1,000

This is my 1,000th post on this blog! Wow.

Chicago Bean. September 2012.

“You are not just here to fill space or be a background character in someone else's movie. Consider this: nothing would be the same if you did not exist. Every place you have ever been and everyone you have ever spoken to would be different without you. We are all connected, and we are all affected by the decisions and even the existence of those around us.” --David Niven

My Family Weighs In On Aforementioned Dream

"To: Alice
Re: Dream 8.25
Cheese and crackers, Kid!
We need upbeat stuff!
Dad
P.S. The summer camp trip ruse my yet come true."
-Char

"What a sad dream! Hope your waking hours are happy! Glad I wasn't in the posse locking you up! But then again, I guess I wasn't there to rescue you."
(followed by a ton of emoji--like mother like daughter)
-AStanSr

"Just read your blog. Chilling.
Also had a dream where I was in our old house last night."

-Pookie

My sister and me in our childhood yard. 1992?

Making Dreams Come True

It's a double-edged sword not having a dream.

Was talking with a friend a few summers ago, and she kept referring to her future children in a factual sense. "So, you definitely want kids." I surmised. She nodded and I told her she'd be a good mom (she would). She looked down into her lap, paused, then said, "It's scary. What if I never meet the right person?" It was the first time I had considered the fear associated with having a dream. I thanked the Maine stars above us that as a gal without strong maternal instinct, I'll never feel that pressure.

We are bathed in "live your dream" and "shoot for the moon" posters in elementary school, but I know a guy who's dream was to be a pro tennis player. And at age 22, he wasn't. And, guess what? That's when you're in the best shape of your life. Dream deferred? Nah, dawg, game over.

I give thanks for my spiritual education that has taught me to seek treasures in heaven instead of the flesh. What we do is just stuff. It's who we are and how we love that fill the pitcher full. But.

Friday I told my sister how I revisited my high school blog recently and how comical my life goals were when I was 15:

"Seven things to do before death( these all are very difficult to actually accomplish)

1) find out what deja vu is

2) fall in love

3) be on SNL

4) go to state in speech or group interp

5) paint a pretty picture

6) look really hott for something important*

7) eat an entire box of chocolate while watching my favorite movies"

Embarrassing/hilarious. But, at least I'm 6 for 7...subjectively.* I mean, obviously there's one goal here that doesn't quite fit in with the others in terms of ease/lack therof...

Pookie exclaimed, "Do it! Go be on SNL!" But, one, that's not something you can just do. Two, there are formal steps I could be taking to improve my chances, but I'm not in an appropriate location for that, and I'm not going to drop out of school. And, THREE, I don't actually think that's my dream job anymore. I really don't. Each passing year edges me closer to page and further from stage. I'm no longer a performer who writes. I'm a writer who performs. Probably in terms of talent, surely in terms of preference.

There are some things I can do to keep poking at the possibility of New York sketch comedy in my future. (Oh, that's a whole other thing. I don't want to live in New York!) I can keep writing sketch (I've been distracted this semester by major focus on my newest play). I can do more stand-up. (But, it stresses me out, and it often interferes with my grading routine.)

It's not an end-all, be-all dream, so I 'm not too concerned with making end-all, be-all strides in that direction. Maybe I want to be a classroom educator forever! Maybe an English teacher! But, wait, my resume is thin. I don't have time for more English classes so I can take more writing classes.

Maybe my biggest dream is writing the Great American Play? Doubtful though. Since I'd rather go to improv rehearsal than do rewrites. It's this horrid cycle of having several key interests and no dreams. On one hand, if I have no dream, my dream can never be crushed. On the other hand, I am a hard worker and an officious person, so right now without one clear focus, I pour over lectures to give my students and don't sleep in order to edit new scenes and only break from grading long enough to show up early to improv rehearsal. Since I don't know where I'm going, every single step is make or break. You might think, "That doesn't sound so bad. We should strive to do everything well." And I agree, but doing everything you do well is different than plain doing everything. And I know this was long to read, but I've been up for hours writing and I can't even tell you why.

Hey now, hey now. This is what dreams are made of.

