On Location: Napa

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Discussions about confidence on the way to Burbank airport with Guff. Cowsk saves me a seat on the plane. She tells me she’s happy it’s me doing this, here. That is my deep maze in life, to be a person who you are happy is the one here. Landscapes are fake, all fake. I’m literally forever grateful for my nook in LA, but there’s relief when I see my hotel room with the pool view and white bedsheets. An oh when I see a shopping center walkable to the Marriot with Trader Joe’s and Target neon signs. Can't help it. I buy caramel ice cream from the former and watch Win a Date with Tad Hamilton in bed. I plan to write but fall asleep instead.

We film on a big ol’ hill for three days. I have a lot more respect for action movies, outdoorsy movies, winter flicks. At the end of Monday I find a tick in my bag. I am barely useful. There are minimal alts. Mostly stunts. I like tromping up and down though, even if planning bathroom trips is more difficult. This week I am distracted. In general I wrote maybe an hour, I don’t read, time sucks through screens and it’s tomorrow. I hate this feeling. Grateful I spot it so quickly. I had started to count down—partially to see Puhg, also because my job responsibilities are reaching mid-hour glass. I remind myself of a bunkmate from camp who took great joy in crossing off little campfire doodles over her bed as each day ended even though to my knowledge she was having a wonderful time.

Tuesday I spot a huge snake beneath AP’s chair. In the voice I learned to evacuate people from a cruise ship with I say, “Okay, everyone is going to get up and leave now.” Everyone jets out of the tent, but I stay, my eye on the slithery thing until the wrangler can grab it. AP mimics my manic yet peaceful tone for the rest of the afternoon. Cowsk takes me out to ravioli bread pudding dinner! She had an experienced woman help her out back in the day too. She tells me to do the same. I will. We wear blazers, say the things we hope. She has changed my life. And as with most people who change our lives, she’ll never fully understand to what extent. I call a Lyft and there are strobe lights and a microphone inside. The driver sees I am alone and says, “It’s just a fun thing, don’t feel pressured,” but I’ve already cued up Miley Cyrus. I sing my heart out, tell Grief & Cowsk over morning crosswords. AP asks to see the video and passes my phone around v vill. I snatch it back when it gets to MS. He asks if we can put it on the big screen.

Small existential crisis because making movies seems stupid.  Everything is an emergency, I say, and Cowsk says exactly. It’s so much time, so much effort, so many people and for what? I can’t stop scrolling through news about refugees. I could do something good for me but instead I have a slice of cake and an ice cream sandwich and then pizza as I get in the van. I watch a TV show everyone seems to love, grouch that it’s boring, eat potato chips until I feel foggy and pass out. I text Puhg. I’m reminded this is every job. This is a symptom. Just be good, art matters. I journal about what this story will mean for women out there and am mostly restored. The six stunt ladies are all friends and never get to work together because movies rarely have more than one (maybe two) female jumps, tucks, rolls. I could be any block. I’m not going to get over it tonight.

The dang thing is almost done but I feel like I have actual co-workers now. The winery is very pretty. I had time to send a few emails, but I couldn’t. Not today. Again, distracted. I work very hard to not eat junk and my reward is an Iron Chef Japanese restaurant at night with costumers and a makeup man. We dance so hard we are exiled to a private room. Our server asks us to leave out the back, but she is kidding. I love her. I think about loving strangers. MT has explained this to me numerous times. I look for evidence. My birthday is mid-may but dang if we don’t get cheesecake with candles in it. I bought too much cold brew and one of the girls says she couldn’t possibly take it from me. But I don't want it! I insist. Demand and supply.

Friday I run four miles and take a cab to the Michelin Star Napa God’s hut. I buy every pastry I’m interested in and sit in the floral garden chewing them. Banoffee cream puff: my favorite. We shoot in a small town. Crowds pack the streets with phones out for blurry pics of RD saying one line. A woman stands directly behind me taking photos for half an hour of AP’s back. It’s jarring. I understand, but now I get it. Grief helps me pick out a floppy sun hat, we split a puzzle book. We are next to each other twelve hours every day. I am already sad to split. I get so attached to people informationally. I like knowing what my third row-mate had for dinner, what time she went to bed, if she made any phone calls. I hold out for real dinner and end up printing revisions through it. Two people give me false directions and I almost cry I am so hungry. I find my Thai box and wolf it with gals + MR + AG. Happy happy tofu am I. I've experienced it my whole life--I'll never be me here, and then I am me here. There’s free ice cream with Pubble and the cones are made with cardamom. Storefronts, cool breeze, wet street. Like Wisconsin when I was a kid. I had a dream about our script super helping me in my personal life. It's just too much of my subconscious to handle. I tell Grief, who tells AP, who tells everyone at the oyster bar, and when I'm getting my headset on for a reset, I hear all the actors laughing about it. 

