Maybe It Just Looks Different

When I was in third grade my life's dream was impossible. It's very confusing to hear, "You can be anything you want to be when you grow up!" and also, "7 is too old to become a gymnast." This feeling has haunted me for most of my life. Too late, too late. I don't know where the spirit came from. I'd like it to go. I believe what people tell me, and many people have told me I am too late. A director I loved explained wherever women are at 26 are where they stay. He was regretful about it, like, it's sad but true, toots. He thought he was lighting my fire. He thought I was 22. I was 27.

I don't think I would have traded it for the fall musical or my beloved speech team, but I wanted to play JV soccer in high school.. But everyone else had been on rec center leagues. I don't have "I'll show you" in my blood. I never have. Senior year I wrote a paper about how jealous I was of M Night Shymalan who so clearly knew what he wanted from life so his dad paid for him to go to NYU film school to do it.

But behind and ahead aren't real, I know. I see people lap me and sit the next one out. I underestimate someone who blows past me. It's not a track at all, actually.

So in third grade it was kind of hard to come to terms with this whole, "you're washed up even though you just found out about it" thing. I liked to play the first track of my George Winston CD and do a floor routine in the living room. I could do a cartwheel at least.

I let the dream float away. I did a local play or I became obsessed with Limited Too body spray. I read mystery chapter books. But what I didn't know is the dream never left me, it just put on a new outfit. It chucked what I didn't care about--the Olympics, muscles--and left what I liked--moving, with feeling, to music. So years and years later I fell in love with step class. And I performed weekly with my improvised musical cast. And we even had all these sell-out shows at the biggest theatre festival in the world where, yes, we were known to do a dance break or eight. I know for sure, high on a big number, I've done my share of leaps and tumbles. So maybe it just looks different.