Inspo from Relient K

-They are so dumb and cheesy, but they are what they are.
-Their music is very upbeat and fun!
-Their messaging meant a lot to their fans (still does?).
-A couple of their jams leaked out beyond their doofy community to something "bigger."

Things I Still Feel Bad About (Very Partial List)

-Not taking home a few slices of pizza from a bar in 2011. I really don't remember why I didn't just get a to-go box. I think I was full at the time, looking at the pizza, seemed impossible I'd ever eat again.

-Asking in a joking tone in 2009 if a black acquaintance didn't want to stay at the beach too long because he'd get sunburned. He smiled but didn't say anything. I also smiled but didn't say anything. I don't know what he was thinking. My guess was "Was that worth it?" I tried to seem confident, like nothing was wrong, so I probably looked like I was thinking, "I don't like you," but what I was actually thinking was, "That wasn't funny."

-Taking a sharp tone with a friend when she couldn't understand my GPS and we were lost and we had stayed out much later than she said she would at a work function I didn't want to be at--in hindsight I don't know what I didn't want to be there so badly, but I didn't and I did a big old eye roll at her from the driver's seat. 2013.

-Hiding from my sister in a McDonald's Play Place. 1992?

-Not casting a girl in our college improv show because she was too girly. Not having an honest conversation with another who was too uptight. 2007, 2009.

-Telling a very panicked and late woman at the Lakeview red line train station her stop was the other direction. (Realized after she ran off it wasn't, ran after her, couldn't find her.) 2017.

I Kicked a Tree in Anger

I kicked a tree in anger. I've been so mad this week, so on my walk, I kicked a tree. Puhg looked at me incredulously. "Hey!" he said like I was a misbehaved puppy. He was right. As soon as my sneaker hit bark, I felt worse. "What did that tree do to you?" Puhg asked.

I thought about our guide from the Amazon. He showed us the inside of a rubber tree, but slicing it with a machete. Then he covered the wound with dirt and said "thank you." He said trees talk, maybe to everything, but certainly to other trees. I think so. Everyone knows about mushrooms and their telephone lines. I used to love mushrooms growing up. I felt so close to them when I found a stray white bulb in a lawn pocket. In the grocery store, I'd shove my thumb nail into the dead ones in cartons. I liked how it felt. They were corpses, so I figured it was okay. I'd make X's on their skin. Sometimes when I see a mushroom now (small, red in this neighborhood), I say hello. Maybe they've heard of me from an aunt.

I apologized to the tree. I make a habit of not touching anything outside anymore. I open the front door with my butt and keep my hands at my sides. But I touched this tree where I'd hurt it. I said sorry. Then I hugged it. I hugged this tree for ten seconds. I felt it accept my apology.