In 2008 I asked my friend why he was voting for John McCain. He said he believed it was important to end wars we start. I was like, "Yeah, what would an end to war in Iraq look like to you?" He said he didn't know. Then he said he didn't want to talk about it anymore. I said, "I'm genuinely trying to understand. You care a lot about this. I don't see how this war will end in a successful way. What do you know that I don't?" He said, "It's my opinion." I said, "But what is your opinion?" He said, "It's just my opinion." We sat next to each other a few tense moments while waiting for a few other friends to meet us in the dining hall. In hindsight, I know he didn't actually know much about that election, but his parents were/are adamant Republicans, so he assumed theirs was the superior worldview. Maybe he would have sounded a little ignorant if he'd said, "Look, I don't know much about John McCain, but my parents love him, so I'm going to assume they're right." But that type of honesty would have been so refreshing. I also think it would have opened both of us up to a frank conversation about what we know or what we don't know. It's not like I was some political genius.
As a vegetarian I don't love when people say, "I know eating meat is wrong, but I can't stop because xyz" but I understand it. Because who doesn't have their faults. However, I DESPISE when people say, "Eating meat isn't actually bad." Even when met with evidence or unable to provide their own. Just admit that you're wrong. Or at least that you don't know. I admit I'm wrong all the dumb time. It can be embarrassing, but it's also consistently not as bad as I think it will be. People aren't usually that mad at you for not knowing something. Often you can even get a pretty reliable pass for being trash. Sometimes I'm really hard on myself about not acting in total alignment with my understanding. And sometimes, through honesty with myself, I find grace. And betterment. Maybe you're not selfish. Maybe you acted selfishly.
This week a friend betrayed me. She wasn't trying to hurt me personally, but she did. I thought we were in this together. We aren't. I was transported to a beach several years ago. A very different situation but one that felt the same. My friend had lied to me and then belligerently insisted she didn't. I shut down. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to say anything. Then, out of what felt like nowhere she started sobbing, telling me she knew she left me alone and she was sorry. It was so strange. To be gaslit and then vindicated in less than 24 hours. The whiplash was an earthquake. Even after the truth had been uncovered the plates had shifted. It would never be the same.
