May 19, 2025

 Up in the 6s, Midnights workout, off to the cafe—Puhg was already there, a bouquet at my seat! I ordered a new orleans with cold foam. The barista told me they were out, but then he beckoned to me, down by the espresso machine. He handed me my drink and a tiny paper cup of foam, a secret reserve from the mini fridge. “Just can’t be public about it,” he said. What a special birthday treat! I decided to spend the morning journaling, writing in this blog, tweaking an essay, eating a chocolate croissant, blueskying a short story in a brand new notebook.

Got very nice texts from my closest summer camp friends, my family, a few other randos, my neighborhood chat sweetly popped off. Called the patio to confirm, we could reserve the gazebo for 6:30. Called the restaurant to confirm, a table for 18 at 9 PM. Got a heavenly mani pedi from 12:15 - 1. Dropped by the bank to pick up an envelope of single bills. Decided to focus and plow through revisions on me and AB’s script. I send her the new draft to go out to her entire team (!) seems like a good sign it’s dated, right on the cover page, May 19, 2025.

Laid out my outfit for the evening. I often pick my birthday clothes several days in advance. For all my high school birthdays I wore the same polka dot skirt and a pink t-shirt. In college I wore the same blue sundress over and over. In my 20s I’m sure I ended up in sweat shorts every time. Hollywood Alice has leaned into boots and bright rompers? This year I decided to go with my most comfortable but “nice” choice—a black sleeveless dress and pink button-up. I’m trying not to buy new things just because an occasion is happening. In 2025 I’ve only bought four items of clothing: a pack of socks, a pack of underwear, a Beyonce concert tee, and a Beach Bunny tank top.

Around 3:45 headed down to the grassy knoll. Hugged my special tree, laid down on the ground listening to Liz Huett, I think. I finished Women Who Run with the Wolves. Another good omen I bet. Hustled home for a Zoom with my activist group at 5. Turned the camera off so I could listen but also untangle my necklace.

Puhg walked me down to the patio, giving me a big hug and his credit card before we parted ways. Saw ER first! I ordered a slice of the birthday cake, of course! SM arrived like an imp, SW was in a vest holding a party bag. No gifts! I chided. She interrupted, “But my whole thing is not listening!” Fair enough, she got me a diva cup. JG pulled up a seat with a mule, JW came in hot from the office, BM ambled on in with a huge salad, KM announced she was there though she almost died by childbirth last month, GKD showed up a little frazzled but cozy, and finally LD sat her rump down with a huge cocktail and a fat slice of Oreo cheesecake. I had everyone go around the table and say what they did that day. A favorite past time of mine, as all my friends have such unique lives. Something I like about myself is I don’t really feel jealousy about friendships. In a perfect world, all my friends would be friends. JG texted me the next morning even, “You continue to have the best mix of friends.”

It was cheesy, but at 7:30 I pulled out a bunch of notecards. On one side, a friend’s name in pink Sharpie, on the other, three bullet points of why I’ve loved them this year. I went around, clockwise, briefly sharing my gratitude. I didn’t plan for this to happen, but of course everyone responded with a nice comment in return. SJ showed up 80 minutes late, but strangely, right when I got to her card. “I didn’t hear anyone else’s!” she yelled.

Cliff notes: I encourage people to go for it, I encourage people to believe in themselves, people like to talk with me, sometimes people feel conflicted about something so they reach out to me (surely Alice has thought about this and has an opinion), I create reasons to celebrate and brag, “there was a cosmic shift in my life when we met,” a couple people commented on how well I bring a group together (case in point!), I write because I love to write, I hustle, strong moral backbone, strong moral backbone, “I asked myself what Alice would do,” the last gal shared: “the strongest moral compass of anyone I know.”

KM followed up, “I trust Alice. When Alice says the world is ending, I believe her.” Everyone kind of nodded. Almost no one in the group is independently friends, but this they share—the burden of knowing me, a realistic and honest person. But then JW piped up, “I disagree!” JW said it bluntly, so the group contracted. But then she added, “I think Alice is pretty clear we can SAVE the world.” Then everyone relaxed, nodded more. It was 8:30 already so we had to get moving.

