Jr. Asparagus

"They make delicious food. They're a private company. They can run their business however they want."

This is what Dizz said when we passed a Chic-Fil-A and I frowned at it from inside Jamin's car last November. Chic-Fil-A's company policy: Queer? Get out of here. If employees are found to be gay, they are suddenly found unemployed. For this reason, I will never give Chic-Fil-A any money. I encourage others to do the same, and sometimes they do. But Jamin in the champion of not caring about human rights on a micro level, so it's not a surprise he tells me leeringly how delicious the chicken "nugz" are as we pass. I honestly don't think this is funny. Maybe I need more of a sense of humor. I've been told I need to get a sense of humor. I don't think I do. (That's what someone without a sense of humor would say.)

Then, Dizz reminds me of where I went to school--a Christian college with a homosexuality policy. I obviously gave that hateful place a ton of money. She had a point. But so did I. BUT I decide that we're having a nice Sunday morning, and this is a rare occasion where I am able to remind myself that sometimes arguing just isn't worth it even though I REALLY THINK I AM RIGHT AND ALSO MEANWHILE THERE'S A MEAT INDUSTRY.

Here's the truth now: I gave that hateful institution (my college) my money because it was not a hateful institution at all. It was a loving and wonderful place to go to school, but it had a giant hang-up about gay issues. And that sucks. And that's why I spent a pretty large chunk of my college career fighting the policy.

We can't expect everyone and every institution to be perfect all the time, but if we involve ourselves with imperfection, it's our job to point it out. To say, "I agree with everything except..." To get inside and wheedle out the sooty little specks. To demand better in a good thing.

Ethical eating club meeting. April. Vegan salads.

So, I guess, maybe if I were writing letters to Chic-Fil-A daily and organizing a campaign for their corporate offices to note, I would buy their waffle fries. But I'm not going to do that. So the next best thing is to pass. Avoid or confront. I think those are the options.

I remember stand! (Stand up, stand up)

For what you believe in--believe in--believe in!

Getting Small

Things keep getting smaller.
I am aware of this, but
I am also powerless
to theses things that expand--wait--no, it's not things keep getting smaller.
It's that I do.
And my things do.
Because things keep getting bigger
actually.
And crowding out
things
that now feel so small.

Easter place setting. 2012.

Meanwhile, there's a meat industry.

Also, meanwhile,

I just want to sing "Call Me Maybe" on repeat.

Maybe have an all "Call Me Maybe" aerobic funk jazzercise class.

Before you came into my life I missed you so bad.

I missed you so bad.

I missed you so so bad.

Gay Ads, Whatever It Takes, Asberg Movie Endings, Packing (Or Not), Unique Dinner

1. I can't think of any advertisements featuring a gay couple. Obvi, no brand wants to be known as "The Laundry Detergent for Gays!" but, really, come on. Every faux group at an advertised restaurant looks like the freakin' UN. Can we get some gay love up in here or what?

2. I love Degrassi.

3. Another long day at the testing center--beginning with a very long conversation with a student with Asbergers. His thesis: Twilight is a bad movie. Later he told me his favorite movies and wanted to tell me the end of them all. I said "Oh, no! Please don't." And he literally said, "I have to. I have to tell you." For someone who doesn't even like watching movie previews, this clearly disturbed me. Eventually, he started talking about who should be allowed to create art in this world (not serial killers). And I actually have a really strong opinion about this...and I just started to get so upset. KID, STOP TALKING OVER ME AND STOP SAYING SOME PEOPLE DON'T DESERVE TO PAINT AND STOP SAYING JOHN WAYNE GACY IS THE WORST BECAUSE MEANWHILE THERE IS A MEAT INDUSTRY. So, I got short and started texting obviously as if to say This Convo Is Finito. And he got the hint after a few more attempts at conversation, and then he started talking to someone else. I don't know, am I horrible? I just...I just think even if you have a mental issue, you still shouldn't decide if someone else with a sicker mental issue is allowed to paint or not.

4. I do not want to pack even though I am quite excited to be in California tomorrow for family holiday reunion bonanza bash explosion party woop woop! Nope. Even that ridic string of shindig vocab did not enthuse me to pack.

5. Dinner: Wheat tortilla, spread with peanut cashew almond butter, stuffed with broccoli. Iron Chef--literally. So much iron.

Kath. Lake Michigan. July 2011.

"I mean, I hate the meat industry too. A lot of people do, but I don't know if anyone hates it more than you."--Henne

I am learning how to bend. I know that sometimes we must just LISTEN and BE WISE about things instead of scientifically studying, proving, deciding, and mandating. Like that conversation with Henne. I had this PLAN at 5 PM. This PLAN to go home and go on a five mile run and shower and see Chelle and do a ton of work before rehearsal...but then Henne and my phone call extended beyond my bike ride home...and then it extended into my running time...and so I only ran two miles. And, then, I saw Chelle, and then I read a lot of new plays and did very little of my planned workload. BUT, the conversation with Henne and the reading INSPIRED me. So, yeah, sometimes we have to be a little "irresponsible" to ourselves in order to get the good stuff.

But if you try sometimes, well, you just might find
you get what you need.

Job Hunt

I will be a TA this fall, but I'm looking for just a bit more income. I have applied a couple places, but I was so SO excited about the job interview I had today.

