Straw

On Friday we went to the movies because why not try. Saw Heretic. It was nice. Then crossing the street back to our parking spot, some guy in a white sports car zoomed across the intersection, turning left, nearly hitting Puhg. I screamed, so the car swerved--nearly smashing into me. The guy's window was open, and I screamed, "STOP!" at him, tears in my eyes.

He laughed at me.

I screamed after him as he drove off. I rushed across the street, shaking, and as I did another guy in a sports car zipped by. He rolled down his window and yelled, "YOU SHOULD KEEP YOUR HEAD UP, BITCH." Pugh threw the last of our fountain soda toward him as he burned rubber away.

I burst into tears and ran into Puhg. We walked down the street, me crying. "Oh," Puhg said, "Your...straw." The metal straw I keep in my purse so I don't have to use plastic around town. Like that even matters. Or ever mattered. There's microplastic in every single food we eat and beverage we drink.

Anyway, the straw was in the soda cup. Puhg turned around, squinting into traffic at night. "It's okay," I said, "I don't want it anymore."

At home Puhg gently suggested I could have put myself in danger, yelling at that guy. "But he almost killed me," I said. "I know," he said.

The thing about me is, I'm not just gonna stand here and let myself be killed.

Community Is The People You Know Jack Told Me

In the morning no one wanted to say it out loud. I was up at 5 AM, seeing what there was to see. Puhg decided not to be on his phone, wiser than me. But I needed to witness it. Present tense also.

I texted the gals I'd started texting at night. When ____ texted me the news, before it was official. It happened in ten minutes, I keep saying. At 9:20 I didn't believe and by 9:30 it was done. So the gals being, Cass and Shell and Nini. My mom called. We'd scheduled to talk a few days ago, because she was going on vacation, not for any other reason. I walked my usual path, the bees, the trees, and the hill that opens up into skyline. I try to express, I just don't understand reality anymore. How long is there until? I can't remember if I took a shower.

Seline texted she was sobbing, walking her husband, a middle school history teacher, to school. I was crossing the boulevard, felt a huge sob in my chest and just started bawling in front a crew of folks headed up the mountain in tall socks. Met Pugh at the cafe. Immediately, the two cutely-dressed 20somethings next to us started chattering about improv classes. I had to get out of there.

I missed the start of my writers' group, but I decided to drive over for the last half hour. Triscuit offered to buy me a coffee, even though is younger and poorer than me. We talked about Parable of the Sower and who feels what level of severity. District said he was horrified, but we just have to make it through. Triscuit and I, less sure. Lan, the wisest, chooses to listen, with his dog on his lap. She has heavy eyes and doesn't know anything. District said he was excited for the Wicked movie, and I said me too. We need to sing karaoke, he said, and I agreed. He said we should sing "Loathing." I said it was too appropriate. What IS this feeling, I asked? He began singing, and I didn't leave him hanging. I drove home listening to "All Too Well (Ten Minute Version)" and hit that little rewind button several times so I could scream FUCK THE PATRIARCHY ten times in a row. Parked, I watched my clip of Taylor Swift singing in live.

I had one work email to answer, which I did. I went on the internet for a while, panicking and hoping. Wrung my hands. Thought a lot. Jack and I had talked so much about revolution in New Orleans. He writes me that in hindsight, that conversation was so important the entire universe brought us together for it. Reminded Diz to eat lunch and vice versa. Crab had asked if we could meet. We hiked up to the Hollywood sign. We started talking about the real things, but soon she started talking about work and projects so I put on a mask and didn't like it. It was 80 degrees in November. I wore shorts and a t-shirt and came down sweating. My sister and I talked on the phone. We talked about trying and creativity. I text AB safe travels because she was starting on a new movie. "What a shit show," she says, followed by gratitude we get to do art and live in LA. Rain and I texted crying emojis, enough said. EDS asked how I was and I said he knew and I asked him and he said same. We went down to the dark place.

I'd sent Lavender a screenshot from Sex and the City Tuesday morning. Lavender asked if it was a real line from the show.  "Shall we get more coffee or shall we get guns and kill ourselves?" Neither of us knew. At 5 PM yesterday she texted me, "First of all I love you and am sending you light and love." Then she said she didn't even look it up, she remembered, exactly what episode the line was from. Carrie and Aidan had just broken up. I wrote back, "You starting with obligatory light and love is so dystopian hilarious." She said she knew.