I hugged people as some peeled off to their cars, as SJ waited at the valet. It felt so silly, meandering in a pack down V—-. When we got to the karaoke spot, SK was seated at the huge table alone, soon he was singing Chappell Roan. CG came in rocking a pink hat, she was at the mic first. What a team player! I went second, “The Archer” of course. People got beers and soup and tofu and BS sang Gaga and brought an exec friend who is a huge Swiftie. He respectfully asked my permission to sing “Wildest Dreams” as they ate giant plates of noodles. CN killed Abba, girls who weren’t friends destroyed “Suddenly Seymour,” CS got the whole place going with “Bad Blood.” JC did “Love Story” justice. SJR came for exactly 23 minutes, one of my closest friends who clearly misjudged her time and was freaked out about a deadline. TM and G seemed a little bummed we weren’t getting much quality time (because I was dancing and screeching, can’t believe other people were just in the restaurant having dinner?). Puhg reminded me my birthday is about me having fun, not promising others they will have fun. I very much enjoyed ripping through the bridge of “But Daddy I Love Him.” DR left in a huff because the DJ kept bringing up her family to sing Thai tunes while his Celine Dion request wilted. Ten minutes later he ran back in, “I’m next” he said. No idea how he knew, but he got up, belted how it was all coming back to him, then jetted. The highlight of the night was hands down Puhg surprising me with Vanessa Carlton! The place went wild as he pointed to me and I clutched my little heart.

Around 11 everyone was clearing out. I did an “All Too Well” before walking home with our neighbors. A lovely evening. Even though they’re moving soon. Puhg went right to sleep, but I had a lot of adrenaline to pump through. Brought out my journal—ended up sort of just sitting, then taking a hot shower. I got the mail on Tuesday to find cards from my mom, sister, and dad. It's a new era, I hope.

saw your face in mine, in a picture by our bedside

songs of this past rotation, last year's list

HOT TO GO -- Chappell Roan

so many places I got to dance! festivals and cemetery movies and in the car and in the mall and at the gay sports bar and with friends and enemies

Espresso -- Sabrina Carpenter

THE song of the summer, I feel like it was always playing when I walked into the comedy theatre, and I loved that

I Had Some Help -- Post Malone & Morgan Wallen

my little morning dance work-outs

Taste -- Sabrina Carpenter

pool afternoons

Constant Headache -- Joyce Manor

stomping around the neighborhood, then screaming it at the Greek

Girl, So Confusing -- Charli XCX & Lorde

one of the most inspiring pieces of art of the past decade!

Apple -- Charli XCX

just great vibes tbh

Michigan, 1975 -- The Gaslight Anthem

the older sound of my grad school band, I'm older also

Final Girl -- CHVRCHES

maj inspo for my movie with AB! often blasted it (or "The Man" driving over to her place)

Ivy -- Taylor Swift

I listen to this song every single time I work on my newest play, sometimes a hundred times in a row

10 Drunk Cigarettes -- Girly Girl Productions

not taking myself seriously, or trying anyway

Dial Drunk -- Noah Kahan & Post Malone

alone in a cottage, at night

Good Girls -- CHVRCHES

angry

Ego -- Halsey

watched the VMAs performance a few times, I think about it often

Don't Take the Money -- Jack Antonoff

shaking serious booty with J, second row, Jack jamming right to us as we jumped

When the Sun Explodes -- Very Nice Person

relaxed, zonked, in the back row then the front row of a movie theatre in Washington

State of Grace -- Taylor Swift

driving before dawn, cinnamon roll in my lap, leaves falling, on our way to hike

Got My Mind Set On You -- George Harrison

for some reason spoke to me, on the radio, after eating a burrito at a folding table

Please Please Please -- Sabrina Carpenter

HEARD A DUET OF THIS WITH TAYLOR SWIFT LIVE IN NEW ORLEANS WITH TWO OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS I'M WORKING LATE COS I'M A SINGER

Fall -- Something Corporate

my goodness, my band still rocks, I got to sit alone at a tabletop, what heaven

Labour -- Paris Paloma

the election

The Manuscript -- Taylor Swift

all my cork boards of analysis

Hits Different & Welcome to New York -- Taylor Swift

the most blessed mash-up that's ever been mashed! truly hit...different

Colorwheel -- Liz Huett & Pretty Bird

under the tree and dreaming!

