Summer Before High School

Jimmy Eat World was always in my Discman. I wrote the lyrics on my arms. I wore my baby blue tee with wings on the back. The Princess Diaries trailers intrigued me. I loved the song that played. It was by Myra. It felt happy and hopeful and I liked this new Anne Hathaway chick. Fran promised not to see it until I was back from camp. I found the novel and read it hungrily in my cabin. My bunk was right next to Wizzy's. She would throw her towel into the rafters and swing on it to practice her pointe. I decorated a root beer bottle with magazine cut-outs. It was supposed to represent parts of me, and I would look at it when I was trying to fall asleep. The bold, "LET'S GO CRAZY" and the Britney Spears ad. My favorite shorts were light pink. I wore them the night I babysat for five kids. That night _____ had called my cell phone four times and hung up before finally staying on the line and asking if I wanted to see a movie. "Have you been calling and hanging up?" I asked. He responded too quickly No. But that fall in Honors Biology, by the microscopes, he told me the truth. He was already going out with ____ _______ by that time. I didn't know what to expect. I felt excited. The girls all swam at Peppermint's pool by day and watched American Pie 2 in her basement by night. We invited the boys, who would ride over on their bikes for Truth or Dare. Everyone liked everyone, but I was over the kids we knew. I was the worst student in the summer improv intensive. I never volunteered. I was too quiet to be heard. That one kid sat on my lap on the bus ride home from Second City. He said he'd get up when I had a conversation with him. I didn't. He did. No one spent any money. We were fridge-funded. I could never eat anyway because my braces hurt. I asked for red, white, and blue. There were so many graduation parties, but what did we even do at them? We were fourteen.

I don't need wings to help me fly.
Miracles happen once in a while when you believe.

High Apple Pie in the Sky Hopes

photo by Mia

1. Had high hopes of updating this blog every day this month. But, then I remembered I'm going to ACTF next week and might not have internet. Thus, dreams splattered on the sidewalk.

2. When I was fourteen I loved the song "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World. I thought the chorus was

"It just takes some time.
Little girl you're in the middle
apple pie.
Everything everything will be alright."

3. When I started coaching speech I was overwhelmed by a surprising saddness. It wasn't nostalgia--more this huge hairy feeling that nothing is ever going to be planned for me anymore. I run around these tournaments making an activity happen for high schoolers, but nothing like that exists for me anymore, right? So wrong! I feel really good about this concept lately. Like not only is that not something to fear because I can make my own plans that are better than adults planning speech meets. I mean, step back and think about that. I was scared I wouldn't enjoy things as much as high school speech meets. Um. Crazytown called and wants their president back.

Today while I was sitting alone in a classroom waiting for students to come in with little prepared political speeches I was overwhelmed by the feeling that things are constantly being laid out for me--and with less stress and anguish than the busy speech adults must endure. Simple and good things are just plopping down in front of me. Falling from the sky like houses post-twister.

It's to Jimmy Eat World and those nights in my car,
when the first star you see may not be a star.
I'm not your star.
Isn't that what you said?
What you thought this song meant?