Seline invited me to happy hour with she and Jello. Perfect, I thought. I stopped at the store, where my cashier asked how I was and I said good! you?! because I am so irritatingly trained to perform being good all the time. As the cashier was saying, "I'm good thanks for aski--!" I interrupted. "I'm actually not good. I'm not good at all!" He nodded and stopped talking to me. I walked down the street in my new black jeans listening to the bridge of "But Daddy I Love Him." I ran into Mand and Jia on the block, walking a dog and a baby. Jia's face was tear-destroyed. She said her walls were up. I asked Slou if she knew of any hiding basements in Toronto. I told C I'd work for his rights. Grave put me on a group text with our third friend, asking if we were in the organizing meeting for the climate group. She said she'd fill me in later. I felt guilt then thought louder NO I DON'T.

The gals all independently ordered nachos. As each plate came we all politely said, "Everyone help yourself I'll never finish these!" Then we hunched over the feast and gobbled every shred of cheese, deciding which version of Keanu Reeves is most attractive. I said Nancy Meyers or Bill and Ted. Seline said The Lake House. Jello mentioned Speed. The fourth, a movie I didn't know. Then Seline told us her husband knew it was going to happen. History teacher, I thought again.

I walked to the massage shop. The front desk gal said they were very busy. I had asked for my favorite specialist, but she was in Thailand. I asked when she was coming back. Never, actually. I got an hour massage from someone else and tried to feel all the knots in my back rolling around but still spent half the time in my head, thinking about climate collapse.

I zipped home for Survivor, my escape, but ended up crying because Jeff Probst basically forced a vegan contestant to eat chicken. "I hate him," I said to Puhg. And right then and right now I do. I fell asleep on the couch but woke up to hold Sweet Potato. I fell asleep again.

because its you

I’ll never get over it. I heard “argumentative antithetical dream girl” live. I screamed it, even. Next to two of my closest friends. We met when we were 11. And only now, in our 30s, can we begin to understand what that meant. As we sit in the fancy restaurant with honey butter biscuits and tiny dishes of pasta, brought by our waiter, who wears a pin that says, “we’re all just dogs in god’s hot car.” I didn’t know Belle moved in 6th grade or what Diz’s calendar of black dots meant. And now I do, and now we laugh over beignets and grief. 300 take-out coffees later, or at least three French Quarter cafe au laits later.

This weekend was an all-time golden life highlight. Trotting around, lured into charming shops and funny bars by the constant Taylor Swift blaring. At the airport I yell “1-2-3—" before climbing in the cab, a Swiftie shyly mutters back: “Let’s go, b*tch!” And I do the same thing on Friday afternoon at the hotel pool, the sea of eager girlies chiming in before I cannonball. On Saturday the chant booms, the Superdome quaking in girlhood. When it’s one for the money and two for the show during “Champagne Problems” I see all the hands in front of me whip forward, just like I always do when I’m in my car or bedroom, listening alone.

I had no plans Thursday night, but when I landed, I found Gos had texted me. He was in New Orleans! Total coincidence. We walk the Halloween streets. Folks on a balcony hold up a sign that says, “Show Us Your T*ts.” Gos yells up, “I got rid of mine!” We split hot cauliflower and all our memories of the old comedy theatre. He’s happy. Life is long.

On Friday I am much too excited to sleep when the gals do, so I head to Bourbon Street alone. I get a slushy that tastes like wedding cake. Not sure what it’s usually called, but there’s a temporary sign slapped on the machine: “Love Story.” A bouncer beckons me into a bumping party. I jump with a hundred strangers and emotionally belt “Out of the Woods” with a circle I’ll think about for a while. After an hour of non-stop Swift, the DJ starts “American Girl” and the crowd boos. He puts his hands up, like we’re shimmery cops, and presses play on “Style.” YOU ALREADY PLAYED THAT we screech. He says into the mic, “Wow, Swifties let you know fast!” And he desperately picks a folklore track.

SABRINA CARPENTER duet of "Espresso" and "Please Please Please." I had to sit down after. Mind fully blown. Throat shot. Earlier I’d told a random girl from New York, I’d love to hear a slow piano-fabulous “Welcome to New York.” Ten hours later, I do. I time travel to 2017, that depressing summer I couldn't find any work and ended up teaching drama at various summer camps. A first grader in the arts cabin pointed her finger at me one morning and commanded, "LET US DANCE TO WELCOME TO NEW YORK." And so I did. Meanwhile in 2024 the three of us make friendship bracelets and do our make-up and spit toothpaste in the sink while someone else curls her hair while someone else applies glitter freckles. It’s not unlike the summer camp bathhouse.

