Inside the Skull

I look at this person across the table. We're on a patio, as people wont to be in le pandemic, and they say something and I laugh and then I'm like, "was that funny? I'm not sure." And somehow before my conscious mind even knows it, a new question, "Do I like them?" I don't know. I'm better at identifying who is in my life and why now. Ever since that chilly night I trotted into my therapist's office. I remember it was so dark out the window as she asked me why I had various friends in my life and sometimes I really didn't have reasons. Not that you have to have reasons for all of it, but sometimes I had reasons that aren't actually that good, it turns out. Like, "I've known them forever" or "they were there for me ten years ago" or "I was there for them two years ago." Really and truly I ask myself is this how I want to spend my time? Is this person's energy good for me and the world? I know why I asked the person across for me to meet up. They're very available, they want to fill all their time. I almost felt I owed them a debt for being busy for a month or so. But that didn't guilt me. No, sometimes I like to talk to this person because they understand a very particular corner of our career. And maybe I don't like them. I mean, I really really really do not know sometimes when it's 9 PM and you're on a sidewalk. I'm not better than this person. They start talking about something but in my head now I've moved on--"Do they like me?" And they probably don't know. When they were driving home did they think, ah, I'm refreshed or, ugh, I'm annoyed? I get frustrated with this person quickly because they ask for advice and don't take it. Why does that drive me mad. Potential wasted? Or not feeling heard. More things I simply don't know! I dive into this person's tuft of head hair and blink around from their skull. If I were them I wouldn't like me. Not because I think I'm unlikable, but because "I" wouldn't want to catch up with a friend who's always on the cusp of annoyed at "me." How is that any fun or worthy of these LA prices? And yet two days later, they ask me to make more plans. And I wonder, for some of us, if it's just about the attention always and forever. Just the attention of being a person at all--whether you like the entity giving you the attention a darn lick.