Sunday, July 30, 2023

Good Enough

Is every problem caused by someone feeling like they are not enough? Oppenheimer was an evil little troll and I hate him. Get a life, I wanted to heckle in the IMAX. Something something if Hitler had just been accepted into art school.

If we focused on building every person's self-esteem would we end famine? Like how a prison education advocate I once met said the number one indicator of at-risk youth going to juvenile detention is if they pass or fail fifth grade math.

It starts with you, I know, I believe. If you don't like greed at the top, don't be greedy at the bottom. If you don't like big callousness, don't be small callous. And so I should feel good enough. Possibly not even just for my sake. But what are you gonna do? Would've, could've, should've.


the author in a theatre bathroom, July 2023

Friday, July 21, 2023

Work Week July 17th 2023

MONDAY: up at 7, journal on the balcony until 7:30, dance workout and shower, picketing by 9, walk the line with ___ & _____ friendly Chicago faces, at 11 hit the diner for waffle and brainstorming for my new play workshop, talk to my sister on the phone, Target for soap and pens, also buy a t-shirt from Hot Topic (lots to unpack) and a small work achievement gift for Puhg. Home by 4, make/eat broccoli and vegan chicken, write an episode of my new B_rbie series, polish two other episodes. Close my laptop at 8. Night walk. Journal. Watch an episode of Platonic with Puhg. Find my friend N____ is in it! Text him he did great. (He did!) Must have eaten something, must have gone to bed.

TUESDAY: up at 6, journaled and read until 7. Dance, shower, walk to Blue Bottle with Puhg by 8. Write B_rbie episode. Zip home for my 11 AM Zoom with a local lit manager. Afterward, feel overwhelmingly angry at the inherent privilege issues in theatre institutions! Lay in bed "languishing" Puhg would say. Text D___, who reassures me my feelings are valid. Polish B_rbie episodes and deliver four well before deadline. Send a flurry of casting texts. Eat egg salad. Start revising new TV sample, decide I don't have it in me. Push to next week. I'm on act five. Almost there. 3 PM, sit on the ground drawing mock-ups of promotional play materials while watching the finale of The Queer Ultimatum. Text Beef about my hot takes. Realize I'm very hungry, eat two scoops of beans with avocado. 7 PM meet Snake in my lilac romper at our local haunt, then the new cute Mex patio. We gossip until the waitress kicks us out at 11. Snake leaves in a cab, on her way back to Australia. I walk home singing Lover out loud.

WEDNESDAY: 7 AM balcony journaling, reading, dance workout, shower. Puhg and I at the little white cafe by 9:30. Watch more casting tapes, get into a low grade (respectful) fight with the director. Force myself to finish two scenes of newest feature. Run into R___ and her fiance. They give me advice on finding a theatre space. Walk home listening to Red (Taylor's Version). 2:30 phone date with D____, our annual catch-up since we were improv teammates. He still performs. 4:30 PM a comp for my next play arrives in the mail, some little thing from 2008. I start reading. 5:30 head to haunt again, meet with a playwright to swap advice, leave feeling inspired enough to get a slab of heath bar cake to swing up the street. 7:30 night in with Puhg.

THURSDAY: 7. Journal. Dance. Shower. Picket by 9, this time with C____ and J__, also from Chicago. Swap grumbles and ideas. See a couple other cuties in passing. At 11 diner for veggie melt, mean to write a scene of my next play but spend the whole hour writing an instagram caption. At noon see three improvisers across the restaurant, join them. One says, "We were just talking about you," but never elaborates.  I think about this for days. We dish until the waitress kicks us out. Home by 1, listen to a rough cut of our next pod series. Laugh a lot, text the talent, make plans. 2 - 3 revise act one of newest feature. 3 - 4 brain doesn't work, need to make a playlist for fun. Email producer and Beef about our short, set creative meeting for August. Egg salad, protein bar. Rethink this poster again. Spend too much energy organizing a bowling double date. Buy play tickets for Monday night. Throw on a dress and scamper downtown to see a musical. Run into D__ and his boyfriend in the lobby. Shirley Temples at intermission. Get home at 11:30 but not tired. Stay up until 1 AM writing in my art notebook, listening to Evermore.

FRIDAY: 6:30 balcony journaling, 7 dance workout, rush to Starbucks for vanilla iced coffee, get on 8 AM Zoom with Cowsk and AP to edit our pod, break at 11:40. Email manager about contract. Furiously review my notes for my 12 o'clock--pitching climate sketches to a new green non-profit. Answer pod texts and emails. 1:30 eat broccoli on the balcony watching Taylor Swift TikToks. 2 PM casting emails, theatre rental inquiries. Paw through my invites for networking coffees, decide on two and start scheduling. Get sad I'm not seeing the B_rbie movie tonight because I have to attend a dinky play reading at a little theatre in a desperate attempt for the artistic director to notice me. Schedule Sunday brunch with G__. 4 PM polish Act One of new screenplay. Write this blog post.

I'm sure I forgot things. I start every morning with four slices of vegan bacon.

Friday, July 7, 2023

Petal

I have to be more patient with myself. For so long all I wanted was to be a WRITER. It's been so long since I felt that stumble over announcing what I do. When I first moved here I switched off between introductions of, "I want to be a" vs. "I am a." I knew I was selling myself short with the first and worried I sounded like a liar with the second. Now it's just the truth. There's nothing else I do.

I recounted a story to Puhg yesterday. It floats around. 2014, I think. Back when I taught an English 101 that ended at night. By the time we let out, the rest of the school would be empty. I'd lurch to the adjunct office and grade papers. The windowless room made the dark hit thicker when I finally caught the train.

My friend GChatted me. She said she was doing fine, but lost. "What's the point? What should I do with my life? I have nothing to care about." I couldn't relate at all. I had no pearls for her. Not one. Because I don't remember a single day before my dreams gripped me by the throat and never let go. Puhg says that makes me lucky. He referenced that episode of The Bear, which is one way to cope.

Is what I make inside or outside of me? I truly do not know. Am I a tree with branches or do I just drop acorns? My favorite tree is the one I'd climb with pink flowers. It worked all year for those couple days of bloom. If I didn't notice fast enough, the lawn was covered in brown petals.

Saturday, July 1, 2023

You Out There

Where are you

out there?

I don't think you sit at the table.

I think you delight

in the mundane

and people

you don't know.

How are you

out there?

I worry you're lonely

but I'm probably lonelier

with my playlists and journals

for friends.

Are you

out there?

Now like I don't see?

You remind me of a ghost

but one day

you will be.

And will you miss me

out here?

Do you miss me

out here?