Yoko -- Maisie Peters

thinking

Hard to Love -- Lee Brice

enough said

She -- Greenday

something about this, not sure what

Nostalgia -- Suki Waterhouse

while escaping fire

Tubthumping -- Chumbawumba

screaming in A___'s living room, we all know what's happening, what could happen

The Giver -- Chappell Roan

skipping in the cold fields beyond the hospice center

How Bad Do U Want Me -- Lady Gaga

strutting like I'm in a music video when I am, in fact, walking to the grocery store

Eh, Eh -- Lady Gaga

dancing at the club with Grief, cherry cherry boom boom

Vanish Into You -- Lady Gaga

a deep meditation on who or what we all ever are, plus her Coachella videos!

Bodyguard -- Beyonce

loving on my bb hamster and also Queen B at the same time

Sweet Honey Buckiin -- Beyonce

look at that horse, on the very first night of her tour!

Sue Me -- Audrey Hobert

classic TikTok trend melted into my subconcious

Is She Really Going Out With Him? -- Joe Jackson

well, is she?

jasmine in bloom

after all that, last weekend

Friday morning I worked on an essay then covered my new producers' butts. Last week I had to do double the work because of their mistakes. I fretted over whether to--this once--help them out, to build trust and show I'm part of the team, or to send a cold overage fee email. Turned in my revisions just before I had to rush out for my activist meeting.

I'm heading a new environmental initiative. It's proving unpleasant as the group is all flakey 20somethings. I feel conflicted about how to elder them. Do I use tough love and teach them how to Do Things or do I get out now, to preserve my sanity? Is it more important I pull them along or let them realize failure will be the result of bailing? What did 30somethings do for me when I was 25? Of course, when I was 25 I would have never had the audacity to cancel twenty minutes before a session and text, "Can you set up a Zoom hybrid option?" Oh, this just occurred to me: is Gen Z so weirdly demanding/entitled because they've learned to be ruthless with corporations? Fair enough if so. I wish I'd been much more demanding with corporations and bosses when I was younger. ...Only Gen Z has trouble distinguishing what's a corporation and what isn't. Like, sure, if you get paid minimum wage, be late and disorganized for work. But maybe don't treat a fellow volunteer that way? Riffing.

I decided to wear a black leotard and "artists for ceasefire" pin to the comedy theatre. I felt so disappointed by my performance. Mainly because the show was actually perfect for me--I should have blown it out of the water. And I did just okay. To be fair, it was so hot in there. My brain can't rhyme as quickly in the heat. The audience suggestion was about nepo babies! I played Jeff Bezos's daughter! Who snuck off to do her first play! And only wanted her dad to be proud of her! Plenty of hijinks about my character taking a helicopter to rehearsal, bringing the cast Rolexes, eating filet mignon on snack breaks. It all culminated in a huge finale! The faux opening night! Z (as Jeff Bezos) sat in the front row! The lights dimmed! Hart--playing the director--pushed me to center stage! The piano vamped...! And I fumbled. I struggled with the lyrics and I barely danced and I really wanted my character to find herself instead of approval from her dad.... Next thing I knew, I was bowing and giving the "get home safe speech." The show must go on. Or the show must end. One of the two.

In the green room we all slumped onto the couches. The guys tossed out their favorite parts. I was feeling like a loser when the door creaked open...and the special guest for the next show walked in. A rising movie star. Everyone whipped their heads over to spy her. She looked at me and said, "Alice! AB just sent me your script today!" Wow. Had to be a top circumstances-are-making-me-look-cool moment of life. We hugged and gabbed and R snuck in to say "good show."

