G v G, Age 9

I'm not sure how you felt about your girlfriends growing up, but there was an intensity between mine. I did not form supportive bonds until I was probably in college. I loved my girlfriends, but we also hated each other. In hindsight, I don't know why I didn't question this more or even ask for help. Maybe because my tribe was still a tribe--despite having inward slashes? At the end of the day, we would still always be against other girl tribes (a whole different issue).

When I sniffled because I thought another girl was better at cheerleading than me, my mom said, "Well, she's a dog." Meaning, maybe she can do a backflip, but in ten years I would be beautiful and she would still be woof. I googled her two years ago to see if it was true. I don't blame my mom. It was her job to make me feel better, and in desperation that's what she landed on.

In middle school it was always someone's turn to be hated. I didn't mind this cycle because I had about six friends, so five weeks would be good and then one would be bad. That was okay odds. I had respite in my summer camp group, but there were weekly awards we all secretly hoped for, so? Once a girl in my bunk said she struggled with math. I told her I liked math and she said if I went to her school I'd probably have worse grades than her. When I was 17 one of my camp friends exploded at me yelling I always when were 12 I always purposely ate dessert slower than everyone else to make them feel bad. Ridiculous if it weren't true.

My gang was academically-driven, so we competed with grades and whispered when someone turned in homework late. We wanted to be the best. I'm trying to determine if the media influenced me in this way. I guess. It was always Christina vs. Britney never Christina & Britney. Betty v. Veronica. Most TV I watched didn't have girlfriends. Patti Mayonnaise. Rugrat Angelica. Spinelli. Lisa Simpson. They were loners. I read Betty Tasty and Tib or whatever those dumb books about growing up in the 1930s were. Samantha the American Girl had a friend, but she was mainly a metaphor for poverty. The Disney Princesses were loners.

Anyway, the world is different now? Frozen? Is Frozen saving us yet? Well. In improv class the students' favorite game is Four Corners. I stand in the middle of the room with my eyes closed, count to ten, and then call out a corner. Anyone in the corner is "out." I recover my eyes and repeat until one student remains: the new caller. So this Girl wins the round and excitedly stands in the middle of the room. After she counts to ten she spins around surveying the room with her eyes "closed" and then calls a corner. I ask her to put her hands over her eyes. She puts them up, gaping cracks between each finger. I let it happen. I watch her pick off the people she doesn't like corner by corner. Until its her best friend, someone she doesn't care about, and a boy I suspect she sort of likes. Her friend wiggles in excitement of potentially winning the game and then, boop, Girl chooses her corner. Best Friend Out. Girl poorly acts surprised and then tried very hard to hide a devilish little smile. I don't judge her. I remember feeling so horribly happy when I was hanging out with a group of girls I didn't know that well and they started making fun of one of my tribe. It was completely base--I'm better than her, but still so shameful. The Girl then proceeds to make the boy she likes win. He jumps around and screams, very proud of himself, announcing he is the best at this game.

On Knowing Everyone/Not Knowing Everyone

Everyone knew everyone at my teeny college.

Pros: felt like a community where everyone cares about you, friends everywhere, smiles
Cons: sometimes you don't want to be around people that know you...like after a break-up everyone knows exactly why your eyes are puffy

When I started my MFA, I really enjoyed taking advantage of being at the biggest school in the country (singing on my bike, looking like an unapologetic trashball). So, quickly I realized this is dangerous because even though I don't know 98% of the student population...I do run into that 2% sometimes. And sometimes it is when I am screeching 1999 Britney on the sidewalk. And some of that 2% are students. Now, I kinda try to keep it together.

Cut to this Wednesday. I was cutting it close on making it to my improv class. I had barely parked my scooter before I hopped off and scampered to the theatre. I passed a bunch of people, and an alarming amount were smirking?

I got to class and saw in the mirror 1. My bangs had been shocked by the wind of my commute. (Like the photo below.) 2. I thought I had been wearing sunglasses. Nope. I was actually wearing my goggles. All over campus.

So I guess, I wish someone had just told me: "Your bangs are whacked and you look like you're in the middle of a YMCA soccer game." But, I guess they don't know me--maybe I'm OCD and need goggles for fear of eye infection I DUNNO and neither do they. So, I guess, one point for knowing people.

