It's Me Hi

I dreamt I laid on the floor and fell through five stories into a basement's basement, surrounded by ghosts. I woke up with a start right at 2 AM, grappled for my phone and somehow accidentally FaceTimed a guy I saw at a birthday party last night.

I'm running out of steam. I've never been so close with nothing to show for it. It's a long game, they say. A marathon and not a sprint, they say, but I don't know how much time there is left. For all of it. Inside an imploding industry inside a cracking town in a teetering democracy inside a world on fire. The worst kind of Wonderball.

I have no more, "But at least!"s in me. I fend off bitterness with a staff, but the wolves have gotten too close and gnawed both ends. I'm holding a stupid stick. The pink shiny bubbles of potential keep popping. So many so fast they no longer bring me joy as they float my direction. Feeling like a dunce for believing in circles of air. I don't want to work so hard to get by.

It could be worse. What a mean belief we have to cling to. Because it could just be better for everyone down here instead. I hate how many people never worry/haven't had to worry. Maim reminds me on such a gorgeous patio, it's not personal. It's being a millennial. It's the year. Maybe it's the lack of free will. In that moment, her face in the sun, a fresh seltzer with lime in my hand, it was all just a joke.

Egg Honcho Dream October 2022

I was surprised to learn he smoked--this man who set up the event. It was bizarre. An Easter egg hunt for a small plastic doll. I've always been good at egg hunts, so I felt confident. We could work in groups. I aligned myself with two other players. We'd each take a section of the room. There was a fourth person who showed interest in working with us. We said we'd see how round one (of three) went. The game began, and I was surprised by how difficult it was. I couldn't find the little doll anywhere. I asked the ref if it was visible. I assumed it would be. But no, I was informed. The doll might even be inside a sofa cushion. I felt my anxiety intensify. I asked if I was allowed to rip open sofa cushions. The ref shrugged, unsure. How could he be unsure? Where was the real head honcho? What were the boundaries of the "game"? Was this a test? Who will win at what cost? Then I saw him. Honcho. He was off chatting with someone else who signed up to participate, but immediately thew up their hands and quit trying. The two of them were laughing in a cozy living room with hot cocoas. I was jealous. Why hadn't I thought of that?

When I was woke up I thought about the anecdote David Mamet (problematic!) ended his MasterClass with. People traveled from miles around to take a telepath test. Everyone stood in long lines, waiting to sign up for the test, all anxious, wondering if they were special. One person at the end of the line began fretting they wouldn't even make it to the front before the tests were to be administered. But then they heard. A little whisper. It said, "If you can hear this, step out of line and walk to the door at the back of the room."

Proud Reading Reflections

 Thursday night I produced a reading of my beloved screenplay I'm trying to sell. I've been waffling about it since July. July 11 I emailed my first casting choice to ask if she'd do a performance. She wrote back right away yes, and then the ball rolled. I gathered the group, found the space, imagined how I wanted it to go. Came up against a bunch of roadblocks in August. I hate to back out of things, but I doubted I could pull it off. I asked who was around--my mom and Puhg if I was pushing too hard. They both had such similar answers, "It seems fun!" And that was enough for me to power through.

SO many contract emails, rehearsal Venmos, actor shuffles, schedule headaches, poster edits, Insta stories later, the day came. And all day, annoyances cropped up. Late tech director, actors in traffic, comp drops. I got angry, I got sad, I got into my frilly pink dress. I showed up arms full and head buzzing. Rushed through two scenes we NEEDED to slam, frantically got the lights situation set, drafted a curtain speech, greeted folks hoping they wouldn't all hate me soon.

And honestly it went SO GREAT! Not perfect, but great! I juggled cleaning up the green room with greeting friends on the patio, tried to absorb the compliments but also keep my brain from falling out. Made ONE promising connection. And that's really what it's about. Unreal, but true. Finally walked down the street, with stragglers, where we could just laugh and enjoy the autumn night air.

The next day Puhg gave me such a good compliment. Something I didn't know about myself. He said, "You really put yourself in uncomfortable situations." It almost sounds like a diss. But he went on, "You do things you know will be really hard on you because you want whatever is on the other side." And it's true! I've got grit. Professional, personally--I toss myself into so many experiences where I KNOW I am going to cry, rage, and panic. That's the nature of the beast. But I've done it over and over and over and over for, now, literal decades.

