not quite the right audience for these videos. These are smiley little ladies who live to squat. If they mention their personal lives, it's like, "Aww, she's a newlywed or a dancer!" So, here are some workouts I'd like to see added to Daily Burn:

1. Workouts in which the "models" just come home from being lawyers or professors and sort of slump along with the workout. During breaks instead of the instructor making small talk about their glutes, they explain how the judge was being a real tool today or how many papers she has to grade.

2. Workouts in which the models' boyfriends are sitting nearby half-watching them do everything. This is the type of situation women at home are often in. I'd like to see the models deal with it. Maybe every few minutes the model boyfriends could ask when the workout is over so he can watch TV.

3. Instead of the canned cardio music playing, maybe a soft undercurrent of speeches Eleanor Roosevelt has given?

4. All Beyonce.

5. The trainer translates the exercises into real life scenarios. In spinning classes the trainer will talk the group through hills and valleys they pretend to ride through. In this workout if you're lunging for instance it's like, "Reach back behind the pile of clothes in your closet! That sweater you can't find is there somewhere!"

6. Book club workout. You read a chapter of a classic novel and during the workout your trainer asks you critical thinking questions about it.

7. Routines that guarantee you don't need to wear a bra. If there is any bouncy cardio, the models will incorporate wrapping their arms around their chests.

8. There is at least one model who just plain has no idea what she is doing.

Busty Women Running Are Actually Americas Greatest Heroes

If you think about it, there's really nothing more heroic.

-Moms that pick up cars because their babies are under them, yes, amazing, but that's a reaction born of instinct. And duh you don't want a baby squash.

-Firefighters. Pretty heroic, but it's also their job. That's what they do for money. To pay da bills. When it comes time to jump in the smoked out condo, they don't have a choice.

-Soldiers. Similar to firefighters.

-Whistleblowers at shady companies. It's probably more likely you'll get a movie made about you than have your life ruined.

-People without appendages who compete in Special Olympics. You gotta do this if you're gonna not be a sad sack with no legs. Like, you just gotta.

Which brings us back to my original thesis. If you're a busty lady, A you didn't choose it and you can't really unchoose it. It's not your job. You might get a benefit here and there but I would guess the cons grossly outweigh. (Buttoning up shirts, cat calls, shopping crises.)

B you don't have to work out. You don't. Because no one HAS to work out and a lot of people don't. But you are doin it. You're out there on the Lake Michigan Trail plodding along tryna stay in some kinda shape just because it's good for you and you want to be healthy for yourself, friends, and family.

It is so easy to not work out. You can be halfway out the door for a jog and then hear an episode of Fraiser coming on and it's curtains for those calories. But you, you busty lady you, you have strength I do not have. You got around all of life's usual distraction AND your own massive enemies. If I was gearing up and part of my outfit was a steel-cut brassiere that is still gonna give way to my unbearable chest, practically breaking my back with every hop but simultaneously cutting into my mid-waist fat because it's trying to hold things together, I would straight up never ever workout.

So cheers, ma'ams. You are my heroes.

Adventures in Gym Class: Part I

After the marathon I wanted a change from running. April 1st I purchased a month group fitness pass at the university gym. It's been an experience.

-My first step class I was told, "This is really an advanced step class..." I thanked the instructor, but I knew I could keep up. How tired could one get from merely stepping up and down on an itty platform? UM, A LOT TIRED. Also, so so confused. Like, how do full-on Britney Spears backup dances happen in a 50 minute step class?! Several times in the routine I completely lost the choreography and just marched in place.

-There is a Mennonite girl who takes Zumba with me. If you don't know about Zumba, it is Latin hip-hop cardio. Lots of hips. Ol' Menny busts it out like the rest of us--except instead of booty shorts, she's wagging a huge tan floor-length skirt.

-I've come to really love Step now that I have the basics down pat. It's a workout for the body and mind because you have to continually remember the combos while doing them. I like running to unwind, to clear my head, but this is a different type of head-clearing. Nothing in the world can possibly pop in the noodle when I'm rocking-horsing like a champion. It makes me sad these types of exercise are seen as "girly" and stupid because they're actually challenging in a completely different way than lifting weights (for example). More Dudes in Step Classes 2014.

-My fave class is Boot Scoot. Yeah, that's the real title. It's aerobic country line dancing, AND IT IS GLORIOUS. Apparently this opinion is not widespread because sometimes I am the only person in class. Besides the retarded man who sometimes joins, talking nonstop to himself as "Wagon Wheel" blares and I try not to grapevine into him.

Star Cactus

AZ. 2012.

I got nothin'. So, a list:

Good Stuff Today:
-The Biggest Loser & a Bob Harper workout.
-Pitching ideas.
-Working with two women who are genuinely having fun with my new play and who are also very talented.
-Being able to give sincere compliments to people whose art I admire.
-When you think about theatre the day after you see it.
-Pasties with improv friendos.
-Biking in the sun.
-Communication with familia.
-The Internet. Hello research.
-Muff in two weeks.

