A Noise Annoys Professors

A very large part of my job is to be (essentially) annoying. I read portfolios students must submit to pass a certain level of writing proficiency. I also have to meet with two of their professors to make sure analysis of the student's work is balanced. Meetings about students' portfolios are not fun, and they do not seem important, but it's like...a requirement of graduation to pass this stuff, so it is important. Plus, I am under a deadline as to when I need to type up full evaluations for the student to read.

So...I just send e-mails trying to schedule meetings no one wants to have. Can you think of someone who would be more annoying than me? The person who makes you busy for something you don't want to do?

It's uncomfortable, but, actually, this is a skill I severely need to improve. I have horrible self-PR. In all my years performing I have never got the hang of selling my own stuff. I always feel guilty. People might not like it, might waste time, waste money, think I'm bad, like me too much to tell me....dislike me more after watching a play I'm in. I dunno!

I can't bring myself to ask people to be excited for me. To support me. This is a good step in the right direction--asking people to have the courtesy to make time for something in their job description. Maybe to you this seems irrelevant to my life, but I am building up confidence muscle in all the right annoying places.


Me & Stripes after my capstone reading--one of many performances I couldn't bring myself to directly mention to people

Working It Out

Last spring, in Portland, Clara told me, "I am inherently against exercise. Ideally my life would be active enough on its own." I...agree? Not really. I would prefer to do some treadmill time at my own leisure instead of working in a lumber yard. But, today, I literally laughed out loud while rounding out Workout 2 of the 30-Day Shred.

I was watching the fitness ladies demonstrating the squat rows and realized that I was doing the same thing--even if I couldn't see myself. I do feel good after these little DVD work-outs, but they are so random. When I run or swim, that feels like I am gaining some real skill and doing something--even if I'm ultimately not really. But, picking up a little chunk of metal in different positions, jumping around, sinking my knees, standing back up...isn't that funny? Yeah, I get that I am gaining muscle and gaining some real skill in terms of overall strength and health...but for a minute I was thinking "I am so much better at the military press than I was a week ago!" before I remember that that is not a marketable skill of any kind.

Does this all make sense? You get it.

I miss the feeling of feeling.

Rad & Naked

Today I saw a production of Equus downtown. It was very well-done. I've managed to miss reading and seeing this classic piece for years. I'm glad I saw it today, as a 22-year-old and not when I first came across a reference of it when I was 14.

Of course, I have to talk about the full-frontal nudity. Because...that's just what you talk about when you see Equus. I sat in the front row knowing I was going to be in close quarters with some dude's junk. If you're gunna see it--might as well go full out. It was a small black box.

So, when it happened, when the young man and the young woman undressed, at first it was a little shock (Oh, this is THE part), but after literally 20 seconds you forgot. I assume most people go through the same rapid-fire questions

1. I wonder if she is over 21? I guess over 18 is legal.
2. I wonder how long they rehearsed this scene before getting naked.
3. I wonder if that hurts, the way he is on the bench right now. Slivers on his butt?
4. Did their parents come to this?
5. All things considered, I guess it--

and then you're back to paying attention. There's a lot goin' on, and really, big woop. You think, "Wow. She's naked. And we're all. Right. Here." But, THEN you're like, "Whatever! I was naked this morning and it was no thing. So over it." And then, over it. Toot.

After the show I stayed in the city to meet some galpals for dinner. I aimlessly walked the sidewalks of art fair happening and bumped into part of the cast just leaving in their pedestrian clothes. The nudies and one of the horse actors. We shot the breeze I complimented them (they were very good) and the girl recognized me from the one-act festival last week and complimented me and when the kid who was Alan asked me what school group I had been with I answered and he took a long drag of his cigarette before repeating and saying "Rad, rad."

In Light

Final Council Fire, 2010

I am so filled with love right now. The universe hasn't aligned and all my problems haven't been solved, but I still feel full of love. I'm not sure what it is. It's not The Avetts--who I just saw. They were good, but that wasn't it. It might be a mix of the perfect FroYo, eating it with Pookie, driving along the Mississip.

I know we are supposed to retort "And why not?" Why not be full of love every minute. I mean, I know, Why Not? But also, I know why not--'cos sometimes we're unhappy and sometimes there's a lot more than there is or a lot less than there needs to be is Why Not. But. Not now.

I try to hold on--onto the buttery reigns--even for just a few minutes, a few days. I can't take it with me it seems. I'm bulging at my seams.

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I'm frightened by those who don't see it

When nothing is old, deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it.

There was a dream
One day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage a broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid, with a head full of doubt
So I scream till I die and don't ask for those bad thoughts to find me out

There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell you what's wrong and what's right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I'm frightened by those who don't see it

The Killers

There are a few things I have come to realize are killers for me. I would guess they're not killers for everyone, but they have the capability to make me feel miserable. I think it is sad to be restrictive to yourself, but I DO think it is wonderful to realize what makes you feel bad or good and to have the bold thought to stop or start--whatever you need.

Without further ado, my realized killers:

-Not having a book I'm currently reading
-Not going outside at least twice in one day
-Lack of exercise
-Lack of spiritual reflection time
-Inability to write
-Potatoes (besides baked)
-Copious driving
-Waiting to do laundry until the last minute
-Messy living quarters
-Meat and Fish
-Not showering for longer than two days
-Fashion/Women's Magazines
-Too much peanut butter
-Too many Republicans
-Not enough contact from my Koh Hos



We shouted out into the sky, 'We're never gunna die!'"

Loving My Sister

after a hike--MI, 2010

Me: Plus, I am thinking about auditioning for a play. You could too--Children's Hour in Clayton. Rehearsals Mon, Tues, Thurs nights.

Pookie: The potential for one of us having to confess gay love for the other has convinced me that we should not both audition for Children’s Hour.

This is a chain we'll never break.
Do I dream? I'm awake.

Harry Potter--The Boy Who Starred

a winter rehearsal

Daniel Radcliffe is going to star in How to Succeed in Business on Broadway. Now, I'm not saying he's a bad actor, but he's definitely not supa fly, and who knows about his singing. I wonder about the kid. He was 11 when he randomly--with a stroke of luck--became Harry Potter and had his acting career set for a decade.

Now, he will probably be getting sweet jobs for life. He's a guaranteed money-maker, and so, now, because of his role as Harry Potter, he is kind of going to have a Potter-like experience forever. Some people will hate him and make fun of him just for being who he is and some people will idolize him blindly.

I wonder if he is good at acting just from all the work he's done, if he likes it, if he can consider doing other jobs, or if...this is it?

When I was very young I went to an audition for a touring production of Les Mis. I would have dropped out of 4th grade and started show biz. I wonder about all that. Do you have more opportunities from more money and a big name and credits, or are you kind of stuck in 4th grade?

Ain't nobody gotta blessing like mine.
It's a red sky night and I'm doin' alright.