Even now, I'm very aware of which people followed up after the show to gush and which have been silent (I think) purposely. But what can I do? It's not for everyone! My work or my ethic! Good luck burning someone who sits in fire.

Matchbox 20 Has Nothing On Me

Someone's only your competition as long as they live in your mind as your competition. If you stop thinking about them, you're no longer competing with them, by definition.

If you stop thinking about everyone, you're no longer competing at all.

Last night I asked Puhg, "Am I special? Am I like a human cotton candy?"

A seasoned dodger of my traps, he responded, "You are if that's what you want to be." Then he added, "You can not care because you're cotton candy, or you can be cotton candy and not care." Seemed very deep in the moment. But what do I know? I'm just a girl with severe insomnia, sitting in her living room at 3 AM, finishing a Barbie script, willing her hamster to come out and join her in this lounge chair.

Milk

Had a meeting today, trying to get a company interested in my climate change show (yet again). I couldn't even remotely keep their interest. About other things, sure, but not the climate emergency. I simply can't understand how it's not on everyone's mind since it's on mine about 60% of my waking minutes. They liked me and I made a professional connection and blah blah blah but I replayed the entire conversation once I'd left the Zoom. Where could I have cornered them? Maybe I wasn't charming enough in those few moments? Personal enough? Why did I let someone else steer the conversation to squirrels when I desperately needed to talk about oil? Shriek about oil all day and there I was fake laughing at someone's stupid story about a squirrel. I take it so hard when I don't make something happen, even though I know logically I can't make most things happen.

Puhg asks if I'm going to gymnastics tonight, which I'd considered. Except I'm pretty afraid of getting monkeypox. We all cartwheel and hop on one long mat for the whole hour. Sometimes I dive directly into someone else's sweat stain. It makes sense of course even if the odds are relatively low. A friend of mine got it two months ago, and she still has welts on her face. I didn't have anxiety about random diseases for most of my life and now I'm made to feel I've overdone it. "You can't go 99% in on anything," Puhg says. "You're a hundred or bust." I revise, "Oh no, I go 98% on everything. Which is why I get so frustrated with myself. For that 2%."

Happy Day Before Friday

Woke-up earlier than expected, so early the ham hadn't gone to bed yet. Scooped her from her cage for a nuzzle and a cucumber slice. Read an essay from Hola Papi on the balcony. Journaled, diligently, ten things I am grateful for and three compliments. Cardio dance workout in the living room, shower with lavender soap and rose shampoo. My manager emailed to say my 11 AM had to reschedule. Also I'd already turned in my Barbie episode early. So, suddenly I had a morning for my newest side project.

Been avoiding people and places because of BA5. Did an improv show the night before because I decided I could be N95'd save for the 25 minutes of stage time with my two gals. Now on the sidewalk at my favorite bakery got a text from the show's producer. A screenshot of her team/fellow producers: "I am a HUGE Alice fan" "hard agree." I'm on the very edge of the aforementioned sidewalk, at a lone table. The fresh air a friend, morning bun and caramel salt brew too. I turn off my wifi and set my phone's timer for twenty-five minutes before chucking it in my purse. I write my new play. I like my new play. I do this sprint three times. It's 11 AM, and I've written the first fifteen minutes of this little darling.

Eat sprouts and vegan turkey, do my Japanese DuoLingo lessons. Learning how to say things like, "I talked with my friend on Sunday" and "I am busy on Friday." I attend a useful Zoom panel on legal advice for writers. I keep my camera off and paint my nails from light to pop pink.

I lay down to rest at about 5 and end up texting with my friend for an hour. Commiserating, then plotting, then scheming about how to get friends jobs. I really like getting friends jobs. I also like plotting. My producer at Big Corporation emails the entire team she loved my episode. Puhg tells me I am flying too high. I think I probably am I decide to do a night run, right as the sky goes pink in sunset. I get home hot and sweaty and immediately dunk in the pool. I rarely swim at night, so this is a special sparkling indulgence. I sink to the bottom and whale around. Have a nighttime diet ginger ale, listen to a meditation podcast, have a rainbow sprinkle cookie over an episode of Frasier--the one where the dog goes missing--write in my planner my Friday to-dos, let the ham roam around before my bedtime, this time.

People Look to You

People look to you to justify their actions, good or bad. We want to believe we matter when it's convenient and that we don't when it's not. But eyes are always on us just as our eyes are always on what's in front of us too. We all make up the whole. Our actions, reality as we know it.

Yeah, you're working,

building a mystery,

and choosing so carefully.