Buy sunscreen & yogurt, do weights in the gym. Take a sketchy bus with stare-ers and chatters and ooglers. (Uber back.) Vineyards unreal, pour some candy in an old train. Wish I could buy books like I used to. My mudbath is divine. I plop in and actually do feel poison shifting out. Hot sludge. I’d stay much longer if I could. A tub of orange salts, steam. Then I am wrapped in a cool towel and left to lie. I swim in the hot springs outside watching a mom filter a photo of her son while he screams, “PLEASE PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN MOMMA!” Lots of boozed up ladies. They put their hands against a waterfall and call it the “getting arrested.” I arrive at Oprah’s favorite things bakery with ten minutes to spare, pack my knapsack with treats (more later, more later). One of my favorite meals of, I dunno, ever with sweet potato fries and thick kale salad and chocolate malt. I’m beyond happy. I’m blissed out. What did I do to deserve this evening walk on the riverfront and a shuttle home with flashing lights and full control of the radio. I stay up too late but finally unpack my bags and make a to-do list. Eat an Oprah's favorite things English muffin. Distractions are over. I left them in the bottom of the muck.

Intersection of Upset and Grateful

"If I express my dislike for something, it is usually because the other 99% is perfect," my sister explains to me. We're talking about negativity. How I think it's a complete bummer and how she thinks it's a mere expression--and certainly not to be taken personally. (I know that too, but I still do it.)

Road trip gummies.

Would the world move on without the perfectionists bringing storm clouds to the silver sidewalks? Could the perfectionists quietly toil instead? Are things as they are perfect, or at least as perfect as we should be entitled to? I worry a life of constant critiquing doesn't leave much space for gratitude--which is the number one potion.

Ah, so, these are the times one must escape to the north woods. These are the days a knotted tummy and work email are not options. There are barrels of bulls eyes in the candy shop, a near-empty movie theatre, the late night chats, finding a toad, setting off a firework in the driveway, and the glittering flowage. The bags of carrot chips, the humongous muskie, a rope swing, and a new book--just cracked.

Fish fry.

Brownie sundaes for dinner.

Pontooning.

I could make you satisfied in everything you do/
All your secret wishes could right now be coming true.

Wisconsin in June

Typing in the guest bedroom with the concrete floors, fluffy blankets.
Basement, corner of the house. Middle of the woods.
It's been cool here, windy. Wildflowers--hot orange, little purple kisses.
Out running in sunshine, but it feels crowded. Trees brilliant--
but they hang over me, casting shadows, hiding the lake.
A toothless man in a van pulls up next to me.
I usually do not stop for this type of thing, but in America's
Dairyland...He tells me there's a bear ahead, so I 180.
I look up to find a dragonfly halo.

In town I remember sitting on the bench at the marketplace.
The old time candy shop. I wish I could bottle the smell.
It hasn't changed since I was four. The barrels of Bullseyes,
taffy baskets, cashew brittle on wax paper. Jars of gummy sharks.

Late sun on the porch. Two big ol' dogs.
My dad eats a sandwich quietly across from me.

Halfway

I am officially halfway done with my MFA. It was a good semester.

Fall 2012 in 26 Snapshots

Pumpkin bagels on top of the crockpot.
John D. croonin' out my laptop speakers.
Imagining Slender Man in the corner, by my closet.
I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her. Oh-oh-oh.
Longform sets on the park blacktop. Planes overhead.
Grey running shorts. Orange spotted dress.
"We Are Never Getting Back Together."
Chickpeas in the food processor.
Sitting in the back row of Primary Colors with Hill.
Warm-ups with Barren Mind in a Santa Monica parking garage.
Riding my scooter to Los Favs.
Shy boy sitting on the MU stage holding a sign that says "Period."
Wearing combat boots.
Watching The Mindy Project while grading screenplays about sushi.
Ro sitting at my kitchen table.
Stretching in a circle of green improvisers.
American Horror Story discussions in the ed building basement.
"Ball is fine."
The red cover of Topdog/Underdog.
Miming skipping rocks on a railroad track in Wisconsin.
The sink in Ermo's office. The plastic mug on his desk.
The town lake bridge in lit blue.
Ru saying YOLO.
New squishy bicycle seat.
Pincushion sprawled across a sofa in the theatre building foyer.
Opening the door from a dark room to a woman holding two blankets.