Inside the Skull

I look at this person across the table. We're on a patio, as people wont to be in le pandemic, and they say something and I laugh and then I'm like, "was that funny? I'm not sure." And somehow before my conscious mind even knows it, a new question, "Do I like them?" I don't know. I'm better at identifying who is in my life and why now. Ever since that chilly night I trotted into my therapist's office. I remember it was so dark out the window as she asked me why I had various friends in my life and sometimes I really didn't have reasons. Not that you have to have reasons for all of it, but sometimes I had reasons that aren't actually that good, it turns out. Like, "I've known them forever" or "they were there for me ten years ago" or "I was there for them two years ago." Really and truly I ask myself is this how I want to spend my time? Is this person's energy good for me and the world? I know why I asked the person across for me to meet up. They're very available, they want to fill all their time. I almost felt I owed them a debt for being busy for a month or so. But that didn't guilt me. No, sometimes I like to talk to this person because they understand a very particular corner of our career. And maybe I don't like them. I mean, I really really really do not know sometimes when it's 9 PM and you're on a sidewalk. I'm not better than this person. They start talking about something but in my head now I've moved on--"Do they like me?" And they probably don't know. When they were driving home did they think, ah, I'm refreshed or, ugh, I'm annoyed? I get frustrated with this person quickly because they ask for advice and don't take it. Why does that drive me mad. Potential wasted? Or not feeling heard. More things I simply don't know! I dive into this person's tuft of head hair and blink around from their skull. If I were them I wouldn't like me. Not because I think I'm unlikable, but because "I" wouldn't want to catch up with a friend who's always on the cusp of annoyed at "me." How is that any fun or worthy of these LA prices? And yet two days later, they ask me to make more plans. And I wonder, for some of us, if it's just about the attention always and forever. Just the attention of being a person at all--whether you like the entity giving you the attention a darn lick.

Who

I've decided to recommit to this blog. For so long I had it so I could write. Something. Somewhere. Over time I had more important writing projects and now I have a writing career, so this little junk heap has been my last priority.

"Introspective" is how I keep describing my summer. I've always had some semblance of summer vacation. I've never just worked straight through the season, even when I've wanted or needed to. Maybe I'm now cursed to always have time off and think about soft pretzels at the PH pool.

I have around a dozen writing projects at any given time, but which do I care the most about? Which would I fight for? Which are me? More, who is me? We like to think we know, but then you have a lonesome walk around your old neighborhood's book and coffee and donut stores, looking for a water bottle you dropped somewhere and you wonder, what have I liked from this visit? What do I think I like but didn't? What didn't I like but did? What even is a person beyond what they like, don't like, and make? I don't know. I had so much fun at The A with ___, but a few days later I realized we only talked about him. I wanted to be indignant, but I didn't actually care for some reason. I ring my hands over what perfect scone to order at the Ukrainian Village pie shop but ultimately go with, no, not the most "me" item but the one my guts 'n' butts ask for in the moment. I watch a very stupid and clunky musical my friends wrote and smile the entire time, I watch an acclaimed show at L__________. It's impressive. More than once I think "Ooh, ahh" but more than once I ask, "Do I like this?" What is "like" to begin with? In Japanese it is an adjective. That garden is pretty or full or like.

My friend is teaching at a prison. He said he might be able to set me up, but he knows I'm not looking for that. But why aren't I? I guess it would tank the momentum of who I am, but who I am isn't what I do, the self-help website told me. Truly an instagram account rocks my world every week with "reflections."I mean you can't chase every Like you have anyway.

Some things I like lately: knowing I am going on tour next month, the caramel cold brew I'm currently sippin' Midsommar, Phantom of the Opera, staying organized with my planner, singing Dashboard Confessionals in the basement of a Mexican restaurant, country music on the radio, hearing people's true ghost stories, my tatts, hot pink nails, massages, making a cheese plate for guests, rejection stories, research.

Like It!

A few years ago I worked on a flex team for an alumni event at my college. I ran around arranging centerpieces, unfolding and refolding chairs, posting signs etc. A job like that makes you realize, "Oh, somebody DID all this stuff. And that person is probably exhausted."

As I was leaving work for the final time on Friday, I noticed a display of book son tape in the center of the lobby. The display changes all the time. I thought, "Wow. That was really thoughtful." Whoever is in charge or the display realized a lot of students would be making long drives soon and wanted to remind them that books on tape are a good way to pass the time. But who do I throw kudos to? The front desk student don't care. I felt silly seeking out the head librarian to inform her I like something. There's a fine line of gratitude and egotism I'd be walking, right? "Excuse me, I know your time is important, but I want to inform you of an opinion I have (albeit positive)."

The only thing I could think of was "liking" the display. You know? Like a Facebook "like." Having a tiny yellow Post-It, writing "Alice likes this," and sticking it to the books on tape. Wouldn't that be nice? If the things we did in life were sometimes met with tiny near-effortless notes from strangers?

I'd much prefer that system of "liking" than the one most of the world operates on:
"OMG CRAZI NITE!! IF U C MY PHONE--CALL ME!!LOL!! OOPSIES! xoxo"
Shannon "Hottie" Smith and 9 others Liked this.