Rejection: Part V (Via The Avett Brothers)

"If you're loved, then you're never rejected."

Blackfish Is the Smartest Dumb Thing

Everyone loves Blackfish. Every. Single. Person. It's a well-made doc, it's streaming on Netflix, and it brings out everyone's inner activist. And our inner activist is a good person who we like! But also our inner activist is annoying because our inner activist makes us go out of our way to be that good person. It's always totally worth it, but we forget and stuff!

Blackfish's genius is twofold:

1. It's the least controversial concept ever. Literally no one is on the other side of "Hmm, should we made happy and free whales insane for our lame enjoyment?" You can argue animals don't deserve rights, but you're not gonna argue against flat out cruelty and shady biz. You're just not. So, unlike many powerful documentaries, everyone can agree on it's message. You can bring up Blackfish to any race, creed, politically affiliated person, and everyone's on the same page. And that feels nice. We like to agree!

2. In order to "support the cause" you literally don't have to do anything. To be on the "right" side of the issue you just have to not go to an expensive theme park.

So, like, this explains why people don't freak out with love about Food Inc.? Because doing things is, like, too much! BUT, I just want to say that ACTUALLY being a vegetarian is ALSO just a lack of doing something! Just don't eat meat, y'all. If you'd be bummed about a sad whale, imagine a piglet?

I swear the meat industry has hypnotized our entire culture to forget everything we ever learn about animal processing. I was on the PETA website yesterday to find a rude/true fact I could post under Shells' Instagram of a sausage pizza. Maybe with an emoji pig idk...and I got so sucked in. The hard cold facts are just so sad. Pigs are smarter than dogs. Many never stand in their lives--crammed into steel cages. They are born and murdered in fear. I decide to dedicate my life to the cause and then five minutes later I'm just Googling the cast of Full House. Again.

This is why I'm glad to be a veg. I do forget how bad it is, but when I remember I'm able to wipe my brow and be like, "Oh yeah, I'm not supporting it. Thank goodness." Of course, I'm still not a vegan. #Guilt But, I make steps. I think about it. When I remember to.

Last night, pretty shortly after I had just been sucked into PETA-land, Ro came home and announced a bird had fallen from a tree onto the hood of her car. The little thing was puffy and grey, heaving like mad, cold and impaired. It was heart-breaking. As it was Sunday night we figured the lil baby was going to die before we could get it to a wildlife refuge today. We decided the least we could do is keep it warm as it passed, so I got out a shoebox and some berries. I put on gloves to handle the bird, but when we went back outside it was on the ground. When we approached it shot up and flew in a circle--clearly still injured. But at that point we were just scaring it, so we wished it well as it nestled into a bush.

I don't love animals.* I really don't. It takes me a long time to form an appreciative bond with them. I don't just see humans and decide to be ga-ga over them. Same for kittens. But for how heavy my heart was in the ten minutes I thought about that bird withering away in the night alone, you'd think it was my human child. And that's just nature.

Ro and I sat at the kitchen table with bird care webpages open. I asked, "After something like that..how does anyone eat animals? Literally all animals in factories are tortured in some way." She kind of grimaced and said, "Well, that bird wasn't raised to be eaten. Those animals were." And I sort of laugh/shrugged. "Like slaves you mean? Like how slaves' purpose in the United States were just to serve, so they were treated terribly?" We laughed. Not because slavery is funny, and I'm not directly comparing animals to slaves. I understand one is human and one isn't...but I can't understand that there is much of a difference in matters of cruelty.

South Carolina swine.

Live like a Pharaoh, sing like a sparrow.

*Except I do lose my brains for bats. Man, bats are cool.

Truly Excited!

My beautiful friend Trelly is ENGAGED!
While engagement is horrifying for me personally, I am SO EXCITED for her.
Plus, weddings are built-in reunions with people you love. I kind of wish it weren't over a year away. But, perhaps the wait makes it all the more sweet.



Congrats. Congrats. Congrats on love.

No longer do we wonder
if we're together.
We're way passed that,
and I've already asked her.
So, in January we're gettin' married.

It's Hard for More People Than You Think

Beautiful people. October 2010.

I think it's really important that people understand It's Hard for More People Than You Think. I think frequently we look at our vices and say, "I really can't help it. I realize not everyone struggles with this, but it's probably easier for them." Well, probably not true. Or, probably at one point wasn't true.

I was talking with someone about drug addiction the other day, and this came up. It's hard to reason with someone addicted to substances because often they think, "Yeah, but you can't understand. You're not attracted to this!" When really...lots of people who don't do drugs are attracted to them. Hoards really. They just abstain because they are also attracted to other things. Like maintaining their health and safety, for example.

