I'm Grateful for What I Got

This isn't how I would have preferred my life to go I guess. Can't help but thinking of that Lord of the Rings quote where Frodo is like, ah nuts I wish this hadn't happened in my lifetime! And Gandalf is like, my bro same! But that's what everyone always wishes! What else am I to do when faced with the glaring realities of climate collapse?

I still have hope. I believe in solutions I can't fathom dreamed up by brains I haven't heard of created in labs I don't know about. Sounds like a fairytale, doesn't it? Once upon a time, in a far off land, there was a scientist in a tower. She had long blonde hair and needed funding from at least once benevolent billionaire to save the world. One would trot to her window and call up, "Scientist, scientist, let down your hair to me!" She did as asked, letting this lady claw up her scalp every day. But by the end of some time, they'd created something in that bizarre cylinder. Gossip spread to the townsfolk, probably via Gloop, the quirky little guy who brought fresh vegetables to the tower. So the townspeople started coming by too, eventually getting into the habit of making a human pyramid so the scientist could get the bob she always wanted.

I've been talking about silver lining because it's what most unaffected people want to talk to me about. They may think it's making me feel better, but I think it's making them feel better. Though I believe in silver linings. I also believe in the dark gray clouds. One particular cloud has been hovering over me this week, since November really. It's not bad. It's not good either. The cloud calmly reasons, "You've had a really nice life."

The cloud warns that the end could be near. It wouldn't be fair, but maybe I've lived more in these 36 years than others get to in 80. I've squeezed so much into every month and week and day. I've been all the places I wanted to go, experienced all the love I longed for, built a wonderful life of silliness and coziness and adventure with my partner, made art I am incredibly proud of, been blessed with hundreds of beautiful, funny friends and thousands of special acquaintances. I've experienced and explored my special and complicated family. I've put myself in the position to be rejected and ashamed over and over and lived. I've put myself in the position to be seen and beloved and lived. I won a blue bead award at my summer camp when I was 11 and 14. I was a state champion in high school and spoke at all three of my graduations. I wrote my favorite play in 2022. Taylor Swift pointed at me while she sang my favorite song. Last week I gently told a teenage boy he shouldn't joking use the world "cripple" in an elevator at at Embassy Suites. I've taught hundreds of people how to write jokes and five-paragraph essays. I've collaborated with most of my favorite artists, which seems nearly impossible but somehow true. Children have streamed my progressive feminist jokes millions and millions of times. I've watched countless sunsets and many sunrises. I've melted into millions of artistic pieces--the movie Clueless and paintings by Caillebotte and concerts by Something Corporate. I did improv on a cruise ship and under a Taco Bell and wrote theatre in the woods and in airplane lounges. I built fires and made scrapbooks and arranged cheese boards. I've cried until I couldn't breathe and laughed the same. I've told almost everyone how I feel. I gave them the opportunity to tell me. Sometimes they didn't take it. Mostly they did. I'm grateful for what I got.

Cap, just because. 2021.