I walked out of the side exit where Z was standing against the brick wall. We small talked a little. We've been performing together every few months for six years, but we'd never talked more than ten minutes. We chatted for quite a while, lingering in that space of wondering if the other person is bored or not. About forty minutes later I asked, "what are you doing right now?" I pointed to the Mexican restaurant. We went in and sat at the bar. I asked if he was ambitious and he said he'd never been asked so directly, but yes!

I tromped home around 10, listening to TS of course. Saw a coyote by the park, a teen holding a big bag a few blocks later. I sidestepped him, a bit on edge with no one around. I skipped the song that was playing, looked up from my phone...and saw a man running AT me! I yelped and froze and then realized...it was Puhg. He's been upping his scares. This was a good one. "I really thought I might die!" I laughed as we trotted home.

On Saturday I slept in, made vicious to-do lists for the week ahead at the cafe, zipped home to transfer all my files onto my new computer. I hate such tasks, have been putting it off for months. But I did it, then rewarded myself with the first pool day of 2025! Sunscreen on, new Beach Bunny album in, taking notes for a new short story. The dip was excellent. Puhg suggested a date night around 7:30. I walked down to the gas station and bought a bag of jalapeño chips, got fresh mango from the cart out front, made my way to the knoll and my tree.

There's a tree with red bumps I've been spending a lot of time with. I like to lay under the shade and wave at her leaves. The traffic was atrocious so Puhg suggested the taco shop 1.5 miles away. A hefty walk, but a walk nonetheless. I had two vegan corn ones and we saw L____, who was picking up a to-go order. I saw JB's boyfriend at the next table over but couldn't remember his name even though we went to a haunted house together once. At the crosswalk, a car blasted its horn, screeching to a stop an inch in front of me. Puhg indignantly pointed at the flashing lights, at us, standing there. The car squealed around, honking more, making a big scene. A few people on the sidewalk witnessed all of it. One of them shouted out, "You're even wearing bright colors!" Indeed, Puhg was in orange shorts, me a neon pink shirt.

Sunday morning I woke up early to dance then gather some donuts. Puhg stepped out for a walk and cartons of iced coffee. We bopped over the movies, for the 9:35 AM showing of Friendship. We laughed a lot. "Not even noon!" Puhg said pulling into our parking spot. Called my mom for her holiday. After lunch I read on the balcony. Saw a huge spider on the wall, talked for a little bit. I took a selfie of us, texted it to Puhg, he came out to join. The spider got shy and hid under a corner of astroturf. I sent a ton of emails.

At least once an hour I felt the slime of shame slither through my body. Still thinking about that show. How I biffed it. I started to become superstitious even. Like what if my entire life was leading up to that moment, to inspire the children I saw in the audience to despise oligarchs and follow their hearts? I try to do a meditation but fall asleep on the floor.

Monday afternoon I am so upset with myself I decide to buy the livestream of the show for $10. I know it will be a painful watch, but I need to know exactly what happened. Come to find...I wasn't that bad at all. I wasn't off-key. And in the finale?! The context made everything work! My little dance moves were small and reliable enough that two guys were mirroring them behind me. A battle happened stage right! Perfectly timed with my chorus! I hadn't remembered a verse I sang about believing in myself more than my dad Jeff Bezos?! Everything rhymed?! The performance was...good?! Could I have written it slightly better? Maybe? But maybe not! Objectively, a 10/10! After all that!

Sweet Potato Always

first month, july 2023

last day, april 2024

 

so go on, go home

honeybun

My aunt, my aunt, my tiny little dark-haired aunt. Her small shoulders held up high. I remember she told me years ago, her time is the middle of the night. Or it used to be. When everything is quiet and she can have a snack. And here I am, 36 years old--my time is the middle of the night, when everything is quiet and I can have a snack.

