In the morning no one wanted to say it out loud. I was up at 5 AM, seeing what there was to see. Puhg decided not to be on his phone, wiser than me. But I needed to witness it. Present tense also.
I texted the gals I'd started texting at night. When ____ texted me the news, before it was official. It happened in ten minutes, I keep saying. At 9:20 I didn't believe and by 9:30 it was done. So the gals being, Cass and Shell and Nini. My mom called. We'd scheduled to talk a few days ago, because she was going on vacation, not for any other reason. I walked my usual path, the bees, the trees, and the hill that opens up into skyline. I try to express, I just don't understand reality anymore. How long is there until? I can't remember if I took a shower.
Seline texted she was sobbing, walking her husband, a middle school history teacher, to school. I was crossing the boulevard, felt a huge sob in my chest and just started bawling in front a crew of folks headed up the mountain in tall socks. Met Pugh at the cafe. Immediately, the two cutely-dressed 20somethings next to us started chattering about improv classes. I had to get out of there.
I missed the start of my writers' group, but I decided to drive over for the last half hour. Triscuit offered to buy me a coffee, even though is younger and poorer than me. We talked about Parable of the Sower and who feels what level of severity. District said he was horrified, but we just have to make it through. Triscuit and I, less sure. Lan, the wisest, chooses to listen, with his dog on his lap. She has heavy eyes and doesn't know anything. District said he was excited for the Wicked movie, and I said me too. We need to sing karaoke, he said, and I agreed. He said we should sing "Loathing." I said it was too appropriate. What IS this feeling, I asked? He began singing, and I didn't leave him hanging. I drove home listening to "All Too Well (Ten Minute Version)" and hit that little rewind button several times so I could scream FUCK THE PATRIARCHY ten times in a row. Parked, I watched my clip of Taylor Swift singing in live.
I had one work email to answer, which I did. I went on the internet for a while, panicking and hoping. Wrung my hands. Thought a lot. Jack and I had talked so much about revolution in New Orleans. He writes me that in hindsight, that conversation was so important the entire universe brought us together for it. Reminded Diz to eat lunch and vice versa. Crab had asked if we could meet. We hiked up to the Hollywood sign. We started talking about the real things, but soon she started talking about work and projects so I put on a mask and didn't like it. It was 80 degrees in November. I wore shorts and a t-shirt and came down sweating. My sister and I talked on the phone. We talked about trying and creativity. I text AB safe travels because she was starting on a new movie. "What a shit show," she says, followed by gratitude we get to do art and live in LA. Rain and I texted crying emojis, enough said. EDS asked how I was and I said he knew and I asked him and he said same. We went down to the dark place.
I'd sent Lavender a screenshot from Sex and the City Tuesday morning. Lavender asked if it was a real line from the show. "Shall we get more coffee or shall we get guns and kill ourselves?" Neither of us knew. At 5 PM yesterday she texted me, "First of all I love you and am sending you light and love." Then she said she didn't even look it up, she remembered, exactly what episode the line was from. Carrie and Aidan had just broken up. I wrote back, "You starting with obligatory light and love is so dystopian hilarious." She said she knew.
Seline invited me to happy hour with she and Jello. Perfect, I thought. I stopped at the store, where my cashier asked how I was and I said good! you?! because I am so irritatingly trained to perform being good all the time. As the cashier was saying, "I'm good thanks for aski--!" I interrupted. "I'm actually not good. I'm not good at all!" He nodded and stopped talking to me. I walked down the street in my new black jeans listening to the bridge of "But Daddy I Love Him." I ran into Mand and Jia on the block, walking a dog and a baby. Jia's face was tear-destroyed. She said her walls were up. I asked Slou if she knew of any hiding basements in Toronto. I told C I'd work for his rights. Grave put me on a group text with our third friend, asking if we were in the organizing meeting for the climate group. She said she'd fill me in later. I felt guilt then thought louder NO I DON'T.
The gals all independently ordered nachos. As each plate came we all politely said, "Everyone help yourself I'll never finish these!" Then we hunched over the feast and gobbled every shred of cheese, deciding which version of Keanu Reeves is most attractive. I said Nancy Meyers or Bill and Ted. Seline said The Lake House. Jello mentioned Speed. The fourth, a movie I didn't know. Then Seline told us her husband knew it was going to happen. History teacher, I thought again.
I walked to the massage shop. The front desk gal said they were very busy. I had asked for my favorite specialist, but she was in Thailand. I asked when she was coming back. Never, actually. I got an hour massage from someone else and tried to feel all the knots in my back rolling around but still spent half the time in my head, thinking about climate collapse.
I zipped home for Survivor, my escape, but ended up crying because Jeff Probst basically forced a vegan contestant to eat chicken. "I hate him," I said to Puhg. And right then and right now I do. I fell asleep on the couch but woke up to hold Sweet Potato. I fell asleep again.
