Rollercoaster

It was less a week of high highs low lows and more a week of normalized highs and medium level lows.

In a single day (Tuesday) a handful of unreal things happened that I would not have full stop ever believed could happen two years ago, but instead, there it was. Long hugs with AP and MR, letting my old gig friends into the front door of the studio. The studio I write in. A name drop and a nod of affirmation from my boss and her boss (the bossiest of bosses). Puhg, in the expensive shoes I bought him, stood watching from the far back corner as it all went down. And as it ended a friend from summer camp of all places arrived. I told my lunch break for us to have kale quinoa bowls and guac. And then bad news was delivered that should have made me quake and cry, but it just made me think a birthday cake waffle cone of salted cracked caramel was a good idea. (It was.)

Using the roller coaster emoji because some moments I feel fine, more than fine, there's a sheer optimism shooting from me. And then there's a quick zip of metal when I think about climate change. And then a screeching jerk of the boxcar when the fear steps into that operator's box. I see it in there with it's grey crater face, moving the joystick or pressing the button or whatever those teenagers do to keep everyone on the ride alive.

Got dizzy during my workout and sat on the floor for a few minutes. I know I have to relax more. I cried trying to sort out my Friday night plans specifically designed for unwinding. Saturday was sucked up and away by an exciting work project. I would never not have done it but I lost my moment to be chill, and also my moment to finish those two scenes of the musical. Twenty days left before deadline. I want to go on vacation, but not right now. I can't. But I will. One day. These are good problems to have. I used to be be much more stressed, but it's like my body is reacting worse than ever. Took two days (almost) totally off social media and it made a world of difference. It's uncanny how my happiness is ripped straight from out behind my eyes when I see everyone else.

Tried out Sabrina last night and Pretty Little Liars today. I imagine writing everything. I have so much spaz and sprinkle in me. I feel like I just moved to Chicago again, hungry for improv jams. I know one day I won't be sparkling when I read staffing newsletters, but today I am. I feel open like I did when I was 22 and knew if I needed to I could still work at McDonald's. When I was a full-on college professor I took an application for a Taco Bell. And then there's a point where going backward can kill you. Although I did meet a waiter at H_____ of P___ who said he left his giant firm because his blood pressure was going to literally kill him. I said, "You're killing it" sincerely, but I know it sounded absolutely putrid. I've spent at least a couple hours wondering how to right the situation. But attending any energy to him would make him feel even more self-conscious. I think the only possible resolution is to see him years from now and say his words still ring true.

All In

Go all in or don't go at all.

HOLD UP. I just wrote that, but I don't believe that. I wouldn't do any dang thing if I asked myself "Am I all in right now?" and if the answer was "no" I didn't go. WHAT. Stupid advice, Alice. What about--

"Go all in or keep going until you are"?

Friday I won an award! I submitted to a sketch festival and felt luke warm about what I wrote. I tried a new vibe. (Read: fewer vegetarian rants, more hugs.) Sometimes I was like "Hey, this is pretty good." Other times I was like, "This is schmaltz barf."So during the festival, I didn't go all in. I think I gave a solid B+, but I was so busy questioning the lines, I was never fully invested. Bisque says he didn't notice, but I did. I took away a little piece of something great for myself. And then I won. I mean, huge happy success for sure, but why did I hold an umbrella over it? It was too late to do anything but enjoy the dang show, so why didn't I?

When I worked as a summer camp counselor in Maine before my junior year of college, there was this adorable, spunky, wonderful head counselor named Jooj who loved every minute of her job. She gave this super irresponsible but hugely important advice to me. I give it to the teaching artists I manage now. She said, "Follow the class. If it's hot and no one wants to learn, go have a water ballon fight." I took this to heart, and I really try to remember it in the stressful bursts of life. At a certain point, the bed is made, you know? All in.