Successes & Failures of Saturday

Success: Waking up at 6:30 on a Saturday to read and exercise.
Failure: Did a half-aced job of a Jillian Michaels work-out like twenty minutes before I had to run out the door because I spent the previous two hours answering e-mails. And not reading.
Success: Feeling positive about the play call-back I went to this AM.
Failure: If I get cast, my life will implode. I do not have time for this ish.
Success: Doing my laundry this afternoon.
Failure: Not grading a single paper all afternoon.
Success: Grocery shopping supes efficiently, so I can finish all my new play edits tonight.
Failure: Stopping in at a rando bakery to snoop/waste time.
Success: Lady gives me a free cream puff. And it's legit. Plus, still plenty of time to do my work.
Failure: Accepting dinner invite from Ro.
Success: A delightful meal of good conversation, glass noodles, and Thai iced tea.
Failure: I have dinner plans with Pinto for later. Boop.
Success: Very joy-filled day.
Failure: Do I need to say this again? I have done zero reading, writing, or grading for the entirety of today. Good job, me.
Success: I have three hours before I head out again.
Failure: I'm writing on my blog. So.

PSA: Five Weeks Of Sketchy Entries

Hey y'all! Tomorrow I leave to work at summer camp for just over a month. I may periodically update this here blog, but I only have 18 hours of time off per week. So.

I'll leave you with this--the happiest picture I've ever seen.

I wish I were hyperbolizing, when I say I have looked at this photo roughly 100 times per day over the past week (when I found it on da interwebz).

LATER DAYS!

CT05 Trip 2KX+1

Me & Slou, December 2010

Hey, Dudes:

Tonight Wizzy and Slou made it into town. We went out for Italian, and I used my napkin to mop of pizza grease while the za was still supes hot. So there was a light layer of paper on top of the cheese that could not be separated! It was either lose the napkin bits and the cheese or just go with the slight garnish of paper.

I went with eating paper.

I swear I could not even tell the difference! Nevertheless, Slou cracked up when the waitress asked how my pizza was while eyeing it suspiciously.

The point of the story is that we're all hitting the road at 5 AM tomorrow for our lady trip of the year, and I am not bringing my computer! And then I'm moving to Arizona! So...be patient, Alice Out Of Context lovers!

Love Yas!
Alice

Sophomore at Life (Warning: Reflective Navel-Gazing Ahead)

On Friday May 15, 2009, I had a little pub date with a college friend just finishing his first year out of school. I wrote about it on my old blog:

"I got to thinking a lot about my future. Promises about post-graduation to myself:
1. Continue education
2. Continue art
3. Make new local friends
4. Self-evaluate
5. Do things before responsibilities kick in"

Today is my first official day of unemployment. My contracts just ended Friday, and the summer will be a whirlwind of travel, planning, projects, and rebooting before I start graduate school. Overall, I am very pleased with how I handled my first year out of school. I have made lists (in my diary) of all the ways I grew, lessons I learned, opportunities I had because of what I chose to do with myself since I got my diploma.

When Facebook added that little empty box ("Write something about yourself.") my sister wrote "Write something about myself?! This whole dang page is about myself!" I thought that was very funny. Anyway, I realize this whole blog is about me, but for a moment I am going to celebrate my accomplishments. Without intention, I did a darn good job staying in line with the goals I set myself as a junior in college.

1. I audited two college classes, read three books on comedy and acting, and got on track for graduate school.
2. One musical, one big improv show, and a lot of little improv jams all year. Creative writing club, the St. Louis One-Act Festival, and ACTF with Huntie.
3. Being an improv teacher and getting involved with that community led to a bunch of new friendships--way deeper than I would have guessed when I started up with these comedy shenanigans. I am also sure if I were staying in the area I'd be keeping up with many more people I've met in the past few months. Interesting folk are everywhere.
4. My bosses didn't offer me a ton of feedback about my work, and I not only learned to self-evaluate, but enjoyed doing so.
5. Although I was highly-motivated and busy all year, I still acted like a 22-year old. I stayed up all night watching movies sometimes. I went on a Spring Break trip to the beach. I ate lots of cookies. I was poor and dressed like a hobo usually, but I occasionally splurged on stuff I didn't need (froyo, theatre, random Groupons). I spent a lot of time training for a marathon--no idea how working stiffs handle that schedule. I had house guests every other week.

Plus, lots of amazing things happened this year totally unrelated to my goals. Muff's marriage, getting to be with my sister, some enjoyable Chicago trips, learning so much about teaching, making an unexpected close friend (LC)...I guess what I mean to say is there's nothing inherently scary about leaving school.


Improv Cast, December 2010


LC & Me, May 2011

Basically: Just put your mind to it. It's not enough to be Good. You have GOT to refine and shine.

And, Look

...I'm sorry that last post was so dreadfully dull. I want to tell you
about the cloudy sunrise I naturally awoke for.
The morning alone on the balcony--counting waves, tracing footsteps, reading thin pages.
I want to tell you about some television magic
on the waterfront.
Familiar sweet cream and parking meters,
laughing to the heavens. But, it's not done yet, and I don't want to ruin it.
So, in time I think it will ooze out,
like the pus
from the round blister
on my left foot.