A stranger from the internet finds me to give me beads that spell “your ivy grows”—a sign. Blondie wore her lavender dress like I did. The psychic says, “definitely” and so say we. Belle watches her daughter’s softball livestream. Diz on the hunt for a soft pretzel. A stadium worker goes to the back to find some, hot and fresh. I give her beads that say “Swiftie” and I feel like we’re friends for all time. At airport security the woman who checks my backpack sheepishly asks if I’d like to donate any bracelets, and boy would I! I give her one that says "The Man U Script." She shakes it proudly on her wrist. I observe as our doorman becomes progressively sparkly all day. A very drunk guy corners me, says he’s so impressed by the culture, said he cried after a girl gave him a friendship bracelet. “I’ve never felt so welcomed before.” Yeah, man, I want to say, f*ck the patriarchy. We sing it loud and proud where football lives. The tiny gal in front of us dances in the aisle, proudly reciting if she were a man, she’d be the man. The itty bitty who gave me a yellow circle of “YBWM”—I’ll never trade it.

When it was all over, I was so fed I couldn’t even taste the bitter of bittersweet. We poured onto the street, completely shut down. I spy a woman in a gown getting her feet rubbed at a dinky massage parlor. Belle started chanting “Were you sent by someone who wanted me dead!” and it caught like fire, until there we all were, marching through the city like a femme rage army. We sign a fan’s white dress with our favorite lyrics. I write in Sharpie, “we were in screaming color.” We ended up in an air-conditioned room playing music videos. “She’s so young,” we keep marveling. So were we, I think. So were we.

On Sunday, with only an hour left in the magical city I decide to walk to the park. But on the way I see a familiar shop. The spot I had my tea leaves read when I worked on the cruise ship. Too kismet to pass up. The medium reads the cup, explains I don’t need anymore big dreams. I need to find people who will help me make my dreams a reality. I'll never get over it, how it hit different this time.

The Summer My Mother Made Grape Salad

 It was

a terribly gloomy June,

plans made of cheese cloth

and dreams cracked in half,

the summer my mother made grape salad.

It wasn't

for lack of trying.

I went to parties and cafes and community events at the Ruby place.

I wrote every day and I went to the pool also

every day. No,

really, I went for two months straight. Never missed

in my pink two-piece that's disintegrated now.

Faded into oblivion, caked in dirt.

I read all of Madwoman in the Attic and half of Still Mad.

I listened to Sabrina Carpenter and Charli XCX.

I had the young ones over to prep for SNL auditions

and discuss how to fight for a Free Palestine.

I rolled my eyes at the old ones, resentful to lose what I never gained.

Puhg and I went to the movies so often,

and I always liked it. Sometimes we went with another couple.

Sometimes I wore a mask. I said yes

to just about every comedy show, and I walked

home from UCB many nights, often singing the bridge of "But Daddy I Love Him"

while hiking up the big hill on Western. I saw coyotes twice and my hamster

only if I got up in the middle of the night.

I put my phone on Do Not Disturb to watch Eras livestreams and managed my Etsy shop.

My mom and sister visited in July. My mom had mentioned making the grape salad for the Fourth.

I hadn't had it in twenty years. She made two tubs, no thanks to me.

I ate through the glop for weeks. The crunch of brown sugar and the softened pecans.

There was power

in many moments! To see my own book on the shelf,

all the miracles my partner makes to make our life

so much better. The run-ins around the neighborhood and cackling with Tira

and when she apologized.

All the validation

that assured me

and assured me there is nothing stable anymore--

do with that as you will--

the summer my mother made grape salad.

Kia His Car

The frog was the payment. $3000 to replace the car battery. But the walk over was pleasant, at least. ApplePay feels magical when you’re buying a little treat and evil when you’re dropping an entire paycheck. BEEP there goes the money.

Bopped to the coffee shop with the big windows. Promoted my book, promoted my essay, and then Beef showed up. She munched a small croissant as we gossiped, right until I had to rush away for a lunch, at the wooden patio with the exec who said she wanted to pay me five figures to develop an idea and then ghosted my manager for five months. Whatever, now she’s buying me a $20 sandwich. That’s showbiz. In line we see another exec and then we talk about Taylor Swift for most of the meeting.

At home I fire away business emails. I spent the week working on a climate PSA, a Toy Conglomerate script, and my newest play. Plus continued negotiations and a new project. I rush down to the pool by 4 to read and dip before throwing gold glitter on my eyelids and Ubering over to some friend of a friend’s house. It’s where we’re meeting up to carpool to Olivia Rodrigo at the Kia Forum. Buckle is a great concert seat mate. He really lets his emotions out. I don’t take many photos or videos, opting to remember things instead. I am impressed by how much more of a star Olivia has become since I saw her six months ago. She lets the crowd take over, she offers up commercial insights. She is doing a show in a show now. I like the part when we all scream, “LIKE A DAMN SOCIOPATH” and I love knowing whoever she wrote that song about assuredly has friends in attendance. I order mozzarella sticks on the way home. They’re sitting on the ground, waiting for me when I make it back.

I sleep in Saturday, do a dance workout, hustle to the same coffee shop by 11. I clock two hours on my new play. It’s way too long. I’m 2/3 done and it’s already 150 pages. This one is a beast, but I think about it all the time, now that I’ve slotted it into first position. Not a day goes by some line or new accent doesn’t pop into my head when I least expect it.

