Powerless

I was in a six month battle with my insurance company and dentist over who was going to pay my $170 cleaning fee, and the answer is me. It upset me so much, so deeply. I had already worked out, but I went on another run trying desperately to shake the bad feeling. Replaying the condescending receptionist's tone over and over in my head. Toiling over aggressions I could launch at either company. But ultimately the truth is I am Powerless. Left the insurance company, not returning to the dentist. We like to believe we care when a business loses us, but they don't. Corporations want us to feel like they're our family but treat us like strangers. It's 5 PM and I'm still upset. I went to my coffee shop and wrote and had a development meeting and watched the new episodes of Bojack Horseman and texted a couple friends. But this heavy vest of Powerlessness won't leave me be. It also makes me want to cry. It makes me want to yell and cry at once. Perhaps I am mad to be unimportant and sad to be unsafe. Cheated as a rule follower because following rules is supposed to grant us power and it doesn't.

I started an online artists' business class. It is expensive, but the alum list is impressive enough and I was recently rejected enough to try it. Class Two was yesterday. There's a clear split in the class: people who really don't know their focus who will take this year to work hard at Something and people who know their focus and have already been working hard but now have to wait for Something else to happen. I'm always writing, so there's that, but I'm still in Camp Two. I watched an NYC actor practically implode explaining, "How can sit here and make a goal that by this time next year I will have booked two co-star parts when I can't even control when or if I get auditions?" I am in this second camp. The teacher says we only have about 5% control in this industry, which even I think is pessimistic, but, sure kinda. And yes, maybe that actor could write and film a short that gets her more attention. Or maybe she already did and it didn't help. Or maybe she's a bad writer, and it would be so bad her reps would drop her. To her someone saying, "Well you can always do more" is not so empowering. It's depressing. There is freedom to giving into the Powerlessness. It makes the failures or lack of opportunity less personal. You did your best vs. you can always be better.