Another Vegan Month Over

My annual vegan month closed out on Monday. Last year Vegan April was a struggle for me. I found myself fantasizing about non-vegan snacks a LOT--snacks that I didn't even eat frequently.

On my drive to 25th Annual...Spelling Bee rehearsal, I passed a huge strip of fast food places, and I remember thinking, "I want a milkshake from every one of these chains. I swear to all that is dairy, I am living a deleted scene of The Odyssey."

But this month, I was actually so cozy in Vegan April, I honestly forgot about it. Notes on the experience:

1. This year, I've been mostly vegan, so most of my meals didn't change. I have huge thanks to give to peanut butter tortillas, Taco Bell bean burritos, Ethiopian food, and hummus.
2. I now have two vegan friends and a collection of sympathetic vegetarians. People are not just tolerant of my veganness--they consider it when we make plans, make food. It's not just about your ethical eating choices--you influence an entire community.
3. I continue to be interested in freeganing, but it's really not my favorite. I find when I freegan, I am less satisfied with meals since it's little bits here and there instead of something whole and satisfying.
4. Unlike previous years, I had access to vegan ice cream--which is huge.
5. I cheated twice.
     A. I made up my mind to eat a milk chocolate bunny for Easter. It was a gift, so it's not like I bought it, but if I hadn't eaten it in April, I would have eaten it in May, so I felt confident in my choice to nom it.
     B. Last week, I had an insane craving for french fries and a milkshake. I was working an twelve hour shift, and I could not imagine any other dinner. I decided to enjoy the crave and vowed to do a vegan makeup in May (maybe a cop-out since many of my days are vegan). I don't think this is that bad either. I told someone about this, and she said, "See? What if I were a vegetarian except I ate meat just once a month!?" And I said, "That would be awesome." Because it would. It's about doing the best you can. But REALLY doing the best you can. It was a conscious choice that I considered for literally hours when I cheated--if everyone took that much respect to the foods we eat, we'd live in a much better world.
6. I continue to respect veganism, but there are a few things that hold me back from the full commitment:
     A. It's very hard for me to pass up baked goods other people make, but, I did it all month, so not that hard. What I think is actually worse is that the sweets I eat are worse than if I just ate non-vegan dessert. IE I will eat literally 30 Oreos in a sitting, when I'd be much more satisfied with 1 non-vegan brownie.
     B. I only like non-vegan salad dressing, and it seems counter-productive to my health to give up salads in the name of veganism.
7. I've lost most interest in milk, most cheese (besides pizza), and while I like eggs, I'm sane about losing them.
8. If you are reading this, please consider how you can change just one thing in your diet temporarily. You will probably find it can be permanent--or at least, a rarity.

After A While, Crocodile

Cast of Spelling Bee--an "in character" shot.

At the end of strike, we stood in a clump watching some tech guys dismantle the bleachers we sat on for hours every night for the past two months. It was time to go, and we each took turns hugging each other. Goodbyes are not as difficult after Sunday matinees. You know you are about to go home, have dinner with family, drive in the sunshine. It's much harder in the night. Alone.

As I left the theatre for the last time, I did know just how final everything was. I am moving across the country soon. I have no family and dwindling friends in St. Louis--barely a reason to return, let alone be in the area enough to bump into anyone I met on this show. I liked everyone, but I didn't truly become close with anyone. And, I don't have a Facebook. I will really probably never see these people again.

Schwartzy's car was parked near mine. We laughed and razzed even as we were walking farther and farther away from each other. I saw her small in the distance, and she was still yelling, "You know what, Alice?!" and I was laughing. She opened her Jeep door, waved, and then, "Hey," she said. "Hey. I hope we do meet each other again. If only so I can prove to you I am just a little bit more successful."

I crumpled into my car, chuckling, putting on my sunglasses. I did not know the void of nothingness could be so bright. "So longs" happen at Chuck-E-Cheeses and open mic nights--not just prison and graduations.


Girl talk with LC and Muff in my bed this week made me feel like college never ends.

When I had driven Muff to the airport just a few hours before the final curtain call, I said, "It's all good because we will definitely see each other again. Unless one of us dies first." As if there's an alternative to those options.

Goodbye, you were good but not good enough.
So please don't ask why. Simply say, "Goodbye!"

Deserving

Last weekend was opening weekend of Spelling Bee. After the Friday and Saturday shows, most cast members went out drinking/partying. They'd ask, "Where are you going? Where were you last night?" As if being in a community theatre performance is reason to celebrate with no inhibitions. I don't want to sound like a complete grouch/grinch. It is a celebratory event! And, yeah, I did work hard, but I also had a lot of fun, and being in the show was something I did for myself. I don't feel like I "deserve" much after completing a self-serving extra-ciricular.

On Sunday after the matinee, I gave myself one treat--a large mocha with chocolate sprinkles. I am living on a budget as I ramp up for grad school, and I praise every little cup of coffee I buy. But it was not a reward because I had just finished our first weekend. I deserved the mocha because it was raining outside, and I was sitting in a cozy cafe with stacks of reading, writing, grading, and corresponding to do because I had a hectic work week on top of tech week. I deserved a little chocolate and a little warmth.


Pie I ate on Pi Day 2011 with Mia!

On New Year's I performed with my improv group downtown. It was great, and in-between shows, people dashed out to the street fair to grab drinks. It was New Years after all. During one of my breaks, I headed into a little cafe that had pictures and crayons on every table. KWall, my sister, and I got to work chatting and coloring. I heard a little girl behind me saying, "Look, Mom! She was--!" I turned to see the girl pointing at me. They had just come from one of the improv shows. The mom coaxed her, "You can say hello! Now she's here coloring with friends like you!" But the girl just waved shyly to who she thought was a celeb. I waved back with the crayon in my hand--happy it wasn't a beer.