I eat vegan buffalo wings and carrots, watch part of the John Travolta movie Phenomenon with Puhg. It’s so boring, but I am curious how it will end. Drive to Trader Joe’s for a variety of snacks, read at the pool, hop in, get my hair done. My guy gently checks my political temperature then conspiratorially informs me he thinks 45 is the literal devil. I read Miranda July’s new book under the heater. The highlights look splotchy, which they always do, but who really cares? I like getting shampoo’d in a teal wonderland with a fountain and paying $90 cash.

I shove a hoodie and blanket into my backpack and grab a beach chair and head to the Hollywood Forever cemetery to watch Bring It On. The friends of friends had invited me and I think they’re all surprised when I show up. I talk about ceramics with one, camo pants with another, the ethics of using certain homophobic slurs cheekily with a third. Kirsten Dunst is there and knowing that does enhance the experience. The crowd keeps screaming when her teen character makes good choices. I munch brie and dried apricots and cotton candy grapes and about 20 cookies. Puhg picks me up a few blocks away. I stay up, listening to a YouTube video about changing your mindset and eat about 30 more cookies. In the middle of the night, Sweet Potato gets scooped, and I pet her nose.

At our traditional morning spot, Puhg and I do New York Times puzzles and chat with a barista about The Egyptian. I plot out my week’s goals. I have a deadline Wednesday and I am torn between working on it all day (to get ahead) or "enjoying the weekend." I decided on the second and go to the pool. Almost done with my feminist literature book, dive in, float around. Puhg has a lot of news, but it’s mostly good, I think. Buffalo wings and carrots and then I drive over to the friends of friends joint birthday. Tarp says, “Three days in a row!” And it’s true. We buy bingo cards, and a chicken is in a coop, and the sun is blazing. I pay for valet, drink half a watermelon slushie, am only a little in my head when I gab with my friend who became a gatekeeper who is maybe back to a friend.

Home just in time to Zoom with Cobra. She’s going to work on herself for the next six months, she declares. We laugh about the state of our industry. I wear my lavender romper and head to our Mexican restaurant for a double date. Everyone talks about who they were in high school, we eat four bowls of chips, a plane pens ‘SHERRY” across the blue sky. We walk down to the cabaret theatre to see ____’s work in progress solo show. It’s more heartfelt than I anticipate, a pleasant surprise. I enjoy seeing a dozen or so people from my past but I am relieved when I’ve said all the hellos and can walk home listening to Radiohead. I post photos to Instagram and after Puhg explains Sweet Potato is refusing to come out, I fall asleep.

The Shake Shack in Hollywood

Wake up before the alarm, to a text, asking if I can hop on a show this Friday night. I can! A dance workout, put pumpkin rolls in the oven. Wear my new concert t-shirt. It's baby blue and reminds me of how fun it was to scream "Constant Headache" at The Greek in a row by myself.

I trot down to the coffee shop to meet Puhg for a latte. The barista working, my favorite, a young director. I journal and jet of by 9:10 to meet my writer's group for breakfast in Hirshy's beautiful backyard. I make a big deal about taking the last apple pop-tart and then don't even finish it. Shawl texts me we could write at a cafe together for an hour. I'd have to bail early and consider, as I do often these days, how much to amend my life to accommodate famous people. But the cafe is only five minutes away, so I go and order two eggs and and a lemonade and gab with the funny star. After she leaves I write a scene of my new play, make it home by 2.

Answer some emails in bed. Set up a coffee with AB for next week! Hit the pool. Read my fat Madwoman book, swim, swim, swim. In the deep end I find a bee. I use a leaf to air-lift her to the ledge. Every lap I take a peek. She seems to be breathing and drying, like ohmyGOD what was that all about?

Shower and get ready in a jif. Decide to go with grey dress and bubblegum lipstick. Hop in a cab to meet my manager at the Shake Shack on Hollywood Boulevard. If you live here, you never go to Hollywood Boulevard. It's funny to sit waiting for her around all the tourists. K___ is quite late, but I don't mind. I practice my Japanese. She shows up with her magic company credit card and I get to eat a veggie burger and Coke. And we gab about all my meetings from the week and how hopeless this industry is. But it feels better, when I'm laughing about it, eating a free veggie burger and Coke.

We walk two blocks to the networking mixer and stop to enjoy bits from the walk of fame. I take a picture with Bette Davis's star. Feels important at the time. At the mixer I see a writer I know, who immediately tells me he had to get a survival job in marketing. We run into a theatre producer and I feel myself ooze. I'm sick of oozing. We chat with another exec, clink classes with a couple other writers. One is so fresh-faced and nervous--I admire he came to this big group thing alone.

