Another Vegan Month Over

My annual vegan month closed out on Monday. Last year Vegan April was a struggle for me. I found myself fantasizing about non-vegan snacks a LOT--snacks that I didn't even eat frequently.

On my drive to 25th Annual...Spelling Bee rehearsal, I passed a huge strip of fast food places, and I remember thinking, "I want a milkshake from every one of these chains. I swear to all that is dairy, I am living a deleted scene of The Odyssey."

But this month, I was actually so cozy in Vegan April, I honestly forgot about it. Notes on the experience:

1. This year, I've been mostly vegan, so most of my meals didn't change. I have huge thanks to give to peanut butter tortillas, Taco Bell bean burritos, Ethiopian food, and hummus.
2. I now have two vegan friends and a collection of sympathetic vegetarians. People are not just tolerant of my veganness--they consider it when we make plans, make food. It's not just about your ethical eating choices--you influence an entire community.
3. I continue to be interested in freeganing, but it's really not my favorite. I find when I freegan, I am less satisfied with meals since it's little bits here and there instead of something whole and satisfying.
4. Unlike previous years, I had access to vegan ice cream--which is huge.
5. I cheated twice.
     A. I made up my mind to eat a milk chocolate bunny for Easter. It was a gift, so it's not like I bought it, but if I hadn't eaten it in April, I would have eaten it in May, so I felt confident in my choice to nom it.
     B. Last week, I had an insane craving for french fries and a milkshake. I was working an twelve hour shift, and I could not imagine any other dinner. I decided to enjoy the crave and vowed to do a vegan makeup in May (maybe a cop-out since many of my days are vegan). I don't think this is that bad either. I told someone about this, and she said, "See? What if I were a vegetarian except I ate meat just once a month!?" And I said, "That would be awesome." Because it would. It's about doing the best you can. But REALLY doing the best you can. It was a conscious choice that I considered for literally hours when I cheated--if everyone took that much respect to the foods we eat, we'd live in a much better world.
6. I continue to respect veganism, but there are a few things that hold me back from the full commitment:
     A. It's very hard for me to pass up baked goods other people make, but, I did it all month, so not that hard. What I think is actually worse is that the sweets I eat are worse than if I just ate non-vegan dessert. IE I will eat literally 30 Oreos in a sitting, when I'd be much more satisfied with 1 non-vegan brownie.
     B. I only like non-vegan salad dressing, and it seems counter-productive to my health to give up salads in the name of veganism.
7. I've lost most interest in milk, most cheese (besides pizza), and while I like eggs, I'm sane about losing them.
8. If you are reading this, please consider how you can change just one thing in your diet temporarily. You will probably find it can be permanent--or at least, a rarity.

Days, Weeks, Years

Illinois. March 2, 2011.

Everything we do is an opportunity to become better than we were. If we do not take that opportunity, what is the point of being alive in those moments, hours, days, weeks, years?

Good, Bad, Good

I wrote this at 3:30 PM today:

"My hands smell like the hospital.
My hair is greasy and cow-licked.
My skin is breaking, white with purple blood hardening below.
My eyes are small. The crows feet circle in.
Pouches, like make-up bags, sit right below. Ironic--there's no makeup here.
There is too much going on."

Since then, I'm feeling better. It's funny. In the face of all the bad things that have cropped up this week--and let me tell you, it's been a doozy--I stayed strong, joyful, positive. But I reached a breaking point this morning and may or may not have bawled/ yelled (?) on a train full of passengers.


Aragon Ballroom, Chicago, 2009

But, since 3:30 I rested, thought, wrote. I'll write this now:

My belly is full of spaghetti and chocolate ganache cupcake.
Muff had cupcakes in her kitchen while I was there for her wedding.
I ate a few.
They were from her favorite grocery.
She said, "Just know, those are my favorite kind of cupcakes ever.
I have made love to those cupcakes."
My hands smell like laundry.
Diz is texting me:
"So did you apply to any grad schools in LA or what?"
And I like that.
I don't know what my eyes look like.


Muff&Jamba Weddingcakes 2009

Eating is absolutely my defense mechanism. I have eaten more this week than I have this...year. Or, so it feels. Every five minutes I look down and there's some new piece of cheese or marshmallow bon bon in my hand. WHAT'S THAT DOING HERE? I ask, shoving it into my mouth and chewing rapidly, so as to get to the strawberry yogurt faster.