Pretend

One thing I promise myself is to do my things. This seems simple--do the things I committed to do, I am supposed to do, I am paid to do. I do the things. Last winter I told myself yes, I hate the cold, but I will never not do my things. And I didn't. Even if I was sick or it was actually negative nine degrees and going to work meant a twenty minutes on a train platform, I did my things. I didn't miss a single day of class during The Program. I cancel social plans only in extremity.

Yesterday Bisque asked me if I was feeling better, and I said I was. Mainly because I did things. I had some meetings which require me to smile a LOT and be very optimistic. I planned a development chat for the sake of my comedy, and even though by 10 PM what I really wanted to do was sit in my underwear and maybe eat raw cake mix, I went for a run to perk up, pulled my hair up, and went out to learn about how I can be a better artist. I ran into some people I met last week and even stayed out to watch an show with them. I graded papers on the ride home and ate some candy corn in bed until I fell asleep.

In a way, I feel like a fraud. Like I pretended myself into being happier. The fake it 'til you make it. Bisque reminded me that the happy parts of myself are not a lie--they are true too--they were just covered up by some darker, bitter shades (also true) for a while. Again, I circle back to my favorite KVJ quote:

"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be."