The pack heads to the theatre on foot, and we watch a brilliant production of Company. My dear friend R___ waves to me at intermission. She's wearing a bright yellow dress and looks anxious. In Act Two I spend a lot of time thinking about my own work. I try to stop myself, but inspiration can't always be tamed. My manager and I gossip out into the night and go to the chic ice cream shop to discuss everyone we know in the context of the musical. Once my mouth is black from brownie batter I call Puhg to pick me up. My manager reassures me, we are getting by. We're cockroaches, but we're alive. And then, a cockroach crawls up from the wall behind her and threatens to jump into her hair! I pull her away in the nick of time.

At 11 Sweet Potato is up, lying very flat but happily in Puhg's shadow. She gets an apple slice.

Float Away Then

On a gust of wind. I'll float away, maybe like an old party streamer, but let's not kid ourselves, more accurately, a piece of garbage. A piece of garbage so unwanted that whoever threw her out couldn't even be bothered to make it into the trash can.

She's lifted from the sidewalk and spins up and up in a gust. Maybe she'll get stuck in a tree, or maybe she'll just land at the dump. Where she's always belonged. It was nice pretending for a while. It was stupid, but at least it was nice.

solstice is stupid this year

two cockroaches in the apartment, empty promises from every stupid person in this town

rich people say they love my work then chuck it and run off to the Hamptons while I fry alive in this wretched place

but it's not just business, I can handle being unwanted but I'd rather just know instead of find out

tore the whole place apart looking for my credit card

I was getting an award tonight so I dressed up in a big stupid dress with stupid boots and drove an hour across town but my manager realized she was sick the moment we met so she bailed and I sat like an idiot at the fancy restaurant wondering if I should buy the stupid $22 salad anyway because I was so hungry but also so depressed, the waiter never came so I didn’t have to decide, I just left

walked to a diner instead, had my Coke and veggie burger in a booth alone, it was $20 and it all may have been salvaged if I had my book but I didn't

went stag to the ceremony, couldn't even fake it, basically dead as someone ran up to me after "are you just so excited?!" for what I wanted to scream at them for exactly what would I be excited about

forget it let the sun sink into the ocean and take me with her

crying at the cafe

You haven't disappointed me. I just don't want you to disappear before you're even gone.

I love you, from the strands of my ponytail to the tips of my toenails.

I don't want you to be so concerned about what I'll think that you vanish. Please! Don't vanish.

I Act Like It's My Birthday, Everyday

Another year around the sun, another bunch of songs that propelled the turn! It's mostly Taylor Swift and I don't want to hear about it! She released four albums this year!

Hits Different by Taylor Swift -- marching around the picket line

Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince by Taylor Swift -- jamming on the way to the studio

You're Losing Me by Taylor Swift -- listening, obsessively, on repeat at the coffee shop as I journal

Happier Than Ever covered by Kelly Clarkson -- walking into open gym

Cruel Summer Live by Taylor Swift -- hitting the nostalgic rush

22 by Taylor Swift -- a highlight of Eras, and watching Eras TikToks

Our Song by Taylor Swift -- an ultimate manifestation

Exile by Taylor Swift -- incredible live!

Weeds by Beach Bunny -- the hottest concert ever

all-american bitch by Olivia Rodrigo -- shower singing (screaming)

Entropy by Beach Bunny -- the first play workshop!

The Archer by Taylor Swift -- believing in my play

Bitch by Meredith Brooks -- pre-show, waking across the stage, telling the sm it's go time

mad woman by Taylor Swift -- dealing with work drama!

Bed Case by Tancred -- time travel to a different Alice

Halloween by Novo Amor -- fall, even in California, arrives

King of My Heart by Taylor Swift -- fall has nighttimes too

Say Don't Go -- trotting around Japan!

making the bed by Olivia Rodrigo -- hm thoughts, hm questions

Supermoon by Charly Bliss -- pining for another Alice

Christmas Dream by Perry Como -- Christmas in the midwest

New Years Day by Taylor Swift -- hopeful new chapter

Anti-Hero by Taylor Swift -- did a Youtube dance workout one million times to this song

brutal by Olivia Rodrigo -- jumping in concert with my sister!

mirrorball by Taylor Swift -- inspo for the novella

Pink Pony Club by Chappell Roan -- ending the grey spring, emerging into summer

I Can Do It With a Broken Heart by Taylor Swift -- nighttime neighborhood stomps!

But Daddy I Love Him by Taylor Swift -- number one bridge to yell in the car

The Black Dog by Taylor Swift -- on the balcony, thinking

Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid -- Friday night karaoke in Silverlake

Windows Open

What if I kept the windows open? What a terrifying venture, for someone like me. Some artists always have their windows open. Their windows are open all year, even. Like, it's winter, and probably time to nestle in, but there they sleep, snow falling onto their pillow. Or it's summer. Time to close up and run through the yellow fields! But, still, some will stay by the window. Anything could come through, they yearn.

