Ghoul's Night

(LIGHTS UP on FIVE GIRLS--RO, SHELLS, ALICE, KALE, AND PAKE in a CAR, en route to an abandoned motel in Phoenix.)

RO: You guys, I'm looking up skin walkers right now on Wikipedia.
SHELLS: How is that scary?
ALICE: ...because Wikipedia is hAuNtEd! OoOoO!
PAKE: Wicked-pedia.
       (KALE laughs.)
RO: Well, that wasn't scary. I'm redoing my Google search.
ALICE:...You mean...hAuNtEd Google? (Beat.) Boo-gle!
       (KALE laugh.)
RO: ...Is Ya-ghoul good? I can't tell.
SHELLS: No.
ALICE: Hey, guys, what's a ghost's favorite board game?
        (Beat.)
PAKE: Scattergories?
KALE: Boo-gle? As in Boggle?
ALICE: (Bitter someone got her Boggle joke.) Ouija Board, idiots!
PAKE: I dunno. I thought mine was pretty good.
ALICE: What's haunted about Scattergories?
PAKE: I dunno! It's just a fun-ass game!

(GIRLS drive off into the distance. FADE TO BLACK.)

Calculus

A TI-83 walks into a bar, and sees another beautiful TI-83. He says, "Hey, can I buy you a drink?" She says, "You can count on it."

This joke was an exception, my humor's not usually graph-ic. HAR HAR HAR!

I've got a retainer.
Maybe I'm the physics main event.
Maybe I'm the chem club president.
Maybe even Texas Instruments
thinks that I'm coplanar.

This Has a Good Punchline (So Hang On)

When Pookie and I were in London last spring we decided while tromping around the city we would spontaneously attend the theatre. We checked for cheap tickets in the square and hemmed and hawed before I saw MOUSETRAP gloriously lit on the electronic screen. I squealed! MOUSETRAP! WE HAVE TO GO! She bit her lip and furrowed her brow, "Alice, that's the one show that doesn't get discounted. Full price tickets?" The emotional blow must have registered immediately as she agreed to appease me. When I was in third grade my dad told me about when he saw Mousetrap in his army days and how it was spectacular and how a real mouse ran across the stage and at the end they make the audience promise not to say whodunnit! We hoofed to the box office and purchased two tickets for the evening. I was beside myself with glee. We took a relaxing stroll for sandwiches and window shopping when we ran into a small bakery that looked like a rainbow threw up inside. It was called Candy Cakes, and the window displayed all sorts of ridiculous Dr. Seussical baked-goods. I dragged a drooling Pookie away. There was a long line, and I would scream if we were one minute late to the show. I could see her attempting to calculate how much of the play she would miss in exchange for one electric blue cupcake. She huffed and rushed along with me.

Pookie was late getting to the concert last week. Traffic hit her harder than expected, and she was still on the road during Motion City Soundtrack. I had her ticket, and there was no reentry to the venue. There was no cell reception in the ballroom, so I was in this limbo of just standing right at the entrance waiting for my sister to show up, so I could hand her the ticket. As Motion City played on I got increasingly antsy. What if Andrew came on, and she still wasn't here? Oh God...would I just make her wait outside in the cold until his set was over? It wouldn't be more than forty minutes. But she's my sister. But, it's Andrew. And then I heard her yelling at me with an angry ticket taker waiting. I passed it into her hand and we ran to Mia with only a few minutes to spare. Afterwards I pondered what I would have done if given such an ultimatum.

Pookie: Thinking of you choosing between me and Andrew makes me think of me choosing between Mousetrap and Crazy Cakes.
Alice: Was it called Crazy Cakes?
Pookie: Candy Cakes. I was the crazy cake.

True Phone Conversation

Me: I have a question for you.
Kay: Okay.
Me: How do you wake up Lady GaGa?
Kay: Glitter. I'd--
Me: No.
Kay: I think she'd like that--
Me: No.
Kay: Oh. Oh. Is this a riddle? I thought it was just a cool question. I was into it.
Me: No.
Kay: Okay well usually when you have a riddle, you say it's a riddle. You don't just ask a question--Oh. Poke her face.
Me: Yeah!
Kay: That's a stupid joke, Alice. If you use that joke to audition for Second City, you will not get in.