I used to think "Yeah, but it's not hard for you" when it came to exercise. I just didn't get it, and it was really hard for me to do it. Then, I nibbled away at the concept of physical activity, and now I love it. And I think some people could look at me running my little legs off and say, "Yeah, but its not hard for you." But, 1. Sometimes it still is. If I push myself, or if I'm tired, or if I'm bored. And, 2. It's only not as hard because it used to be. And I worked on it.

It's just a small example, but this is a concept we can all be more aware of. When we see a super peppy hostess--don't think, "But it's easy for her." When we see talented musicians, informed politicians, all the good grains of the earth, know it is all there for us under the surface of our "Yeah, but it's easy for you"s and "But you don't get it"s.

I haven't finished a thing since I started my life. Don't feel much like starting now.
Walking out lonely has worked like a charm--I'm the only one I have to let down.
But
watching you
makes me think that that is wrong.

Shine

Manta ray from Monterey

Last night the eight actors tried to work our scenes in the hotel conference room. It was occupied by another bunch with the same idea. We waited patiently in the hall. Then, we waited. Then, we waited and yelled "DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG ITS BEEN?" to each other--hoping the noise carried through walls

The others weren't budging. We scuffled into the exercise room. Three machines in a teeny space. We each took up spaces--Stripes stood on the treadmill. I sat in one foot of the elliptical, others were cross-legged against the mirror. We did our scenes indeed. Two at a time in near the door where there was just enough space for minor movement. And they were real!

We crouched and bumped our bodies into the stationary bike, but we were all there, really seeing it. I believed I was in a bar with some bratty women, on the edge of Central Park Lake, the fugitive's home, and even in my own scene--the airport terminal. My husband came home without his arm. My husband.

I miss it.
I miss it.
Oh, I miss that feeling of feeling.

Compromising My Values

Alice doesn't buy Nike products.
Nike employs children in its sweatshops.

Alice's feet are bonked.
She has barely an arch at all.

When Alice runs in running shoes, she feels okay.
When Alice runs more than a few miles, her feet get torn up.

Alice is training for a half or full marathon. TBD.
Alice's feet in usual shoes are not so happy.

Alice found a pair of shoes that will not give her grief!
...They are made by Nike.


Turkey Trot, Photo by Pookie, 2010

Today I may compromise my values. Rats.

I wanna fit in to the perfect space,
feel natural and safe in a volatile place.
And I wanna grow old without the pain,
give my body back to the earth and not complain.

Working It Out

Last spring, in Portland, Clara told me, "I am inherently against exercise. Ideally my life would be active enough on its own." I...agree? Not really. I would prefer to do some treadmill time at my own leisure instead of working in a lumber yard. But, today, I literally laughed out loud while rounding out Workout 2 of the 30-Day Shred.

I was watching the fitness ladies demonstrating the squat rows and realized that I was doing the same thing--even if I couldn't see myself. I do feel good after these little DVD work-outs, but they are so random. When I run or swim, that feels like I am gaining some real skill and doing something--even if I'm ultimately not really. But, picking up a little chunk of metal in different positions, jumping around, sinking my knees, standing back up...isn't that funny? Yeah, I get that I am gaining muscle and gaining some real skill in terms of overall strength and health...but for a minute I was thinking "I am so much better at the military press than I was a week ago!" before I remember that that is not a marketable skill of any kind.

Does this all make sense? You get it.

I miss the feeling of feeling.

In Light

Final Council Fire, 2010

I am so filled with love right now. The universe hasn't aligned and all my problems haven't been solved, but I still feel full of love. I'm not sure what it is. It's not The Avetts--who I just saw. They were good, but that wasn't it. It might be a mix of the perfect FroYo, eating it with Pookie, driving along the Mississip.

I know we are supposed to retort "And why not?" Why not be full of love every minute. I mean, I know, Why Not? But also, I know why not--'cos sometimes we're unhappy and sometimes there's a lot more than there is or a lot less than there needs to be is Why Not. But. Not now.

I try to hold on--onto the buttery reigns--even for just a few minutes, a few days. I can't take it with me it seems. I'm bulging at my seams.

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I'm frightened by those who don't see it

When nothing is old, deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it.

There was a dream
One day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage a broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid, with a head full of doubt
So I scream till I die and don't ask for those bad thoughts to find me out

There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell you what's wrong and what's right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I'm frightened by those who don't see it