Every Penny Pithy Thing

And I promise it will feel like this,
no matter how bad things seem,
I can promise you this:

That when it rains at the end of February, you will feel the life churning in the grass below you.
You will taste the water, and you will know Better is on its way.
That when you work with your own body, and get very quiet, and sit very still,
it will tell you what it needs.
Maybe even a bag of sea salt potato chips at 11:30 PM.
That when you pinch other people's comfort with your OCD tendencies,
if they love you, they will calm down enough to listen and to try to understand,
and to say It's Okay and not let it spoil the Sunday goat cheese crepes.
That love is blind, and work gets done, and you can eat twenty-five cookies
in one night
and you don't have to feel sick.

And no matter how good things seem,
I can promise you this:

That there is too much butter in the bowl.
That you might have to rush some things.
That you won't really ever know if it's "working out" the way you intended it to "work out."
That people don't always say Goodbye.
That you're always going to be an idiot about something.

But, still, I'll accept it all--every penny pithy thing--
for the wind outside, threatening to become a tornado.

Working It Out

Last spring, in Portland, Clara told me, "I am inherently against exercise. Ideally my life would be active enough on its own." I...agree? Not really. I would prefer to do some treadmill time at my own leisure instead of working in a lumber yard. But, today, I literally laughed out loud while rounding out Workout 2 of the 30-Day Shred.

I was watching the fitness ladies demonstrating the squat rows and realized that I was doing the same thing--even if I couldn't see myself. I do feel good after these little DVD work-outs, but they are so random. When I run or swim, that feels like I am gaining some real skill and doing something--even if I'm ultimately not really. But, picking up a little chunk of metal in different positions, jumping around, sinking my knees, standing back up...isn't that funny? Yeah, I get that I am gaining muscle and gaining some real skill in terms of overall strength and health...but for a minute I was thinking "I am so much better at the military press than I was a week ago!" before I remember that that is not a marketable skill of any kind.

Does this all make sense? You get it.

I miss the feeling of feeling.

Fear Fitness & G-Chat with Clara

I'm kind of in a stand-off with Jillian Michaels. She doesn't know this--obvi. But, I'm miffed, you guys. Jillian hooked me with this neat program called "30 Day Shred" (which I keep accidentally calling "30 Day Shed"). I like it. I ran all summer (as that is the only exercise available when you live in a cabin in the pines), and my body was yearning for something else. I started borrowing my sister's DVD of this handy 20 minute workout that ran me ragged--a perfect plan for starting a new job. It's a small time-commitment and makes me feel balanced.

HOWEVER, the system has three levels you are supposed to move through. After ten days of Level One, today I tried Level Two. It was harder, but a good workout--a nice change BUT THEN JILLIAN STARTED MIXING HER "YOU CAN DO IT"S WITH LOTS AND LOTS OF FEAR-BASED COMMENTS. While on the strength section she prompted me to remember buying jeans and swimsuits. She pointed several times to the demonstrating ladies and commented on how much abs like that are worth ("Everything!")

Fear does not belong in education. It just doesn't. I mean, it doesn't belong anywhere besides the Scream trilogy. But, it especially does not belong in the dang comfort of my own home when I'm just trying to get my heart happy. GD.

Clara with some eggs from her chickens, 2009


clara: i'm going to a naked lady party
that starts in like five minutes
me: You're going naked???
clara: well, no
naked lady like "bring the clothes you don't want anymore and we'll swap!" party
but i could potentially get naked at any point
this is true 100% of the time

My Beefs

1. When people refer to the central idea or problem as "the meat." "The meat of the story..." etc. Lame. Let's try to get rid of meat, not say it's important. The "meat" of a meal doesn't have to be meat. We can say "The main course of the story"?

2. Just tried the 30 Day Shred yesterday with Jillian Michaels. It was very enjoyable, and I even feel a lil sore! I have a theory that only NBC is actually marketing Jillian as America's hottest woman/toughest lady because...she's obviously fit, but I don't think she's that hott. The video starts with her being like, "I guess you've heard I'm the toughest trainer ever." From who has that been spread besides her? The oldest trick in the book.

3. Still patiently awaiting being settled. My dad gave me some good advice saying--nothing ever feels right at first. Sad, but I found it true. The beginning just feels weird, different, because it is. It's a beginning. He explained moving into his new apartment years ago with only a book and a sleeping bag. Now, that would be weird, but now he is so happy. So...SO!


Come back Muff, 3/10

But I'm still loco enough to choke you to death with a Charleston Chew.

Hulkin'

Between swimming, weights, and my kickboxing DVD, my biceps have gotten sizably plumper.
Tonight at our dress rehearsal I flexed during the finale dance, and my sleeves busted. Not even joking.


Mr. Donut, Kyoto, 2008

So take a good look at my face,
You'll see my smile seems out of place,
If you look closer it's easy to trace the tracts of my tears.

*photo has nothing to do with update--I am just hungry