Summer Before High School

Jimmy Eat World was always in my Discman. I wrote the lyrics on my arms. I wore my baby blue tee with wings on the back. The Princess Diaries trailers intrigued me. I loved the song that played. It was by Myra. It felt happy and hopeful and I liked this new Anne Hathaway chick. Fran promised not to see it until I was back from camp. I found the novel and read it hungrily in my cabin. My bunk was right next to Wizzy's. She would throw her towel into the rafters and swing on it to practice her pointe. I decorated a root beer bottle with magazine cut-outs. It was supposed to represent parts of me, and I would look at it when I was trying to fall asleep. The bold, "LET'S GO CRAZY" and the Britney Spears ad. My favorite shorts were light pink. I wore them the night I babysat for five kids. That night _____ had called my cell phone four times and hung up before finally staying on the line and asking if I wanted to see a movie. "Have you been calling and hanging up?" I asked. He responded too quickly No. But that fall in Honors Biology, by the microscopes, he told me the truth. He was already going out with ____ _______ by that time. I didn't know what to expect. I felt excited. The girls all swam at Peppermint's pool by day and watched American Pie 2 in her basement by night. We invited the boys, who would ride over on their bikes for Truth or Dare. Everyone liked everyone, but I was over the kids we knew. I was the worst student in the summer improv intensive. I never volunteered. I was too quiet to be heard. That one kid sat on my lap on the bus ride home from Second City. He said he'd get up when I had a conversation with him. I didn't. He did. No one spent any money. We were fridge-funded. I could never eat anyway because my braces hurt. I asked for red, white, and blue. There were so many graduation parties, but what did we even do at them? We were fourteen.

I don't need wings to help me fly.
Miracles happen once in a while when you believe.

20s

Spandex shorts in public. What. I'm not a professional yet. It's fine.
My new all-lady improv team sees Celeste and Jesse Forever.
I give 4 out of 5 stars and exactly 25 seconds of tears
because love is so hard.
It's 9 PM. We go to an empty park and run two sets.
We're at a middle school sleepover and my character gets her period.
I tell Bug my real menstruation began in 2002. A decade. I remember
at the time my life consisted of Poms practice, Britney's third album,
and preparation for dissecting a dogfish shark.
I looked up at the blue moon
and wondered if I would remember this night when I'm 34.
I still can't believe I'll be alive then.
I was up until 4 AM. I've also kept a diary for a decade,
and it's for nights like these. Decisions were made, self-contracted.
In the morning they were forgotten.
I do what Jillian Michaels tells me. I watch One Tree Hill.
What. It's sentimental. It's fine. I bike to a crummy
taco shop for a breakfast burrito.
Life is so good. Green sauce is so good. Refried beans are so good.
I am playing a troll in a friend's new play reading. It's not humiliating.
I'm young. I'm over it. I like how in a room of theatre people,
someone always starts soft shoe tapping.
And I like walking up and down the aisles at CVS
instead of going to a party. (Parties are a dime a dozen in your 20s.)
And I like coming home to an empty condo
with a brown paper package from Heart on the table.
He made me chocolate cinnamon shortbread cookies. Dinner.
I call a stranger about buying his scooter.
I dab acai clay face mask on.
Complain to my sister on IM about my scooter woes--dramatically.

POOKIE: I want your scoot crisis solved.

ME: MY LIFE IS A JOKE.

POOKIE: It's a funny one though.

And she's right.

I could go to sleep. Or I could stay up texting like a tween.

What. It's fine.

In 2022 I will think this girl is a freaking moron. I just took this picture yesterday, and already kind of think that girl is a moron.

Top down, on the strip.

I'm lookin' in the mirror and I'm checkin' out my lipstick.

Crossroads

In ten days, Slou and Wizzy will arrive here in Chicagoland, spend the night, and in the morning, we will go forth on a roadtrip to Michigan! We will meet Trelly and Dunt there, and we will do a lot of wonderful summer things like eat sundaes and swim in lakes and see nature! (SIDE: The fake names I give people on this blog seem reasonable until I string a bunch together, and then it sounds like my best gal pals are carnies.)


Slou. I know I use these pictures from last summer all the time, but I just think my friends are so beautiful.

See if you can figure out how the beginning of this conversation went down if I tell you the ending:

"In retrospect you are more Britney, but I don't want to be the trashy one...I just feel like we need to find a new road trip movie reference."--Slou

All I need is time, a moment that is mine, while I'm inbetween.