City of Nightmares

It's been almost five unofficial years here. And I LIKE IT OKAY. But I do not love it and fear I never will.

It's March 1st. The last couple weeks of February were challenging, and I had a bad attitude. PP is in town briefly in the midst of her whirlwind tour. Her star is rising, and I couldn't be happier for her. But I'm busy too. We carve out exactly one hour to catch up. I'm too aware of this and dive right into all of my angst. My oat milk cappuccino quivering as I grip the table. I express how dramatic I know I sound, but how distressed I feel! Both are true! Much later she texts me: "And I am sorry you are going through this moment of extremely warranted anger and also I know that there are so many good exciting things coming for you."

Last night Puhg and I bailed on the second half of The Secret Garden. We had great seats, but were so bored. We'd preordered intermission ginger beer so we drank it on the patio clobbering the writing in the drizzle before driving home. "Tomorrow is March!" I announced, "I'll have a good attitude in March and use my moisturizer every day and not be on my phone before ten!"

It's 11:42. I woke up early, journaled, read, haven't been on my phone yet. I did a dance workout, I MOISTURIZED, went to my writers' group. I decided to really put a spring in a my step and do some writing at a cafe. But there was street cleaning where I usually park. And wouldn't you know, after several circles, there simply was no where to park in what seemed like the entire neighborhood. I was determined not to complain, but I also did change my mind--actually my second favorite cafe is where I'm supposed to be. I feel so personally attacked by LA. Like even getting coffee is a reminder there's no room for me here. And what's even worse is while I'm in my feud with this place, she doesn't even know who I am.

So now I'm here. After paying for parking and dodging rude drivers and having too many internal conversations about which unhoused people I should or should not try to pass a dollar to with my special little caramel cold brew and fruit and nut toast I've already wolfed and I am HAVING A GOOD ATTITUDE!

Can't Complain

The moon looks like the moons I drew in elementary school. A thick "C" next to one extremely bright dot of light. A planet. I was on my back in the pool after a full day.

I woke up at 6 to review my Theory notes. I also jumped with Jillian Michaels and made two mugs of soy hot cocoa with honey.

At 11:45 my hardest final was over, and I felt like taking a long walk. And also like grabbing my professor by the collar and saying, "Look. I studied Worthen's concept of producing an audience via realism really hard, and I had some pretty great applications to Marsha Norman's work, so even though the essay questions you ended up giving me weren't about that, you're gonna sit here and LISTEN TO MY IDEAS, BUDDY." But, I had to TA. Which I did.

And then I went to work for hours, and I still could not focus from final nerves. So, I biked home knowing I was destined for the water in the darkness. And after, with a slick bun and smeared eye makeup, I made a bowl of pasta, and I watched Girls, and I ate a Reese's rabbit*, and I'm thinking this is a pretty good life, you guys. I spend all my time thinking about things I find interesting and trying to help other people and trying to make stuff and listening to good music and moving my body in cool ways and consuming delicious things. I really can't complain. That's not a euphemism for, "Things are okay, but--" No. I really can't complain. To complain from my top story room in my white condo in the most beautiful climate in the world as I drink fresh water from my pink Camelback would be absurd. I can't. I can't complain.


Truck stop on the way home from LA/Fracus last week. Shellzor.

*I have been a successful vegan this month**, but I made a deal with myself that I would eat that Reese rabbit my mom sent me for Easter the day of my Theory final, which was supposed to be May 1st, but it was pushed back to today. So. Boop.
**Only one week left y'all!