Speak Up

Tonight at rehearsal a castmate I really like made a really ignorant remark. Not just "offensive" by Alice definitions, but legit offensive. He was talking about being approached by an angry black man and literally said, "Judging by the color of his skin, I knew he had a gun or knife."

My jaw dropped. I didn't know intelligent people still actually said that kind of thing. I jiggled between shutting up and speaking up. Of course, my voice won. I said, somewhat passive-aggresively, "Well, you can't assume that--" And I was even more shocked to hear him actively defend what he had just said. I walked outside. I felt some raindrops. I cursed man.

We are taught to speak up. To defend those who are not present. To explore the other and to love him. But sometimes it feels like our noble words get punted so far away. And, really, the metallic junk of stupidity will remain forever.

Break was over. I got into character and focused. How was I going to exchange dialogue--even in a pretend space--with this guy? I sent love vibrations to him. I made no eye contact. And, then, in a down moment an hour later, he came directly to me, apologized, and explained that he was wrong. He knows better, too. He was just mad and scared, and it was out of line. I explained I was just surprised that someone so smart and nice could say something so wrong. He asked, "You think I'm smart?" with a little grin. I nodded and I hugged him. He's no racist.

What if I hadn't spoken up? It's possible he wouldn't have considered his hurtful words, and perhaps he would have said and thought more of those poison thoughts for years. Maybe I made a difference to him and our society, but mainly, speaking up helped ME. I could leave the theatre with warm thoughts towards everyone. I can go to sleep without any nagging grudges. If I hadn't spoken up, I never would have given my castmate the opportunity to show me that I had only seen him at a low-point. I would have just nursed a small hatred until the run ended. This is much better.

Strangers are easy to like.
Thunder and lightening might strike.

Changing My Ways

In high school, this guy gave me this compliment:

"Alice, you are a bag of talent."

One of the best, least-attractive, weird compliments ever, right? And he went on to explain he meant he just didn't get how I could be so diverse in my characters (from crippled sad sack to glamourous movie star--Glass Menagerie to Singin' in the Rain). And I went on to explain to him, "They're all me." There's only been one time where I honestly felt very different from the character I was playing. And that's when I was Mama in Chicago. When I was 15. And had braces.

Other than that one train wreck, I have felt close to the rest of my imagined gang. The fizzle of Lina, the sincerity of Laura, the dependency of Rosemary, the awkwardness of Ruth. But, here's the prob, Bob: I really do become them subconsciously. And, I know this is very bad for a person. Stanislavsky may disagree, but Chekhov would tsk tsk.

Lina made me cliquey.
Laura depressed me.
Rosemary made me hate men.
Ruth made me ugly.

It CAN work to a person's advantage. Being Dorothy in The Wiz filled me with wonder day in and out! But, such an effect is rare.

Marcy is making me incredibly bratty. ESPECIALLY during rehearsals. I have never been so annoyed getting notes as I am mid-Marcy. Dear LORD. I feel my eyes rolling and think, "STOP THAT." But, it's too late. The obnoxious middle-schooler in me is already out.

This is a habit I am trying to change thanks to the Chekhov seminar I am auditing. I will let you know how it goes. Because I am just waiting for the day I get cast as a serial killer, and suddenly, all of my friends with dogs are in for a horrifying surprise.

In Honor of Yatchface

Yatchface trying to stop the fan in our room with her hands. Spring 2010. I can't believe it's been a year.

After a day of walking all over Japan.

YF: UGH. I just wish someone would cut off my feet and replace them with rollerskates!
Me: No you don't.
YF: YEAH!
Me: So if a doctor was just, like, right behind that sign over there and said he would do the surgery for free right now, you would really do that?
YF: No. But, I mean, yeah.

It's an alphabetter way to spell.

Snap Back to Reality

It's hard to believe I earned this medal one week ago when I currently feel like a slug made out of Nutella.


The view from our resort balcony last week!

Yep. Eight straight spoonfuls and three Nutella scones.

Other Weird Dichotomies of the Day:
-Grinning ear to ear teaching my Intro Improv class even when someone referenced Chris Brown and I was mentally fixated on battered women for a few minutes.
-Intensely, diligently practicing harmonies in my car for a musical about spontaneous middle schoolers.
-Making choices about grad school in Arizona when snow is on the ground.
-Praying for Peace in church and watching a video of an Eminem impression several times this morning.

Knees weak, arms are heavy,
vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti,
but on the surface he looks calm and ready.

Mile Wide Smile

Today has been such a good day. You know why? I willed it to be. Yes, it works. I have been smiling, smiling, smiling. My friend Clara smiled so much all the time that she had so see someone and the someone had to jot notes in a pad and say, "Cut out the pearly whites, Missy. Your brain is feeling hoodwinked." But, this smile on my face has not been a smile that ties saddness down with an anchor. This smile has been a smile of sincerity. Alllll the live long day.

Today's game was beating frustration. Seriously! And instead of lying here like a tense block of grey matter, I am light and happy because I beat frustration fair and square.

Today seriously knocked me on my butt with disappointments and mistakes, but I smiled and was grateful. Side cramps on a run? Oh, it's a lovely day. Lost in the city? Enjoy all these people living their lives. Misunderstood a schedule? You know, it probably worked out. In conclusion, I feel wonderful after a day of virtually all things collapsing.

Just Say No to Frustration! I promise you, you'll feel so many goods.


LC & Me, Gradj 2010

We're so happy you're so happy!
Just as long as you stay happy,
we'll stay happy!