Kavanaugh Hearings

I am so full of emotions I don't even know where to begin. I am grateful I work in a mostly female office and we could watch and yell at the TV. I felt truly scared by Lindsey Graham. This is who we have governing us? This angry, powerful toddler? How dare you ask if the probably assaulter has gone through hell. His life is not ruined. At the end of this he will be in charge of my life or be filthy rich and underemployed. I do not feel sorry for you.

My brain does not compute this level of lying. He must have forgotten? There is an alternate reality? I believe Dr. Ford. Why would she lie? Have I lied before? Have I been confused before? He is so sure. I was raised to think people are good, so when people lie so confidently I start to believe them too. A girl I went to summer camp with was a kleptomaniac. There was proof on proof of everything she stole. Our counselors had us sit in a circle with her. I still don't know why--hoping for confession? Hoping for forgiveness? She lied and lied and cried and lied and I said, "Okay, I believe you. I am sorry. I believe you." There's no way she didn't do it. I just didn't understand how she could be so strongly dishonest. I could never. I don't understand.

I don't care you got into Yale and have good grades. I don't care you have friends who are girls. You'll notice your victim didn't need to spend an hour reading letter from people saying she is honest. Because that's nuts. She is honest because it didn't occur to her she wasn't. I hope your lies eat you from the inside like mold. You couldn't stop yourself from lying even to admit you watched Ford's testimony. It came so easy to you. You want to control my body. You lifted weights and had difficult football camps. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.

I asked my co-worker, "What would you do if you were him and it was true?" She said kill herself. I say I'd step down. If it weren't true, if it might be true, if I don't remember I'd step down. This is bigger than you. The country doesn't revolve around you. You are lucky to have been considered now can we please have someone Good? It's not fair. You would know that if you hadn't been given every privilege in the book. Sometimes you don't get the job for a reason you can't control. Sometimes you don't get the job for the best reason there has ever been.

I try to organize my new bookshelf but I lay down and read all the women coming forward with their stories. It is disgusting we have to band together to share our traumas to make some people believe there was a possibility Ford experienced hers. A writer shares her rape on Instagram in the morning and smiles coming in an hour later. It's our job to make you know we are okay. I don't want to be seen as overdramatic or too gloomy. I cry on the bed and when I finally come up for air I say, "I'd be down for a Purge."

Moved

On moving morning I woke up for reasons unknown when it was still dark. I shuffled on my Birks and went to the rooftop pool. Dawn swimmers with flipping in their caps and I sat with nothing in a slated deck chair watching the sun come up one last time.

It feels both more real and not to be living in a new city because we drove. It took four hours longer to pack the van than anticipated. Pillows and sugar containers being flung into the trash. A homeless man walked by and asked if we needed help. I kept shrugging. We’re almost done. Puhg paid him ten bucks to bring our mattress down. I sat on the curb in my sports bra. Cried during the final walkthrough. “This was perfect for us,” we repeated, and then we just had to get out. Pie in Joliet. It didn’t seem so bad. An envelope labeled “snack emergency.” The drive to St. Louis soundtracked by my high school mix cds. I never thought they’d come back, but here they are in a Hello Kitty case. Mom and I stayed up until 2 talking over fake chicken.

In Oklahoma City we had a cold room and blue lemonade. I ran two fast miles in the gym before a hip biscuit joint. I try to imagine living there, and all the places we pass. It is a coping mechanism to know if one city falls apart there’s a whole country to choose from. But I don’t think I like football enough. Although I bet there are lots of people who don’t like football enough, and they may need more friends who also don’t like football enough. The marsh gives way to dust, and soon it’s Albuquerque. I feel right in the desert. It’s in my bones and always has been. We have sopapillas and a pretty city light view.

The AC busts, and we try frantically to get it fixed in Payson, but everything is shut or full. We stand outside for an hour with a mechanic. I buy a stress cherry donut. The windows are down and the seats are hot. Salad with family merged into pizookie with my girls. We don’t even talk about anything important, but I sneak in the front door flying high from the memories and ice cream. The latter wakes me up at 5:30, and it’s just as well. I give myself a sloppy wet top knot and pack ice cubes. We make a break for it, and although it’s loud on the highway, it’s okay until about three hours from LA. The traffic is stopped and the sun beats in, and I feel insane. I haven’t eaten. There’s nothing to eat. I almost give up two miles from the final destination. Head on the steering wheel. And then do we rest? Oh no. We unpack and unpack, a dozen trips up and down back and forth. And when it’s all scattered everywhere I find a towel and shower and we walk a block and eat overpriced delicious tuna sandwiches. My first dinner in Chicago four years ago was a Butterfinger from Walgreens, so I get one from the Albertson’s and eat it in bed, asleep by 9 PM.

I didn’t know my last full day would be my last full day. Puhg says people are obsessed with cinematic endings, and that’s never how it is. He's probably right. He didn’t care where we had dinner, didn’t know his last time at the gym would be, in fact, his last time at the gym. I shook and hemmed, took in a final walk to my coffee shop, felt blessed by the sparkles on the lake. The sun was setting in the empty living room. We sat on the floor and watch the sky hot pink to grey.