Or It Didn't Happen

What would you do if there would never be photographic evidence? My whole job exists because my boss has a phone addiction. I'm not knocking it (totally) but I am wondering how much we do for the proof alone we did it. I know this has never not been the case. Band t-shirts and ticket stubs and just the story "I went to Paris" even when you've got nothing to show for it. An 80 year-old man in my summer improv class never let up explaining how proud he was of his family, his former career, all the old person tours to Asia he went on. I feel bad for people who need to stuff as much as they can into the year and also live by solstice days. I guess I think intention is everything. You don't need to do something remarkable. You need to feel remarkable about the things you do.

I remember leaving a high school party, and right as I got to my car another pulled up. It was a pile of decoys from my exit--the couple everyone "will they/won't they"d, a wild boy determined to streak, maybe music? I knew as I pulled away I was missing all the things that the locker hall would buzz about in the morning. I thought about turning around, but the truth is I didn't actually care about the party anymore. I had decided to leave. I just wanted to feel included, or, honestly, more than included. I had the chance to be in the tightest circle of experience. I remember I drove home with the windows down listening to Imogen Heap. I read through my old text messages and went to bed.

It hadn't been twenty minutes since I made plans with Lo for tomorrow, but the plans were nevertheless made. Tira knocked on my window with news. A secret pop-up concert for an indie  queen. The place to BE. I know what's cooler to do on a Wednesday night. I obviously know! And Lo wouldn't mind rescheduling, but if I was being honest, that concert wasn't for me. I know it would look good in a picture, and I would probably bump into someone famous, and my friends who love that singer would be jealous, but something tugged me away.

What is a gut reaction? Sometimes it's that Malcolm Gladwell thing where your fear moves faster than your logic, sure. But sometimes it seems divine. An idea plopped down from above. I went to my jewelry cup yesterday and a strong voice said, "Do not put those rings on." So I didn't. Why would I argue? This happens sometimes. There have been times I have thought the voice led me astray, but when the dust settles, I find it never has.

Cobra at Coffee on Friday

I love this picture of Cobra taken two weeks ago.

An amazing thing about being in one's 20s is making all the friends. You carve out a life but there's always room for one/a small boatload more. You keep thinking you've filled your calendar full and then someone else loaves 'n' fishes themselves in.

It saddens me to think it might not always be this way. But, I suppose, that's why I just have to make it so.

Timeless

Kay explaining the end of Mouse Hunt when the mouse helps the men who own the house decide to make it a cheese factory.

Kay: I like this part.
Me: Yeah, because you want to work in a cheese factory.
Kay: No...because they...they understand each other.


tried to take a nice picture of me and Kay--this is what I got

AND

Diana Ross being sung at the top of high school girls' lungs from the showers twenty feet from my bedside window at camp.

Stop in the name of love before you break my heart.


June 2010

I'm an Alum

Started to get nervous leading up to graduation. I have a job and plan for next year, so not about that. Rather, I was afraid to cry at graduation. It's such a happy day with so many freaking people around and so many cameras...I had this horrid image of me bawling my little eyes out while shuffling across the stage, getting my diploma all wet.

I'm so so dang grateful for my entire four years. The good and the bad, the happiness and the sadness. My college experience has been super dope. I almost considered listing all the things that made it so, but it would be the longest list of all time. So, I'm okay as we line up and start the procession, but as I entered the auditorium with "Pomp and Circumstance" blasting out the organ, and a thousand beaming faces around me, and my family all cheering silently and snapping pictures, and my classmates surrounding me, and then, all my professors on stage looking down at us...I did start to tear up. Then, we sang one of my favorite hymns. NO! I willed the tears to suck back up into my eyes. And! They did! I had this epiphany that I usually apply to theatre. I know if I got all riled about about a final performance I am cheating myself from knowing that my experience is a continual line--not segments of experience. It's all additive. That's the key. Graduation and college--no different. I was all smiles and it was fine. I walked, pointed and bowed to a few notable profs, and shook and took, and was sunny for all pictures.


Capstone Ladies Minus Kiwi

Yesterday Kay and I had lunch at Baker's Square on our way to Chicago. It was delicious. We were happy--sharing gratitude for the whole shindig, and then I said how nice it was to see all the people on stage who helped get us there. And it all came out--right onto my strawberry cream cheese pie. A million tears bottled for about 24 hours. I am so grateful for so much. He came around, we laughed, we enjoyed pie, I checked on Blanche, we drove away.

Here the future is always so clear.

Pictures from 2008 That Make Me Laugh

Feeling overwhelmed with hours in the car today and school starting for the last time in three days. Blah blah blaaaaah! So, to take my mind away...


Puff at camp


Bradley, ACTF 2008


being a complete tourist at the Fukoi Byora Company