If You Close Your Eyes

The windows were open in the cab. We closed our eyes and leaned toward the sun, like we were sunflowers, positioning ourselves to the rays.

"Lookit those palm trees," Bisque pointed from the plane window. Three swayed in the sky.

It was strange to leave Cambridge. Maybe I will never be there again. I was so ready to get back to the hotel and out of my boots I turned around in the T too late to see the snowy El Dorado of college one last time. Only a pile of slushy stairs.

Before 10 PM room checks, Spiff, Bisque, and I cuddled into bed and watched Poltergeist. I hadn't seen it in fifteen years, and it made me feel little. It was nine degrees outside. And then half a day later we're in 80s. Like dogs against car doors.

It is truly hard to be an optimist about this one.

And the walls kept tumbling down
in the city that we love.

Be Real, Banana Peel

Writing this from my lil Marriott couch. As I drift off I've been remembering the last time I was on a hotel pull-out. Also for a speech tournament. But then I was a competitor and now I am a coach.

It was my first Nationals. The city of brotherly love. Only three of us qualified that year. The sophomore Lincoln-Douglas powerhouse. The graduating team captain, oratory queen, worked at Anne Taylor, often seen in business casual around the high school cafeteria.

Our first morning packs of kids in suits fueled diligently at the Embassy Suites breakfast bar. A coach opened a yogurt near Queen and it spit a speck of strawberry onto her lapel. The coach said, "Oh, I am so sorry," and ever-poised Queen smiled and assured it was just just just fine, no no no problems. And then she walked to a table with me and sharked, "Are you kidding me?" re: yogurt speck.

And what is the point of that? That is not graciousness. That is a wolf in graciousness clothing. If you want to portray, why not take it further? Why not be? You can get it if you really want.

Red Envelopes

So many young men have crumpled

backs from the wind,

clomping through Harvard Square holding

paper-wrapped bouquets.

Bisque points to a guy middle-age

outside the taco shop

penning a card.

"Last minute," he says

because his letter to me (the one with the s'more on it--

'I love you s'more every day')

is in his backpack

sealed, ready

for our date.

On Wednesday he left a vase of roses and

Reese's Cups on my kitchen table.

A tiny potted ivy for Ro. A pink flower for Rora.

Over high-end hazelnut cocoa

we hold hands.

We haven't been all day because there are children

to lasso. But they're all off

in the slushy streets. Doing

their own

stuff.

So we hold hands and we exchange red envelopes

(mine for him, two peanuts hugging)

with messages that sound

the same.

Every day is a better day.

The ultimate Valentine.

Remember This Of All

Felt-tipped markers for lists. Lists of prison lit, revisions, screenplays to grade. A freshman with thick brown curls props his skateboard against the door, shares his script about bombs dropping on his Lebanon home. He was 14. 9 AM Playwriting gang.

Spent office hours in the heart of campus. Sunshine. Reading interviews of The Wooster Group. About their 2002 production. I was 14 then? Fast. Don shorts for a night scoot to Flour's cottage in the hip neighborhood. We walk the sidewalks and talk about her break-up. It's raw, it's red. Emotional equivalent of reaching for that last handful of M&Ms and realizing you already ate it. "I remember that," I think, but there's a sheen over those histories. It's good to be here. She squeezes my arm. "That's him." The boy happens to be bicycling by. I hear her heart plop to the road.

I am so happy lately. There are reasons, but there are always reasons. There are also always reasons not to be. I don't know why the scales have tipped one to the other, but they have. And I am grateful. It's not always this way. I thank everything. "Remember this," I tell me, "this."

Why can't you see the sky isn't green anymore?
Why don't you know what I need on these shores?

Real

"I feel

like all my insecurities

and mistakes

have been to make me

the person

you love."

South Carolina 2013.

My Top Ten Fave Movies of 2013

This was my favorite year for movies in a really really long time. I loved, LOVED so many. Any of these films would be my stand out number one favorite if they had been out any other year for the past ten years. 2013, I salute you.

10. Insidious II
9. The Conjuring
8. The Spectacular Now
7. Paranormal Activity 5
6. Before Midnight
5. The Heat
4. Her
3. The Place Beyond the Pines
2. Frances Ha
1. Don John

Judge all you want. These are the films that spoke to me.

Honorable Mention: Frozen
Yet to See: Dallas Buyers, Blue J, Short Term Twelve
Movies I Didn't Like: The Wolf of Wall Street, You're Next, The Purge, Gravity, Inside Llewyn Davis, Mama

1,000

This is my 1,000th post on this blog! Wow.

Chicago Bean. September 2012.

“You are not just here to fill space or be a background character in someone else's movie. Consider this: nothing would be the same if you did not exist. Every place you have ever been and everyone you have ever spoken to would be different without you. We are all connected, and we are all affected by the decisions and even the existence of those around us.” --David Niven