Happy Day Before Friday

Woke-up earlier than expected, so early the ham hadn't gone to bed yet. Scooped her from her cage for a nuzzle and a cucumber slice. Read an essay from Hola Papi on the balcony. Journaled, diligently, ten things I am grateful for and three compliments. Cardio dance workout in the living room, shower with lavender soap and rose shampoo. My manager emailed to say my 11 AM had to reschedule. Also I'd already turned in my Barbie episode early. So, suddenly I had a morning for my newest side project.

Been avoiding people and places because of BA5. Did an improv show the night before because I decided I could be N95'd save for the 25 minutes of stage time with my two gals. Now on the sidewalk at my favorite bakery got a text from the show's producer. A screenshot of her team/fellow producers: "I am a HUGE Alice fan" "hard agree." I'm on the very edge of the aforementioned sidewalk, at a lone table. The fresh air a friend, morning bun and caramel salt brew too. I turn off my wifi and set my phone's timer for twenty-five minutes before chucking it in my purse. I write my new play. I like my new play. I do this sprint three times. It's 11 AM, and I've written the first fifteen minutes of this little darling.

Eat sprouts and vegan turkey, do my Japanese DuoLingo lessons. Learning how to say things like, "I talked with my friend on Sunday" and "I am busy on Friday." I attend a useful Zoom panel on legal advice for writers. I keep my camera off and paint my nails from light to pop pink.

I lay down to rest at about 5 and end up texting with my friend for an hour. Commiserating, then plotting, then scheming about how to get friends jobs. I really like getting friends jobs. I also like plotting. My producer at Big Corporation emails the entire team she loved my episode. Puhg tells me I am flying too high. I think I probably am I decide to do a night run, right as the sky goes pink in sunset. I get home hot and sweaty and immediately dunk in the pool. I rarely swim at night, so this is a special sparkling indulgence. I sink to the bottom and whale around. Have a nighttime diet ginger ale, listen to a meditation podcast, have a rainbow sprinkle cookie over an episode of Frasier--the one where the dog goes missing--write in my planner my Friday to-dos, let the ham roam around before my bedtime, this time.

People Look to You

People look to you to justify their actions, good or bad. We want to believe we matter when it's convenient and that we don't when it's not. But eyes are always on us just as our eyes are always on what's in front of us too. We all make up the whole. Our actions, reality as we know it.

Yeah, you're working,

building a mystery,

and choosing so carefully.

Taking Care

Officially in the chapter of life where I consider what's best for me. How obnoxious.

Take Friday. I was tired by 10, but couldn't sleep because of night cramps. Tried to gather some enthusiasm about ancient behavior. It was common in Chicago for me to come home long after Puhg went to sleep. I had my little rituals. Stopping by the Philly Cheesesteak storefront for a large order of seasoned fries or maybe Walgreens for Ben & Jerry's. I'd climb the four flights up, change into sweats, and have my little snack at 1 AM while watching Catfish. Sometimes I'd have work at 8 downtown the next day. Sometimes I'd get up at 6 to grade a few papers before running to the train.

So Friday I was already doomed to be awake. Luckily I had a pint of Netflix & Chilled in the freezer for such an emergency. Then I just had to be logical, didn't I? "Eh, that much sugar this late isn't going to feel so good in the morning, best wrap up in this blanket and drink more water." How dare I?

I was still up at 5 AM. Slightly out of my gourd from lack of sleep and dull pain and too many TikToks when I had the deepest truest craving for McDonald's breakfast. I haven't had McDonald's breakfast since 2015. When they introduced all day McMuffins and I got one for lunch after teaching English 101. I was violently ill later. A hashbrown? Maybe ate one in 2005?