Some other things I love about my aunt include how she taught me to remember my social security number with a pneumonic device or how she always gets the name of every waitress or how she snorts when she laughs. She calls me honeybun and I call everyone else honeybun. I remember all the schemes I've been party to thanks to my aunt. Like the Christmas we all met up at The Mall of America. Or the holiday in San Diego. For whatever reason we arrived first, had one night of just us. We loafed on, I think, a mattress on the floor, gabbing our heads off. I didn't want it to end. I never want it to end. We stood looking out over the ocean with my cousin a few springs ago. She held out her hands to the sunset, okay now everything just...slow down, she said. I understood exactly what she meant. I too wanted the minute to be captured like a diorama I could live in.

It was so sweet she came to my college to see me as the lead in the musical. It couldn't have been an easy trek with my grandfather, but she did it, and we all ate ice cream together in the campus guest house. She helped me book plane tickets when I had a layover from my study abroad and she did my taxes for years. I was always eager to have her on my Pictionary team and thought it was adorable how she adopted Facebook earlier than most Boomers. She made a habit of sending me emoji hearts. My sister once asked her how often she used the website. She said, if you two post something there is a one-hundred percent chance I see it. She watched all the episodes of the TV show I worked on and even flew to LA to attend a taping with her lifelong bff. We went to a sound bath and a diner and had lunch on a Hollywood pool deck.

What a model of girlhood, to have not just one, but a pack of lifelong bffs. I spent a long weekend with her in a bungalow. I studied for finals at the table outside and we took a drive to a manmade lake. On our way home from dinner one night she started singing the Flintstones theme song. I can see it now, the way she bobs her head around when she's having fun. I'm told when she was a child she made a protest sign in support of the Black Panther movement. A couple years ago she made a joke to me about a disgraced celebrity. I said I didn't think it was funny, and instead of rolling her eyes she really sat with that then said, you know I never thought about it that way.

One time we lounged for hours in a coffee shop and she told me everything she was excited about in college. A thing she did decades after it might be traditional. She got her degree online, computing from the basement of her lovely nature-soaked home. She had dreams of ending welfare systems, and I take on these dreams as my own. She organized a women's march in her small neck of the literal woods and volunteers on behalf of animals. She's invested in the Native people surrounding her and often up for an adventure. She sent me a photo recently, she and her boyfriend snowmobiling. She sends me adorable photos of her granddaughter too. We don't see each other often, but we are in an important club together, as are all people who adore the same person.

When I was seven and afraid of her gruff husband she tried to explain Vietnam to me. When he passed away we visited her. I was making a pb and j and she gasped. She took the jar away, it was his last, it was his last. I recalled this years later and she laughed, sorry about that. But I wasn't sorry. I was glad to see someone going a bit nuts over something that seemed nuts-worthy. I've had a couple dreams about the man over the years, and I always let her know. Once their song was playing on the radio as I texted. It was playing in a gift shop last week. I thought of them.

It's cool she's always been up to crafty things. Like glassblowing or beading. A true artist, it's about the journey not the destination. Some other time she was staying in an Arizonan hotel. I drove my scooter over to have the continental breakfast with her. She made up a little English muffin with cream cheese and walnuts. She waxed on about the bad men who'd been in her life, and how she mommed through it. At one point she started crying. Why am I making myself sad? she suddenly asked. She also told me she'd really enjoyed the new Jackass movie, and, inspired by a recent watch, took a flying leap onto her own bed.

I still wish to do an improv show up there some summer. It might not ever happen, but I think about it every year. She said, oh I'd love that, mostly because I'd be cheesin' all over town about my niece. Everybody likes her, except the people who don't. She has wisdom about that too. How once a client was mean and rude and no matter what she couldn't win him. How to this day that ornery guy serves as a reminder that some people will just never dig us and that's fine.

Couldn't have been easy to watch her brother lose his mind and another lose his ties to the family. But she was beside them both when they passed from this earth. Just as she was with her father and mother. If I had to describe my aunt briefly I couldn't do justice, but I think the word "brave" would be in there.

