Finals Tradition

Every spring of grad school, the night I complete my grading, I go swimming, sit in the hot tub, cook mac & cheese, and eat a huge Reeses's product over a TV show I have been saving for the celebratory occasion.

I took this photo after I had eaten Kraft pumpkin-shaped mac, watched Girls, and consumed a rabbit. I was noting how full I felt, and also my tan lines from sunning with my finals notes.

Last year. Velveeta Shells & Cheese, half-price Reese's egg, SNL.

Tuesday. Annie's Organic Cheddar Mac, full-price Reese's egg, Mad Men. I don't live in the condo with the pool anymore, so I snuck in. 

I look different in each because I am.

I watch the ripples change their size,

but never leave the stream.

Red Envelopes

So many young men have crumpled

backs from the wind,

clomping through Harvard Square holding

paper-wrapped bouquets.

Bisque points to a guy middle-age

outside the taco shop

penning a card.

"Last minute," he says

because his letter to me (the one with the s'more on it--

'I love you s'more every day')

is in his backpack

sealed, ready

for our date.

On Wednesday he left a vase of roses and

Reese's Cups on my kitchen table.

A tiny potted ivy for Ro. A pink flower for Rora.

Over high-end hazelnut cocoa

we hold hands.

We haven't been all day because there are children

to lasso. But they're all off

in the slushy streets. Doing

their own

stuff.

So we hold hands and we exchange red envelopes

(mine for him, two peanuts hugging)

with messages that sound

the same.

Every day is a better day.

The ultimate Valentine.

A Photo I Wish I Had

Ro and I sitting on my front porch at night. A basket between us. Cartoon chicks on the edges. Pink handle. She's smoking a cigarette. I'm nibbling at a tiny coated peanut butter egg.

(Insert.)

If I Were a Rich Girl YadaDadadadadadadadaDUM

Yesterday I had dinner with some friends from the South Loop of Chicago. They have this balcony that overlooks a kitchy old watertower, and a tiny garden, and clean sidewalks surrounding their front gate, and as I drove away I realized they could bike to Buckingham Fountain or walk to the beach or just trot on up the Magnificent Mile. I mean, okay, granted, yesterday was a really beautiful May day, so I could have probably looked at a roach in the proper light and found a sort of perfection, but f'real, I just fell in love with their home, and I had a thought that is very foreign to me:

I want to be very rich.

Pookie's first morning on her AZ visit. She woke up, and I handed her an envelope dad had sent us. It was stuffed fulla 2s.

I never wish to be rich. In fact, a lot of the time I actually thank God I am NOT very rich because I feel like I personally would have a lot of guilt-based issues if I were very rich. I already DO have a lot of guilt-based issues and I am kind of the antithesis of very rich. Still, its a lot of wear and tear on my Jimminy Cricket that I have to wonder if I hadn't ordered the 60 cent almond flavoring for my coffee last night, if I would have had a dollar for that homeless man across the street from the funeral parlor and Too Much Light theatre.

Also, I never think about being very rich because the things I generally really want don't require me to be so. You probably think I mean, like, love or something, but I really just mean that Reese's cups cost a dollar. ALSO, I never think about being very rich because it's just not bloody likely. Look at me. I'm getting a degree in playwriting. Pfft, yeah, OHKAY, I think I'll count my millions in the next lifetime.

But, yesterday, walking through the park of little yuppy kids of this fancypants neighborhood on their Cars 2 bikes, I did want to be very rich. I get it.

See, I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl.

The Beyonce Cleanse

A week ago I began the Master Cleanse (AKA The Beyonce Cleanse AKA The Lemonade Cleanse). If you haven't heard of this via Kelly Kapoor, it is a diet regimen that is meant to detox your system. Beyonce famously did it for two weeks to prepare for her role in Dreamgirls.

The Cleanse:
You drink a "lemonade" of lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup 6 times a day.
You also drink laxative peppermint tea before bed and green tea in the morning.

When I began the cleanse, I told myself if I didn't feel good at any point, I would stop. I honestly didn't know if I would get past one day, but I wanted to try it out. It's been a wild school year, and at the end of every big adventure I like to detox everything. This week, besides Beyoncing I've been meditating daily, deep cleaning my bathroom, sorting old files, etc. You know. Getting refreshed! People sometimes try to use this cleanse for weight loss, but doing it for a week has probably lost me a pound or two (although I wouldn't know since I don't ever weigh myself), but I'm sure as soon as I put something solid in my body,  I'll return to normal. So, I'm not measuring the success of this diet by how I have changed externally--more how it's effected me internally.