I don't have faith, I've learned. I assume no one is coming and no one is listening and no one cares. I delight to be proven wrong and suffer shame when I've shut and locked too soon. Rather, on time. A friend arrives, after all, taps on the pane. It's too late though. It's never a punishment. It's my little log cabin. The only one I have. With my candles and nightgowns and quills and view of the frozen river. Everyone is invited, but not everyone can make it.

I was never good at sports / save the games for the girls on the tennis court

Duck Bill

At the coffee shop. Puhg just left. He laughed as he went. I was chattering on and on about something, god knows what to be honest. Sometimes I can’t stop. I wish I could, but on these mornings, before 9 AM, I’m blooming with so many thoughts, grandstanding about art and capitalism and theorizing about myself and everyone we know. I started laughing too and we just nodded at each other. As he stood, he kissed my head and reassured me, “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

I chuckled nervously because what kind of person must be reassured nothing is wrong with them, besides a person who is assuredly defective? Puhg shrugged, perhaps reading my mind, “You look at a platypus, and think it’s pretty weird, but you don’t think something is wrong with it.”

ihih

 I hate it here so I will go to

secret gardens in my mind

People need a key to get to

the only one is mine

I read about it in a book when I was a precocious child

No mid-sized city hopes and small town fears

I'm there most of the year

Cause I hate it here

I hate it here

My Imaginary Forest

When I wake up, before I remember

my life, sometimes I can pretend

I live in the imaginary forest.

The traffic is rushing water

and from my pillow view

out the sliding glass door

everything is green,

like I live in a treehouse over a brook.

On Sunday I was at the coffee shop when Puhg texted

they cut it down, the bright one,

the one the pair of hummingbirds live in.

As I crossed the street back I saw two men in vests and goggles

and a pile of dust and a mound of dirt.

I asked what happened, they said landscaping.

I said no one told us, they seemed sorry.

I asked if there were more coming down and they pointed to another.

We need it, I said. It’s true, we do. All summer we cook

against that wall.

No one in the building has bedroom AC.

I went upstairs, frantically paced around.

I went on the balcony to watch as they prepared another slaughter.

I opened my email to find the property manager’s contact information,

not fast enough. They were whirring the chainsaws.

I ran down again and pleaded,

who can I talk to? There’s been a mistake.

One guy said, I know, I know. He pointed me to his boss,

down the sidewalk. I rushed over.

I live beside the tree, I told him.

He didn’t need this. Not in the rain. Not on a Sunday.

He said call the building manager, so I did immediately.

He rolled his eyes and said we should just walk over.

So we did. Poor M___, grey haired and tired,

she was spooked to see us.

The guy said I need to talk to someone

about the last tree. M___ called the owner,

explained there is a tenant, upset, tree reasons.

I could hear the owner’s annoyance over the phone,

“I don’t work Sundays,” she said.

M__ said, “Neither do I.”

Neither do I, I wanted to hiss. But you didn’t think about that when you sent a bunch of men and metal to my window at 8 AM, did you!?

M___ gave me a shrug. So I leaned over,

close as I could to the phone, and said—

That tree is not coming down. I am hugging the tree!

The tree guy threw up his hands and walked off.

Owner grumpily said they could do a call tomorrow.

M___ mumbled maybe it would work out.

I huffed back out into the rain. Tree guy approached me.

He said, How about this? We just trim the tree?

Yes! I said. Yes! I made him promise, he laughed and said,

I promise, I promise.

I sat inside at the the balcony door, peeking at the guy up there.

He kept his word, only trimming.

Why didn’t they just trim your friends? I asked her, telepathically.

I made a batch of cookies for the trio in orange vests.

A thank you. But I also left my number

on a Post-It. Maybe they’d tell me

if something bad was going to happen later.

I tried to calm down and have a “rest of the day.”

But the next morning I woke up

and saw the skyline instead of leaves

and cried and cried and cried.

Later, when I was at the cafe, I got a text

from a number I didn’t know.

“Hi Alice. This is Paolo the tree guy. I just wanna thank you for the treats. It was good. You are awesome thank you??”

“Hi Paulo! Thank you so much for helping me save that tree! I love that tree.”

“I can tell you love that tree have a wonderful day”

Hamster Claws

I. Floaters vs. Clawers

I've long had this theory that (working) artists tend to fall into one of two categories: floaters and clawers.

Floaters are naturally talented, typically fun, and well-liked. They seem to sweat inspiration, which is to say, easily, without much thought. They tumble into acclaim because they're so delightful. We all know a floater.

