Had a meeting today, trying to get a company interested in my climate change show (yet again). I couldn't even remotely keep their interest. About other things, sure, but not the climate emergency. I simply can't understand how it's not on everyone's mind since it's on mine about 60% of my waking minutes. They liked me and I made a professional connection and blah blah blah but I replayed the entire conversation once I'd left the Zoom. Where could I have cornered them? Maybe I wasn't charming enough in those few moments? Personal enough? Why did I let someone else steer the conversation to squirrels when I desperately needed to talk about oil? Shriek about oil all day and there I was fake laughing at someone's stupid story about a squirrel. I take it so hard when I don't make something happen, even though I know logically I can't make most things happen.
Puhg asks if I'm going to gymnastics tonight, which I'd considered. Except I'm pretty afraid of getting monkeypox. We all cartwheel and hop on one long mat for the whole hour. Sometimes I dive directly into someone else's sweat stain. It makes sense of course even if the odds are relatively low. A friend of mine got it two months ago, and she still has welts on her face. I didn't have anxiety about random diseases for most of my life and now I'm made to feel I've overdone it. "You can't go 99% in on anything," Puhg says. "You're a hundred or bust." I revise, "Oh no, I go 98% on everything. Which is why I get so frustrated with myself. For that 2%."