Notes on the Experience:
-Deprivation. This cleanse supposedly resets your taste buds to be more in line with your body. IE--no more desire for foods we wouldn't naturally want. At first this was SO WRONG. Day Three was my only day of real hunger, and I spent literally hours of the day looking at restaurant menus and recipes online. But, now, Day Seven, that desire is gone. I'm not hungry really at all. I mean, yeah, food sounds good. I miss chewing. But, if I had to eat something, I'd opt for a piece of bread--not the Reese's Cookie Explosion Brownies that glowed from my computer screen four days ago.
     Two Schools of Thought: 1. Deprivation just makes you want it more. Or 2. Deprivation gets you back on track with what you ACTUALLY want.
-Being Social. I was asked out to dinner this week. Couldn't go. I'm not in school, so I am free as a birdy, and I've seen friends, but I know I'd be seeing them MUCH more if I were eating. HOWEVER, I DID attend my friend JD's graduation dinner. Oh. It was super glam. Pre-set menus, JD's parents footing the bill, ARTICHOKE PASTA, CHOCOLATE MOUSSE TORTE. I just drank water and watched the five courses spin around me. While that might sound like hell, it really wasn't bad.
     1. It's usually difficult to abstain from things we want when they are presented to us. But, I thought, we can get them basically any time. Like, yeah, I wanted that torte, but next week I can make that torte and eat it breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I wouldn't even WANT that, but I COULD. In just a week. Why feel like the world is going to collapse because I can't have it RIGHT NOW? There will always be more to come, you know?
     2. This was the most focused I've been on other people during a meal in a really long time. I never considered how much eating while socializing tears my concentration. Obviously, eating is social, so I'm still going to eat and socialize, but I feel much more aware of first being attentive to people second to my food.
-Good Feeling. I've spent so much time on the couch since finals ended. It's glorious. I did the exact thing last year--on Pookie's couch. I flopped for days watching Netflix, but the difference? I also ate bowl after bowl of ice cream and crackers. I ended up feeling so sluggish. It's been nice to relax while energized. But, of course, I'm happy to stop drinking that nasty potion.
-Cheap. Nothing pads your wallet like surviving on some lemons and a bottle of syrup for a week.

There's probably more, but that's what stands out. Overall, I'm glad I tried this. I do feel bouncier, fresher. I mean, the toxins have really been flushed out of my body. Amped to ease back into food!

Can't Complain

The moon looks like the moons I drew in elementary school. A thick "C" next to one extremely bright dot of light. A planet. I was on my back in the pool after a full day.

I woke up at 6 to review my Theory notes. I also jumped with Jillian Michaels and made two mugs of soy hot cocoa with honey.

At 11:45 my hardest final was over, and I felt like taking a long walk. And also like grabbing my professor by the collar and saying, "Look. I studied Worthen's concept of producing an audience via realism really hard, and I had some pretty great applications to Marsha Norman's work, so even though the essay questions you ended up giving me weren't about that, you're gonna sit here and LISTEN TO MY IDEAS, BUDDY." But, I had to TA. Which I did.

And then I went to work for hours, and I still could not focus from final nerves. So, I biked home knowing I was destined for the water in the darkness. And after, with a slick bun and smeared eye makeup, I made a bowl of pasta, and I watched Girls, and I ate a Reese's rabbit*, and I'm thinking this is a pretty good life, you guys. I spend all my time thinking about things I find interesting and trying to help other people and trying to make stuff and listening to good music and moving my body in cool ways and consuming delicious things. I really can't complain. That's not a euphemism for, "Things are okay, but--" No. I really can't complain. To complain from my top story room in my white condo in the most beautiful climate in the world as I drink fresh water from my pink Camelback would be absurd. I can't. I can't complain.


Truck stop on the way home from LA/Fracus last week. Shellzor.

*I have been a successful vegan this month**, but I made a deal with myself that I would eat that Reese rabbit my mom sent me for Easter the day of my Theory final, which was supposed to be May 1st, but it was pushed back to today. So. Boop.
**Only one week left y'all!

I MISS VIRGINIA

It's been a great afternoon. Sincerely. Chelle greeted me at the airport with breakfast burritos stuffed with potatoes and pinto beans. Green sauce. We laughed these giant laughs and cast our nets far in the catch-up game.

I snuggled into bed eating the Reese's eggs Muff had decorated my guest room with. Trying to inch closer to Richmond. Super sunny here--I swam in the pool because I have one. My elementary school self would gasp at the idea that I don't jump in this body of clear water at least once a day, every day.

But, oh, I unpacked my suitcase and a tiny note "Love you so much" unearthed itself. Oh, just less than 24 hours ago I was in that white living room with one lamp on in Virginia, eating Spring Oreos with these PEOPLE, these LOVING PEOPLE. Oh, I suppose there are far worse fates to love so many people from so many different places, that no matter where you go, you're missing someone.


Hosts with the mosts.


Besties. Old Roommates. Love.


Cherry blossoms on the ground.

I mean, there are worse fates, but right now, I miss my dear friends.

I'm not drowning. There's no one here to save.