You can guess what clawers do. They find some large rock on the beach, bitterly carry it back to their cave, chisel away for weeks, take opinions, chisel more, take more opinions, go marvel at the floater's most recent sculpture (made hastily, incredibly brilliant), chisel more, sandpaper, sandpaper, sandpaper, then finally present, breathlessly. Half the time swim, half the time sink. It is what it is.

You can guess which I am. I don't mind. Maybe I'll change, but lately I've been bending toward--not total--but a kind of predestination. This is who I am, this is who I have been. I don't always like it, but there must be a reason I continue to be it. I don't believe our "worst qualities" are necessarily "bad." (Trying not to believe in "bad" honestly. What is "bad"?) Our worst qualities are a foil to our best. Maybe it's a package deal. Not that that would be an excuse for...whatever one would need an excuse for.

I'll admit I could loosen up a little. But who does that benefit? Sure, me, probably. ...But also The Oppressor, does it not?! It is certainly not everyone's lot in life to stomp around, but it's got to be someone's. Or how would things change!

II. Cruise Ship Advice

I kept asking the director for my cruise ship gig for advice. I wanted to meet with him privately. I was about to go off, literally to sea, and I wanted assurance I'd be considered for opportunities on land when I returned. Or, if I weren't going to be, I wanted to know why. He kept worming out of the ask, pretending his schedule was full (on a party boat with no cell reception).

Finally, after dinner, with another actor (but I'd take it), I asked, again, for advice. He was frustrated-- there's no promises there's no facts there's no future--but I persisted, I'm sure there is general advice. This man loved to act like the world's leading expert on comedy, and yet had not a single waif of an aphorism!? Which BY THE WAY, is a form of sexism! To express the knowledge needed to get into a male-dominated field is just kind of...understood, not able to be grasped, much too complex to become inviting. I DIDN'T BUY IT! So finally, this director gave me one consideration. He said you'd be surprised how many are so so so close to getting exactly what they want, and then they, for whatever reason, blow it up.

I have considered this "advice" many times in the past eight years. Maybe patience is a virtue. Or maybe it is a self-imposed gate.

III. Sweet Potato's Cage

Sweet Potato is the most determined hamster I've ever known. Tofu was a sweetie. A quiet lump who needed her creature comforts and little else. Cappuccino was "bossy"--she liked to command us with squeaks and pouts, but then she'd become comfortable, the little queen, and fall asleep on my chest for hours.

We've had Sweet Potato since July, and she's just never settled down. If out, she's attempting to jump from the chair to the bookshelf, to dig behind the mattress, to lift up the books on my nightstand with her snoot. No matter how long I let her out, how much I let her explore, it was never enough. On the couch she'd take running leaps off the ottoman, in her playpen she'd pick up the corner with her mouth and shake it, once back in her cage she would gnaw at the bars, climb the walls, chitter ferociously.

Puhg and I would try to explain, "Girl, you've got to stop! This is your life! This is it! You will never destroy metal, but you might destroy your little teeth!" I began to feel immensely guilty. I so wish I could provide this creature a totally satisfying life, but maybe that's not possible. Puhg and I considered what I could learn from Sweet Potato. God, she tries! But in vain! And she doesn't even know it! Everyone else can see it!

...Only then a month ago, Puhg started casually researching other cages. We've considered them before, of course, but our apartment is only so big and no abode is perfect and...long story short we got this massive wooden thing. A critter palace. Sweet Potato adores her new home. So much, in fact, she doesn't want to come out every day. She is busy with her tunnels and sunflower seed collection and wicker corner.

We told her, A for effort, but her situation unfortunately would never change! We, the people, who ultimately changed her situation!

Once upon a time, the planets and the fates

and all the stars aligned

Olivia Rodrigo February 24th

Moments after walking into the area we saw purple blurs all over. In people's hands. We stopped a girl and asked, where did you get that? She pointed to a little snack cart. I want one, I said to Pookie, do you? She shook her head, no, no. And she was right. Because who needs a small purple cup shaped like a butterfly? She agreed to wait in the merch line for t-shirts. We parted ways, but not before Pookie yelped out, desperately, "Wait! I want one too!"

And so twenty-five minutes later I was face to face with a guy who was used to slinging beers at basketball games, who now, inexplicably was explaining to me the cups were sold as vessels for purple glitter lemonade, with or without vodka. I just wanted a Diet Coke and Pookie, an iced tea, which wasn't available. I asked the man if we could get the butterflies filled with Diet Coke and water. He frowned and explained, that would still be $44 dollars. I said that's okay, we just want the dumb little cups. He asked, "What?" So I repeated myself, "We just want the dumb little cups." He nodded, "Got it."

Am I morally opposed to plastic? Yes. Am I morally opposed to overconsumption? Yes. Am I human? Yes.