But yesterday, dawn about to creep in, memories of childhood flitting around, I wanted nothing more than a pile of McDonalds. I filled my Postmates cart full. A McGriddle, oj, a macchiato, pancakes, McMuffin, biscuits. Did the butter still have a little print of corn on it, I wondered? Like it did when I was in pre-school and I'd rip the sausage out of the sandwich before mixing the pad with jelly. "I'll try to sleep first," I told myself. Next thing I knew it was 10:30 AM. Puhg already up, worked out, showered, coffeed, ready for his day. I urgently remembered the McDonalds. I googled when breakfast ended. I had half an hour to make it to the drive-thru.

Ah, but would that be wise? A greasy little feast while I still had greasy hair, had yet to move my body? No, no. Time to be responsible again. I sighed and put on my light pink exercise shorts. Cardio for half an hour, brushed teeth, shampooed, shaved, soaped, skin regime. I baked a tin of Trader Joe's biscuits, thinly sliced organic cheddar, fried two eggs in oil, added vegan bacon. Ate the next best thing on the patio.

You Have Hurt My Feelings (Never Too Old To Write An Angsty Poem)

You say you do not like work and would never prioritize it over a life, but you coupled yourself with a person obsessed with your work, and I do not believe you anymore. To be fair, you may not realize what has happened, but at this point, I am unwilling to accept that as an excuse because also--

You do not ask me about myself. When I tell, sometimes, you text excitedly. But rarely like my social media posts. And never follow up. I ask you about yourself and feel like I'm in the club, only to worry later, perhaps I'm not.

It is possible I thought we were friends beyond what we are. But what you said and did showed otherwise! There was a pandemic though. That's always to be remembered.

Also that person you're with talks over you all the time! They're very angry, and I see you are also now very angry. But you used to be one of the happiest people I knew. I have so many special memories of you laughing and running. Now you snarl over your riches. I understand you're worth more. We all are. But we live here and now.

By the way! It is convenient to be the arbiter of what political and social actions are "worth it" and which aren't! They all are, actually! Just to different degrees. I well-know some incite only the tiniest speck of progress. But just because you don't want to do any of it--don't act like those of us trying are fools.

It's petty but you told me you'd be there for me, and you weren't. You didn't apologize. And you also changed the subject so quickly, like I wouldn't notice. I noticed.

You have hurt my feelings.

You have hurt my feelings but you have also been there for me before. And what does one do with that? I do not trust you, but I hope you stick around. I wonder if you will. If you would if I didn't still care that--

You have hurt my feelings.

Special June 2022

 Opening this little blog with no plans about what to write. What was special this week? I've been making a list every day in my journal for the past, oh ten years of ten things I'm grateful for. I'm sure the exercise does what it's supposed to, but how many times can one write, "my hamster" before the words lose meaning? Hence this new, "what were special from today?" Like how on our way to Palm Desert on a joykill of a drive Puhg and I saw, just for three seconds, a skinny boy pushing a lawnmower, his dad watching, hands on hips, with a judgmental look. We immediately both burst into laughter. We couldn't even fully explain why.

On Monday I emailed Cowsk to ask if I could bounce some ideas off her. She always gets back to me quickly. No exception, Tuesday we had a morning spitball over mocha & seltzer. It hung over me for days. What's the best way to take this project? It's up to me but also not. Had a completely unsatisfactory dinner with someone and felt angry once I got home. But also free. There's no need to "keep up" all the time. Some folks are fine out there on their own.

Saw such a good play Wednesday with my mysterious friend. Sat right by the fountain outside the theatre chatting before showtime. We were both shocked when the usher announced, "five minutes, five minutes." I've been doing two back-bends and twenty push-ups a day since mid-April. I hate it but gosh if it isn't working. My shoulders are so much stronger and limber. I did a gymnastics move I've never done before. It didn't look as impressive as I know it was. What about recognizing some relationships get worse but can get better?

Last night was walking to the ballot box and sitting on the balcony in the afterglow of sunset and chips for dinner and two episodes of Fraiser and Beach Bunny on the Google home. The blessed ham curled right up onto my chest again, daring me to fall asleep. So smol and secure. Puhg thinks she likes to leech up the warmth. Good deal on my end.

