Karate Kid

"Comedy is a weapon" a director told our ensemble once. I agreed. But also, sometimes, come on. But lately the world is not as funny. All the time. I mean, every day I laugh, and I try to make people laugh, and it's cheesy but laughing is actually very important. I believe and I know. Sometimes, arbitrary or not, I'm just not laughing. A cameraman and I watch a bunch of my female coworkers file into a room. He jokes, "What? Is R Kelly in there?" And (no chill) I said, "No. That will never be funny." He was like "ehhh, yeah, sorry." He was a very nice dude, but I don't have the energy. Today I walked into my improv class. I was annoyed, as I am every Sunday at 10 AM doing my stupid beginner-level class for $500 that promised to be advanced and isn't but I don't want to quit because I already paid the money and several of my friends swear it will get better in the next level. Anyway, I walked in, and this guy, also probably very nice, who has never really hurt a fly and clearly really looks forward to each of these lessons and generally has a nice attitude was like "Hi!" and I was like "I thought I might be late" and I made a little gesture like a chop. He said, "Whoa that looked like karate." And then, I'm fairly certain without thinking, he said, "In general there should just be more karate in the world. Like I wish way more people knew karate." And it was just a throwaway funny opening like, but I was stone-cold like, "What?" He was like, "You know! How fun! People would get into karate fights on the sidewalk!" And I didn't even give him a dumb smile. I was like, "I'm not even ambivalent to that. I really wouldn't like that. I'm already worried enough about getting attacked when I go somewhere at night. I don't need bonus concerns. It's one of the few reliefs I have to know most attackers are kind of bumbling." And he was like, "Heh, yeah. Yeah, no, you're right." This is how they say in France, Being Extra. But my nose is clogged and I am just not into the garbage banter and the jokes for jokes sake. Comedy is a weapon. I'm sick of everyone carrying guns, firing shots into the air, stray bullets killing birds.

Gobs

For some reason I've always remembered seeing  ___ the first break after we went to college. She lamented she was already done drinking. "Beer is so fattening!" She hadn't known. "I put on, like, gobs of pounds." Why do I love "gobs of pounds" so much? The phrase roams into my consciousness when I least expect it. Memory is incredible. What will I download about this week?

I haven't gotten to write the past three days. I've been doing two jobs at work as I transition into my new title. I stay until 8:45 and then get a cheese plate on a slab that is shaped like California at a networking meet-up. Or I couldn't even muster the mental strength to order good food from Postmates. I made macaroni at Bundo's apartment during the best episode of The Bachelor that has ever been filmed.

Yesterday was kissed with magic. Our super perfect this-is-why-we-do-it field shoot premiered. Armie Hammer's wife made buttermilk pie, and I ate two slices at my desk while punching up an intro for the country's first defensive female college football star. Margaret Cho said her underwear smells like pennies and we erupted in applause. My eyes welled up knowing she can't say that on F_____ or K______ or M_____. Everyone grows bitter, they say. But there are too many things to do for that. There are too many loves for that.