it's one o'clock in the morning

Struggling to sleep these days. Lots on my mind. Got all the bios from the actors didn't I yes yes I did but did I write my bio no no I didn't okay I'll get to that and the formatting and also I need to email the cast notes, I've ruminated on them all in my notepad. Then suddenly I'll go get my script and rehearse for a while. It reminds me of high school. In college I had enough friends who did theatre we were always running lines with each other. But in high school I spent many many happy days and nights in my room rehearsing alone. I really am terrified to be acting again, and I really just do not enjoy it...but it's been a nice trot down memory lane. I had to hire a front of house producer because...I usually do all that, but I'll have to be backstage. We had our first rehearsal Monday. I went to the green room to grab some chairs. Then I go to realize, hey, I'll be in the green room again. I love being in the green room. It's the best part of any show I've ever been in.

Trying to let my subconscious lead as I power through the next 6 days. A week from today the play will be over, and I will be on vacation! Very exciting. Very reassuring.

So anyway I just ate two string cheeses. Didn't even bother to unstring. Just slammed them CHOMP CHOMP. I've been so incredibly busy. And at times I'm a little grump as well. But I feel very justified in grumping at the bottom of a demonic system. How does a corrupt system fall without the grumps?

That said, I'm also trying to set my gratitude ahead more. That's still important, even if class consciousness is also important. I had a really cool day. Up early and chattering with Puhg, trampolined my heart out, out to South Pas to meet with a prospective director for my play's world premiere. I think, I really think...I mean knock on wood but I think it's happening! For real this time. (I've thought that exact sentence at least five previous times re: this project, so obvi I am naive...but I just have a feeling.) Producer and I like the director. WE think move forward. Producer and I walk through our chat with our third silent producer AM. She suggests very specific turns of phrases and slight changes to email drafts. I say, "This is why you pay you the big bucks." She laughs heartily, and I like that.

Blasted some Showgirl music in the traffic-stuffed drive home. I remember how B told me his favorite thing about LA is driving around singing all day. What a reframe! At home I greeted Puhg and we sat at the table for quite some time talking about our Plans. Plans for today, then the week, then the month, then the years, the life--ultimately. And then that was enough of that.

Hustled into my desk corner. Laid out my very long to-do list and went bananas. Email after email after email, responding to audience accommodations, scheduling the PR call for the world premiere of my other play, my agent pings me she has another call with the production company on my movie tomorrow morning. She's new, and I like her, but I don't fully trust her yet. So I'm keeping a close watch.

WOW, Puhg just scared the life out of me. He got up to go to the bathroom, peeked his head around the corner to see me--a little rat in the night, speech and debate hoodie up, eating a strawberry Trader Joe's pop-tart at the computer. He just shook his head and walked away.

So I hustled at my desk as long as I possibly could. I got a ton done but still have four items left on my to-do list. I'm going to wake up early to get ahead of the day. There's rehearsal at 11. Meanwhile my corporate producer loves the commercial. I get in touch with this other writer for advice on how she structured her last deal with a partner. She told me some useful things. She validated but then also played devil's advocate but then could be vulnerable. I really like her. She tells me totally coincidentally she is coming to the play! She RSVP'd ages ago, the plus one of the HBO exec. Oh my it's been so nice to feel so supported by my community with people expressing how excited they are. I am quick to say, "LOWER your EXPECTATIONS." I am very proud of this cast and their work, but I simply cannot guess how this thing will play. I have no idea.

At 7:38 I think Puhg simply walks into the bedroom, and I close my laptop and say, "We have to go watch Survivor." It's so needed, a night with our island crew. We've got all these little jokes and communal shorthand after years of these Survivor nights. We find out B was named Best Villain as an award for a fan version of the game. Our host made sugar cookies. The bits were flying and so was the genuine support.