The "Not Sorry"

I really feel in love with this writer from the last sketch show I was in. She was not a comedy person--doing the writing program at SC to get some creativity pumped into her very serious professional scientist life. She's a spritely single mom from Texas who showed up to every rehearsal smiling, bearing gluten-free snacks, and ready to learn--even well into the rehearsals when truly nothing was funny anymore.

When she found out I teach community college she told me about her stint as an adjunct. One of her rules was that ladies in her class couldn't say "sorry" to preface a question. No apologies for questions! She'd repeat. She eventually made a rule that if you said "sorry" she would just keep teaching and ignore your hand. This is just wonderful. We really do say sorry too much when we mean, I'm not sure, "I come in peace" or "I might be stupid"?

So this ad happened:

I like this ad. This ad resonates with me. I assert myself fairly well for a woman, but some of these scenes really stung.

This week I tried to be conscious of my apologies. Here's what happened:

1. I went to the department meeting at school. I went, despite not being full-time faculty, because I had some questions about a new policy in place. I sat quietly, sometimes getting confused looks and sometimes feeling funny because I was the only adjunct and started questioning if I wasn't actually invited (but I had gotten all the emails about it, so?) After a little discussion about the policy, I decided to ask my questions. I played a few opening lines to launch into the meeting. Many were apologies: ("I am an adjunct, so I'm sorry--" "Maybe I should know this, but") I thought about assertiveness and said strongly, "Could I have a clarification about the new policy? I am an adjunct. The exam is no longer pass/fail?" The chair (another woman) fluttered her eyes and said, "I sent out emails at the beginning of the term to all the adjuncts explaining this." She sighed, "But..." and proceeded to answer my questions. I had read both of her explanation emails. Several times. They were confusing, and this whole place is new to me still. I had sent her my questions in an email she had never responded to. I made the point to make the commute on the coldest day in February to the meeting even though I had no classes to teach that day. I couldn't help but feel pretty lowly. I couldn't help but feel presenting myself as a poor, weakling would have harnessed a better reaction. "I'm sorry. I just can't seem to figure out exactly what's happening with the new policy."

2. In one of my improv classes my teacher mentioned offhand a show we were doing. This was news to me. As he discussed it I interjected, "What show is this?" He paused and explained he mentioned it the first day of class. Again, I missed my "sorry"--although I really shouldn't be? Right? If I am surprised by news, why do I have to be sorry about that?

I appreciate this sentiment about taking control and not being apologetic for living. But I'm not sold yet.

Apology, Apology, Apology

In high school Ty used to come over to my house on Sundays at 7 PM when his parents thought he was attending Catholic night mass. It became our thing. Once we went ice skating, once bowling, sometimes he'd help me with physics homework, and one night we just sat on the floor of my bedroom shedding our biggest fears and explaining why we thought we were the way we were. There was something personal I said, something about how I viewed the world, about what scared me, and he made fun of it. Like, pretty quickly. On one hand it was almost refreshing because my concerns were just a joke to him. On the other hand I felt my safe space had been abruptly broken. I told him so, and he kind of scratched his head and the night wound down, and he went home. He called me there apologizing. "I just realized really how much of a jerk I was. I was asking you all these personal questions and then I made fun of you." Yeah, it was true. I said it was okay.

AZ State Fair, 2011. I miss it.

The next day at school I was attacked. All out mutual friends found me during the day." Ty says sorry," they all explained. Sometimes people were sincere--mostly flippant. He hadn't said why he was apologizing. He just sent everyone he could to say sorry. A girl I didn't know stopped me in the hall and asked if I was Alice. She said sorry on behalf of Ty. I even got a few calls after school. This was before social media, so he must have just announced before his classes, at lunch, etc. "Hey, if you know Alice, tell her I'm sorry." Ty called at night and asked if I had gotten the message. Yeah, I had. I didn't really know how to process the day. I mean, it's not like quantity matters in apologies, but it was such a creative way for him to know he meant it? Maybe? I still don't know for sure I guess. But I held nothing against him. That was that. He went on to ask me to prom, go to college, and we lost track of each other.

Apologies and Comedy Updates

You guys, I am seriously not meeting my goal of updating this dang blog every day. If it's any consolation, it's because this week has been phenomenal. I also have a BEVY of starred e-mails in my inbox, so if one of those stars belongs to you, even MORE apologies. If your name is Lazz, and you sent me the best snail mail letter ever this week, and I haven't even started to write back yet, then, well, look, I'm the worst.

There's a campus improv group as well as a sketch group here. I contacted the director this summer to ask how it works, if they audition, whatevs. I was hesitant about going to the auditions because, well, I'm a grad student, and they were probably bunch of goofy dudes. But, getting to do improv is getting to do improv, so I went.

Analysis was correct: a bunch of goofy and offensive dudes. But, like I said, improv is improv, and I had a blast just getting to jam with new people. Made some connections, laughed a ton, and stayed quiet while a bunch of horrible jokes were made. Abortion! Holocaust! Raunch! But really good people very serious about comedy.

Last night's auditions ended, I made a couple connections, and I headed to Boulder's house for fajitas. Most of the MFA cohort was there enjoying delightful black beans, salsa, and fresh baked lemon squares. I chatted with everyone. Theatre! The Feminine Image of Beauty! Male/Female Characters in Young Adult Literature!

I just found out I am cast on the improv and sketch groups. The director and AD just called me with the good news. They invited me to the casting party "later"--it's almost 10 PM now...apparently, these people don't share my bedtime? But, I'm really excited about inviting the crazy/bonkers/non-PC side of comedy into my life as I continue to forge remarkable connections with people in the MFA about big kid stuff.

I just want everyone to know that I had extremely high hopes for grad school last year when I turned down JET. And they have been a million times over exceeded. Life is good for too many reasons to write right now.