There's a woman hunched across from me on this Starbucks patio with a humungo java chip frap loudly rolling calls. "Let's get that actor from Star Wars, the emperor" she just barked. Some guy joined her moments ago. She gave him a "one sec" finger, then exhaled "work never ends" with faux-exhaustion. There are people in this city who love not having a life. I'm not one of them.

Songs of 33 (Jesus Year)

 Free to Be Me -- Francesca Battistelli

an ironic TikTok song I started to take literally

Vineyard -- Jackopierce

nostalgic walks around the neighborhood

Spirits -- The Strumbellas

oozing into summer like

Freedom Was A Highway -- Jimmie Allen, Brad Paisley

pretending to be normal fall

Peach -- Future Islands

caving to abnormal fall

breadwinner -- Kasey Musgraves

midwestern melodies

See You at the Finish Line -- Barbie

a real cheerful banger from one of my episodes

Most Girls -- Hailee Steinfeld

Saturdays at the community gym trying to land that handspring

High Hopes -- Panic! At The Disco

anthem for learning to believe it could all happen

abcdefu -- GAYLE

screaming in the car, in the shower, in the closet organizing t-shirts

Hooked On A Feeling -- Blue Swede, Bjorn Skifs

lunges and runs, dancing and stretches

All Too Well (10 Minute Version) -- Taylor Swift

THE cultural touchstone of 2021, inescapable

I'll Never Let You Go -- Third Eye Blind

my song with Cap

30/90 -- Tick Tick BOOM

crying in the back row of the movies alone

Help Myself -- Dave Matthews Band

blasted over and over writing my Scream spec

just like magic -- Ariana Grande

bopping on the Starbucks patio with a Venti iced coffee and my goal notebook

Hammer -- Point North

the song that most got me, any day any time

Things Happen -- Dawes

reflective something as I try to get better

Just the Girl -- The Click Five

unearthed for a writing project

American Girl -- Bonnie McKee

what I envision as closing credits on the most outlandish thing I've ever worked on

Come Clean -- Hilary Duff

willing to rewrite history

That's What Girls Do -- No Secrets

fifteen drafts of my feature later

Dollhouse -- Priscilla Renea

sending aforementioned feature out

Man! I Feel Like A Woman! -- Shania Twain

prepping for and soaking in my birthday

it's about time that they go and take me serious

if you're not feelin' this, you're probably delirious

Giddy Giddy Ghosts

 At Disneyland a few weeks ago I saw a display of Mickeys and felt a nostalgic breeze. Something I'd known before I knew most things. Stacked stuffed Mickeys. I've known the stacked stuffed Mickeys three decades, can you/I believe? I had a VHS of a singalong video, Disney songs over short almost music videos of the park. Genius idea. Basically a thirty-minute commercial I rewatched again and again.

Two nights ago I couldn't sleep. I found the "tape" on YouTube. Just as I remembered and yet I didn't remember most. I think I fast forwarded big chunks, in hindsight. Yes, I think I did. I liked the Mainstreet song and Goofy sweeping and then there's a bunch of Adventureland bits that bothered me. "Follow the Leader" and Tom Sawyer's island. I scrubbed through the video just as I did on the brown beanbag in the Midwestern summer and then ah ah yes. Finally, the best part, the "Giddy Giddy Ghosts" segment. Captain Hook and a terrifying fox creeping around the Haunted Mansion. Yes, yes, yes. I felt my pupils dilate all the same. Mm the horror, mm the spooks.

I did something I assuredly never did as a child: watched all the credits. Who made this funny little project? The names came up so 1990 colorful and tilted. I wondered if there had been a discussion about if randomly shoving in a horror piece was really appropriate for the rest of the mood. Or did no one care what was going on in those stupid little side projects when The Lion King was in pre-production? "This will scare kids," I imagine someone saying, having no idea it would be my favorite part for ever and ever.