I didn't much know her aunt R, but she made a point to tell me, that's who taught her "to aunt." So I guess I do know R, don't I? Just like most people who know me know my aunt--even if they don't know it.

Last I saw her was for an Italian lunch. There was surprise ham on my pizza and she was upset on my behalf. She looked at my puffy white coat and said in her next life she might dress a little fancier. We remembered how my college boyfriend's dad had been in an internment camp and didn't like to talk about it but did tell my aunt the first time they met, over breakfast. We laughed so much and I don't know what about. Something about vowing never to return to the Orlando airport then deciding she didn't actually care about it that much. There is an urgency when we're in person, like there's a full bottle of magic--only we may not have enough time to uncork and guzzle it all.

She told me she remembers trying to swim across the lake together. We didn't end up doing it, but I think it's really special we set out at all. I was little, but I recall splashing near her, the dock getting smaller and smaller behind us. And other times I feel like I'm on that dock, watching us go. The child and her aunt are the ones getting smaller and smaller. 

fall 2023

junk

 you covered me in junk

and said it was a gift

the junk so very heavy

I felt my insides shift

junk was piled so high on me

to move would make it shake

so I lied and closed my eyes

and felt my own heart break

couldn't even see the junk

since I was underneath it

but still you kept on shoveling

in junky little pieces

I asked for you to stop

in fact I started screaming

because I felt the junk collapse

guess you were off or dreaming

of what I'll probably never know

I hoped for a solution

but you had no plan to save me

just your own delusion

I whispered from the bottom

won't you ever pull me out?

but of course you didn't hear me--

too much junk was in my mouth

you said it was for me

but I don't think that's true

because I never asked for junk--

the junk was all for you

you covered me in junk

then you said it was a gift

you covered me in junk

what an awful, rotten grift

At the Mermaid Shop

Got my highlights from JJ, my guy down the street, on Sunday. While I'm under the heat, he usually schedules in a short haircut. I couldn't hear in the fishbowl, but I observed, the guy got up urgently at one point and ran out of the shop. I looked over at JJ what happened? LOST HIS WALLET, JJ yelled over the air blasts to my head. I put bleach on my head every two months. This has gotta be something people in the future think is stupid. Anyway, JJ checked my foils, led me to the wash bowl. I love getting my hair washed in the wash bowl. I used to dread it, it hurt my neck. But JJ puts a soft towel down. He also designed the place, with dreamsicle walls and a blue fountain and puffy seafoam clouds. Partial list of things JJ has told me about over the past four years, when I first went blonde: leaving Armenia, wishing his kids weren't always on their phones but having nothing else for them to do, how he met his wife, his uncle who might haunt him, how our current president is a liar, how nice the new taco stand is, Easter traditions, preferring travel by boat.

Last appointment, two gals tentatively poked in. Does anyone here do curly hair? a gal asked. I said, Well JJ is great! He went to get something. This place makes me feel like a mermaid, I told the gals. One made an appointment. JJ came back smiling. Thank you, sweetheart, he said, because I don't have an instagram. It was the day of the Super Bowl and we talked about how we must not care since we were both there. He said, But what I should really do is say how important you are as a client, that I missed the Super Bowl for you. I laughed. As I was leaving with my new 'do all puffed up from the blowdryer, the next guy walked in. A beefcake. I turned around and said, loudly, Thank you so much for making time to see me, JJ! I know you really wanted to watch the game! The new client said, Oh wow thanks man! JJ winked at me, I winked back.

As JJ scrubbed my head Sunday he said, Oh I hope he finds his wallet. I agreed. Then the guy walked back in, holding said wallet high. We cheered. JJ said we'd been praying for him, er, hoping for him, he amended. JJ is very careful. He's a small business owner after all. Anyway, I hadn't realized, the very middle of the client's hair had already been buzzed. He was running around town looking like literal Bozo searching for the wallet. We all had a good chuckle. As I settled in for my blow dry, I noticed the guy staring at his reflection. Might be your next look! I joked. He said, It's just...my dad is bald down the middle. I look so much like him right now.