The singing at the jumping, the stickers on our faces, applied in the bathroom at the pita restaurant we went for dinner, later traded with the cuties in our section. The excitement of a setlist we'd never heard tell of, only guessed at! While taking the train as the sun set. The huge moon that loomed over us, the tiny squeak of the girls behind us. Sisters, possibly. To our right college besties? In front of me a teen boy mouthing quietly to every word.

The way Miss Rodrigo stomps in those boots. A specific knee-high splat splat splat. The rush of realizing there are no men on stage! The bullhorn and the square bed. The screaming into the void in the darkness. I wondered what everyone else was screaming about. I always do. The confetti of purple stars and the warm evening and the okayness of always staying up late. In the morning there were macarons and iced coffees and a particular bush, in bloom, that smelled like pine and flowers at the same time.

Happy Valentines to Puhg

 I woke up deathly ill. Puhg got going right away. He turned on the humidifier and brought we a glass of water, he set up my little nose steamer gadget. I laid in bed, drowning in mucus.  He made me a hot tea. He said he was going for a walk, so I said I'd join. Some fresh air, some sun. We had to walk very slow, but I made it. He went for his usual little coffee at the neighborhood spot. I went to the fancy natural food store to look for anything I'd be able to eat. I got a bachelor loaf of brioche and some organic ginger ale. I remembered it was Valentines. Puhg brought me a bouquet yesterday, and a second for my galpal, whose birthday we missed. It was a pink assortment, and I gave it to her at the Mexican restaurant last night, after Puhg dropped me off for Galentines. I look for a little snack for my guy. I decide on fancy apple fig newtons, but when I get to the register I realize I don't have my wallet. I go outside and get Puhg and have him come in and pay for me. At home I take a scalding hot shower. I make toast and watch an episode of Love on the Spectrum. In the living room. It's so strange to be in the living room during the day. Our house rules, as established in Covid, is that Puhg gets main room until about 8 PM every night, and I get bedroom and/or trot around town. I fall asleep, probably around 9:30 AM. I don't get up until 3. I'm caked in snot and my body is sore. I shower again and ask if Puhg will drive me to Burger King. He had plans to game with his friend in Arizona, but he pushes it so he can take me for fries and an Impossible Whopper I don't finish. Happy Valentines to Puhg.

Walking into the Eras movie, October 14, 2023

Friends

A bug was in the shower. A tiny winged thing. "This isn't safe," I warned them. "Please fly away from here." Luckily they did, but not far enough. Just to the other end of the shower. "No,  no," I clarified. "Out of here altogether." They flew behind the curtain, but after I rinsed my hair, I saw a black dot in the drain.

I used my lotion bar with my foot propped on the tub's edge. An itty bitty spider watched from the wall. I greeted her, it's nice and warm in here for winter, hm?

The hamster wakes and sniffs, loudly. She gets a sunflower seed. The shrimp walk across rocks. One stands still as the shadow from my head shades the tank. I look into the little friend's eyes. I think they look back, but they will never understand. And neither will I.

Saying Less

My resolution is to Say Less. It's been a resolution for the past two years, but this time I need to make it my singular focus. It can't be this simple, but lately it feels like every unpleasant experience I ever have is due to Saying Too Much. Then again, maybe I've had more good than bad come from Saying Too Much.

I'm reminded of teaching an improv class in 2013. One student was such a dork--but such a funny dork! For mid-terms I gave each student a challenge for their scene. The boy with the slow charm had to rush, the girl with all the questions had to make all the choices, and the dork had to play someone confident. He really couldn't do it, but that was funny too! After the exercise he slumped to his seat. "I get it! I have to stop being a dork!" No, no, no I clarified. You'll never not be you, but you can push the boundaries of what you is.

Being authentic and trying to say what I mean has been really important to me since I don't know when. Honesty is sacred, emoting is power, I MUST BE ME! My enneagram four wing never more ruthless than Sunday when I spent at least an hour fretting about what my phone lockscreen would be for the new year.

But a new take on authenticity has finally occurred to me. Maybe my full-throated beliefs are a privilege. The worst briar of the recent past, a person in my life trying to make me feel small. I spent dozens if not hundreds of hours considering how to express the deep and inappropriate discomfort this person has inflicted on me. But no draft was ever right because I don't think there is a draft that this person would fully accept. In the meantime, I wasted so much of my authentic energy on that stupid venture! I could have been writing play that ends capitalism or something!

I used to think saying something, even if no one agrees, at least let the fledgling truth exist somewhere, somehow. And I still think that. But alternatively, I could look for safer nests.

Last winter, I battled a conglomerate who wouldn't pay me on time. I hated how they made me beg for what was mine. My friend Mur suggested I stop explaining myself. You don't have to bare your soul because they're wrong.