DUSTY: so what are you doing in your free time these days, anyway?
ME: Right now I'm making a resume for an interview I have today. It's impossible.
ME: I am MADE for this job.
ME: I can't fit all of the reasons on one page.
DUSTY: haha
DUSTY: there's worse problems to have, Alice.
DUSTY: What's this job, anyway?
DUSTY: "Buffet reviewer"?
ME: Omg.
ME: How could I even begin to prepare for that interview?
ME: Hahahaha you've got my number, Mr.
ME: No--working at a human right capaign trying to convince people that gay people should have equal workplace rights.
DUSTY: ...ok, that sounds like a close second place

INSERT BACKSTORY: While we were making fun of this one guy from improv CONSTANTLY saying "Boom. Done," Dusty once said to me, "You know, if YOU had a catchphrase, it would be, 'Um. I actually have a really strong opinion about this.'" Which is both sad and hilarious because it is totally true. The things I have really strong opinions about range from paper towel to Facebook. And, lest we forget MEANWHILE, THERE IS A MEAT INDUSTRY! Continuing on...

ME: Can I just get "I actually have a really strong opinion about this" tatooed on my face?
DUSTY: HAHA
DUSTY: maybe a palm...that can be your thing, you can bring back the "talk to the hand" gesture
"So, I was thinking cows are too dumb to live, and we should really not feel bad for eating them--"

hand.

I think he's on to something.

Coffee with Dusty. April 2011.

But, so here's the sad end of the story: I had an awesome interview and got the job, but my class schedule conflicted with the hours I would have to work. Biggest bummer of all time.

MEANWHILE

A few months ago during the Egypt hooplah, I was watching CNN at the gym. Everything was seeming pretty dark, but, rejoice! The anchors brightened their smiles, chucked their bummer-voices, and announced, "Now. On the lighter side!" and proceeded to tell the story of a women who tried to mail a puppy.

They giggled their voices, these two anchors, and explained how a middle-aged woman wanted to send her son a puppy for his birthday, so she MAILED IT. LOL LOL LOL!

And what's FUNNIER (lol lol lol) is that when she was caught (which she OBVIOUSLY was because there was a puppy running around in the box! LOL!) she demanded that she be returned the puppy! LOL! Let's laugh at this obviously sad mother who has been estranged from her son on her birthday! And let's laugh more at how she probably wanted to return the puppy to the pet store for money but was not allowed to! LOL she got jail time for animal cruelty! LOL!

And then they went to commercial. And I realized my jaw was wide open. Hello!?

MEANWHILE
THERE
IS
A
MEAT
INDUSTRY!

How...? In what version of the world does it make sense to imprison a sad woman for putting a puppy in a box when there are actually factories torturing animals on a massive level? I mean...WHAT?

Anyway, since that moment, as my sister can attest, almost any injustice in the world seems to lead me to wanting to shout out, "But...but...meanwhile, there's a MEAT INDUSTRY!"

So, yeah. This is the point where I finally accept Jamin's description of me as "Vegetarian Malcolm X."


Jamin likes to tell me to shut up. Easter 2010. Photo by Pookie.

On Bridesmaids & Changing Your Mind

People are wiiggin' about Bridesmaids. (Get it? Wiiggin?) I have to admit, I am very interested. I like women. I like comedy. I love women doing comedy. I really love Kristen Wiig.

I like that people are accepting women as naturally funny because of this movie. It doesn't have to be an anomaly anymore. But, this movie was still produced by Judd Apatow. I don't hate or even dislike this guy as much as I probably should. The truth is I laughed a lot at Superbad. Like, a lot.

Muff hates his movies because they all remind us that men spend mucho percent of their time talking about and noticing hot women. Whether it's art imitating life or vice versa, I don't really care. It's something I'd rather not have continue in society, and splicing comedy with an unfavorable male habit tricks everyone into liking it. Or, at least accepting it subliminally.

So, naturally, Jamin suggests Bridesmaids to me because he knows what I said in line one: I am all about women busting into comedy. And I said, "No, thanks." Because I read an interview with Wiig about the process, and there's at least one part of the movie she didn't want in--some scene where all the girls, like, get diarrhea or fall in mud or something. So, that bugs me. I don't really want to contribute to box office sales of a movie that could have been perfectly funny without Mr. Apatow butting in and asking for all the girls to lose all self-respect just for a while. Maybe it's purely because anyone falling in mud and losing face is funny, but it's different having men, who already run comedy, get involved in shtick. I guess you could argue it's sexist to NOT have women do the same stupid stuff men do in movies. There's a point there, but it's balancing on the fine line of...something.

Jamin said, "But Wiig co-produced, and you probably want to support her." Which is true. I do want to support her. I am really involved with how I spend my money, because I really do see it as a vote. I don't personally have a problem with my health because of McDonald's, but I know a lot of this country does, so, if I can, I don't contribute to the problem--even though it doesn't directly affect me. But, that's really just half the battle.

The other half is not exposing yourself to things that you don't support because they do change your mind. It's pretty naive to think we can just enter restaurants we feel fundamentally against and not slowly come to like them better, to watch movies we know will involve themes we don't support and leave with the same pure mindset we had before showtime. Even though I will be a vegetarian forever, when I enter McDonalds, I see the prettiest picture of chicken strips--with a vibrant purple backdrop. Maybe I'll never act on the sudden impulse to eat some, but the thought has been planted, and that makes my ideas on the subject just a little weaker. Just a little cloudier.

Seeing Bridesmaids may be a big step for women in comedy, but it's still women in comedy as a man views them. And even if I know that going in, I'm obviously going to leave subliminally thinking things about myself as a women and a comedian I didn't think before. And, I'm not ready for that.

Recap:
*Our actions are important because we actually give physical support to things. Let's make it stuff we do support.
*Our actions are important because what we do changes our minds whether we recognize that immediately or not.
*The part where McLovin says he almost got "Muhammad" is the funniest ever.