Goodbye, Vegan April

This month was much more of a struggle than my vegan month two years ago. Here's why:

-I was eating in a college cafeteria all of the time then. It was less difficult to be places not eating things.
-Instead of just eating good healthy foods, I tried to skirt around wholesomeness as much as humanly possible while still being vegan. So things like eating thirty Oreos in one sitting or eighty spoonfuls of peanut butter happened a lot. And it took me a couple weeks to realize that's probably why I wasn't feeling super genki like a vegan should.
-I was much more aware that this was a month-long experiment, meaning I wasn't expecting lasting effects, meaning it was just a weird exercise in self-discipline instead of a learning experience. Once I realized how annoyed I was feeling with my self-imposed guilt, I dropped it, and tried to learn as much as I could about myself, my tastes, and my needs. Good stuff happened.
-Usually, I crave ice cream a couple times a month. I got that craving on April 2nd, and it never went away. The ice cream monster in my stomach was so happy today. I wasn't planning on ending this month with an explosion of contra-ban foods--that sort of negates what I was trying to accomplish, but, then, it was time for ice cream with my dad and sister, and, really, who objects to that?


Today, Tone's Cones

I learned:
You have to make every experience a learning experience. Just depriving yourself of something temporarily without learning is the lamest.
Acceptance of self and (through that understanding of self-acceptance) others is key. They key, I say!
You CANNOT be complacent in your actions when you know what you're doing is wrong, but it's healthier to look for progress rather than instant disappointment in yourself. Progress is the key also.

And I said what about Breakfast at Tiffany's?

Missing Michael Scott Already

Today I watched last week's and last night's episodes of The Office, and I cried during both. I love The Office. I have since I saw my first episode--Jim's Party--in George's basement in the fall of 2005. It's one of five shows I have seen from beginning to present (or end), and it is my favorite of them all.

I love Michael Scott.

Can we get a hallelujah for TV really quick? Because, yeah, sometimes it sucks. It's trashy or way focused on consumerism and marketing or, you know, it's just a never-ending train wreck of drama because that's supposedly the point of television? But, WOW, a movie could not ever get me as close to anyone as I am to Michael. I have spent years with Michael Scott. Two hours, no matter how brilliant, could never do the same.

And maybe some would argue that THAT'S why TV is poison--it makes us get close to people who are fictional when real people surround us. I disagree. I think Michael Scott has not disillusioned me with my own social interactions. He has made me be more loving. In real life, I would hate Michael. But, because I didn't ACTUALLY have to interact with him, I laughed at him, and then I grew to care about him, and now I cry to see him leave.

The ship awash our rudder gone.
The rats have fled but I'm hanging on.

Different People

Row boats full of my abroad group in Japan. 2008.

A student whose writing portfolio I graded came up to me in the library today to talk about some of his work in person. Most students don't even see my name on their feedback. It's like they get a form in their e-mail from a divine source.

He thanked me for my criticisms, and we chatted about the pieces a bit. He smiled and went on his way. Then, I had to think for a while. I know it was mostly good feedback...but was I ever harsh? Was I ever vague? I remember filling out this student's paperwork, but I know he was in my final stack, a stack I was slopping through well-past quitting time last night. Did I cut a corner?

I hate that mindset--the mindset that groups of people--students, family, republicans, Indians, trannies, Twilight fans--are just one. It was so lazy to let myself fall into that. One more form to fill out, one more student, same comma errors, one more positive remark after one more constructive.

From now on, when I give student feedback, I will imagine the student stopping me in the middle of the library to talk.
When I perform I will consider every single seat filled with a different butt.
When I drive I will peek at every car and know the person at the wheel has a unique family.
Every Sour Patch Kid I eat has its own soul.

Just kidding about that last one. That's stupid.

Truly Excited!

My beautiful friend Trelly is ENGAGED!
While engagement is horrifying for me personally, I am SO EXCITED for her.
Plus, weddings are built-in reunions with people you love. I kind of wish it weren't over a year away. But, perhaps the wait makes it all the more sweet.



Congrats. Congrats. Congrats on love.

No longer do we wonder
if we're together.
We're way passed that,
and I've already asked her.
So, in January we're gettin' married.

Speak Up

Tonight at rehearsal a castmate I really like made a really ignorant remark. Not just "offensive" by Alice definitions, but legit offensive. He was talking about being approached by an angry black man and literally said, "Judging by the color of his skin, I knew he had a gun or knife."

My jaw dropped. I didn't know intelligent people still actually said that kind of thing. I jiggled between shutting up and speaking up. Of course, my voice won. I said, somewhat passive-aggresively, "Well, you can't assume that--" And I was even more shocked to hear him actively defend what he had just said. I walked outside. I felt some raindrops. I cursed man.

We are taught to speak up. To defend those who are not present. To explore the other and to love him. But sometimes it feels like our noble words get punted so far away. And, really, the metallic junk of stupidity will remain forever.

Break was over. I got into character and focused. How was I going to exchange dialogue--even in a pretend space--with this guy? I sent love vibrations to him. I made no eye contact. And, then, in a down moment an hour later, he came directly to me, apologized, and explained that he was wrong. He knows better, too. He was just mad and scared, and it was out of line. I explained I was just surprised that someone so smart and nice could say something so wrong. He asked, "You think I'm smart?" with a little grin. I nodded and I hugged him. He's no racist.

What if I hadn't spoken up? It's possible he wouldn't have considered his hurtful words, and perhaps he would have said and thought more of those poison thoughts for years. Maybe I made a difference to him and our society, but mainly, speaking up helped ME. I could leave the theatre with warm thoughts towards everyone. I can go to sleep without any nagging grudges. If I hadn't spoken up, I never would have given my castmate the opportunity to show me that I had only seen him at a low-point. I would have just nursed a small hatred until the run ended. This is much better.

Strangers are easy to like.
Thunder and lightening might strike.

An End to End Wishing

I will stop wishing for an end to the vegan month, an end to the running recovery, an end to the paper grading, an end to the wet spring, an end to the stop-n-go rehearsals, an end to commutes. I do hope for an end in all aforementioned points, but the daydreams should be fewer, the moments today grander.


We had an hour to kill. We found this. Japan 2008.

We should try our very best never to put ourselves in situations that leave us longing for time to speed up, because life is quite short, and not being able to revel in every moment of it is quite sad.

Let Us Sing of Easter Gladness

Easter 2009

Eggs.
Pastels.
Rain.
Chocolates.
Hymns.
Chicks.
Peeps.
Bunnies.

Easter, even when I'm not celebrating it on the account of being too old and too vegan this month, fills me with the warmest fuzzies ever.

Holidays in the Order I Love Them:

1. Halloween
2. Cinco de Mayo
3. Easter
4. 4th of July
5. Groundhog Day
6. Valentine's Day
7. Thanksgiving
8. My birthday

All other holidays I actually don't like more than like (with the exception of president's birthdays, which I am indifferent to).

Earth Day should be every day.
Christmas is stressful, cold, and generally depressing.
New Years--see Christmas.
Memorial Day makes it impossible for me to wear white before it.
Labor Day, as far as I can tell, just makes people have barbeques, and we all know what gets cooked on the barbeque, AND WE ALL KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT.

Every day can be an Easter!
Filled with benedictions new!