Other Lives I Am Not Living

On my way home from girl's night with Nep I see a few couples at the Thai restaurant on my block. It's 9:30. They're sitting down to dinner. I understand this is a very city thing. I guess people work late and then maybe go to the gym and then by the time the train has taken them home...

I don't have late dinners, so this is a life I am not leading. I can't imagine a possible fork that would have led me to it either.

Right now I could have been on a cruise ship doing more comedy. I think the itinerary would be taking me up the coast of Canada this week. But I opted out. I guess there was the option of staying in Arizona for that teaching job. But I'm somewhat certain it would have crumbled underneath me. I am more than somewhat certain I would have left for Chicago after a year anyway.

There's the version of me who went to Japan instead of grad school. I think she ends up staying for two years, but I'm not entirely sure what she does for work now.

There is a gritty restaurant hostess in the Bay area with friends who don't like me. And probably a Boston babe who wants to move to Chicago.

I think all the possible Alice's ultimately want the same thing and the ones with enough gumption to have gone for it earlier are scared. The ones who are still waiting are hopeful.

Choice Analysis

I auditioned for the spring play my sophomore year of high school with a monologue I cobbled together from a Junie B. Jones children's chapter book. I thought it was pretty funny. Not sharp or anything. I got cast in a small role basically based on the directors (my speech coaches) knowing I was a good investment because I worked hard and had potential once I got more confidence and ripped off my braceface.

I told Henne I was cutting more of the book for my Humor piece for the upcoming Speech season. "Boring," he said. "You can do better." I guess it was a little juvenile. And maybe adult male judges wouldn't have the same sheen of nostalgia for girlhood in first grade. I chose something else and had a successful season.

At the State competition, in the final round, another girl performed a cutting of a Junie B. Jones book. She won first place. I got second. What do I think about this? I think I would have been better than her, but really I don't know. I can't know. I can't help but think if we had both done the same piece, even if we had been the best in the round, we simply couldn't have gotten 1 and 2. Really, if I were judging that round, I think I would automatically bump us down, paired together to 4 or 5. I mean, there's a lack of originality at stake, right?

Maybe It Would Be A Good Idea

Muffy gave me some interesting advice last week:

"Maybe it would be a good idea to be lackadaisical for a bit. Not all problems have to be resolved right now. It doesn't have to be a perfectly working machine at all times...I don't think you're imagining the problems...However, some problems are worked out in time, and maybe, if [it] were given more time, the problem could work itself out naturally."

I really appreciate this advice. Not because I like it, but because it completely blindsided me. What do you mean things don't have to be perfect all the time? Yes, they do?

Truly, when there's a snag in my life, I pride myself re: not letting it sit. I set out immediately to solve. I  have never considered myself a perfectionist because I recognize perfection is a very strange concept. But I do believe in progress. That's a watered-down way of saying I'm GD psychotic about things getting better. It's not that all changes come quickly or even at all, but I go absolutely batty if I am not at least walking toward or trying to walk toward a solution. Other options:

-sweeping things under the rug, don't ask don't tell type ish

-waiting to see what others involved might do

-deciding it's a problem not worth a solution

These other "options" make no sense to me. They make me physically uncomfortable. I must speak when in conflict with others, I must reflect when I am displeased, I must write a more interesting play, plan more dynamic lessons, run if I've been slow.

I get it, but I don't get it. Can anyone help me? How do I stop wanting to fix everything, often before it's even a problem for me? Highly responsible, highly neurotic. I know one trick is to remember problems we fixate on often do not come to fruition, or if they do, we are far more equipped to take them on than we had previously assumed we would be. I guess I know that. But, still. I can't eat it.

Jr. Asparagus

"They make delicious food. They're a private company. They can run their business however they want."

This is what Dizz said when we passed a Chic-Fil-A and I frowned at it from inside Jamin's car last November. Chic-Fil-A's company policy: Queer? Get out of here. If employees are found to be gay, they are suddenly found unemployed. For this reason, I will never give Chic-Fil-A any money. I encourage others to do the same, and sometimes they do. But Jamin in the champion of not caring about human rights on a micro level, so it's not a surprise he tells me leeringly how delicious the chicken "nugz" are as we pass. I honestly don't think this is funny. Maybe I need more of a sense of humor. I've been told I need to get a sense of humor. I don't think I do. (That's what someone without a sense of humor would say.)

Then, Dizz reminds me of where I went to school--a Christian college with a homosexuality policy. I obviously gave that hateful place a ton of money. She had a point. But so did I. BUT I decide that we're having a nice Sunday morning, and this is a rare occasion where I am able to remind myself that sometimes arguing just isn't worth it even though I REALLY THINK I AM RIGHT AND ALSO MEANWHILE THERE'S A MEAT INDUSTRY.

Here's the truth now: I gave that hateful institution (my college) my money because it was not a hateful institution at all. It was a loving and wonderful place to go to school, but it had a giant hang-up about gay issues. And that sucks. And that's why I spent a pretty large chunk of my college career fighting the policy.

We can't expect everyone and every institution to be perfect all the time, but if we involve ourselves with imperfection, it's our job to point it out. To say, "I agree with everything except..." To get inside and wheedle out the sooty little specks. To demand better in a good thing.

Ethical eating club meeting. April. Vegan salads.

So, I guess, maybe if I were writing letters to Chic-Fil-A daily and organizing a campaign for their corporate offices to note, I would buy their waffle fries. But I'm not going to do that. So the next best thing is to pass. Avoid or confront. I think those are the options.

I remember stand! (Stand up, stand up)

For what you believe in--believe in--believe in!

The Chinese Crisis

We were supposed to present a Chinese Crisis--
the moment of tension, the moment right before the choice that could lead to
the biggest catastrophe or the biggest opportunity.
Our topic was bullying--these two young men and me.
"I have something, but it happened the only way it could,
so I don't know how anyone could change anything about it."
We were to replicate this true story and let our audience step in at the CC.
"Well, let's hear it," I say.

This boy was 8, and two classmates grabbed him and started punching him.
He shoved them off and ran away.
He was called into the principal's office for shoving.
They all got citations.

"So there were no other options--unless I just wanted to be beat up," this college kid says.
"There are always other options," the other boy with dark skin and sparkly earrings says.
"But, no, there's nothing else I could have possibly done."
"Yes, but--" I say.
"See? But that's the problem with this story. I did the only thing I could."
He would not stop repeating this sentiment.

It kills us to admit that just because we were victims doesn't mean we were right.

Perfection: Part II

Hein Shrine. Kyoto. 2008.

There are two options:

1. Act, even boldly, and be able to defend your action to anyone that ever asks.
2. Don't act if you cannot defend that action. Even if you only can't explain it to one person.

And I took you in right then and there,
and life took on a new form.
No more stayin' out all night.
No more killin' ourselves just to make ourselves feel alright.