20s

Spandex shorts in public. What. I'm not a professional yet. It's fine.
My new all-lady improv team sees Celeste and Jesse Forever.
I give 4 out of 5 stars and exactly 25 seconds of tears
because love is so hard.
It's 9 PM. We go to an empty park and run two sets.
We're at a middle school sleepover and my character gets her period.
I tell Bug my real menstruation began in 2002. A decade. I remember
at the time my life consisted of Poms practice, Britney's third album,
and preparation for dissecting a dogfish shark.
I looked up at the blue moon
and wondered if I would remember this night when I'm 34.
I still can't believe I'll be alive then.
I was up until 4 AM. I've also kept a diary for a decade,
and it's for nights like these. Decisions were made, self-contracted.
In the morning they were forgotten.
I do what Jillian Michaels tells me. I watch One Tree Hill.
What. It's sentimental. It's fine. I bike to a crummy
taco shop for a breakfast burrito.
Life is so good. Green sauce is so good. Refried beans are so good.
I am playing a troll in a friend's new play reading. It's not humiliating.
I'm young. I'm over it. I like how in a room of theatre people,
someone always starts soft shoe tapping.
And I like walking up and down the aisles at CVS
instead of going to a party. (Parties are a dime a dozen in your 20s.)
And I like coming home to an empty condo
with a brown paper package from Heart on the table.
He made me chocolate cinnamon shortbread cookies. Dinner.
I call a stranger about buying his scooter.
I dab acai clay face mask on.
Complain to my sister on IM about my scooter woes--dramatically.

POOKIE: I want your scoot crisis solved.

ME: MY LIFE IS A JOKE.

POOKIE: It's a funny one though.

And she's right.

I could go to sleep. Or I could stay up texting like a tween.

What. It's fine.

In 2022 I will think this girl is a freaking moron. I just took this picture yesterday, and already kind of think that girl is a moron.

Top down, on the strip.

I'm lookin' in the mirror and I'm checkin' out my lipstick.

Stayed Up

When I come home from parties, there's no one to greet me.
I climb up the stairs, I strip to underwear, I brush my teeth for longer than might be necessary. It feels so good.
I get to sleep however I want in my bed big enough for two. Sometimes I put my head at the feet. I can journal at night--or not. I can blog. I can hum exactly one verse of "How to Save a Life" that has been stupidly stuck in my head.

I have no backrubs to give, no decompressions to share. I leave the small pile of clothes on the floor. I sleep immediately when I want to, no pawing or jabbering half-awake.

And I would have stayed up with you all night
had I known how to save a life.

Insomnia, Journals, and Miracles

My whole life I've been keeping journals--not so quality when I was 8, but they existed. Since I was in 8th grade I've had some form of online blog. Those also have progressed over the years. Tonight, I am battling insomnia yet again, and I hope to all that is Good it doesn't follow me into school. Meanwhile, I decided to re-read my LiveJournal from First Semester of my Junior year of high school.

For those of you unfamiliar with this time period in my life--September through December 2004 was misery. Literally. My mom and I up and moved to St. Louis from Chicago and I called it "Misery" instead of "Missouri". I was sixteen and had no friends. Very sad, many many embarrassing adolescent feelings and situations.

Some Incredible Things I Realized/Remembered:

*The strength inside our hearts and minds is absolutely shocking. My life was hell, and I totally survived.
*My friends from Chicago may be nothing more than a random text or Facebook message once a year, but I am FOREVER in their debt because they supported me more than I can even describe. Although I was long gone from their fast-paced teenage lives, they all made huge efforts to call me frequently, read my depressing journal entries, and leave a million loving and helpful comments and letters.
*It is a miracle in hindsight that I made a few really good friends within two months and those friends were top-o- the-line quality folk.
*My two favorite classes were Improv Fundamentals and Creative Writing I. The only reason I was in either was because the classes I requested wouldn't fit into my schedule, and those were the next best thing. Those are now my primary interests/ career plans.
*My vocabulary, voice, and grammar have come so far. I mean, I'd hope so, but I'm just glad I have proof.

Maybe I'll post some blasts from the past sometime. Until then, I just hope I can blast into dream world before I have to wake up.