High Apple Pie in the Sky Hopes

photo by Mia

1. Had high hopes of updating this blog every day this month. But, then I remembered I'm going to ACTF next week and might not have internet. Thus, dreams splattered on the sidewalk.

2. When I was fourteen I loved the song "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World. I thought the chorus was

"It just takes some time.
Little girl you're in the middle
apple pie.
Everything everything will be alright."

3. When I started coaching speech I was overwhelmed by a surprising saddness. It wasn't nostalgia--more this huge hairy feeling that nothing is ever going to be planned for me anymore. I run around these tournaments making an activity happen for high schoolers, but nothing like that exists for me anymore, right? So wrong! I feel really good about this concept lately. Like not only is that not something to fear because I can make my own plans that are better than adults planning speech meets. I mean, step back and think about that. I was scared I wouldn't enjoy things as much as high school speech meets. Um. Crazytown called and wants their president back.

Today while I was sitting alone in a classroom waiting for students to come in with little prepared political speeches I was overwhelmed by the feeling that things are constantly being laid out for me--and with less stress and anguish than the busy speech adults must endure. Simple and good things are just plopping down in front of me. Falling from the sky like houses post-twister.

It's to Jimmy Eat World and those nights in my car,
when the first star you see may not be a star.
I'm not your star.
Isn't that what you said?
What you thought this song meant?

Spirited Away

On the morning of New Years Eve, Pookie started watching Spirited Away. I was about to go running, but I was stuck to my seat. Totally absorbed. My heart literally got heavier. I missed Japan so much. I know the right thing will happen with next year, but right now it feels like my whole body is yelping for Nihon. I even started reviewing my hiragana.


Mahji, Fukoi


Nac & Jamin*, Tsuwano


Grinz, Kyoto

*Jamin used to be referred to as Bradley on this blog. However, after the creation of Jamin/Bradley's fake name, I made a real friend with the name of Bradley who I also talk about on this blog...with a different name...Too confusing. So, now, forevermore I'm using Jamin' for my bestie once called Bradley.

You'll be saddened to know the train tracks you once walked as a young boy are now nothing more than a graveyard.

A-N-D-R-E-W

ganked from Mia--SoCo in STL just a few daysies ago

It's that time again. That time I think a lot about Andrew McMahon. By this time next week I'll have seen Andrew in concert for my 6th time--which really doesn't even feel like a lot. Anyway, I'm especially excited because this will be my first Something Corporate show. I mean, so what if I'll have to drive a couple hours out of the way in the middle of a very busy time (what starting a job what?)...Worth. It. Who knows if they'll ever be back together AGAIN.

Anyway, I started the creeping process, and, naturally, googled blogs that have mentioned Andrew, and what should I find but a photo blog featuring a couple old shots of Andy AND A TON OF SHOTS FROM THE EXACT LOCATION I JUST SPENT MY SUMMER UP IN BUFU MICHIGAN. Say who?


Kay and Cocoa on the dunes this summer

Maybe I do and maybe I don't, but I know I haven't yet.

F The Book

Vince & Me, Fall 2005

Shakily, I have made the choice to quit Facebook in a couple weeks. I have many many reasons, and not so many for staying.

Some of the biggest reasons I'm quitting:

-It's a time-suck.
-It's not so great for people to always be looking at other people's perfected and created 2-D versions of themselves and compare. I have done this openly by making fun of and judging others based on something as lame as Facebook and subconsciously by wondering if my life lives up to my peers' (while looking at photos of adventures or social events for example). I haven't been hugely affected because I think I'm a pretty confident gal, but I can see how after graduation when I am no longer surrounded by activities and people I love 24/7 this kind of behavior will wear on me.
-I'm a bit flustered by the new linking system. I don't want to be connected things, and I don't want ads to be part of my communication with loved ones.

Some of the biggest reasons I am concerned:

-Someone awesome from my past will not be able to reconnect with me (although I cannot think of anyone right now).
-I will miss seeing everyone's pictures. That's something I have always really appreciated about The Book--big ol' photo-swapping. I hope people will e-mail me/I will be more handy with my camera.
-I won't be invited to my HS reunions.

Ultimately, it is possible that I restart an account in the future. Heck, my dad HAD to get Facebook as a mandate from his work. Who knows? Regardless, if you read this linked from my FB you'd best bookmark or something because that's not going to be available in a week or so.

Bye, Bye, Birdie. It's awful hard to go.