Negotiating

Ordered cute copper mugs from Bed, Bath, & Beyond. The movie I wrote on was coming out. I said, to heck with it and paid the extra 9.99 for same day delivery. I ordered them at 6 AM with a guaranteed arrival by 9. It's gotta be sooner than though. I listened for hall scuffling all day, checked the mail three times. Finally it was 9:15 and I had to accept, the mugs weren't coming. The customer service line was closed. I made a quick plate of wheat crackers and swiss cheese, pulled my hood up, and watched. In the future, things always promise to be more glamorous than they are.

The next day, bright and early, I cancelled the mug order only to have them arrive in the afternoon. I got back on with customer service, who told me I needed to drive them to a store half an hour away. I said no. They haggled me--did I want the mugs for a ten dollar discount? I agreed, with shipping also knocked off. All in all $7.50 for cute cups. A very good deal. But as soon as I got off the phone I felt bad. Concerned. Should I have paid anything at all? Would they have just cancelled the order and let it be? They're a huge corporation, what's my $7 to them? I'd already spent an hour with customer service, and I still gave them money? How is that fair? My time is too valuable for these thoughts, but they have to pass through.

I've negotiated for pay so rarely. Sometimes it was moot. Teaching and comedy jobs, mostly. Other times I thought it was moot. Like, I don't know, should I have been trying to get a raise at summer camp? When the line producer for my first TV show called me the pay was a little under what I expected it would be, but what was I gonna do, not say yes? A week into work I asked my officemates if they had negotiated. They had, and the shame followed me like a raincloud for months. It turned into a success story when I did eventually fight for a title bump and raise, but I'd already lost out on hundreds of dollars at a time when it would have been very helpful to have hundreds of dollars.

This summer came up with a good number for one day of work, hesitantly I then asked for double, ready to meet in the middle. When the producer quickly accepted the offer, despite getting more than expected, I didn't feel good. I felt like a dolt who can't tell her own worth. I do not want to negotiate please. I would like life to be a menu with reasonable prices.

How Much?

This morning Bisque called out from behind the light of his phone, "Did you see this article about the couple who quit their jobs to travel the world and regret it?" I hadn't. "Yeah, they're janitors now and are totally broke." This is pretty funny because what you always hear is, "You won't regret it" and the term "priceless." But sometimes there is a price.

We watched Another Earth yesterday with my hair wet from the rooftop pool and my hands full of leftover pizza. Very reminiscent of summer days at Peppermint's house growing up. We'd sit dripping on our towels while Spice World played for the billionth time. Without any spoilers, there is a lot of dramatic action surrounding a 3 million dollar travel ticket. The stakes are high, very high. There is deep dark guilt, love lost, love found, repentance. But even so. 3 million dollars. Sheesh. That's a lot to be tossing around.

I wonder about how important it is to visit. Friends. Okay, kinda. My parents. Sure. Sometimes I don't want to. Well, it's rarely that simple. I feel like I'm just not up to it. Planning, traveling, and mainly all those dancing dollar signs. But anyone could die at any moment. And then how would I feel about those dollar signs? Pretty dumb. But, also, sometimes I'm thinking about what it would be like if I actually just did everything I want. Oh whatever, I'll take more cabs so I feel up to a big trip. Let's go out and celebrate more. Who knows when we say goodbye. If we did, would I not empty my bank account to go back in time and have that weekend getaway with you? But what if I emptied it now and credit card debts strangle me and I am nothing, and every time you see me for the next twenty years (because goodbye didn't happen) I am sad and sick and mainly oh so poor. Oh so, oh so poor.